Funny Political Jokes
Crime does not pay … as well as politics. Alfred E. Newman.
Incidentally, at first, I thought this picture was of a man holding a ventriloquist’s dummy, not a politician kissing a baby.
Funny Political Jokes and One-Liners
- ‘The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.’Will Rogers
- ‘In archaeology, you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy, you cover the known.’Thomas Pickering
- I believe that people would be alive today if there were a death penalty. Nancy Reagan
- When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‘Present’ or ‘Not guilty.’Theodore Roosevelt (Could have been any number of presidents since)
- Today’s public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can’t read them either. Gore Vidal
- On my arrival in the United States, I was struck by the degree of ability among the governed and the lack of it among the governing.’ Alexis de Toqueville
- ‘Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy’.Ernest Benn
Did They Really Say That?
“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” Al Gore, Vice President
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“Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.” Dan [Potatoe] Quayle
Another Dan Quayle quote: “I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
More Regular Political Jokes
- ‘There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you’. Will Rogers
- ‘Politicians make strange bedfellows, but they all share the same bunk’.Edgar A. Shoaff
- ‘You can fool all of the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.’Joseph Levine
- Will and Guy think that this is the best website for the latest political news.
- ‘Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges, even where there are no rivers. Nikita Khrushchev
- ‘Artificial hearts are nothing new. Politicians have had them for years.’Mack McGinnis
- Don’t vote. You’ll only encourage them. Anon
- ‘Although he is regularly asked to do so, God does not take sides in American politics.’George Mitchell.
- A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes. Mark Twain
- When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. PJ O’Rourke
- Crime does not pay … as well as politics. Alfred E. Newman
Surprising Funny Political Jokes from Famous People – Who Should Have Known Better
‘This telephone is an amazing invention but who would want to use one of them?’ American President, Rutherford Hayes 1876.
‘Edison’s electric light bulb is good enough for our transatlantic friends, but unworthy of practical of scientific or practical men’. British Parliamentary Society was set up to investigate electric lighting in 1878.
‘X-rays are a hoax’. Lord Kelvin, president of the Royal Society in 1900.
Odd, Amusing, and Funny British Political Fact
10 Downing Street* is one of the most heavily protected buildings in Britain.
Apart from the “decorative” policeman, the front door cannot be opened at all from the outside because it has no handle, and no one can enter the building without passing through an airport-style scanner and a set of security gates manned by armed guards.
Despite this, Will and Guy have heard that in the first five years after Tony Blair became Prime Minister [1997 -2002], 37 computers, 4 mobile phones, two cameras, a mini-disc player, a video recorder, four printers, two projectors, and a bicycle were stolen from inside the house.
*Number 10 Downing Street, in London, is the residence and office of the First Lord of the Treasury and Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.
Political Comment – ‘Politician-speak’
In Mexico, an air conditioner is called a politician because it makes a lot of noise but doesn’t work very well. – Len Deighton
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. – Unknown
What Do You Know? How Much Is A Billion?
Will and Guy are fascinated with the easy way in which politicians regularly and often throw out the number: “billion” in interviews and conversations. How much is it? What does it mean to us all?
The next time you hear a politician use the word “billion” casually think about whether you do, or don’t, want that politician spending your tax money.
- A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but an advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure in perspective for us all in one of its releases:
- A billion seconds ago, it was 1959.
- A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive.
- A billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age. And………………..
- A billion dollars ago, was only 8 hours and 20 minutes at the rate Washington spends our money.
More Funny Political Jokes and One-liners
A nationwide poll held in the UK was commissioned by ‘UKTV History’ to mark the publication of the political journalist and commentator Andrew Marr’s History of Modern Britain. Almost 3,000 people were asked for their opinion.
Will and Guy show below the top ten results. We guess that you will find them amusing, funny, in part hilarious, and sometimes quite strange; in fact, exactly like our politicians.
1) Boris Johnson [Elected Mayor of London in 2008]: ‘I have as much chance of becoming Prime Minister as being decapitated by a Frisbee or of finding Elvis.’
2) John Prescott [Former Deputy-Prime Minister]: ‘The Green Belt is a Labour initiative and we intend to build on it.’
3) Harriet Harman [Cabinet Minister]: ‘Tony Banks described the English fans arrested in Marseilles as brain-dead louts – that goes for me as well.’
4) Robin Cook [Former Foreign Secretary]: ‘They found more dangerous chemicals in Coca-Cola’s Dasani mineral water than they did in the whole of Iraq.’
5) Harold Macmillan [Former Prime Minister]: ‘It has been said that there is no fool like an old fool, except a young fool. But the young fool has first to grow up to be an old fool to realize what a damn fool he was when he was a young fool.’
6) Boris Johnson: ‘Yes, cannabis is dangerous, but no more than other perfectly legal drugs. It’s time for a rethink, and the Tory party – the funkiest, most jiving party on Earth – is where it’s happening.’
7) Margaret Thatcher: ‘I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.’
8) Michael Howard [former Cabinet Minister]: ‘You are the deals-on-wheels Prime Minister – no wonder the Chancellor is not a happy eater!’
9) David Blunkett David is supposed to be a sad, lonely, old, blind b*****. David’s not meant to have fun or go to nice restaurants or – heaven forbid – have s**.
10) Edward Heath [1970’s Prime Minister]: ‘Do you know what Margaret Thatcher did in her first Budget? Introduced VAT on yachts! It somewhat ruined my retirement.’
Funny Political Systems
Every country and every party has its funny political systems, here are some of our favorites researched by Alicia Moss.
An American Democrat
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take tax money, buy a cow, and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous and Barbara Streisand sings for you.
Used Cows Used for what?
An American Republican
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
Socialist
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
Communist
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
Capitalism, American style
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
Democracy, American style
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
Bureaucracy, American style
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
Democracy, American style
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating on cow futures. The press dubs the affair “Cowgate”
Feudalism
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Pure socialism
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need
Bureaucratic socialism
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
Fascism
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
Pure communism
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
Russian communism
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
Dictatorship
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Singaporean democracy
You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
Militarianism
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
Pure democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
Representative democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
British democracy
You have two cows. You feed them sheep’s brains and they go mad. The government doesn’t do anything.
Bureaucracy
You have two cows. At first, the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that, it takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows
Anarchy
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows
Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull
Hong Kong capitalism
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows.
The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows’ milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option for one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.
Environmentalism
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
Feminism
You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
Totalitarianism
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
Political Correctness
You are associated with (the concept of “ownership” is a symbol of the phallocentric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
Counter Culture
Wow, dude, there’s like… these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.
Surrealism
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
How the Bush Administration Changed a Light Bulb
How many members of the Bush administration did it take to change a light bulb?
- One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;
- One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;
- One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;
- One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;
- One to give a billion-dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;
- One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb. Change Accomplished;
- One administration insider resigned and wrote a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark;
- One to viciously smear #7;
- One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;
- And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
Funny Politician Jokes. Politician’s one-liners.
I was pleasantly surprised by how funny politician jokes could be. What a contrast between their soporific speeches and these witty one-liners.
Funny Political Jokes from Famous People
‘This telephone is an amazing invention but who would want to use one of them?’ American President, Rutherford Hayes 1876.
‘Edison’s electric light bulb is good enough for our transatlantic friends, but unworthy of practical of scientific or practical men’. British Parliamentary Society was set up to investigate electric lighting in 1878.
‘X-rays are a hoax’. Lord Kelvin, president of the Royal Society in 1900.
Jokes About Other Politicians
It seems that the more successful a politician becomes, the more funny political jokes that they attract. Thus for many up-and-coming stars, being the butt of a political joke is a cross between a badge of honor and a rite of passage.
- ‘The House of Commons is the longest-running farce in the West End.’ Cyril Smith [Former UK Member of Parliament]
- ‘Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country’. Marion Barry [Mayor Washington, DC]
- This joke could be heard back in the 1960s in Moscow, USSR. What is the difference between Capitalism and Socialism? Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man Socialism is the exact opposite.
- ‘I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. Will Rogers [Comedian, social commentator, vaudeville actor]
Five, Favourite Fun Facts and Trivia – US Presidents
- Barack Obama is the USA’s 44th President, but there actually have only been 43 presidents: Cleveland was elected for two non-consecutive terms and is counted twice, as the 22nd and 24th president.
- Gerald R Ford (1913-2006), the 38th President of the USA, is the only US President who was never elected as either President or Vice President.
- Eight Presidents were born British subjects: Washington, J. Adams, Jefferson, Madison, Monroe, J. Q. Adams, Jackson, and W. Harrison.
- The tallest president was Lincoln at 6′ 4″, at 5′ 4″, Madison was the shortest.
- The term “First Lady” was used first in 1849 when President Zachary Taylor called Dolley Madison “First Lady” at her state funeral. It gained popularity in 1877 when used in reference to Lucy Ware Webb Hayes. Most First Ladies, including Jackie Kennedy, are said to have hated the label.
Famous Presidential Quote
Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country.
John F. Kennedy – January 20th 1961. Presidential Inaugural Address.
Funny Political One-Liners
- In democracy it’s your vote that counts; In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
Mogens Jallberg - The word ‘politics’ is derived from the word ‘poly’, meaning ‘many’, and the word ‘ticks’, meaning ‘blood-sucking parasites’.
Larry Hardiman - ‘In archaeology, you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy, you cover the known.’Thomas Pickering
- ‘Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.’Ronald Reagan
- Will and Guy think that this is the best website for the latest political news.
- ‘The government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. Ronald Reagan
- ‘I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I’m in a cabinet meeting’.Ronald Reagan
- ‘In politics, absurdity is not a handicap’.Napoleon Bonaparte.
- On my arrival in the United States, I was struck by the degree of ability among the governed and the lack of it among the governing.’
Alexis de Toqueville - ‘Politics makes strange bedfellows rich’. Wayne Haisley
- ‘You can fool all of the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.’Joseph Levine
- Don’t vote. You’ll only encourage them. Anon
- ‘Although he is regularly asked to do so, God does not take sides in American politics.’George Mitchell.
- A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes. Mark Twain
- Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature. Kin Hubbard
- When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. PJ O’Rourke
- Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie’ until you can find a rock. Will Rogers
Politicians in the Swim
What happens if a politician drowns in a river? That is pollution.
What happens if all of them drown? That is the solution!!!
Another Tranche of Amusing Political Jokes by Politicians
- We hang petty thieves and appoint the great thieves to public office. Aesop, Greek slave & fable author.
- Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher. - When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it. Quoted in ‘Clarence Darrow for the Defense’ by Irving Stone.
- Politicians are people who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnels.
John Quinton, American actor/writer. - Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
Oscar Ameringer, “The Mark Twain of American Socialism.” - I offered my opponents a deal: “If they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them”.
Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952. - A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman.
- I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. – Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician.
- Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris 1902-1981).
Amusing Election Joke
The Vicar spoke to his curate. “I’m going away today, but I’ll be back on Saturday evening in time to conduct matins on Sunday morning. Will you make sure the hymn numbers are put up on Saturday afternoon so that everything is ready when the service begins? They’re all written on this piece of paper apart from the first hymn.”
“Yes, certainly Vicar, but what are you doing about the first hymn?” asked the curate.
“It depends”, said the Vicar. “It’s Polling Day for the General Election on Thursday. The first hymn will depend on the result. If the Conservatives have a sufficient majority to form a government, it’ll be 283, “Now thank we all our God. However, if Labour has the most seats and is going to form the next government, then put up number 578, “Go labor on, spend and be spent.”
“Yes, right”, said the curate. I’ll see you on Sunday morning.
“Oh, there’s just one thing,” said the curate. Suppose the Liberal Democrats have the majority, what number would you want me to put up in that circumstance?”
“Oh, in that circumstance, it’ll be 482, “God moves in a mysterious way His wonders to perform.”
More Funny Politician Jokes
Five of the Best Short Politician Jokes
- Only in Britain……do we use the word “politics” to describe the process so well. “Poli” in Latin means “many” and “tics” means “bloodsucking creatures”.
- Statesmen tell you what is true even though it may be unpopular. Politicians will tell you what is popular, even though it may be untrue.
- Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
- During Britain’s “brain drain,” not a single politician left the country.
- Nobody can fix the economy. Nobody can be trusted with their finger on the button. Nobody’s perfect. Vote for Nobody.
Four Funny Political Shorts
- Four years ago, my brother ran for state senator. What does he do now? Nothing. He got elected.
- Why don’t we ever hear of a thief stealing from a politician’s house? Professional courtesy.
- Mum: What makes you think our son will be a politician?Dad: He says more things that sound good and mean nothing than any other boy on the block.
- A political pollster knocked on the door and a sour-faced lady answered. ‘What party does your husband belong to?’ he asked. The lady responded curtly, ‘I sir, am the party he belongs to.’
Funny Politician Jokes – Outtakes
These jokes are probably past their sell-by date, nevertheless, I expect that some satirist will rehash them for the latest batch of politicians.
George Bush Political Jokes
1) ‘A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls’. George W Bush [President USA]
2) Washington DC Newsflash: A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost.
Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.
3) Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: ‘Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed’. ‘OH NO!’ the President exclaims. ‘That’s terrible!’
His staff are stunned at this display of emotion, they watch nervously as the President sits, head in hand. Finally, the President looks up and asks, ‘How many is a brazillion?’
Lord Mandelson Visits School
Did anyone tell you about the day when Lord Peter Mandelson was visiting a primary school in England, and was taken into the room of a class discussing words and their meanings? The teacher asked Lord Mandelson whether he would care to lead a discussion on the word “Tragedy”, so he asked the class to give him an example.
A little boy stood up, and said, “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, was playing in the field, and a tractor ran over him and killed him, that would be a tragedy”.
“No,” said Lord Mandelson, ‘that wouldn’t be a tragedy: that would be an accident”.
A little girl raised her hand: “If the school bus had fifty boys and girls in it, and it drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy”.
“I’m afraid not,” explained Lord Mandelson; “That is what we would call a great loss.” The room went silent. No child volunteered.
Lord Mandelson’s eyes searched the room. “Can no one here give me an example of a tragedy?”
At the back of the room, a little hand went up, and a quiet voice said, “If a plane carrying you and Mr. Brown was struck by friendly fire and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy”.
“Magnificent!” exclaimed Lord Mandelson, “That’s right! And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” said the quiet voice, “It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss, and it probably wouldn’t be an accident.” Kindly send it in by Les.
Tory or Labour? – Political Cats
Gordon Brown is out jogging one morning and notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious he runs over to the child and says, ‘What’s in the box sonny?’ To which the little boy says, ‘Kittens, They’re brand new kittens.’
Gordon Brown laughs and says, ‘What kind of kittens are they? ‘Socialists’, the child says.
‘Oh that’s lovely, ‘Gordon smiles and he runs off.
A couple of days later Gordon is running with his colleague Tony Blair and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead. Gordon says to Tony, ‘Watch this.’ and they both jog over to the boy with the box.
Gordon says, ‘Look in the box Tony, isn’t that cute? Look at those little kittens. Och aye laddie, tell my friend Tony what kind of kittens they are.’
The boy replies, ‘They’re Tories.’
‘What?’ Gordon says, ‘I jogged by here the other day and you said they were Socialists. What’s changed? ‘Well, ‘the lad says, ‘Their eyes are open now.’
