Funny wisecracks that can enliven your day. Maybe you can work at least one of these witticisms into a chat with your friends.
Punography
- When chemists die, technicians barium.
- The joke about German sausage is the wurst.
- How does Moses like his tea? Hebrews it.
- I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me …
- I am reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
- Why did Indians get to America first? They had reservations.
- What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
Funny Wisecracks
- Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: ‘Does this taste funny to you?’
- When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
- Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’
- A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: ‘A beer please, and one for the road.’
- A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that: You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
- Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
- Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
- What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
- A jump-start cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.
- ‘Doc, I can’t stop singing’ The Green, Green Grass of Home’. ‘That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.’ Is it common? ‘Well, It’s Not Unusual’.
- The invisible man marries the invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
- I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
- Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Ermentrude, ‘I was artificially inseminated this morning.’ I don’t believe you’, says Ermentrude. ‘It’s true, no bull!’ exclaims Daisy.
- ‘Deja Moo’: The feeling that You’ve heard this bull before.
A Multi-lingual Slant On Silly Puns
These puns are from a New York magazine competition where competitors were asked to change one letter in a familiar non-English phrase and redefine it. These multi-lingual puns were created by Michael A. Alderete:
- Harlez-vous francais? ….. Can you drive a French motorcycle?
- Rigor morris ….. The cat is dead.
- Repondez s’il vous plaid ….. Honk if you’re Scots.
- Que sera serf ….. Life is feudal.
- Monage a trois ….. I am three years old.
- Cogito eggo sum ….. I think; therefore, I am a waffle.
- Haste cuisine ….. Fast French food.
- Idios amigos ….. We’re wild and crazy guys.
- Le roi est mort. Jive le roi ….. The king is dead. No kidding.
- Posh mortem ….. Death styles of the rich and famous.
- Pro bozo publico ….. Support your local clown.
- Visa la France ….. Don’t leave chateau without it.
- Veni, vidi, vice ….. I came, I saw, I partied.
Cannibal Follow-up
Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity.
‘You are all part of our team now’, said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. ‘You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but don’t eat any employees.’ The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later the cannibal chief remarked, ‘You’re all working very hard and I’m satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company’s performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?’ The cannibals all shook their heads. ‘No.’ After the boss had left, the chief of the cannibals said to the others, ‘Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?’
A hand rose hesitantly. ‘You fool!’ the leader raged. ‘For four weeks we’ve been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who does something………….
Will and Guy’s Recommendations on Further Ways to Maintain Your Insanity:
- Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
- Put your garbage can on your desk and label it: ‘Inbox’.
- Put Decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to Espresso.
- Don’t use any punctuation.
- Specify that your Drive-through Order is ‘To Go’.
- Go to a Poetry Recital and then ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
- Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
- When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, ‘Run for your lives! They’re loose!’
A Pastor Will and Guy Know
I can remember the first time I did some missionary work on an Indian Reservation in the southwest of New Mexico. After we had built a couple of homes and we were getting ready to leave I asked the Chief if there was anything else we could do before we left. He asked if we could put in a light along the path to the outhouse. After doing it and leaving for home I realized that was the first time I had wired a head for a reservation.
Will and Guy’s Favourite Top Ten Funny, But Silly Puns
- King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, ‘I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.”But I paid a million dinars for it,’ the King protested. ‘Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!’ Croesus replied, ‘When you wish to
pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.’
- Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, so we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
- A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted, ‘Doctor! I think I’m shrinking.’The doctor calmly responded, ‘Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.’
- A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
- Back in the 1800s, Tate’s Watch Company of Waltham, Massachusetts wanted to produce other products. Since they already made watch cases, they used them to produce compasses, but the new compasses were so erratic that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, ‘He who has a Tate is lost.’
- A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, ‘We have absolutely nothing to go on.’
- An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, ‘The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.’(At first, Guy could not get this, but then I realized ‘thong = song’.)
- A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, ‘I must have taken Leif off my census.’
- There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus’s skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
- A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal *brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, ‘Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?’
* sorcerer or wizard
The foregoing 10 puns were entered in a contest. With 10 entries, you might figure one would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Kindly sent in by David Foley
Ten More Funny Wisecracks Kindly Sent by Shirley Willis
- The midget fortune-teller, who escaped from prison, was a small medium at large.
- The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
- A backward poet writes inverse.
- In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
- If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
- Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’
- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
- Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
- Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
- There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
