Funny International Jokes
Every nation ridicules other nations, and all are right. Arthur Schopenhauer
Joke About An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman were confessing their secret vices to each other.
‘I’m a terrible gambler,’ said The Englishman.
‘I’m a terrible drinker,’ said The Scotsman.
‘My vice is much less serious,’ said The Irishman, ‘I just like to tell tales about my friends.’
Mirthful Joke
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman were out fishing in a boat on a lake together and doing very well.
‘This is a terrific spot for fishing,’ said the Englishman. ‘How will we know where this spot is next time?’
‘I’ve thought of that,’ said The Scotsman, ‘I’ve just put a mark on the side of the boat.’
‘You idiot,’ said the Irishman, ‘how do you know we will get this boat the next time?’
Truly International Jokes
You can take a New Yorker out of the Bronx, but you cannot take the Bronx….
Four men were walking down the street in London, England: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. Then suddenly, a reporter comes running up and says, ‘Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?’
The Saudi says, ‘Excuse me, what’s a shortage?’
The Russian says, ‘Excuse me, what’s meat?’
The North Korean says, ‘Excuse me, what’s an opinion?’
The New Yorker, says, ‘Excuse me?? What’s excuse me?’
Swedish Humour
‘A guy phones the local hospital and yells, ‘You’ve gotta send help! My wife’s in labor!’
The nurse says, ‘Calm down. Is this her first child?’
He replies, ‘No! This is her husband!’
More Funny International Jokes
How to Speak Chinese
- It’s very dark in here……………………… Wai So Dim?
- I bumped into a coffee table……………..Ai Bang Mai Ni
- I think you need a facelift………………. Chin Tu Fat
Learn to Speak New Zealand
- This is Duffy cult – not easy
- Bun button – been bitten by an insect
- Beard – a place to sleep
- Sucks Peck – Half a dozen beers
- Ear New Zulland – an extinct airline
- Beers – large savage animals found in U.S. forests
Five Funny Jokes From Other Lands
- The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.
- ‘In California, a speech teacher is in a lot of trouble for encouraging her students to oppose the war with Iraq. The
principal was furious and said telling kids to oppose the war is the French teacher’s job.’ – Conan O’Brien - A sign is seen in the window of a shop in Enniskillen, County Fermanagh, Northern Ireland. It reads: ‘The bargain basement…is on the first floor.’
- Andrew called in to see his Scottish friend Angus to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked ‘You’re decorating, I see.’
- To which Angus replied, ‘No. I’m moving house.’
Pulling Rank?
One foggy night, a United States Aircraft Carrier was cruising off the coast of Newfoundland and the junior radar operator spotted a light in the gloom. Here is a transcript of what happened next.
The radar operator worked out that a collision was likely unless the other vessel changed its course. So he sent a radio message.
U.S. Aircraft Carrier Radar Officer:
‘Please divert your course at least 7 degrees to the south to avoid a collision’.
Back came the reply: ‘You must be joking, I recommend you divert your course instead’.
The U.S. Radar Officer referred the matter to his superior officer. And reported the incident as insubordination.
As a result, the Captain of the Air Craft Carrier sent a second message. ‘I believe that I outrank you, and am giving you a direct order to divert your course now!!!’
Canadian Radio Operator: ‘This is a lighthouse. I suggest you take evasive action.’
Footnote to the lighthouse urban myth
The lighthouse story is an urban myth. Our friend Jackson heard a rumor that the story is discussed at the annual Coast Guard convention, where the different versions are compared and scored. Most versions are preposterous because the ship would have visual contact with the lighthouse. However, if you add a fog to your version you gain credibility – at least in the eyes of the lighthouse keepers.
Funny Jokes all over the world
This page featuring humour from all over the world, fits in with our idea of something for everyone. In this age of ‘Political correctness,’ at least one person a week writes in with a cheap shot criticizing Irish, Women, Polish, or Welsh jokes. Our reply is to include tasteful jokes about each and every group without bias. Incidentally, the only complaint that we have had from Australians is – ‘We want more jokes about Aussies’.
International Humour
This humor comes from a research project on ‘funny jokes‘ conducted by the British Association for the Advancement of Science.
USA:
Texan: ‘Where are you from?’
Harvard graduate: ‘I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.’
Texan: ‘OK, where in California do you come from, Jackass?’
Canada:
You know you’re from Canada when ……..
- You only know three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
- You find -40C a little chilly.
- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
- Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
- You choose a Halloween costume that fits over a snowsuit.
- You’ve taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
- The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages but requires 3 pages for hockey.
- You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry, and your Sorels.
- You perk up when you hear the theme from ‘Hockey Night in Canada’.
Jokes From All Over The World
Australia:
What do you call a woman who can balance 8 beers on her head?
Beatrix.
Europe:
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form, and wrote: ‘Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.’
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, ‘There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price.’
‘But,’ the dog replied, ‘that would make no sense at all.’
Belgium:
‘Well, you see, there are basically three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those that can’t.’
France:
‘You’re a high-priced lawyer! If I give you 500 dollars, will you answer two questions?’
‘Absolutely! What’s the second question?’
South Africa
Another Collection of Jokes from Around the World
- The French Government announced yesterday that it is imposing a ban on fireworks at Disneyland. The decision comes after the nightly firework display at the park, located just 50 Km outside of Paris, France caused soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Russian tourists.
- In Los Angeles, a history teacher is in a lot of trouble for encouraging her students to oppose the war with Afghanistan. The principal was furious and said, ‘Telling kids to oppose the war is the French teacher’s job.’
- A sign is seen in the window of a shop in Enniskillen, County Fermanagh, Northern Ireland. It reads: ‘The bargain basement…is on the first floor.’
England:
Stanley decided to look at his friend Alf, who was a tight-fisted Yorkshireman. He found Alf at his bungalow in Huddersfield stripping the wallpaper from the dining room. Rather obviously, he remarked, “You’re decorating, I see.” To which Alf replied, “Nay Stanley lad, I’m moving ‘ouse to Bradford.”
