Gardening Jokes and Funny Stories
If you wish to be happy for a day, get drunk.
If you wish to be happy for a week, kill a pig.
If you wish to be happy for a month, get married.
But if you wish to be happy forever and ever, make a garden.
Children in the Garden
Two-year-old Henry was found chewing a slug. After the initial surge of disgust, his Dad said, “Well . . . What does it taste like?” “Worms,” was Henry’s reply.
Little Joey is helping his grandfather dig up potatoes. ‘What I want to know,’ he says, ‘is why you buried the darn things in the first place.’
The elementary school cook prided herself on the healthy meals she provided with lots of vegetables and fruits. When the power failed one day, the cook couldn’t serve a hot meal in the cafeteria, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. As one little boy filled his plate, he said, “It’s about time. At last, a home-cooked meal!”
Gardening One-liners
Q: What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A: A Snap Dragon.
Q: What do you call a country where the people drive only pink cars?
A: A pink carnation.
Q: What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A: A rash of good luck.
Q: Why don’t you ever iron a four-leaf clover?
A: You might press your luck.
Q: What do you call a mushroom who buys everyone drinks and is the life of the party?
A: A fun-gi.
Q: What insect is musical?
A: A humbug.
Q: What do you call it when worms take over the world?
A: Global Worming.
Q: Everyone knows how the Green Giant dresses when he works in the field. But when he goes to a corporate board meeting, what does he usually wear?
A: A three peas suit.
Short Gardening Jokes
- A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad
- A man walks into the doctor with a parsnip in one ear, a carrot in the other, and his nostrils blocked with broad beans.”What’s wrong with me, Doctor?” “You need to eat more sensibly!”
Organic, or Inorganic?
Pete and Harry were talking one day. “My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market garden,” said Pete.
“So were you able to find some?” Harry asked. “Well when I got to the market, I asked the gardener, ‘These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?'”
“The gardener answered: ‘No, you’ll have to do that yourself.'”
Experienced Gardener Wanted
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. “Look Miss,” said the foreman, “have you any actual experience in picking lemons?”
“Well, as a matter of fact, yes!” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times.”
Bird Song?
One spring morning, Will and I were in the garden looking at the flowers we had just planted. As luck would have it, a bird flew over us leaving his calling card on my clean white shirt.
When I showed Will, he replied without missing a beat, “You know, Sweetheart, they sing for most folks.”
Floral Tribute
Man to florist: ‘I’d like a bunch of flowers, please.’ Florist: ‘Certainly, sir. What flowers would you like?’ Man: ‘Er.. I’m not sure…Ummm..’ Florist: ‘Let me help you, sir – what exactly have you done?’
It Never Rains…
The manager of the garden center overhears one of his nurserymen talking to a customer.
‘No, we haven’t had any of that in ages,’ says the nurseryman. ‘And I don’t know when we’ll be getting any more.’
The customer leaves and the manager walks over to give him a telling off. ‘Never tell a customer we can’t get them something,’ he says. ‘Whatever they want we can always get it on order and deliver it. D’you understand?’
The nurseryman nods. ‘So what did he want?’ asks the manager. ‘Rain,’ replies the nurseryman.
Thank God
Albert took over an old, run-down, abandoned allotment. The beds were overgrown with weeds, the shed was falling down, and the greenhouse was just a frame with broken glass.
During his first day of work, the vicar stopped by to bless Albert’s work, saying, “May you and God work together to make this the allotment of your dreams!”
A few months later, the vicar stopped by again. Lo and behold, it was completely transformed. The shed had been expertly rebuilt, vegetables were growing in neat rows and the greenhouse had been re-glazed and was full of
plump, ripe tomatoes.
“Amazing!” exclaimed the vicar. “Look what God and you have accomplished together!” “Yes, reverend,” said Albert, “but remember what the place was like when God was working it alone!”
Chicken Feed?
Jake decides that he wants to start farming chickens so he goes to the chicken farmer and buys 1000 chicks.
The next month Jake goes back and buys 500 more. The following month he goes to the chicken farmer again and buys another 500 chicks, at which point the chicken farmer comments; “Your chicken farm must be coming along
well now.”
Jake looks glum and replies, “Sadly no. I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong. Either I’m planting them too deep, or upside down, or too close together…”
‘Send me lawn away to be cut,’ concludes O’Leary.
Funny Lawn Mower Jokes
I fought the lawn, and the lawn won!
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
6 Funny Lawn Mower Jokes
- A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.
- Why are husbands like lawnmowers? They are difficult to get started, and then they don’t work half the time.
- There’s one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor’s. Clyde Moore
- Will – Why do you water your lawn with whisky? Guy – So that it comes up half-cut.
- My neighbor Bill asked if he could use my lawnmower. I told him of course he could, so long as he didn’t take it out of my garden.
- What do you call someone who used to like tractors? An extractor fan.
- What do you call a cow who works for a gardener? A lawn moo-er.
Cutting It Fine
Simon’s motor mower had broken down. His wife, Maria, kept dropping hints about getting it fixed before the grass grew too tall, but the message wasn’t getting through, and Simon kept procrastinating and putting off doing the repairs.
Frustrated, Maria decided on what she thought was a clever way to make her point. When Simon arrived home from work, he found Maria sitting in the grass, clipping it by hand with a tiny pair of scissors.
Simon, totally amazed, watched silently for a few minutes, then went into the house only to appear again a few minutes later where he handed her a toothbrush.
‘When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the sidewalks,’ said Simon ungraciously.
Cutting the Grass
Michael O’Leary was waiting at the bus stop with his friend, Paddy Maguire when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.
O’Leary opined, ‘I’m gonna do that when I win de lottery, Maguire.’
‘What’s that, Michael?’ responds his mate.
‘Send me lawn away to be cut,’ concludes O’Leary.
Blodwen’s Lawn Mower
Mrs. Blodwen Roberts was looking out of her front window one Sunday when she saw her neighbor coming up the drive dressed in his gardening clothes.
‘He must be coming to borrow our lawnmower,’ Blodwen remarked to Mr Roberts indignantly, ‘And on Sunday too. The very idea. Shameful. I won’t let him have it. I’ll tell him we haven’t got one.’
Man, Get an Electric Mower
Why do men buy electric lawnmowers?
So that they can navigate back to their house!
Come Hell or High Water
Overnight, a torrential rainstorm soaked Southern England.
When morning dawned the resulting floodwaters came up about 5 feet into most of the homes in the south Portsmouth area, an area below sea level.
Doreen Bryant was sitting on her roof with her next-door neighbor, Molly Borden waiting for the emergency services to rescue them.
Doreen noticed a lone straw hat floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front garden, then float back to the house, it kept floating away from the house, then back in. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Molly, ‘Do you see that straw hat floating away from the house, then back again?’
‘Oh yes, Doreen,’ grinned Molly, ‘that’s Bert, my husband, wearing his gardening hat; he told me yesterday that he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water.’
Rich Diet?
One afternoon a rich man was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, ‘Why are you eating grass?’ ‘We don’t have any money for food,’ the poor man replied. ‘We have to eat grass.’
‘Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,’ the rich man said. ‘But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.’
‘Bring them along,’ the rich man replied. Turning to the other poor man he announced, ‘You come with us, also.’ The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, ‘But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me.’
‘Bring them all, as well,’ the rich fellow answered. They all climb in the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the rich gent and said, ‘Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.’
The rich man replied, ‘Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.’
Hilarious Irish Joke
At the Cheltenham jumps racing festival last March, Murphy leaned over and whispered to his friend Seamus, ‘Now would you be wanting the winner of the next race?’
‘Oh, no thanks, Murphy,’ said Seamus, ‘I’ve only got a small garden.’
God and St. Francis Discussing Lawns
GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the USA? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle, and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought, and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees, and flocks of songbirds.
I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.
ST. FRANCIS: It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers weeds and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds, and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It’s temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No, sir — just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren’t going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It’s a natural circle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You’d better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrubs and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD: Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It’s a really stupid movie about …
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis
Sign of the Times?
A lawn mower race had to be cut back because the recession hit owners couldn’t afford the petrol. Fewer than half of the teams who normally sign up for the 12-hour race at Brinsbury College, Pulborough, last weekend, were able to take part. Organizers have blamed the international financial crisis had meant competitors didn’t have the cash to maintain or fuel their grass-cutting racers.
