Witty Quotes

Will’s 10 Favourite Witty Funny Quotes

1. I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace. – Helen Keller
2. People seldom do what they believe in, they do what is convenient and then repent. – Bob Dylan
3. Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver. – William James
4. The wise man has long ears and a short tongue. – Anonymous.
5. Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens. – Jimi Hendrix
6. Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend. – Unknown, but often attributed to Albert Camus
7. The secret of a good life is to have the right loyalties and hold them in the right scale of values. – Norman Thomas
8. Democracy is the process by which people choose the man who’ll get the blame. – Bertrand Russell
9. Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former. – Albert Einstein
10. I’ve had a wonderful time, but this wasn’t it. – Groucho Marx

Guy’s 10 Favourite Witty and Funny Quotes

1. Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read. – Groucho Marx
2. Coffee isn’t my cup of tea. – Samuel Goldwyn
3. I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
4. I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? – Paul Merton
5. At my age, I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I’m not there I carry on as usual. – Patrick Moore
6. Operator! Give me the number for 911. – Homer Simpson
7. I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you’re twenty minutes. – Oscar Wilde
8. Rarely is the question asked: are our children learning? – George W Bush
9. I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said, ‘No, Six should be enough.’ – Les Dawson
10. My formula for success is to rise early, work late, and strike oil. – Paul Getty

10 More Short Witty Quotes

1. Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies. – Voltaire on his deathbed in response to a priest asking that he renounce Satan.
2. Wagner’s music is better than it sounds. – Mark Twain.
3. I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. – Jerome K. Jerome
4. It takes a long time to grow an old friend. – John Leonard
5. There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money. – Benjamin Franklin
6. I think; therefore I am. – Rene Descartes
7. I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that. – Ellen DeGeneres
8. It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong. – Voltaire
9. A drunk is in front of a judge. The judge says, ‘You’ve been brought here for drinking.’ The drunk says, ‘Okay, let’s get started.’ – Henny Youngman
10. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said “Parking Fine”. – Tommy Cooper.

Famous Sayings – Quotes from Famous Authors

Here is a list of witty and funny quotes.  I truly believe that amongst these famous sayings, there is a maxim or a proverb for any every occasion.

The authors of these quotations are often a surprise, for example:

Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning. Bill Gates

Witticisms

Will and Guy’s favorite Witticisms

The only reason you get wiser as you get older is because you don’t make the same stupid mistake twice. Jonathan Tondee

Two Dozen Pure Witticisms

1. I started out with nothing…I still have most of it.
2. Some days you’re the dog, some days the hydrant.
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, where is it?
6. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
7. If at first, you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
8. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
9. I went to school to become a wit, and only got halfway through.
10. It was all so different before everything changed.
11. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
12. Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
13. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
14. I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
15. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
16. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
17. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
18. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
19. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
20. If you’re living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing your seat belt.
21. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
22. It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.
23. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
24. Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.

Regarding #2.
Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics, is like asking a lamp post how it feels about dogs. Christopher Hampton

Fire Hydrant

Ricky, Tony, and Leroy were out riding their bikes in downtown Chicago when a fire engine zoomed past with blaring sirens.

The three boys spotted an Alsatian dog on the front seat of the fire engine.

Ricky commented, “They use that dog to control sightseers.”

“No,” said Tony, “he’s just for good luck.”

But Leroy knew better, “No, that’s not it,” he said. “The dog is there to point the firemen to the nearest fire hydrant!”

Will and Guy’s Collection of Funny Quips, Bon Mots, and Wit

• Our friend Eddie has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, Eddie takes something for it.
• I stayed up all night playing Texas Hold’em with a deck of tarot cards.  I got a royal flush and five people died.
• His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. Mae West
• I spilled ‘Spot’ remover on my dog.  Now he’s disappeared.
• Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died.
• Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool like Jackson.
• Don’t wish ill for your enemy, plan it. Syrus, Maxims
• Guy just got lost in thought.  He found it unfamiliar territory.

15 Cerebral Witticisms

1. Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
2. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in the Seine.
3. A man’s home is his castle, in a manner of speaking.
4. Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.
5. Shotgun wedding – a case of wife or death.
6. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
7. You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
8. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
9. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
10.  When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
11. What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)
12. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
13. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
14. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
15. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Oscar Wilde Witticisms

Although Oscar Wilde did not invent the word ‘Witticism’, to me he is the master of this branch of humor, for example:

• ‘I have nothing to declare but my genius.’
• ‘A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing.’
• ‘I am not young enough to know everything.’

Witticisms or Wit-less?

Key question is there an opposite of witticism?  We don’t know the answer, but here are a few one-liners that would be contenders for such an anti-witticism category.

1. Wanted: Man to take care of a cow that does not smoke or drink.
2. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
3. Auto repair service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.
4. No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
5. Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months.
6. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken?]
7. Presenter: Who killed C Robin Wit-less Contestant: I did not know that he was dead.
8. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
9. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
10. A fool is the witticism of nature

Jungle Talk

Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best.

The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance.

The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength … None in the forest dared to challenge him.

The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature.

As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all … hawk, lion, and stinker. 

Onomatopoeic Sounds

Onomatopoeia is a figure of speech where the word sounds like the thing that it is describing.  For example, ‘Miaow’ ‘moo’, or ‘slosh’.   Here are examples from advertising.

• ‘Snap crackle pop.’ Kellogg’s cleverly uses this onomatopoeia in their Rice Krispies adverts.
• ‘Plink, plink, fizz, fizz’. Alka Seltzer, UK