Women Jokes - Funny Jokes

Funny Differences Between Male and Female Brains

Gender differences have always interested me. While the physical differences between men and women are usually obvious; what fascinates more is the differences to be found ‘under the bonnet’ – as it were. It is those hidden differences that the pictures below seek to explain.

Female Brain

First, a picture of the Female brain with its mysterious characteristics.

Male Brain

Below we have a picture of the male brain, observing that we now see how new areas have developed, while some parts have atrophied. As ever a picture is worth a thousand words.

Further research on the differences between male and female brains still has a long way to go. Wrestling meaning from the similarities and differences between male and female brains is a challenge in the decades ahead, but a challenge that those of us who dedicate our lives to the research of the hypothalamus anticipate with relish. Professor David J. Etherington.

More Funny Differences Between Male and Female Brains

Male and Female Ranking for the 7 Deadly Sins

Punishments for Committing a Deadly Sin:

Pride: Broken on the wheel
Envy: Put in freezing water
Anger: Torn Limb from Limb
Lust: Roasted in fire and brimstone
Gluttony: Force-fed rats and toads
Avarice: Boiled in oil
Sloth: Thrown into a snake pit

Men	Women
Lust	Pride
Gluttony	Envy
Sloth	Anger
Anger	Lust
Pride	Gluttony
Envy	Avarice
Avarice	Sloth

More Funny Differences Between Male and Female Brains

A simple enough question: ‘Let’s have a drink’. However, we see a huge difference in response from men and women. Firstly, note the much greater brain activity in the female, secondly note how focused the male is.

Let’s have a drink

Let’s have a drink – then go to bed

Beer Test

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn’t drive. — No further testing is planned.

Political correctness had developed a momentum all its own. My greater concern is bullying, I am against all forms of bullying both at work and in school. However, I do believe that areas, that are considered politically incorrect, can still be used for a joke – and this page is one of them!

Topless Car Wash

Summer Classes for Women at Your Local Adult Learning Centre

Hilarious, Funny, Insulting and Male-Organised Courses for Women

Note that due to the complexity and difficulty level of the subject area, class sizes will be limited to 5 women.

Class 1: Up in Winter, Down in Summer – How to Adjust a Thermostat

Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 pm

Class 2: Which Takes More Energy – Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Moaning About It for 3 Hours?

Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3: Is It Possible To Drive Past a Waitrose Without Stopping? – Group Debate.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 pm for 2 hours.

Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between a Handbag and a Suitcase – Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 pm for 3 weeks.

Class 5: Curling Irons – Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?

Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 pm

Class 6: How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Programme

Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 pm

Class 7: Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?

Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 pm, 2 hours.

Class 8: I Was Wrong and He Was Right! Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 pm. Location to be determined.

Class 9: How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.

Driving Simulations. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.

Class 10: Learning to Live: How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.

Tuesdays at 7:00 pm. Location to be determined

Class 11: How to Shop by Yourself.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 pm. Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Funny Golf Jokes for Women

Long ago when women cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, they call it golf.

Amusing Things You Will Never Hear a Woman Say About Golf

I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
Listen, I make enough money for both of us.
Why don’t you retire and get that nagging handicap down to a 5 or 6?
I’d rather watch golf and drink beer with you than go shopping.
Forget the stupid Valentine’s Day thing and buy yourself new clubs.

Ladies Foursome

A foursome of ladies came back after a round of golf. At the 19th hole in the Clubhouse, the Pro, Ross, politely asked them, ‘How did your game go?’

The first said she had a good round with 25 riders. The second said she did OK with 16 riders. The third said it’s not too bad since I had 10 riders. The fourth was disappointed and said that she played badly with only two riders.

Ross was confounded by the term “rider” but not wanting to show his ignorance just smiled and wished them better golf the next time.

He then approached Jimmy, the bartender, and asked, ‘Hey, Jimmy, can you tell me what this term “riders” means?’

Jimmy smiled as he explained to Ross that a “rider” is when you have hit a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart.

Scratch Golfer

Maria and Stephanie were selected to play together as partners in the Cams Hall Club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time. After introductions, Maria asked, ‘What’s your handicap?’

‘Oh, I’m a scratch golfer,’ Stephanie replied.

‘Really!’ exclaimed Maria, suitably impressed that she had been paired
with Stephanie.

‘Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones,’ responded Stephanie with a smile.

I play in the low 80s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play.

Will and Guy’s Helpful Guide to Female Golfing Terms

Caddy: 2 women talking about a 3rd, who isn’t there to defend herself.
Chip: Time to get our nails done again.
Double Bogie: ‘Casablanca’ followed by ‘African Queen’.
Fairway: Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.
Good lie: Weight on our driver’s license.
Greens: Lunch we eat when you’d prefer a cheeseburger.
Iron: What guys need to learn to do their own shirts.
Rough: Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything.
Slice: No thanks … just a small portion.
Par: The children’s grandfather.
Birdie: Another attractive female golfer.
Wood: Where you can find a ball.

The Lady’s Tee

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the Crookhorn municipal golf course, in England, and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse tannoy: ‘WOULD THE GENTLEMAN ON THE WOMAN’S TEE BACK UP TO THE MEN’S TEE PLEASE.’

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement rang out louder, Would the MAN on the WOMEN’S tee kindly back up to the men’s tee.’

I simply ignored the request and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled’, Would the man on the woman’s tee back up to the men’s tee, PLEASE.’

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the microphone, and shouted back, Would the person in the clubhouse kindly stop shouting and let me play my second shot

Ladies Tea?

Ladies’ golf course conditions:

Have done the dishes
Have you done the washing?
Have you cooked your husband’s tea?

If you have done these simple tasks, you may proceed.

Marrying a Golfer – Nearly?

On a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon, Rory stood on the first tee at Elmbridge Golf Club. He had just pulled out his driver when a young woman in a wedding dress came running up to him, crying.

She slaps him in the face, turns, and runs away.

Rory turns to his golfing friend and says calmly, ‘I don’t know what her problem is. I distinctly told her only if it rained.’

Art for Golfers

More Women Golf Jokes

Golf and Relationships

Women are clever golfers, they shout fore, shoot seven, and score three.

Problem Men and Men Problems

Golf Handicap

Ralph was a smooth operator, and at Southwick Golf Club’s annual dance, he attached himself to the prettiest lady golfer in the room and began boasting to her.

‘You know,’ smarmed Ralph, ‘they’re all afraid to play me. What do you think my handicap is?’

‘Well, where do you want me to start, Ralph ?’ Came her quick response.

Wedding Anniversary and Golf

Nick was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. Molly, his wife told him, ‘Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat.’

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for Nick have been set for Saturday at his favorite golf course.

Small World

Alex and Jim are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it’s supposed to go.

Alex comments to Jim, ‘Why don’t you go over and ask if we can play through?’ Jim gets about halfway there, turns, and comes back so Alex asks, ‘What’s wrong?’

Jim replies, ‘One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress.’ Alex responds, ‘That could be a problem. I’ll go over and have a word.’

He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too. So Jim says, ‘What’s wrong?’

Alex murmurs, ‘Small world.’

The Golfer and the Pretty Woman

A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.

Kerry, a ‘beautiful’ golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him. ‘Hey, are you okay, what’s your name?’

Wayne, I’m OK,’ he replied.

Wayne, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest up and I’ll help you get the cart up later.’

‘That’s mmmmighty nice of you,’ Wayne stammered, but I don’t think my wife would like it.’

Aw come on,’ Kerry implored. She was very pretty and persuasive.

‘Well okay,’ Wayne finally agreed, then added, ‘bbb..bbut my wife won’t like it.’

After a hearty drink and driving and putting lessons, Wayne thanked his host, ‘I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset.’

‘Don’t be silly,’ Kerry said with a smile, ‘she won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?’

‘Under the cart.’

Keep Your Head Down

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing. -Phyllis Diller

Martin Goes to the Dentist

Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist’s office. Martin says to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry I have three buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! Today is Friday and we have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:15 already… “.

The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have a tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.” So the dentist asks Martin, “Which tooth is it, sir?”

Martin turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth and show him, dear…….”

Would You Get Married Again? – Funny Women Golf Joke from Art Burley

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not – don’t you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I’d get married again.

WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan).

WIFE: Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND: Sure, it’s a great house.

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she’s left-handed.

WIFE: Silence –
HUSBAND: ‘Oh dear … *****’

An Amusing and True Golf Tale

The antenatal clinic at St Mary’s Hospital, Trafford, Manchester, England, was full of pregnant women accompanied by their partners and the class was in full swing.

Mrs. Sally Mackintosh, Midwife, was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She lectured, ‘Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.’

Sally gazed around slowly and studied the men in the room, ‘And gentlemen, remember; you’re in this together, it wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her.’

The room became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then Graham, a prospective Dad, at the back of the room, slowly and nervously raised his hand.

‘Yes?’ enquired Sally.

‘I was just wondering,’ stumbled Graham, ‘ Would it be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?’

Funny Women Things – Funny Things About Marriage

Amusing pictures, jokes, and funny things about marriage. Men feature, but usually not in a good light.

How Did She Do That?

Ten Funny Things About Marriage

The woman always makes the rules
These rules are subject to change without notice
No man can possibly know all the rules
The woman is never wrong
If it appears the woman is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the man did or said
The man must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding
The woman can change her mind at any time
The man must never change his mind without the proper consent of the woman
The man must read the mind of the woman at all times
At all times, what is important is what the woman meant, not what she said.

Funny Story About a Little Old Lady

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.

Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette-sprinkled cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, and the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife….. ‘Back off!’ she said, ‘they’re for the funeral.’

Marriage One-liners

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, ‘OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death.’
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Marriage Maths Marriage Proposals

When asked if there was anything they would have changed about one of the most romantic moments of their lives, several women said a ‘bigger diamond!’

54% of men still get down on one knee
44% of men ask their partner’s father for permission to marry
57% of men cry when she said yes
65% of women say he could have put more effort and preparation into the proposal
25% of couples wait longer than five years before taking their relationship that step further
23% of women have been proposed to more than once

Three Funny Women Things

The Minister noticed the bride was in distress and asked what was wrong. She replied that she was awfully nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. The Minister told her that she only needed to remember 3 things.

First the aisle, cos that is what you’ll be walking down. Secondly, the altar because that is where you will arrive. Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service. While the bride was walking in step with the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words…

… Aisle, alter hymn (I’ll alter him)

Recommendations Made by Men to Women

“Sports Report” starts at 5 pm on a Saturday and runs for one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your mother.
You probably don’t want to know what I’m thinking about.
Never buy a “new” brand of beer because ‘it was on sale.’
If we see each other in the morning and at night, why phone me at work?

“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a man who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means”. George Burns

Woman Jokes – One Liners

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, ‘Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’
The other replied, ‘Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.’
My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, ‘You know, I was a fool when I married you.’ The husband replied, ‘Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.’
‘I never know how much of what I say is true.’ Bette Midler
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted’. The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
The only thing worse than a man you can’t control is a man you can. Margo Kaufman
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. The second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children, and children love hamsters. Alice Thomas Ellis
‘It’s the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.’ Tallulah Bankhead

Note: Guy is happily married to Pauline, and Will is happily married to Stephanie. We consider ourselves gentlemen. In the ‘old days’ we found some women jokes, and many blonde jokes, in poor taste. However, we consider that the political correctness pendulum has swung too far the other way, and we are in danger of missing out on a rich seam of humor because the politically correct bandwagon seeks to ban all women jokes. Will and Guy continue to tread the middle ground where we will publish women jokes that we think are funny, but not offensive.

If you take political correctness to its logical conclusion, men would want to ban ‘man’ jokes like the following Rita Rudner quip, however, Will and Guy can laugh along with Rita without any thought of taking offense.

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. Rita Rudner

Some Psychology

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Reverse Psychology?

Iris, my sister-in-law, is a long-distance lorry driver. She decided to get a dog for protection for the long days and nights that she was away from home. As she studied a likely candidate, the breeder told her, ‘I must warn you that he doesn’t like men.’

‘Perfect’, Iris thought and promptly bought the dog.

Sometime later as she was leaving a transport café, two men approached her, in the car park, and Iris watched to see how her new ‘bodyguard’ would react. It soon became clear that the breeder hadn’t been joking, because as the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car and hid.

More Marriage Advice

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they go to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.
My opinions are my wife’s, and she says I’m lucky to have them.

If you have any clean ‘Woman’ one-lines please send them to Will and Guy

How Being a Parent Can Change Your Life:

When a baby is born into a family it affects everyone in that family. However, as you have baby 2, then baby 3, the way in which you deal with the child also changes considerably. Read these suggested differences and enjoy a laugh with Will and Guy.

Your Baby’s Clothing:

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your pregnancy is confirmed.

2nd baby: You wear your ordinary clothes for as long as you are able.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your ordinary clothes.

Getting Ready for the Day of the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing as often as possible

2nd baby: You don’t bother practicing your breathing because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t help at all.

3rd baby: You accept an epidural injection as soon as it is offered.

Women – Words of Wisdom

Funny Woman Jokes and Funny Short Stories

It’s All in the Name

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, ‘Ma’am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.’

The woman thinks to herself, ‘Oh No, not my brother… he’s an idiot!’ She asks the doctor, ‘Well, what’s the girl’s name?’ Denise.’

‘Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! What’s the boy’s name? ‘Denephew.’

Beer Test

Men Are Just Happier People – Sickening eh!

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You can never be pregnant.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can open all your own jars.
You can play with toys all your life.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
Your underwear is $9.95 for a three-pack.
You never have strap problems in public.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You! are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

New Female Maths – 710

Yesterday I was having some work done on my car at the Ford dealer.

While I was talking to Bert, the Mechanic, a woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten… We all looked at each other, and Bert asked, ‘What is a seven-hundred-ten?’

She replied, ‘You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there.’

Bert gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, ‘Is there a 710 on this car ?’

She pointed and said, ‘Of course, it’s right there.’

Now check the photo to learn what a 710 is………

Love Affair?

An 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, ‘What did you steal?’

She replied, ‘A can of peaches.’

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, ‘I will then give you 6 days in jail.’

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, ‘What is it?’

The husband said, ‘She also stole a can of peas.’

Is Romance Dead?

Brian had asked Dave to help him out with cutting his rather large garden hedge after work, so Dave went straight over to Brian’s home. When they got to the front door, Brian went straight up to his wife, gave her a big hug, and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her excellent cooking, kissed her, and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were cutting the privet, Dave told Brian that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Brian said that he’d started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn’t be better. Dave thought he’d give it a go.

When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her, and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Dave was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, ‘This is the worst day of my life. First, little Nigel fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!’

With This Ring I Me Wed

Janet Downes, from Nebraska, USA, thinks she has found the secret to a happy marriage: she’s marrying herself on her fortieth birthday. She says the wedding ceremony celebrates that she is ‘happy with herself,’ and plans to exchange vows with herself in the mirror.

The ceremony will include a wedding gown, flowers, a traditional cake, and a choir.

Woman Jokes – Funny Picture Section

Half Price Sale 21 Miles —-> Fresh Water 400 yds. Which way will she go?

Expensive Divorce

Mr Toskana has had an expensive divorce and now needs the money SALE NOW ON!!

Man Hoover?

Woman Driver Jokes – How did She do THAT

Our question is how did the woman explain parking the car?

As ever, Will and Guy try to alter names and pictures to protect the guilty – Even Women drivers!

More Amusing Woman Pictures

Wife’s Revenge

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Rita Rudner

I Love You? Mixed Message

But I hate your car.

Finally: Thinking Man – A Little Reading is Dangerous

The husband had just finished reading the book ‘Man of the House.’

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, he said,

‘From now on I want you to know that I am the man of the house and my word is law. I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a scrumptious dessert. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?

His wife replies, ‘The funeral director would be my guess’.

Catherinettes Day 25th November Humour, Jokes and Hats

Women who have reached the age of 25 become ‘Catherinettes’, they have their own special day of celebration on the 25th of November.

Catherinettes – Husbands, Hats and 25

In France, women who reach the age of 25 and are not married are called Catherinettes. Their motto is: ‘Lord, give me a husband who’s bearable, or who can at least pass as bearable in the world!’ Whereas French girls under 25 would pray: ‘Lord, give me a well-situated husband. Let him be gentle, rich, generous, and pleasant!’

Catherinettes form support groups, and they can be recognized by their hats, which are yellow (for faith) and green (for wisdom), topped off by some eye-catching features. Tradition has it that Catherinettes should wear the hat for the entire day without taking it off even indoors. Milliners in France, and elsewhere, have not been slow to produce a range of hats to celebrate St Catherine’s Day.

Catherinettes Humour

Mathematics of Marriage

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

St Catherine Day Jokes

A Question Of Marriage Guidance

Vicky, a young single lady visits the local dating agency and explains, ‘I’m looking for a husband. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?’

The dating receptionist needs to find out some details so she asks, ‘What are your requirements, please?’

‘Well, let me see.’ Vicky says, ‘He needs to be fine looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hours, if I don’t go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and being silent when I want to rest.’

The receptionist listens politely and carefully and responds, ‘I understand. You need a television.’

Catherinette One-liners

Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet. Mae West.
‘It’s the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.’ Tallulah Bankhead
A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor’s degree, and the woman gets her master’s.

Why Women Are Beautiful

‘God,’ inquired Adam,
‘Why did you make Eve so beautiful?’
‘So you would love her.’

‘But why did you make her so dumb?’
‘So she would love you.’

Words To Describe Catherinettes

The alleged most commonly used words of endearment: Honey (48%), Baby (44%), Sweetheart (41%), Dear (39%), Lover (32%), Darling (31%), Sugar (24%), Angel (20%), Pumpkin (13%), Beautiful (6%).

St Catherine’s Statue and Prayers

One custom is that on the 25th of November, girls should visit a statue of St Catherine, where they make a little prayer for a husband.

Saint Catherine is good
We have no hope but you, You are our protector
Have pity on us
We implore you on our knees
Help us to get married
For pity’s sake, give us a husband
For we’re burning with love
Deign to hear the prayer
Which comes from our overburdened hearts
Oh you who are our mother
Give us a husband

In England, we have a shorter folk saying:

St Catherine, St Catherine, O lend me thine aid,
And grant that I never may die an old maid.

St Catherine of the Wheel

St Catherine of Alexandria, (Saint Catherine of the Wheel) was sentenced by the Roman Emperor Maxentius, the barbaric method in favor of women was torture and then death on the wheel. However, when Catherine was placed on the wheel it was the one that broke. She was then beheaded, and later achieved the status of Saint. Incidentally, Joan of Arc said that Saint Catherine appeared to her on more than one occasion.

Funny, But Clean Women Jokes

Grass is Greener?

Diana, one evening, drew her husband’s attention to the couple next door and said, ‘Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don’t you do that?’

‘I would love to do that,’ replied Diana’s husband, ‘but the problem is……….she won’t let me.’

The Bathroom

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from a hotel chain.

The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Sense of Direction?

Mike and Pauline were relating their holiday experiences to a friend.

‘It sounds as if you had a great time in Nevada,’ the friend observed. ‘But didn’t you tell me you were planning to visit Philadelphia?

‘Well,’ Mike interrupted, ‘we changed our plans because, uh……oh……..umm.’

Pauline spoke up, ‘Come on, Mike, tell him the truth.’

Mike fell silent and Pauline continued, ‘You know, it’s just stupid. Mike simply won’t ever ask for directions.’

Woman Driver

Magistrate: But if you saw the lady driving towards you, why didn’t you give her half the road?

Motorist: I was going to, Your Honour, as soon as I could find out which half she wanted.

Husbands For Sale

Anne put an advertisement in the ‘classifieds’ : Husband Wanted.

The next day Anne received hundreds of letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine.

Toby and Andrea came upon a wishing well.

Andrea, with great alacrity, leaned over, took a deep breath, made a wish and threw in a penny.

Toby also decided to make a wish, but he leaned over too far, fell into the well, and drowned.

Andrea was stunned for a moment but then smiled, ‘It really works!’

Warning – Women’s Body Parts Move

Excerpt from a letter by Ms Peggy Legg

This is an explanation to those friends and family who have experienced mysterious switches in their body parts.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else’s thighs.

Wise Words From ‘The Funny Sisterhood’

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
My mind not only wanders – it sometimes leaves me completely.

Why We Split Up

My new wife Jenny told me we couldn’t afford beer anymore and I’d have to quit. Then I caught her spending $75 on makeup. So I asked, how come I had to give up stuff and not her?

She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don’t think Jenny’s coming back.

Funny Reason for Divorce

Judge Jeffries was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, ‘What exactly are the grounds for your divorce?’

Amy replied, ‘Approximately four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.’

‘No,’ Judge Jeffries continued, ‘I mean what is the foundation of this case?’ ‘It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,’ responded Amy promptly.

‘I mean,’ he sighed, ‘What are your relations like?’ ‘Ah well, I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.’

Judge Jeffries asked, ‘Do you have a real grudge?’ ‘No, we haven’t,’ Amy replied, ‘We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.’

‘Please,’ Judge Jeffries took a deep breath and tried again, ‘is there any infidelity in your marriage?’ ‘Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes,’ smiled Amy.

‘Ma’am,’ Judge Jeffries raised his voice, ‘does your husband ever beat you up?’ ‘Oh yes,’ Amy responded, ‘about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.’

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, ‘Lady, why do you want a divorce?’ ‘Oh, I don’t want a divorce,’ Amy replied. ‘I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.’