There are a few dates that Will and Guy would like to clear up concerning Mother’s Day. In the USA, Easter has nothing to do with fixing the date of Mother’s Day, it’s always the second Sunday in May for American mums.
The timing is different in the UK where Mothering Sunday is the third Sunday before Easter.
Funny Jokes for Mother’s Day
After putting her children to bed, Jacqui changes into her old jeans and a worn-out blouse and proceeds to wash her hair. As she hears the children getting more and more noisy in their bedroom, her tolerance grows thin. At last, Jacqui wraps a towel around her wet head and storms into their room, putting them back to bed and giving them severe warnings. While leaving the room, she overhears her three-year-old saying in a shaky voice, ‘Who was “that”?’
The Vocabulary of a Mother
- Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the children would care to order a dessert.
- Feedback: The inevitable result is when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
- Full Name: What you call your child when you’re angry with him.
- Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
- Independent: How we want our children to be for as long as they do everything we say.
- Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
- Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.
- Whodunit: None of the children who live in your house.
- Bottle-feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am.
Witty and Funny Mother’s Day Jokes
Phone Home?
Lionel phones his mother living in Springfield, MA USA.
‘Mum, how are you?’ he asks. ‘Not too good,’ answers Lionel’s mother, ‘I’ve been very weak.’
Lionel, concerned asks, ‘Why are you so weak, mother?’ She says, ‘Because I haven’t eaten in 23 days’
Lionel stammers, ‘That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 23 days?’
His mother replies, ‘Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with
food if you should phone.’
Turning The Knife
While assembling furniture, Liz asked her friend’s six-year-old son, Ricky, to bring her a screwdriver. ‘Do you want a ‘Daddy’ screwdriver or a ‘Mummy’ screwdriver?’ Ricky politely inquired.
Confused by the question, Liz responded with, ‘Bring me a ‘Mummy’ screwdriver.’ Ricky returned and handed her a butter knife.
More Mother’s Day Humour
Over the centuries mothers have given their children plenty of good advice; here are some examples which Will and Guy find quite amusing.
COLUMBUS’S MOTHER: I don’t care what you’ve discovered, Christopher. You could have written.
MICHELANGELO’S MOTHER: Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?
NAPOLEON’S MOTHER: All right, Napoleon. If you aren’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it.
GOLDILOCKS’S MOTHER: I’ve got a bill here for a broken chair from the Bear family. Do you know anything about this Goldie?
ALBERT EINSTEIN’S MOTHER: But, Albert, it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something…?
THOMAS EDISON’S MOTHER: Of course, I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!
HUMPTY DUMPTY’S MOTHER: Humpty, If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? No!
Dermot’s Story
Dermot McCann forgot his lines in a Sunday school play. Luckily his mother was in the front row especially to prompt him.
She gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it did not help. Dermot’s memory was completely blank. Finally, she leaned forward and whispered the cue, ‘I am the light of the world.’
Dermot beamed and with great feeling and a loud clear voice announced, ‘My mother is the light of the world.’
Two Quotations to Ponder
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. – Phyllis Diller
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That’s his. – Oscar Wilde
Ten Amusing One-Liners and Interesting Facts About Mothers
- I’d like to be the ideal mother, but I’m too busy raising my kids.
- 80.5 million are the number of mothers of all ages in the USA.
- 81% of women between 40 and 44 are mothers.
- Women expect to have 2 children in their lifetime.
- Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life.
- Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they didn’t have anything to do with it.
- A mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after. – Peter De Vries
- God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers. – A Jewish Proverb
- There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. – Chinese Proverb
- A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. – Irish Proverb
More Mother’s Day Jokes
Lionhearted
Edward, a big-game hunter, goes on a safari in Kenya with his wife, Frances, and his mother-in-law, Agnes. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, Frances awakes to find her mother, Agnes, has disappeared. Rushing to Edward, she insists on them both trying to find her mother.
Sighing heavily, Edward picks up his rifle and starts to search for Agnes. Soon, in a clearing not far from the camp, they come upon a frightening sight.
Agnes, the mother-in-law is backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion is standing facing her. Frances cries out in panic, Edward, what are we going to do?’
‘Nothing,’ explains Edward calmly. ‘Absolutely nothing, my dearest. The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.’
The Stages Of Motherhood: Author Unknown
[Will and Guy do not agree with all these sentiments]
- 4 Years Of Age – My mummy can do anything.
- 8 Years Of Age – My mum knows a lot.
- 12 Years Of Age – My mother doesn’t really know quite everything.
- 14 Years Of Age – Naturally, a mother doesn’t know that, either.
- 16 Years Of Age – Mother? She’s hopelessly old-fashioned.
- 18 Years Of Age – That old woman? She’s way out of date.
- 25 Years Of Age – Well, she might know a little bit about it.
- 35 Years Of Age – Before we decide, let’s get Mum’s opinion.
- 45 Years Of Age – Wonder what Mum would have thought about it.
- 65 Years Of Age – Wish, I could talk it over with Mum.
A Mother of a Small Boy Says
- A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house, 4 inches deep.
- A 3-year-old boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
- When you hear the toilet flush and the words ‘uh oh’, it’s already too late.
- Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke and lots of it.
- A six-year-old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
- Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old Boy.
- Playdough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
- Super glue is forever.
- No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
- Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
- Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
- You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
- The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5-minute response time.
- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
- It will, however, make cats dizzy.
- Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
- 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
- Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without permission.
Here Are Examples of ‘Mother Knows Best’, Kindly Sent in by Ephraim Kahana
Subject: What My Mother Taught Me
- My mother taught me RELIGION. “You’d better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
- My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
- My mother taught me FORESIGHT. “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
- My mother taught me IRONY. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
- My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
- My mother taught me about WEATHER. “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
- My mother taught me about ENVY. “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
- My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. “Just wait until we get home.”
- My mother taught me about RECEIVING. “You are going to get it when you get home!”
- My mother taught me HUMOUR. “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
- My mother taught me WISDOM. “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
- My mother taught me about JUSTICE. “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you”.
Mothering Sunday Stories
The Mummy Test
Rachel was out walking with Jackie, her 4-year-old daughter. Jackie picked something up off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. Rachel asked her not to do that.
‘Why Mummy?’ came the reply.
‘Because it’s been lying outside and is dirty and probably has germs,’ said Rachel gently. At this point, Jackie looked at her mother in absolute admiration and asked, ‘Wow, Mum, how do you know stuff like that?’
‘Oh, aaah,’ commented Rachel thinking quickly, ‘… everyone knows this stuff. Um, it’s in the Mummy Test. You have to know it, or they won’t let you be a Mummy,’ she finished triumphantly.
‘Oh, really.’ answered Jackie with a slightly confused expression.
Mother and daughter strolled along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, as Jackie pondered over this new information.
‘I get it,’ Jackie’s face beamed with realization. ‘Then if you flunk the test, you have to be the Daddy.’
Possibly true say Will and Guy.
The pilot Drops in to Find a Present for His Mother
A Thai Air Force pilot has been suspended from flying duties after allegedly landing his helicopter in the countryside to collect wild mushrooms as a present for his mother.
The air force ordered the provisional suspension and began investigating after villagers in the western province of Kanchanaburi reported the incident to police, said spokesman Captain Monthon Satchukorn. Monthon said villagers said that a helicopter had circled a jungle clearing Wednesday before landing, and when some of them went to investigate, they found that the pilot had gone.
When the pilot eventually returned, he told them he had been collecting mushrooms for his mother.
Stories for Mothering Sunday
Sara’s Story
Sara, a little girl, is sitting and watching her mother wash the dishes at the kitchen sink. At once she notices that her mother has several wisps of white hair sticking out in contrast to the rest of her brunette hair. Sara looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, ‘Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?’
Her mother answers, ‘Well Sara, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.’
Sara thinks about this revelation for a while and then inquires, Mummy, why is it then that all of grandma’s hairs are white?’
Dermot’s Story
Dermot McCann forgot his lines in a Sunday school play. Luckily his is mother was in the front row especially to prompt him.
She gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it did not help. Dermot’s memory was completely blank. Finally, she leaned forward and whispered the cue, ‘I am the light of the world.’
Dermot beamed and with great feeling and a loud clear voice announced, ‘My mother is the light of the world.’
Short Story Which Explains Why We Love Our Mothers
Mother and Father were watching TV when Mum said, ‘I’m tired, and it’s getting late. I think I’ll go to bed.’
She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day’s lunches. Rinsed out the breakfast bowls, took the meat out of the freezer for dinner the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table, and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.
She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt, and secured a loose button.
She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger, and put the telephone book into the drawer.
She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket, and hung up a towel to dry.
She yawned stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a text book out from hiding under the chair.
She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope, and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her bag.
Mum then washed her face with a cleanser, put on her night cream and age-fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth, and filed her nails.
Dad called out, ‘I thought you were going to bed.’ ‘I’m on my way,’ she said.
She put some water into the dog’s dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked and the patio light was on.
She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and TVs, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the laundry basket, and had a brief conversation with the one child up still doing homework.
In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day, and straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her six most important things to do list. She said her prayers and visualized the accomplishment of
her goals.
About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular, ‘I’m going to bed.’
And he did…without another thought.
To all who read this: Go and Thank Your Mother
Apparently in parts of the old Yugoslavia on the second Sunday before Christmas, children stealthily approach and tie their mother’s feet to a chair, shouting, ‘Mother’s Day, Mother’s Day, what will you pay to get away?’ Amazingly, she then gives them presents.
Children play the same trick on their father the following week and the children get even more presents. Unfortunately, parents don’t get to do the same to their children the week after which is a pity say Will and Guy. Don’t you agree?
Another Poem For Mothering Sunday
Just a Mum Poem
A woman, was renewing her driver’s license at the Motor Registration office, The counter clerk asked her to state her occupation
She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.
“What I mean is,” explained the counter clerk,
“do you have a job or are you just a …?”
“Of course I have a job,” snapped the woman.
“I’m a Mum.”
“We don’t list ‘Mum’ as an occupation, ‘housewife’ covers it,”
Said the clerk emphatically.
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Medicare office.
The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like, “Official Interrogator” or “Town Registrar.” “What is your occupation?” she probed.
What made me say it? I do not know.
The words simply popped out.
“I’m a Research Associate in the field of
Child Development and Human Relations.”
The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and looked up as though she had not heard right.
I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words.
Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written,
In bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.
“Might I ask,” said the clerk with new interest,
“just what you do in your field?”
Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice,
I heard myself reply,
“I have a continuing program of research,
(what mother doesn’t)
In the laboratory and in the field,
(normally I would have said indoors and out).
I’m working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family) and already have four credits (all daughters).
Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities,
(any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it).
But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money.”
There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk’s voice as she Completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.
As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career,
I was greeted by my lab assistants — ages 13, 7, and 3.
Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model,
(a 6 month old baby) in the child development program,
Testing out a new vocal pattern.
I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy!
And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than “just another Mum.” Motherhood!
What a glorious career!
Especially when there’s a title on the door.
Does this make grandmothers
“Senior Research associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations”
And great grandmothers “Executive Senior Research Associates?” I think so!!!
I also think it makes Aunts
“Associate Research Assistants.”
