Funny Stories - Funny Jokes

Funny Dog Stories

Miracle Dog’s 60 Mile Car Odyssey

The dog clung to the front of the car for almost 60 miles A dog is recovering after managing to cling to the grille of a car for almost 60 miles. The dog traveled all the way from Coleraine to Belfast, wedged in the front of a Peugeot 306.

The driver thought he had struck something on the dual carriageway outside Coleraine after hearing a thud, but when he saw nothing on the road, he continued unaware of his ‘passenger’. It was only when he got out at the Odyssey Arena in Belfast that he heard a barking sound coming from the front bonnet.

After such an ordeal, the dog was understandably grumpy, and this attitude has earned him the nickname Father Jack in honor of the cantankerous priest in the sitcom Father Ted.

As reported by Peter Allen on Radio 5 Live ‘Drive’ program.

Missing Arkansas Dog Found in Calgary, Canada

This Labrador cross, originally from Arkansas, was found roaming in Calgary. (CBC)A missing dog belonging to a family from Arkansas has turned up in Calgary, and will soon be on its way home.

The Labrador cross – known as River or Buddy – was found wandering in a Calgary park last week. Bylaw officers discovered the dog had a microchip, and found out he was supposedly abducted as a puppy four years ago from a family in Arkansas.

Officials don’t know how the dog ended up roughly 3,000 kilometers from his home, but now that his real identity has been discovered he will be flown back to his original owners in the U.S. Tuesday.

“We always say the license is your ticket home and it should be backed up by a microchip,” said Bill Bruce of Animal and Bylaw Services.

“And in this case, he didn’t have a license, but he did have a microchip. And as we say, the ticket home is what it’s all about – it’s how we get lost dogs home.”

Bruce said Calgary Animal Services returns around 95 percent of lost dogs with microchips to their owners.

[Lost dog story kindly sent in by Cheryl Lohr.]

This is a True Story About My Alsatian Dog, Rex

I used to live in Southampton, England in the 1940s, and the local tram terminus was about 100 yards away from our front door.

One day, my mother got on the tram to go shopping. As she settled in her seat, she noticed that there were two dogs sitting alongside the driver – our dog Rex and his playmate – a little black mongrel called Mickey.

Mum asked the conductor “What are those dogs doing up there with the tram driver?” “Are they your dogs, madam?” the conductor asked.

“Well,” said mum, “one of them is.”

“Then madam,” replied the conductor, “you owe Southampton Corporation Transport a few quid!” “Why?” asked my mother. The conductor replied: “Those two dogs get on a tram at this time every day and go to the recreation ground alongside the river. They have a good old run around and then catch another tram home!”

Mother could hardly believe it, but the tram began to move, and after three stops the two dogs alighted, crossed a fairly busy main road disappeared into the local recreation ground and, presumably caught a later tram back home.

[Amusing dog story kindly sent in by Trevor Warland.]

Buddy the Alsatian Saves His Owner Joe

Chris Trott was on duty answering the emergency phone line when a call came through from a dog. Nobody would have blamed her for hanging up, but something about the urgency of the barking and the whimpering made Chris stay on the line. On checking the incoming phone number Chris realized that the line belonged to Joe Stalnaker, who is known to be susceptible to seizures.

The background to this phone rescue was that Joe had pre-programmed the buttons on his phone to dial 911, so all his dog Buddy had to do was pick up the phone in his mouth. One of his teeth was almost certain to hold down one of the keys for 3 seconds and thus trigger the dialing. (See mock-up of miracle dog with the phone above).

The very same thing had happened twice before, unfortunately, Joe is prone to seizures as a result of suffering a brain injury while serving in the army. Buddy arrived aged 8 weeks courtesy of ‘Paws With A Cause’, which trains miracle dogs like Buddy to help people like Joe.

Surprisingly, Will and Guy learn that there have been other similar cases of miracle dog rescues, for example, Leana Beasley’s Rottweiler called Faith summoned help by pressing a speed-dial button with her nose. Then when the operator answered, Faith barked down the phone so that the emergency services operator realized Leana needed medical assistance.

K9friendsunited.com – Started from the Cab of a Lorry!

Some of the greatest websites ever to come online have started from some of the most humble beginnings like the kitchen table, bedrooms, and garden shed. But now there is one in particular that stands out even more the Cab of a Lorry.

What makes it even more humble is the long-distance lorry driver who created it. He has no formal training in computers or web design and wait for it he doesn’t even own a dog. He planned, wrote, and sketched it out on bits of paper and then put it all together on a second-hand laptop that he bought at a truck stop for £95 and it didn’t stop there, he had to get somebody to show him not only how to open the laptop but also switch it on.

The idea came to Diarmuid Scullin after driving through Stow-on-the-Wold, in Gloucestershire, England. He stopped his lorry in the middle of the road, got out, and helped an elderly lady who was walking her dog get across the road safely at the same time, he helped an elderly gentleman cross the road with his dog in the opposite direction; they both thanked him and went their different ways. To the angry sound of blaring horns Diarmuid calmly got back in his lorry and continued on his way.

During the next few weeks on his long haul journeys, Diarmuid began noticing that people out walking dogs were always walking on their own. It was a rare occasion when he would see two people walking together or even stopping to talk to each other. To pass the time as he drove along he used to see how many he could count out walking in a day.

The only thing Diarmuid knew about dog owners that he had met was that they were always very warm, sincere, and friendly people and liked nothing better than to talk about and show you their dogs. As the weeks went by he seemed to be seeing more people out walking their dogs and the more he saw the more he thought about his idea to create a social networking site for dog lovers.

Not one for giving up he thought why not give it a try, the next town he came to he stopped at a shopping centre and enquired about computer magazines bought them and later that night when parked up started reading into the making a website.

Diarmuid was soon to get a new handle on the CBs from his fellow truckers as the Dogfather, as he recalls a fellow trucker on the CB saying … big 10-4 good buddies out there, just passed the Dogfather sitting in his kennel chewing on some books must get a lead tomorrow and take him out for a walk, one of the replies was ask him if he could get me a curly tail for a corgi, another was looking a starting handle for a lazy greyhound. I got a lot of stick but it was all good fun.

After a few months of digesting everything he could find out about websites, he decided to take an easier option when he heard about web developers whose job it was to build websites. Thinking this would be the road to go down and a much faster way to get it sorted he gathered up all his material and went to meet a few (actually 5 of them).

The response he got when he told them of his plans was far from friendly. They told him straight to his face that anyone thinking of making a social networking site for dogs has got to be crazy. It simply wouldn’t work, the whole idea was stupid and he was stupid. On one occasion he was laughed out of an office and told to stick to lorry driving.

Now in a dilemma of either doing it on his own or packing it in, was going to be a tough decision to make.

Cutting to the chase and after two very long hard difficult years of endless reading, studying, researching, and making some of the most woeful mistakes K9friendsunited.com finally made it onto the World Wide Web. His response well absolute shock but at the same time it was brilliant to see dog lovers using it.

Diarmuid’s dream of giving dog lovers their very own dedicated website (which by the way is totally free) is at last becoming a reality. Knowing he still has a mountain to climb he believes what Facebook and Twitter have done for other people K9 Friends United will do the same for dog lovers.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story, it is very much appreciated.

Diarmuid Scullin, Founder of k9friendsunited.com

Cat Stories for Children

The Monkey, The Cats and The Cheese

Once upon a time two cats found a piece of cheese and cut it into two pieces. Now, one piece was slightly bigger than the other. Naturally, both the cats wanted the bigger piece.

So they decided to approach a monkey and ask him to sort out the matter.

The monkey said, ‘Don’t worry. I’ll make both the pieces equal. Then it took a bite from the bigger piece. But this made the other piece larger. So it took a bite from the other piece. This continued till the pieces became very small.

Seeing this, the cats pleaded, ‘Sir. We are satisfied. Let us have the pieces now.’

The shrewd monkey replied, ‘This is my fee for sorting out the problem.’

Saying this, it gobbled up all the remaining cheese.

A Cat’s Story of Captivity

My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Maybe I should try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. I must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little kitty cat I was. This is not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing something called ‘allergies.’ Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.

The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks with them regularly, and I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait…

It’s only a matter of time.

The Cat Cactus Chronicle

What do you make of this picture? What’s the cat looking at? How did he get there? What’s the story behind this picture? It would be a wonderful challenge to ask a class of schoolchildren to let their imagination run wild and write a story to explain the picture. Lest you think that cruelty was involved in taking this picture, this is the background to the image.

Scaredy Cat – The True Story

This bobcat leaped 50 feet up a prickly cactus and stayed there for six hours to escape from a mountain lion in the Sonoran Desert, Gold Canyon, Arizona, USA. The terrified feline climbed to the top of the Giant Saguaro Cactus and was so scared it stayed there for several hours.

Miracle Cat Survives Scare

A ginger kitten used up one of his nine lives when he survived a 70mph trip; hidden away inside the chassis of a car. The driver stopped his car when he heard loud miaowing coming from the rear of his motor as he drove to work in Sankt Poelten, Austria.

Mechanics spent three hours dismantling the car until they found Gussie, who belongs to a neighbor, huddling inside the chassis. He was hungry and a bit dirty and frightened but he seemed very relieved to be free. ‘He wouldn’t stop purring,’ mechanic Leopold Wohlmertsberger informed us.

(Judging by the picture, Gussie does not look too exhausted say Will and Guy)

Chinese Love Stories

Here are the best Chinese love stories that Will and Guy have found. All the accounts are moving and amazing tales of true love.

A Story of a Deep and Profound Love from China: The Tale of Liu and Xu

An incredible love story has come out of China recently and managed to touch the world.

It is a story of a man and an older woman who ran off to live and love each other in peace for over half a century.

Over 50 years ago, Liu, a 19-year-old boy, fell in love with a 29-year-old widowed mother named Xu. At that time, it was unacceptable and immoral for a young man to love an older woman. To avoid the market gossip, the couple decided to elope and lived in a cave in Jiangjin County in the Southern Chongqing area of China.

In the beginning, they had nothing, no electricity or even food. They had to eat grass and roots they found in the mountain, and Liu made a kerosene lamp that they used to light up their lives. In the second year of living in the mountain, Liu began and continued for over 50 years, to hand-carve the steps [over 6000] so that his wife could get down the mountain easily.

The couple had lived quietly together for over 50 years until recently. Liu, now 72 years old, returned from his daily farm work and collapsed. Xu sat and prayed with her husband as he passed away in her arms.

So in love with Xu, was Liu, that no one was able to release the grip he had on his wife’s hand even after he had passed away.

Will and Guy have discovered that the local government in the area has decided to preserve the love ladder and the place they lived as a museum, so this love story can live forever.

Life is Short Says Chinese Lover

For love, there’s no challenge too great

Liu Peiwen (刘培温), is a 29-year-old, who is walking from his hometown of Anyang, Henan Province to Guangzhou, Guangdong Province in order to propose to his girlfriend. The distance is about 1,800 kilometers (1000 miles) overland from Anyang to Guangzhou.

Setting out at the end of June 2011 Liu said he expects the journey to take about one and a half months.

‘We were just joking one time that if I walked from Anyang to Guangzhou, she’d convince her mother to let her marry me,’ he told journalists after arriving at Luohe, Henan Province on 3rd July carrying a small hand-made flag that read, ‘Valiantly, full of mettle, setting out to visit my wife’s mother.’

‘雄赳赳，气昂昂，去见丈母娘’

‘Life is short,’ he said, ‘and for love, there’s no challenge too great.’ We have discovered that his girlfriend has said that she would marry him anyway and added, ‘He’s always been a fruitcake.’

Romance Blossoms in China

Couples Pledge Their Love in a Funny Way

Three young couples were married while balancing on bamboo poles on the river Xiangjiang in China. The brides [see right] all wore traditional wedding dresses while the grooms wore suits for the grand occasion on the Xiangjiang River in Zunyi City, Guizhou province.

Each couple belongs to the local single bamboo rafting club and chooses to get married on the water to show their skill at the sport. We have heard the sport involves racing on the river while balancing on a locally produced bamboo pole around 20cm in diameter. They aim to popularise their sport. What a delightful story of true romance.

Chinese Romeo Dives In At the Deep End

A Story of Love: Will You Marry Me?

A Chinese man took his girlfriend to visit an aquarium and then shocked her with a surprise proposal from inside the tank. This romantic act took place at the Fuzhou Zuohai Aquarium, in Fuzhou, Fujian province.

Will and Guy have discovered that Wang Jian, 28, had been taking diving lessons in secret from his girlfriend Xie Wenzhen, 24, for two months before his proposal.

‘Jian left me in front of the giant water tank saying he was going to get some drinks,’ said Miss Xie. ‘Suddenly a boy holding a bunch of flowers appeared in the water, and two other divers behind him opened a scroll, reading, ‘Please marry me.’

‘I was stunned, as I realized that the man in the tank was my boyfriend. I never expected I would be taking such a leading role in the proposal. I’m so happy.’

Our photo shows Miss Xie putting her hands to Mr Wang’s against the glass; she then kissed him through the aquarium glass to signal her acceptance.

Clean Hilarious Jokes and Comical Stories

Andy told me he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith. So I asked him, “What was the name of his other leg?”

The Thief and the Parrot Hilarious Story

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He stealthily crept through the lounge and was stopped dead in his tracks when he heard a loud voice clearly saying, ‘Jesus is watching you!’

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. ‘Jesus is watching you’, the voice rang out again.

The thief stopped dead again. He was frightened out of his wits. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a birdcage, and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot, ‘Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?’

‘Yes’, said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a heavy sigh of relief and asked the parrot: ‘What’s your name?’

‘Ronald’, said the bird.

‘That’s a stupid name for a parrot, ‘sneered the burglar.’ What idiot named you Ronald?’

The parrot said, ‘The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus.’

Reverend Billy Graham Makes Big Impression on Small Boy

This story is allegedly true:

Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to post a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, ‘If you’ll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven.’

The boy replied, ‘I don’t think I’ll be there… You don’t even know your way to the post office.’

Cream Loses Its Magic

Little Michael watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.’ Why do you do that, Mummy?’ he asked ‘To make myself beautiful’, said his mother who then began removing the cream with a tissue ‘What’s the matter?’ asked little Michael, ‘Giving up?’

Comical Stories

The Bungled Getaway

The two criminal masterminds planned their heist carefully. They knew the courier would have a suitcase full of cash. They waited for his car to pass, then pursued him at high speed, shooting at the vehicle until the courier was forced to pull over.

Armed robbers made off with what they thought was a suitcase full of cash – they were in for a surprise.
Back at their secret hideout, the bandits prepared to force the locks and spring the cash. That’s when they noticed their plan had gone horribly wrong; instead of taking the money, they made off with a first aid kit.

Police spokesman Johann Steinlitz said, ‘If there was an award for the dumbest crooks they would certainly be in the running.

But even though they did not get what they were after, we are still investigating for attempted armed robbery and endangering lives. Luckily the courier was not harmed in the incident.’

Travel Office

Customer: ‘I’ve been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can’t get through to inquiries, can you help?’.

Operator: ‘Where did you get that number from, sir?’

Customer: ‘It was at the door to the Travel Centre’.

Operator: ‘Sir, 0700 2300 is our opening hours’.

Only in America – Crazy Awards

A man from Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor’s beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced-in yard, as was the man. The award was less than sought because the jury felt that the man who, at the time, was shooting the animal repeatedly with a pellet gun might have provoked the dog.

Another Batch of Clean Hilarious Jokes

Will and Guy have deliberately chosen a wide variety of topics, thus we will be surprised if at least one of these uproarious jokes does not make you smile.

Important Phone Fixed

Having just moved into his new office in Whitehall, pompous, newly promoted Lieutenant Commander Rodney Grant [Royal Navy] was sitting at his desk when Leading Seaman Jones knocked on his door. Particularly aware of his new position, the commander quickly picked up the phone, told the seaman to enter, then said into the phone, ‘Yes, Admiral, I’ll be seeing him this afternoon and I’ll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.’

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed young Jones man, he asked, ‘What do you want?’

‘Nothing important, sir,’ Jones replied without batting an eyelid, ‘I’m just here to connect up your new telephone.’

Worse Punishment?

An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft’s sewage holding tank.

The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.

When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded, ‘Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I have a bang on my head, I’m stationed in Greenland, a dog ran off with my coat, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?’

Will and Guy’s Joke Collection

We hope that you are enjoying our varied collection of hilarious jokes. To surprise – but not to shock – we have deliberately chosen a wide variety of topics for our amusing yarns.

Advanced Driving Test

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left-hand side, there is a valley and on your right-hand side, there is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you, there is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you, there is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get off the merry-go-round – you’re drunk!

Maths

The math teacher saw that Daphne wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on her and said, ‘Daphne! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’

Daphne quickly replied, ‘ABC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!’

Learning to Fish

Mrs Baker wanted to go ice fishing. She had read several books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary equipment together, she made her way out onto the ice.

After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Frighteningly, from up above, a voice boomed, ‘There are no fish under the ice.’ Startled, Mrs Baker moved farther down the ice, poured herself a large coffee, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, ‘There are no fish under the ice.’ Mrs Baker now became very concerned so she moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and began again to cut her ice-hole.

The voice rang out once more, ‘There are no fish under the ice.’ Mrs Baker, stopped, looked upwards, and said, ‘Is that you, Lord?’

The voice replied, ‘No, this is the Ice-Rink Manager.’

Have You Heard This One?

Two West Country yokels were on the train heading homewards through Somerset, England when one of them noticed some cows.

‘What a lovely bunch of cows.’ he remarked. ‘Not a bunch, herd,’ his mate replied.

‘Heard of what?’ ‘Herd of cows.’

‘Of course, I’ve heard of cows.’

‘No, a cow herd.’

‘What do I care what a cow heard? I have no secrets to keep from a cow.’

Clean Jokes and Funny Stories for October

It’s a funny kind of month, October. For the keen cricket (or baseball) fan it’s when you discover that your wife left you in May. – Denis Norden

No Exit – Funny Hotel Story

Byron checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the reception desk and says, ‘You’ve given me a room with no exit. How do I get out?’ The desk clerk says, ‘Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?’

Byron replies, ‘Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into a cupboard. And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘Do not disturb‘ sign on it.’

Make Your Bed?

Denis went on holiday to Torremolinos, Spain, and stayed in a cheap hotel. The reason it was cheap was because he had to make his own bed. They gave him a hammer and nails to do that.

Letter of the Month – Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with ‘the girls’ a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, ‘just some friends from work, you don’t know them.’ I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with ‘the girls’. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the golf shop where I bought it?

Thanks, Jim

Mexican Cyclist

A man on a bike, carrying two saddlebags, was stopped by a guard while crossing the US-Mexican border. He had rigged up a primitive rope bridge to bypass the customs control.

‘What’s in the bags? demanded the guard. ‘Sand,’ the cyclist answered. ‘Take them off. I need to take a look.’ retorted the guard.

The guard emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing but sand. The man reloaded his bags and continued across the border. A week later, the same man was crossing again with two more bags. The guard demanded to see them, and again they contained nothing but sand. This continued every week for six months until one day the cyclist failed to appear. A few days later, that same guard ran into the cyclist in Tijuana.

‘Hey, where have you been?’ the guard enquired. ‘You sure had us wondering. We knew you were smuggling something across the border. So tell me and I won’t say a word. What was it?’

The man smiled broadly and told him the truth, ‘Bicycles!’

Fishy stories

Printing instructions: Press the printer button on your browser. If all else fails, press Ctrl + p

1. Gone Fishing

Alex had a terrible day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the fishmonger and ordered four rainbow trout. He told the fishmonger, ‘Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?’

‘Why do you want me to throw them at you?’ Asked the salesman?’ So that I am able to tell my wife, in all honesty, that I caught them.’ said Alex.

‘Okay, but I suggest that you take the salmon.’ Why’s that?’ Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take salmon. That’s what she’d like for supper tonight.’ replied the fishmonger with a grin.

2. How to Get Smart

A customer at Stingray Fishmongers marveled at the owner’s quick wit and intelligence.

‘Tell me, Simon, what makes you so smart?’

‘I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone, ‘Simon replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won’t hear.’ But since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you’ll be positively brilliant.’

‘You sell them here?’ the customer asks.

‘Only $4 apiece, ‘says Simon.

The customer buys three. A week later, he’s back in the store complaining that the fish heads are disgusting and he isn’t any smarter.

‘You didn’t eat enough, ‘says Simon. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he’s back and this time he’s really angry.

‘Hey, Simon, ‘he complains, ‘you’re selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. you’re ripping me off!’

‘You see?’ says Simon.’ you’re smarter already.’

Funny Army stories

A collection of amusing military yarns from generals down to recruits.

I once was asked if I was an English Major, and I replied: “No, just an American Sergeant.”

General Stuck in the Mud

During training exercises, a lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced general at the wheel.

‘Your jeep stuck, sir?’ enquired the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

‘Nope,’ replied the general, coming over and handing him the keys, ‘Yours is.’

American Army Soldier Yarn

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

The Nutty Soldier

Our mission is to amuse you with a wide variety of jokes, amusing anecdotes, and thought-provoking images. We also aim to surprise but never shock you.

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown, and say, ‘That’s not it’ and put it down again.

This went on for some time until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled, and said: ‘That’s it.’

Footnote: Will and Guy cannot decide if this is a sad or funny army story.

American General Reinwald Tale

Here we have a clash of stereotypes, a USA one-star general and a female left-wing reporter. The resulting interview builds up to the sort of put-down that we all wish we could deliver.

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio concerning guns and children.

This is a portion of an American National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female interviewer and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation. Incidentally, the battle of words took place on a Tuesday.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We’re going to teach the Boy Scouts climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Footnote – Confession time

The saga of General Reinwald is an urban myth. Internet archaeologists have traced this funny army back to a Welsh broadcast with a scoutmaster in 1997. As with all good stories, in the intervening years, it has been adapted and Americanized. Will and Guy thank Nancy Hoagland for supplying this extra research and insight into the myth of General Reinwald. However, we do have more funny army stories…

Funny Australian Stories

Will and Guy have selected funny Australian stories that reflect this independent continent at the bottom of the world.

True Aussie Mates

Sheila didn’t come home one night. When Bruce asked her where she’d been she said she spent the night at a girlfriend’s house.

Bruce was a bit suspicious she’d been “rooting around” so rang her ten closest friends, but none of them had seen her.

The following week Bruce didn’t come home one night. Sheila asks him where he’d been. So Bruce says he got a bit drunk at a mate’s place and thought it was safer not to drive but crash out there.

Sheila thinks he’s been “rooting around” so rings his ten best mates. In true Aussie style – eight of them say he spent the night there and two claim he’s still there.

A Funny Aussie Story About Calling God

Droll and Witty Aussie Humour About ‘Phoning Heaven’

Jay, an American, was commissioned to write a book about famous churches around the world. Firstly, Jay bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Columbus, Ohio, USA, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from East to West.

On his first day, he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read “$10,000 per call”.

Jay was intrigued so he asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. Jay thanked the priest and went along his way.

The next stop was in Des Moines, Iowa, and there at a very large cathedral, he saw the same-looking golden telephone with the same sign under it. Jay wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he had seen in Columbus and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. Seriously polite, Jay thanked the nun for her help.

Jay then traveled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, and New Zealand. In every church, he saw the same-looking golden telephone with the same “$US10,000 per call” sign under it.

Jay decided to travel to the southern hemisphere of Australia to see if they had a similar phone. He arrived in Western Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read “40 cents per call.”

Somewhat surprised, Jay asked the priest about the sign. ‘Father Brian, I’ve traveled all over the world and I’ve seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I’m told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?’

Father Brian smiled and answered, ‘My son, you’re in Australia now – this is Heaven, so it’s only a local call.’

An American Goes To Oz

Randy, a Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets Glen, an Aussie farmer, and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, ‘Oh yeah. We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.’

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Glen shows off his herd of cattle. Then Randy immediately says, ‘We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.’

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field and so he asks, ‘And what are those?’

‘Glen’, the Aussie replies with an incredulous look, ‘Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas.’

Hilarious and Funny Aussie Stories

Will and Guy have tried hard to discover whether these amusing Australian Tales are true or not. In the end, we have decided that they probably are.

True Australian Story

Back in 1948, General Motors introduced an Australian-built car, the Holden. With minor changes, they kept building the same model until 1956. There were supposed to be only about two dozen different keys for the model so if you had a few different keys the cars were very easy to steal.

A pal of my father’s, Kevin Sutherland bought one in the mid-1950s and it was stolen a few months later. The village had only about 1100 people so police didn’t have much to search and didn’t find it. Some weeks later Mr Sutherland went to the Queensland capital, Brisbane. That was about 750 miles away by road. While walking down the main street of the city he saw his car parked almost in front of his hotel. He rushed to his room, took his house key ring which still had the car keys on it, and drove the car to the nearest police station to report he had recovered it. The newspaper he had bought the day it was stolen was still on the back seat.

Footnote: This classic Australian story was kindly sent in by Ken England

Bruce’s Funny Story

Bruce went to the police station and asked to speak to the burglar who had broken into his house the previous night.

‘You’ll get your chance in court,’ the desk Sergeant Kelly told him.

‘I have to know how he got into the house without waking my wife,’ pleaded Bruce. ‘I’ve been trying to do that for years.’

Passport – A Letter from an Aussie to His Government

Dear Mr Minister,

I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a television set and golf clubs from them back in 1997,
and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date? For Christ’s sake, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date is in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 40 years.

It is also on my driver’s license, on the last eight passports I’ve ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off planes over the past 30 years.

It’s also on all those insufferable census forms that I’ve filled out every 5 years since 1966.

Also… would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Audrey, my father’s name is Jack, and I’d be absolutely bloody astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!

****! What do you people do with all this information we keep having to provide?

I apologize, Mr Minister. But I’m really pissed off this morning. Between you and me, I’ve had enough of all this bullshit!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bloody address! What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthals working there?

And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I can’t even grow a beard for God’s sake. I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl). And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether or not I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? In the unlikely event I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, ’cause I have to go to the other side of Sydney and get another bloody copy of my birth certificate – and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?

Nooooo, That’d be too bloody easy and makes far too much sense.

You would much prefer to have us running all over the bloody place like chickens with our heads cut off, and then having to find some ‘high-society’ idiot to confirm that it’s really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo… the one where we’re not allowed to smile? You bloody morons.

Signed – An Irate Australian Citizen.

AUSTRALIAN LETTER – I think the sender might have been upset!

The above is an actual letter sent to the DFAT (Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade) Immigration Minister. The Government tried desperately to censure the author, but got nowhere because every legal person who read it couldn’t stop laughing!

Funny Bear Stories

The Atheist and the Bear

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. ‘What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!’,
he said to himself.

As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.

He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.

At that instant, the atheist cried out: ‘Oh my God!…’

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying:

‘You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?’

The atheist looked directly into the light.

‘It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?’

‘Very well, ‘said the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head, and spoke: ‘Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen.’

Listen: Do Not Feed The Bears

A visitor to a zoo, who was worse for wear from drinking too much alcohol, was badly injured trying to handfeed a caged bear. The rather silly man from Shandong Province was freed from the bear’s grasp after keepers rushed to help.

Zoo officials indicated to Will and Guy that the man’s actions were foolish in the extreme. He had apparently ignored warning signs instructing him not to feed the animals or reach into their cages.

‘If you ignore the safety warnings, you must take full responsibility for the consequences,’ a zoo official told us. You couldn’t make it up this bear story.

Roderick and the Two Bears

Roderick is rambling in the woods one day when a bear chases him up a really tall tree. The bear starts to climb the tree, so Roderick climbs up higher. Then, the bear climbs down and goes away.

Again, Roderick starts to climb down the tree. Suddenly, the bear returns, and this time he’s brought an even bigger bear with him. The two bears climb up the tree, the bigger bear going higher than the first. Rod climbs even higher still so that the bears can’t reach him. Eventually, the bears go away.

Naturally quite relieved, Roderick starts down the tree again. Suddenly, the two bears return, this time Rod knows he is in big trouble, as each bear is carrying a beaver.

Beer Bait

Campground workers at the Baker Lake Resort on Washington State’s Puget Sound were surprised to find a black bear passed out and surrounded by three dozen beer cans. The animal had swiped the tinnies from campers’ coolers and seemed to take a liking to the local brew, Rainier Beer.

The bear was chased away only to return the next day, presumably looking for more beer. Wildlife agents captured the bear using honey, doughnuts, and beer for bait.

Funny Car Stories

Cars are a humor inspiration. Something funny is always happening in or around a car.

1. A True Car Story – Allegedly

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no – he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from the party the police pull him over for weaving all over the road, ask him to get out of the car, and take the breathalyzer test. Just as he is about to blow into the bag, the police radio informs the policemen of a robbery taking place in a house a short distance away.

The police tell the partygoer to remain where he is, they will be right back, and they run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has ‘flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with ‘flu and has been there all day. However, the police have his driver’s license. They ask to see his car, and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find the police car, lights still flashing.

2. Good Deal for Freya

Freya was driving her Chevrolet Vega home in New Mexico when she saw an elderly Apache woman walking along the side of the road. She stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a lift.

With a silent nod, the woman climbed into the car. Freya tried in vain to make conversation with the Apache woman.

The old Apache looked closely at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a red gift bag on the seat next to Freya.

‘What’s in the bag?’ asked the old woman.

‘It’s a bottle of gin that I got for my husband.’

The Apache woman was silent for another minute or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, ‘Good trade.’

3. Crazy Aussie

A drunk driver tried to avoid arrest by leaping into the back of his moving car during a chase in the Australian outback.

Police in the Northern Territory town of Katherine were stunned when they realized the 24-year-old driver had abandoned the controls and jumped onto the back seat with his three passengers in an apparent attempt to fool officers. The runaway car continued for 150 meters at 25mph before police on foot ran it down and applied the brakes.

Police said the driver panicked when they tried to pull him over for a random breath test.

Diet Stories

Floor Collapses During Weight Watchers’ Weigh-in

Just after Christmas 2009 19 members of Weight Watchers in Växjö, Sweden lined up for their weigh-in when they heard a bang as the floor came away from the walls of their meeting room.

“We suddenly heard a huge thud – we almost thought it was an earthquake and everything flew up in the air. The floor collapsed in one corner of the room and along the walls” one of those present told the Sm√•landsposten newspaper.

As the Weight Watchers abandoned the room other parts of the floor started to give way. Undaunted as no one was injured, the club member continued their weigh-in in the hallway.

Even Animals End Up on a Diet

Chubby and overweight animals in a South Korean zoo will be put on a diet after almost ten years of eating processed foods. Animals at the Seoul Grand Park Zoo have been eating more than the normal amount of food intake per day so the animal management has decided to increase the amount of their natural food intake and decrease the processed foods.

Park Seon-Deok, a member of the animal management team said, ‘Feeding the animals according to the 1998 guidelines made the animals overweight. Horses, for example, like processed food better than grass, which is what they would be eating in the wild.’

Funny Hotel Stories

Room Service – Tenjewberrymuds

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room service at a hotel in Asia. It was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

To get the full effect it should be read aloud. [You will understand what ‘tenjewberrymuds’ means by the end of the conversation.]

Room Service (RmSv): Morrin. Roon sirbees.
Guest: Sorry, I thought I dialed room service.

RmSv: Rye…Roon sirbees…morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen?
Guest: Uh..yes…I’d like some bacon and eggs.

RmSv: Ow July den?
Guest: What??

RmSv: Ow July den?…pryed, boyud, poochd?
Guest: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled, please.

RmSv: Ow July dee baykem? Crease?
Guest: Crisp will be fine.

RmSv: Hokay. An Sahn toes?
Guest: What?

RmSv: An toes. July Sahn toes?
Guest: I don’t think so.

RmSv: No? Judo wan sahn toes??
Guest: I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘judo wan sahn toes’ means.

RmSv: Toes! toes!… Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?
Guest: English muffin!! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘Toast.’ Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.

RmSv: We bodder?
Guest: No…just put the bodder on the side.

RmSv: Wad?
Guest: I mean butter… just put it on the side.

RmSv: Copy?

Guest: Excuse me?
RmSv: Copy…tea…meel?

Guest: Yes. Coffee, please, and that’s all.
RmSv: One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy…rye?

Guest: Whatever you say.
RmSv: Tenjewberrymuds.

Guest: You’re very welcome.

Mary Poppins – Room Service

Mary Poppins was making her way home, but the weather was getting worse so she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

‘Certainly madam,’ he replied politely.

And is the restaurant open still?’ asked Mary. ‘Sorry, no,’ was the answer, ‘but room service is available all night. Would you care to choose something from this menu?’

Mary smiled and took the menu and scanned it quickly. ‘Yes,’ Mary murmured, ‘I would like cauliflower cheese please.’ ‘Certainly, madam,’ the receptionist replied.

‘Also, I would like breakfast in bed?’ added Mary. The receptionist nodded and smiled.

‘In that case, I would like a couple of boiled eggs, please,’ Mary opined. She confirmed the order, signed the hotel register, and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same chap was still on duty.

‘Morning, madam. Sleep well?’ ‘Yes, thank you,’ Mary replied.

‘Food to your liking?’ ‘Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don’t think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though….they weren’t that nice at all,’ answered Mary honestly.

‘Oh…well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion,’ said the receptionist.

‘OK, I will…thanks.’ replied Mary. She then scribbled a comment into the book, and, waving goodbye she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

‘Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!’

Dogs are Welcome

Paul wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his holidays: ‘I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well-behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?’

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote: ‘Dear Paul, I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware, or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.’

Make Your Own Bed?

Denis went on holiday to Torremolinos, Spain, and stayed in a cheap hotel. The reason it was cheap was because he had to make his own bed. They gave him a hammer and nails to do just that!

Funny Italian Crime Stories

Each country has legal practices that seem strange to outsiders. Here are tales from Italy’s legal system.

Unusual Italian Regulations

Off to Italy this summer? Then do try to stay on the right side of the law. As Steven Spielberg has just discovered, even movie directors with 85-meter yachts and Gwyneth Paltrow in a bikini can blot their copybooks. Spielberg had to pay €172 (£150) after taking a speedboat too close to a beach at Porto Liscia in Sardinia. But there are many other ways to fall foul of the authorities:

In Eraclea, near Venice, it’s illegal to build sandcastles on the beach. They “obstruct the passage”, apparently.
In Lerici, on the Italian Riviera, you must wear more than just swimwear on your way to and from the seaside. Once back at your lodgings, you must not hang your towels out of the window to dry them.
The island of Capri also insists that holiday-makers dress modestly in the street. Quietly, as well: noisy shoes such as clogs or wooden-soled sandals will land you in trouble.
Castellammare di Stabia, south of Naples, has outlawed miniskirts, low-cut jeans, and too much cleavage. Offenders face a €300 fine. Also forbidden: swearing in public, lying on benches, climbing trees and
walking a dog on too long a leash.
In Lucca, in Tuscany, you must not feed pigeons in the town center. (Cesena, on the Adriatic coast, extends the ban to feral cats.)
In Eboli, you’d better check your wallet before kissing anyone in a car. The maximum fine for such a transgression is €500.
In Rome, it’s forbidden to eat in the street in the historic center.

Italian Jeans Genes – Two threads of Italian DNA were walking down the street. One says to the other do these genes make me look fat?

Court Verdicts that Shocked Italy

Remember, wherever you are in Italy, if you’re a man you must not grab your crotch ostentatiously, even for the time-honored purpose of warding off bad luck – such as visiting a country where almost everything is prohibited.

Earthquake Fault of Scientists

Six Italian scientists were found guilty of multiple manslaughter for underestimating the risks of a killer earthquake
in L’Aquila in 2009. Photograph: Filippo Monteforte/AFP/Getty Images.

On Monday, seven Italian seismologists were sentenced to six years in jail for manslaughter for not predicting an earthquake that hit the city of L’Aquila in 2009, killing 300 people. It’s not the first verdict that has caused jaws to drop there.

Other Bizarre Italian Court Decisions

It’s not just the seismologists who were jailed for not predicting an earthquake. This nation has a long history of bizarre legal decisions

Women wearing jeans cannot be raped

In February 1999 an appeal court overturned the rape conviction of a 45-year-old man after noting his 18-year-old victim had been wearing jeans. “It is common knowledge,” ruled the court, “that jeans cannot even be partly removed without the help of the person wearing them … and it is impossible if the victim is struggling with all her might.” [Will and Guy hope that modern Italian judges are more enlightened].

Judge orders father to pay 32-year-old daughter pocket money

Eight years into her degree in philosophy, Marina Casagrande, 32, was still living at home and took offense when her father tried to halt her €350-a-month allowance. So did a judge, who ordered her dad to keep up the payments and hand over €12,000 in arrears.

You cannot say “You don’t have the balls”

Italy’s highest court of appeal this summer decided it is a crime to tell someone “You don’t have the balls” after a lawyer sued his cousin for hurling the insult. In its ruling, the court said the insult implied a “lack of determination, competence, and consistency – virtues which, rightly or wrongly, continue to be regarded as suggestive of the male gender”.

Marriage annulled owing to husband being a mummy’s boy

Vatican judges are called upon to annul marriages by couples who do not want to divorce since they would not then be allowed to remarry in church. Annulments are supposed to be issued only in exceptional circumstances, but popes often rail against their judges for accepting the dodgiest motivations, including, in 2006, the fact that one husband was too attached to his mother.

The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper

A Joe Tomato, a mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Giuseppe, has cheated him out of $20,000,000

A strange thing, Giuseppe is deaf. That’s the main reason Joe hired him in the first place. Joe’s thinking was that as Giuseppe could hear nothing, so he would not have to testify against him in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Giuseppe about his missing $20 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

Joe tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Giuseppe, Where’s the money?

Giuseppe signs back, “Non capisco.” The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about”

The Godfather pulls out his ‘equalizer’, puts it to Giuseppe’s head, and says, “Ask him again, where he stashed the greenbacks, or I’ll shoot him!”

The lawyer signs to Giuseppe, “He’ll shoot you with that pistol if you don’t tell him.”

Giuseppe trembles and signs back, “OK! You win! The 20 grand is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the tree in my cousin Alphonso’s garden.

The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?” The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

Amusing Italian Courtroom Exchange

Signor presidente della corte (Judge)

Q: Poliziotto (Policeman), when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing
A: Si.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Si, signor.

Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Funny Library Stories

On a Jacksonville, Florida, bookstore: “Rare, out-of-print, and nonexistent books.”

Funny Library Stories – Record Fine

Reported in The Guardian on Thursday 9 February, 2006:

A public library book issued in 1945 has amassed an overdue fine of NZ $9,000 ie [£3,500; $ 6,101USD]

‘The Punch Library of Humour’ book was borrowed from the library in Rotorua, 288 miles north of the capital, Wellington, 61 years ago, but was recently found among family belongings in Marie Sushames’ attic. Ms Sushames was presented with the fine on her 85th birthday, Rotorua’s Daily Post newspaper reported yesterday. The library’s manager, Jane Gilbert, said she would be delighted to waive the charges in return for the privilege of displaying a book that had been ‘out for 61 years’.

Funny Things Found in Returned Books: by Librarian Jan Bild

The Guardian newspaper is to be thanked for bringing this article to our attention having interviewed former librarian, Jan Bild, in Worthing after a 30-year career working in libraries.

The following strange articles were found in the books returned to the
library:

A rasher of uncooked bacon [presumably a book mark]
A £10 note
A shoelace
One large feather
A bag of hashish in a hole gouged in the book’s center pages
A Pension book
Love letters to Edith
Vomit [sorry]
Photos
A page where every letter ‘O’ had been colored in
Excrement [sorry again]
Bank statements
Spaghetti

Library Book Returned: 99 Years Late

The book returned to the New Bedford Public Library in Massachusetts, USA, this week wasn’t overdue by a week, a month, or even a year. It was nearly a century overdue, and the fine came to $361.35.

“Facts I Ought to Know about the Government of My Country” was supposed to have been returned by May 10, 1910. Stanley Dudek told a local news reporter newspaper that he came across the book while going through things that had belonged to his mother, who had died some 10 years earlier. He decided that returning the book to the city was the right thing to do.

The overdue book fine was a penny a day in 1910. However, Mr Dudek wasn’t asked to pay it. The library plans to display the book in its special collection Will and Guy have discovered.

Washington’s Overdue Book Returned

A New York library has finally been recompensed for a library book that George Washington took out 221 years ago and never returned.

Earlier this year, it was revealed that the first US president had failed to bring back a copy of Emer de Vattel’s, “Law of Nations”, that he checked out from New York Society Library on October 5th, 1789.

Last month, head librarian Mark Bartlett joked that he was ‘not actively pursuing’ an overdue fine of $300,000 (£209,000), but wanted to receive a replacement copy.

Now Will and Guy have found that in a statement, the library said, ‘A few days after learning of the situation, staff at Washington’s home in Virginia, Mount Vernon, offered to replace Vattel’s “Law of Nations” with another copy of the same edition.’

New York Society Library held a special ceremony that saw the replacement volume taking its rightful place on the shelf.

Library that lets you take out people who are left on the shelf

Funny library story by David Rennie (Filed: 25/08/2005 – Daily Telegraph)

A public library in Holland has been swamped with queries after unveiling plans to ‘lend out’ living people, including homosexuals, drug addicts, asylum seekers, gypsies, and the physically handicapped.

The volunteers will be borrowed by users of the library, in Almelo, who can take them to a cafeteria, and ask them any questions they like for up to an hour, in a scheme designed to break down barriers and combat prejudice. The library’s director, Jan Krol, said yesterday he had been deluged with requests from prospective borrowers after his project was reported in the Dutch media.

Almelo, a prosperous town of 72,000 people in the Twente region of east Holland, is not known as a hotbed of Amsterdam-style liberalism. The people-lending scheme was conceived as a local project, designed to encourage the solid burghers of Almelo to make contact with members of ethnic minorities and other marginalized members of society but caught the imagination of the Dutch press.

‘It has caused a lot of interest, a lot of people have already called with questions like: do I need a library card?’
said Mr Krol. Borrowers of people will not need a card, he said, though one will remain necessary for more prosaic items, such as books. There will be no fines for returning people late, he added.’ Most meetings will last 45 minutes, we imagine. You can ask anything you like, but racist or strong language is not allowed. To avoid unpleasantness, all meetings must take place in the library café.’

Mr Krol, who said he was inspired by a similar scheme in Sweden, has already filled many of his volunteer slots, and hopes to launch the project next month. He said: ‘I’ve got several gay men, a couple of lesbian women, a couple of Islamic volunteers, I’ve got a physically handicapped woman, and a woman who has been living on social security benefits for many years in real poverty.’ Mr. Krol said he was especially keen to find members of Holland’s small Roma gypsy community after a recent attack on two gypsy families in the city of Enschede.

Under the scheme, photographs and short biographies of the volunteers will appear in the library, and on its website. Library users who wish to take a person out can apply for an appointment. Mr Krol said he had not cleared the scheme with his municipal bosses.’ Oh, I never ask the council before I do anything, ‘he said.’ And there are no costs at all, only two cups of coffee.’

By David Rennie in Brussels (Filed: 25/08/2005 – Daily Telegraph)

The Plot Thickens

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, ‘I have a complaint!’

‘Yes, Ma’am?’ said the librarian looking up at her. ‘I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible.’

Puzzled by her complaint the librarian asked, ‘What was wrong with it?’ ‘It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever,’ said the blonde.

The librarian nodded and said, ‘Ahhh. So you must be the person who took our ‘phone book.’

Footnote: Have you noticed how one story reminds you of another, well, here is another funny library story.

Circus Strongwoman – Can you help her?

Sylvia Brumbach, a circus strongwoman who rips up telephone directories as part of her act has launched an appeal for 500 ‘ phone books to ensure her show can go on. German-born Sylvia, also known as ‘The Woman of Steel’, says she is about to run out of books after destroying over 100 at Blackpool Tower Circus in Lancashire, UK.

‘I just brought 200 over from Germany … I’ve used over half of them already, ‘she told a reporter from the LA Times. Brumbach, who says she can tear a directory in half in around 30 seconds, has placed ads in local newspapers appealing for more books.’ You have to find the right point to rip, the book must not be too old and the spine must be tough, not wobbly’, she said. M/s Brumbach also is known to juggle with bowling balls and steel bars.

Circus Strongman?
(Not a library story, but follows on nicely)

Barney, the strongman, in the Circus Amsterdam, squeezed the juice from an orange between his hands.

Barney, then said to the audience, ‘I will offer £200 to anyone in the audience who can squeeze another drop from this orange.’

A thin, scholarly-looking woman came forward, picked up the orange, strained hard, and managed to get a drop of liquid.

Barney, the strongman, was stunned and he paid the woman and asked her, ‘What is the secret of your strength?’

‘Practice,’ the woman replied smiling. ‘I was the treasurer of the local church restoration fund for twenty-five years.’

Funny New Year Stories

A New Year’s Wish

On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck – the bartender was almost crushed to death.

Lecture Tour with A Difference

On New Year’s Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. ‘What are you doing out here at four o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.

‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Roger.

‘And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year’s Eve?’ enquired the constable sarcastically.

‘My wife,’ slurred Daniel grimly.

New Year’s Eve Party – Phantom Guest?

Trevor’s New Year’s Eve party was an annual occurrence with numerous guests arriving. During the evening, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to where the drinks were, in the kitchen. He sat there happily, chatting away, for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face. ‘You know,’ he confided to Trevor, ‘I wasn’t even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests’ cars are blocking my drive.’ He continued, ‘My wife’s been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved so that we can go out.’

New Year’s Day Party – That Never Was?

As in many homes on New Year’s Day, Janet and Nigel, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on television, or the lunch itself.

Hoping to keep the peace Nigel ate lunch with the rest of the family and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the television.

Some minutes later, Janet looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for Nigel. She smiled, kissed him on the cheek, and asked what the score was. Nigel told her it was halftime and that the score was still 0-0.

‘See?’ Janet said happily, ‘You didn’t miss a thing.’

A Bad Dream?

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, ‘I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?’

‘Aha, you’ll know tonight,’ answered Max smiling broadly.

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her a small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: ‘The Meaning of Dreams’.

Funny Passport Story

American in Paris

Harvey, an elderly American absentmindedly arrived at French immigration at Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris, and fumbled for his passport.

‘You have been to France before Monsieur?’ the official asked in an aggressive tone.

Harvey smiled and admitted that he had been to France before.

‘In that case, you should know enough to have your passport ready for inspection,’ barked the bad-tempered officer.

Harvey gently informed the man that the last time he came to France he did not have to show his passport or any other documents.

‘Pas possible, old man. You Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in ‘la belle France.’

Harvey gave the Frenchman a long hard look. ‘I assure you, young man, that when I came ashore on Omaha Beach in Normandy on D-Day

in 1944, there was no damned Frenchman on the beach asking for passports.’

Batman Flies In

The hilarious, short conversation allegedly held between a US Immigration Officer at Miami International Airport and an incoming passenger:

Immigration Officer: Your name, please?
Passenger: Batman.

Immigration Officer: What’s your real name?
Passenger: My name is Bat-man.

Immigration Officer: Are you trying to be funny? What’s your surname?
Passenger: Superman.

Immigration Officer: So you’re telling me your name is Batman Superman?

Passenger: Yes.

Immigration Officer [calling over to Passport Security]: Hey Bud, arrest this guy………….

[See below for the passenger’s ID card: ]

Footnote: Suparman. is a common name in the Eastern side of the Island of Java. However, there is no ready explanation of why his parents called him Batman.

This Is Allegedly a True Story

The name of a two-year-old boy was listed on the country’s list of wanted suspects. He was briefly banned from getting on a plane bound for Turkey. The details on the toddler’s passport had been the same as those in an arrest warrant, even the date of birth.

‘While going through the passport checking procedures to get on board, one of the officers on duty said they wanted to take Suhail,’ Emirates Today quoted the boy’s father, Abdullah Mohamed Saleh, as saying. ‘I thought he was kidding me and said ‘Take him if you want’. He showed me a print-out of a document that said Suhail was wanted and there was an arrest warrant for him.’

Officials said they would investigate the cause of the mix-up.

The Gates Are About to Close By Charlene Wexler

I pace back and forth, sure that the gates will close and we will miss our plane. As the other passengers board, I am nervously waiting for my sister to come back with her cup of Starbucks.

Of course, we don’t miss the plane. As usual, she manages to make it just before the doors close. She smiles at me. “Oh, they’re boarding already,” she comments. I don’t have to answer because the flight attendant announces, “The gates are about to close” as we scramble onto the plane.

After we settled comfortably in our seats, she turned to me and said, “You and Dad would be the first ones in line at the concentration camps.”

She hit the nail on the head; our personality differences go way back. I am like my father — always early, doing everything yesterday; and she is like my mother — always late, doing everything tomorrow. Both are equally annoying habits.

We arrive at the Detroit Airport, Gate Number 10, and scurry down the concourse to Gate Number 59. I’m in a panic; we have only 40 minutes before our connecting plane takes off. Somewhere around Gate 40, she decides we have time to stop for lunch. I’m nervously tapping my fingers while we wait for the lunch to arrive.

When our sandwiches finally get to the table I pay the bill and make my sister leave with a sandwich in hand. “What a dumb idea to stop for lunch,” I say to her. “We have only ten minutes before the flight boards.”

I run her down the concourse to Gate Number 59, anticipating a closed gate. Of course, I’m wrong. The plane is not even there yet. A 20-minute delay is posted. She gives me a dirty look as she walks off to get another cup of coffee. I just slink into a chair and wait.

We make it on the plane and to our destination with only one other mishap. She almost left her suitcase at the airport. But as usual, everything worked out for her. It always does, although I don’t know why.

To her credit, she is a very efficient designer working two jobs, while I am retired, with less pressure. On the other hand, she has set a pattern whereby everyone expects her to be late and would be shocked if she wasn’t. And her last-minute-itis has been passed down to the next generation. I’ve heard her son say, “Mom, we have ten minutes. Do you want to go see a movie?”

I guess it goes back to when she was a three-year-old stage performer singing, “I’m a slow poke now.”

I guess nobody told her that it wasn’t supposed to be a lifetime project!

The Irish Police Force (Garda and Gardaì)

This is more of a driving license than a passport story.

To be sure, your man Prawo Jazdy is a slippery fellow. He’s wanted for 50 different driving offences all over Ireland. Now, Prawo is clever because every time we book him, his driving license has a different address. All the Gardaì in Ireland have a different theory about how this ‘Scarlet Pimpernel’ escapes the clutches of the law. Finally, the penny dropped, Prawo Jardy is not a Hungarian name, but the Polish word for Driving Licence.

The Garda had caught 53 different Polish drivers, but thought they were dealing with the same man. Naturally, the Polish community in Ireland is having a good laugh about Mr Prawo Jazdy.

*Garda is the Irish Police force, it also means one policeman. GardaĆ¬ is the plural.

Funny Short Stories

Variety truly is the spice of life. When it comes to a story, we have a tale for each social occasion and every mood. Many of these funny short stories are true – with embellishments. Others have only a grain of truth, whilst the remainder are just tall stories.

Funny Tale of a Lost Senior Citizen

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong.

He told me, ‘I have a 22-year-old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit, and freshly ground coffee.’

I continued, ‘Well, then why are you crying?’

He added, ‘She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite biscuits, cleans the house, and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.’

I said, ‘Well, why are you crying?’

He said, ‘For dinner, she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then we cuddle until the small hours.’

I inquired, ‘Well then, why in the world would you be crying?’

He replied, ‘I can’t remember where I live.’

The Silly, Hilarious, and Funny Side of DIY [Do It Yourself]

Rosie Hall buys a self-assembly, flat-pack, cupboard from her local Homebase store. Reaching home Rosie reads the instructions carefully, counts the pieces then assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks great and she is delighted.

Now, Rosie lives near a railway line, and as the train passes by the cupboard collapses. Undaunted by this misfortune she re-reads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard. Once more, another train passes and the whole cupboard collapses again.

Rosie now frustrated and thinking that she must have done something “wrong” re-re-reads the instructions and re-assembles the cupboard. Shortly, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses yet again for the 3rd time.

Rosie is now fed up, cross, and rather angry so she ‘phones the customer service department. She is told that this is quite impossible and that they’ll send along a fitter to take a look.

The fitter arrives and assembles the cupboard. Again, a train passes and the cupboard collapses. Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the fitter decides to reassemble the cupboard and sit inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse. At this point, Rosie’s husband comes home, sees the cupboard, and says, ‘Oh, that’s a splendid-looking cupboard,’ and he opens it to look inside.

The fitter, who had been wondering how to explain his position in Rosie’s bedroom cupboard, blurts out, ‘You probably won’t believe me, but I’m standing here waiting for a train.’

An Irishman’s Jocular Tale

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman all entered a 26-mile-long swimming race. After 12 miles the Scottish man gets tired and drops out.

Then after 16 miles the English man gets tired and drops out. After 25 miles the Irish man decides he can’t finish the race, so he turns around and swims back to the start.

Fun At The Movies

Last week Ronnie Walsh went to the movies at the Rialto Cinema in Bristol to see “Slumdog Millionaire” but because of two women loudly chatting together who were sitting in the row in front of him, Ronnie was unable to hear the dialogue clearly.

Ronnie leaned forward and said in a stage whisper, ‘Excuse me ladies but I can’t hear.’ ‘I should hope not,’ stormed the woman, ‘this is a private conversation.’

Amusing Married Men Only Story

Will and Guy have no information as to the veracity of this funny tale from the USA.

Apparently, in a small town somewhere in the USA, there is a large factory that will only recruit married men. One of the local women, Brenda Davy, a feisty young lady, was angry about this and demanded to speak to the manager to find out why.

Brenda demanded to know, ‘Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous…….or what?’

‘Not at all, Ma’am,’ the Factory Manager replied. ‘It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut, and don’t pout when I yell at them.’

Short Stories

If you don’t see the topic that you are interested in try our ‘Search’ box because we have a large selection of amusing yarns, tall tales, and strange but true stories.

A Funny True Story

Police Officer Bryant found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists.

One day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so Bryant investigated and found the problem. 10-year-old Dennis was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand-painted sign that said “Radar Trap Ahead.” A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy’s accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading “Tips” and a bucket at his feet, full of change.

Here are Examples of Our Funny Short Stories

Our mission is to amuse you with our funny really short stories. While we aim to surprise you, we never want to offend or shock you. Please note that the ABOVE links connect to other pages, while below are samples of our short stories.

Easy to Swallow?

My sister, Paula, and her husband, Chris, had just finished tucking their young ones into bed one evening when they heard crying coming from the children’s room. Rushing in, they found Tommy crying hysterically.

He had accidentally swallowed a 5p piece and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind. Trying to calm him, Chris palmed a 5p coin that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to remove it from Tommy’s ear. Tommy, naturally, was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father’s hand, swallowed it, and demanded cheerfully – ‘Do it again, Dad!’

Heard This One Before?

A man boasts to a friend about his new hearing aid, ‘It’s the most expensive one I’ve ever had, it cost me USD$3,500.’ [£1800]

His friend asks, ‘What kind is it?’

The braggart says, ‘Half-past four.’

Fake Pigeon Story

Will and Guy bring you the story behind the pigeon story. Zhang Liang, apologized for his ‘bad behavior’ when he forged a picture of pigeons receiving bird flu vaccine shots from medical workers.

Amazingly this picture won first prize in the 2005 China International Press Photo Contest. ‘I would like to apologize to the public,’ said Liang, who was dismissed from Harbin Daily.

He copied the pigeon in the top right corner of his photo and pasted it in the top left corner.

‘I did it to make the photo perfect,’ Zhang was quoted as saying. ‘It was the first time for me to perfect pictures with computer technology and I did it only once.’

Will’s Experience at Gatwick

After his return from Rome, Will couldn’t find his luggage in the London Gatwick airport baggage area. So he went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags hadn’t shown up on the carousel. She smiled and told him not to worry because they were trained professionals and he was in good hands.

‘Now’, she asked Will, ‘has your plane arrived yet?’

Aircrew of the Month

This next yarn reminds me of my former classmate Pete. At school, Pete was always in the top 2/3 in our class, but once he left school, he never could settle for a job. He landed a job as a bus driver, but his denouement came when he took a detour and drove the bus to his home. Pete got out, went in, left the passengers on the bus, had a cup of tea, and drove on half an hour later. When the bus company discovered his antics, his supervisor dismissed him on the spot. The Airline flight attendant in this next tale is going the same way as Pete.

From a Stingem employee….’ Welcome aboard Stingem Flight XXX to YYY.’
We are pleased to have some of the best pilots in the industry… Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight…!’

Then he progressed to the famous ‘ Fasten Seatbelt Routine’. What he said was: ‘To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.’

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love the more.

After the plane landed, he said: ‘As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants’

His final announcement was: ‘Thank you for flying Stingem Airlines. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.’

Scotsman, Irishman, and Englishman Story

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year’s supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone.

The Scotsman asks for a year’s supply of whisky; it’s given to him and he’s locked away.
The Irishman asks for a year’s supply of Guinness so he’s locked up with several thousand bottles of it.
The Englishman asks for a year’s supply of cigarettes and he’s given a pile of cartons and the cell door is shut on him.

One year later, their doors are all unlocked.

The Scotsman staggers out and shouts, ‘I’m free!’ and then keels over dead from alcohol poisoning.
The Irishman is dragged out into the light, whereupon he promptly dies of liver failure.
When the door to the Englishman’s cell is opened, everybody watches eagerly
to see what sort of a wreck the man has made of himself. To their surprise, he walks right out the door, sidles up to the first person he sees, and asks, ‘I say you wouldn’t happen to have a match, would you?’

Texas Halloween Investigation

There was a murder in Texas at Halloween, and the FBI was called in to investigate. Hitchcock, one of the officers, saw something written in blood on the wall. It looked like the number ‘7734’, but he was not sure; anyway, he took lots of pictures.

When Hitchcock got back to the lab he developed the film of the crime scene, but he still could not make any progress with the number. In the hope of inspiration, he took the sheaf of photographs home and spread them on the dining room table. Just at that moment his 7-year-old daughter Emma came in through the patio door opposite and looked down at the photographs.

‘Why have you photographed hell?’, she asked, then Hitchcock saw that when held upside down, 7734 spelled: ‘hELL’. [Kindly corrected by Matt Seibert.]

Funny Short Stories for Women

Here are yarns where women come out, if not on top, then at least even.

Reverse Psychology?

Iris, my sister-in-law, is a long-distance lorry driver. She decided to get a dog for protection for the long days and nights that she was away from home. As she studied a likely candidate, the breeder told her, ‘I must warn you that he doesn’t like men.’

‘Perfect’, Iris thought and promptly bought the dog.

Sometime later as she was leaving a transport café, two men approached her, in the car park, and Iris watched to see how her new ‘bodyguard’ would react. It soon became clear that the breeder hadn’t been joking, because as the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car and hid.

The Amusing and Thought-Provoking Story of Sand and Stone

This story tells of two friends, Amanda and Margot, who were walking together on the edge of the Sahara the desert in North Africa.

At some point in the journey, they argued, and Margot slapped the other one in the face. Mandy, who got slapped, was hurt, but without saying anything, she wrote in the sand, ‘Today my best friend, Margot, slapped me in the face.’

They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. Mandy who had been slapped, got stuck in the mire and started drowning, and naturally, her friend, Margot, saved her by pulling her out of the quicksand. After she recovered from the near drowning, Mandy wrote on a stone, ‘Today, my best friend Margot saved my life.’

Margot who had slapped and saved her best friend, asked Mandy, ‘After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand, and now, you write on a stone, why?’

Mandy replied with a knowing smile, ‘When someone hurts us, we should write it down in sand, where the winds of forgiveness can erase it, but when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone, so no wind can ever erase it.’

Learn to write your hurts in the sand and carve your blessings in stone.

More Short Tales Where Women Come Out On Top

There’s No Fury Like a Woman Scorned!

On the first day, Margo packed all her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, Margo sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten anchovies dipped in caviar down the curtain rods.

When Margo’s husband Ralph returned with his new girlfriend Tracey, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end, they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting…..Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, Ralph and Tracey could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. Then Margo called Ralph and asked how things were going and he told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, Ralph agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later Ralph and Tracey stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home – including the curtain rods!

Virginia Woolf Impersonates Emperor of Abyssinia

On February 10, 1910, six friends [including the young Virginia Woolf – English novelist] boarded H.M.S. Dreadnought disguised as the Emperor of Abyssinia, his Abyssinian cohorts, and an interpreter.

The British Navy came out in full colors to receive their distinguished guests, who were dressed in costumes, with dyed skin and hair and speaking a language they were inventing as they went.

Virginia Woolf (circled), Duncan Grant, Horace Cole, Anthony Buxton (seated), Adrian Stephen, Guy Ridley

Another Short Story for Women

Mail / Male Order?

Two Irish men, Kearney and O’Riordan were looking at a Mail order catalog and admiring the models. Kearney remarks to O’Riordan, ‘Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?’

O’Riordan replies, ‘Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price.’

Kearney says, with wide eyes, ‘Wow, they aren’t very expensive. At this price, I’m buying one.’

O’Riordan smiles and pats him on the back. ‘Good idea. Order one and if she’s as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.’

Three weeks later, Kearney, the youngest of the two asks his friend, O’Rordan, ‘Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from that catalog?’

O’Riordan replies with a glint in his eye, ‘No, but it shouldn’t be long now. She sent all her clothes yesterday.’

Short Stories For Women

If you don’t see a topic on this page please try our ‘Search’ box because we have a large selection of amusing yarns, tall tales, and short stories about women in our other sections.

Don’t Mess with the Elderly

Doris Mason, a little old lady living in Cheltenham, England, answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

‘Good morning, Ma’am,’ said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in vacuum cleaners.’

‘Go away!’ said Doris brusquely. ‘I’m broke and haven’t got any money for new-fangled contraptions,’ and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ‘Don’t be too hasty,’ he commanded. ‘Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.’ And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure
onto her dining room carpet.

‘Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.’

Doris stepped back and said with a smile, ‘Well let me get you a spoon, young man because Southern Electric cut off my power this morning.’

A Funny Shaggy Dog Tale from the Atlanta Daily

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old golden Labrador retriever dog.

Men are so easy…

Warning – Women’s Body Parts Move

[Open letter from Ms Peggy Legg]

This is an explanation to those friends and family who have experienced mysterious switches in their body parts. This effect is especially noticeable in January.

You may have read of the scare story about the man whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban myth, my story is true – it occurs to me practically every day.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else’s thighs.

The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next.

I know it was the same gang because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier.

Now, my rear end complimented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched.

One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush.

This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to reap, unnoticed, something like maturity.

No, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next? My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled.

That’s why I decided to tell my story. I can’t take on the medical profession by myself.

Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn’t plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don’t you?

The next time you suspect someone has had a face ‘lifted’, look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs…and I hope Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS.

Yours alarmed

Peggy Legg

Gone Fishing

‘Why do you want me to throw them at you?’ Asked the salesman?’

So that I am able to tell my wife, in all honesty, that I caught them’, said Alex.

‘Okay, but I suggest that you take the salmon.’ Why’s that?
‘Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take salmon. That’s what she’d like for supper tonight, replied the fishmonger with a grin.

Another Short Story Women Can Relate to Their Cooking Experience

Here is an original story from my favorite living author.

Battleground: Leftovers By Charlene Wexler

“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.” – Calvin Trillin

In a restaurant, if I turned to talk with the friends we were dining with or went to the ladies’ room, my plate of food would disappear.

No, it wasn’t that the waiters were so efficient. It was my husband, Sam, who was packing up our half-eaten orders to make sure we had leftovers at home.

Sam came from a family in which plates were cleaned and no food was ever thrown out. I came from a family in which it was good manners to leave something on your plate, and leftovers were sometimes eaten the next day, but just as often thrown out. Our differences concerning leftovers were not as troubling when there were two growing boys and a dog in the family. But now that we are retired empty nesters, leftovers have become a battleground.

I could be happy that Sam’s attitude minimizes my need to cook. If I make a meal from scratch one day a week and we eat out two, Sam can stretch the leftovers to cover our meals for the rest of the week, or even more. Although I may be required to make the leftover chicken into a pot pie, the leftover beef into chop suey, or the bread that is about to turn green into French toast.

I can handle converting leftovers into another meal, but I can’t handle watching them turn moldy. I’ve tried to tell Sam that the cat ate the food, but that line doesn’t work the way it did when we had dogs. That darn cat won’t touch any people’s food but tuna, and Sam knows it.

Many mornings are spent with Sam asking, “Did you throw out my …?” Usually, I actually didn’t. It is just that the refrigerator is so packed with styrofoam or aluminum foil containers that he can’t find what he is looking for. Then, once every two weeks, I brace myself for a fight and clean out the refrigerator in anticipation of new leftovers.

There must be a leftover gene. On the day of my marriage, my mother-in-law was busy packing wedding food into her shopping bag; the refrigerator at my son Mike’s house was full of styrofoam and aluminum foil containers.

“After 45 years I guess I can’t change Sam,” I said to myself recently as I munched on a week-old chocolate cake.

I don’t consider chocolate in the leftover category.

Funny Short Storys

50 Dollars is 50 Dollars

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, ‘Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter. ‘Esther always replied, ‘I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.’

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, ‘Esther I’m 85 years old. if I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.’ Esther replied, ‘Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.’
The pilot overheard the couple and said, ‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride; if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won’t charge you! but if you say one word, it’s 50 dollars.’

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. the pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. he did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, ‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!’

Morris replied, ‘Well I almost said something when Esther fell out, but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!’

[Kindly sent in by John Franklin].

The American and the Welsh Farmers (Adaptable Short Story)

An American farmer was on holiday in Wales. He could not resist exploring the hill farms north of Aberystwyth. At lunch time he dropped into a pub and fell into easy conversation with a Welsh farmer.

‘How big is your spread?’, asked the American. ‘Well look you, it’s about 20 acres he said’. Only 20 acres the American responded, back in Texas I can get up at sunrise, saddle my horse, and ride all day, when I return at supper time, I’ll be lucky to cover half my farm’. ‘Dew dew’, said the Welshman, ‘I once had a horse like that, but sent him to the knacker’s yard.’

Grandfather in the Ark? (Classic funny short story)

My sister’s eldest boy liked nothing better than to sit on his grandfather’s knee and have stories read to him. One day after a story about Noah’s ark, and how Noah led pairs of animals to the safety of the ark.

The little boy asked, ‘Granddad, you are very old, were you in Noah’s ark?’
Gosh no’, said Granddad.’ In that case, how come you didn’t drown when the flood came?’

Noah – Alive and Living in England

In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England, and said, ‘Once again, the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.’ He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, ‘You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.’

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard – but no Ark. ‘Noah!’ He roared, ‘I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?’

‘Forgive me, Lord,’ begged Noah, ‘but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I’ve been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I should have obtained planning permission to build the Ark in my garden because it is a development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.

We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest that was set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and that it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency, and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I’m supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.’

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, ‘You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?’ ‘No,’ said the Lord. ‘The British government beat me to
it.’

Easy to Swallow?

People do the Strangest Things

Man Hangs by Feet in Two-Hour Protest

A man suspended himself upside down in Trafalgar Square to protest against the rising cost of living yesterday. Herbert Crossman, 60, from Harrow, hung upside down from a crane for two hours in central London, attached by the ankles with a bungee rope.

Will and Guy heard that he did not prepare for his suspension, but Herbert did have a medical check to make sure he had good blood pressure and circulation. We have learned that he was protesting against what he described as the ‘take, take, take attitude’ of the British Government.

He said he demonstrated how the British public is ‘hemorrhaging money’ by lining up three tubs beneath him to catch money as it fell from his pockets: one tub for the Government, one for utility bills, and one in red for his income.

Mr. Crossman then added, ‘Everything is going up – gas, electricity, the congestion charge, parking, petrol – everything. It’s our money the Government is spending and wasting, not their fat-cat salaries. If I was doing what they are in my business I’d be out of work by now.’

Funny Snowman Stories

Will and Guy have collected these amusing stories of snowmen and snowwomen.

Saga of Bus Mowing Down Snowman

A HAPLESS bus driver in the US has resigned after his bus was videoed colliding with a 1.2-metre snowman standing in the road.

The hit-and-run was captured on the University of Illinois campus and posted on YouTube on Dec 4, along with the title “Insane Bus Driver Brutally Murders Snowman.”

In the video clip, a car carefully swerves the snow-clad obstacle on the icy road, whereas the public transit bus veers onto the wrong side of the road and annihilates the unwanted object. The video has been watched more than 66,000 times since its release, and the number of hits is likely to rise.

According to Champaign-Urbana Mass Transit District spokeswoman Jan Kijowski, it is highly likely that the driver quit after his deed became known.

After the video had been posted and spread on the website, it stirred a controversy over who was responsible — the bus driver or the person who deliberately made a snowman on the road.

The driver said he had seen two cars almost crash trying to avoid the icy impediment, and decided to get rid of it. Amid the hot debate, more than 800 Facebook users insisted that the bus driver be restored to his former position.

The Korea Herald/Asia News Network

HARVEY -Snowman Story

No one likes shoveling snow, but at one Marquette County motel, they’ve found a way to make it fun for everyone.

At the Marquette Motor Lodge in Harvey, residents have pitched in to create a giant snowman out of the snow from the motel’s parking lot.

The snowman stands around 25 feet tall and is drawing a lot of attention.

“We’ve had people that look like travelers, out of state plates, doing laps around, taking pictures and stuff,” said Michael Guenther, a snowman builder. “We’re hoping that the kids will really enjoy it, that’s the big thing. Maybe the kids will come out and check it out, you know, a little holiday drive, and that would be great.”

It took several weeks to build and should be completed Wednesday complete with eyes that light up. Those creating this monster plan on making an even bigger snowman next year.

Woman Dials 999 (Would be 901 in the USA) To Report Snowman Theft

A woman who dialed 999 to report the theft of a snowman from outside her home has been branded “completely irresponsible” by Kent Police.

The force said the woman, from Chatham, thought the incident required their involvement because she used pound coins for eyes and teaspoons for arms.

The force said the call was made at the same time as operators fielded thousands of other phone calls about the heavy snowfall and sub-zero temperatures in the county.

During the conversation, she said: “There’s been a theft from outside my house. “I haven’t been out to check on him for five hours but I went outside for a cig and he’s gone.”

When she was asked who had gone, the woman replied: “My snowman. I thought that with it being icy and there not being anybody about, he’d be safe.”

She was then asked whether it was an ornament and answered: “No, a snowman made of snow, I made him myself. It ain’t a nice road but at the end of the day, you don’t expect someone to nick your snowman, you know what I mean?”

The operator then told her she had rung an emergency line and she should not be calling it to report the theft of a snowman.

Chief Inspector Simon Black Kent Police said: “This call could have cost someone’s life if there was a genuine emergency and they couldn’t get through. It was completely irresponsible. We have spoken to her and advised her what is a 999 call, and this clearly was not.”

One of Big Frank’s Funny Stories

Big Frank was having his hair styled at the hairdresser’s when a lorry smashed into a car, outside. Draped in a cape, his hair divided with aluminum clips, Frank, an ex-paratrooper corporal raced out to the car and found the driver unhurt.

The lorry driver, however, was slumped over the wheel, unconscious. Big Frank lost no time in applying his army-acquired CPR techniques, including mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. The lorry driver recovered consciousness several times but kept passing out again.

Soon the ambulance arrived with the paramedics and took over, and Frank returned to his barber’s seat. ‘I just don’t understand why he kept passing out, ‘he said to the hairdresser. ‘I did everything they taught me.’

‘Well, put yourself in the lorry driver’s place, ‘said the hairdresser. ‘He’s driving down the street without a care in the world. The next thing he knows, he’s waking up to see some big guy in a green cape with a head full of wires pounding on his chest and kissing him. You’d pass out too

Flying in the ‘Old Days’

In the early 1930’s, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

‘$10 for 3 minutes,’ replied the pilot. ‘That’s too much,’ said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, ‘I’ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you’ll have to pay $10.’

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, ‘I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.’

‘Maybe so,’ said the farmer, ‘But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.’

Funny stories about cars

Cars are a great source of stories and jokes. Sit back and enjoy this tale.

1. Funny Story About Painting

One day, Jimmy knocks on the door of a home in an upper-class neighborhood. The lady of the house answers. ‘Pardon me Ma’am’, Jimmy says, ‘I’m out of work and looking for any odd jobs that people need done. I’m very handy with everything from repairs to yard work, to painting…’

‘Painting?’ the woman jumped in.

‘Oh, yes, Ma’ am! I’m a very careful painter’, Jimmy replied, his face brightening at the realization that she could provide him with some work.

‘I’ll tell you what. My husband just bought some green paint last week to paint the porch out back, but we haven’t had any time. If you can do a good job, then you can paint it before he gets home and surprise him.

‘Now, do a particularly good job and paint the trimmings white as well, and I’ll pay you an extra bonus.’

‘Oh yes, Ma’am, I’ll do an excellent job!’ She then told Jimmy where to find the paints around back in the garage.

A few hours later, Jimmy returns to the door. ‘That was quick, did you do a good job?’ the woman inquires.

‘Oh yes Ma’am, two coats! But there’s something you should know, Jimmy says.

‘That car is not a Porsche, it’s a Ferrari!’

2. Motorway Problem

As Retired Lieutenant Commander Andrew Craig was driving his old car down the motorway, his mobile phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, ‘Andrew, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on the M275. Please be careful!’

‘Botheration’, said Andrew, ‘It’s not just one car. Its hundreds of them!’

Funny Teacher stories

Martha and the Whale

A little girl called Martha was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

Martha stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’.

The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’

Martha replied, ‘Then you ask him’.

Know Your Apples – Out of the Mouth of Babes

Here is the scene: The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Church elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and put it on the apple tray…

‘Take only ONE. God is watching.’

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’

God Knows?

A nursery school teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.

As she got to little Sarah who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. Sarah replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’

The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’

Sarah replied, ‘They will in a minute’

Funny Train Stories

Passenger Complaint – Funny Train Story

The following is allegedly an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company [Larnrod Eireann]. Kindly sent in by John Morris

Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly,

Patrick Finnegan

Reply from Larnrod Eireann Railways

Dear Mr. Finnegan,

We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused about your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely,

Larnrod Eireann.

Last word from Mr Finnegan

Gentlemen,

I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!

Yours truly,

Patrick Finnegan

All Tickets Please! – Classic Funny Train Story

It’s the third week in January, and three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference in Brighton. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

‘How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?’ asks an accountant. ‘Watch and you’ll see’, answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around to collect tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, ‘All tickets please.’

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.

‘How are you going to travel without a ticket?’ says one perplexed accountant.’ Watch and you’ll see, ‘answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a toilet and the three engineers cram into another one
nearby.

The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, ‘All tickets please.’

Mad or What?

A 17-year-old boy surnamed Liang almost died when he tried to use a kung fu movement to stop a train at Laibin Railway Station in South China’s Guangxi Zhuang Autonomous Region on Tuesday reports China Daily.

Liang was pushed to safety by a railway policeman just as he was about to be knocked down. Liang jumped down to the tracks and wanted to use Xianglongshibazhang, a famous kung fu posture described in many swordsman fictions, to stop the running train.

He was taken into custody for breaking railway rules and said he wanted to test whether or not he could use kung fu to stop the train. Liang is a great fan of swordsman fiction and has also learned martial arts.

Train Stories – Facts are often stranger than fiction

Here is a train report from Indonesia

Security officers from Jakarta will spray commuters riding on the roofs of trains with a brightly colored liquid so that they can be identified and arrested.

Trains linking Jakarta and its neighboring towns are packed with passengers during the rush hour. As a result, youngsters sit on the roofs to avoid paying.

For travelers staying in

Jakarta hotels it is important to remember that just because they do it doesn’t mean it’s okay. After several attempts to discourage roof riders, the state-owned railway company PT Kereta Api will spray them with a colored liquid so that officers can identify them when they get off the train, the Jakarta Post said.

‘We will confiscate their IDs and give them a ticket,’ Kereta Api regional spokesman Akhmad Sujadi was quoted as saying.

‘We will send a copy of the ticket to their family, their local neighborhood unit head, their employer, or, if they’re students, their headmasters,’ added Sujadi, who described the move as ‘unique’.

Although illegal, roof riding is popular because of a lack of efficient and affordable means of transport for commuters in the greater Jakarta area. Unfortunately, 55 roof riders have been killed in the past two years.

Graveyard Stories

It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and then blame it on the cost of living.

Scary Graveyard Story: Whispers in the Cemetery

When I was a boy, my Uncle John told me a tale about a trick that he played in a cemetery. One night my uncle spotted his friend Eddie wending his way home from the pub. As he watched, Eddie took the shortcut through the cemetery, rather than the longer way via the round ring.

There was no doubt that Eddie was the worse for wear, and appeared disoriented. Then he cried out to nobody in particular, ‘Where am I’. John whispered from the graveyard, ‘Amongst the living’.

‘Where are you’, cried Eddie. To which John replied in his most sepulchral voice, ‘Amongst the dead’.

Eddie sobered up instantly, and would never again take the shortcut through the churchyard after dark.

Graveyard Story – Parking Meter Epitaph

Will and Guy think that this parking meter epitaph sums up this page. Graveyard humor needs to be handled carefully, with style, and with dignity; people’s feelings must be considered, in this case, the parking meter is what the deceased asked for.

This is the site of an actual grave in Okemah, Oklahoma, USA. The deceased had an active sense of humor when alive and had wanted a parking meter on the site of her burial. Her daughter supplied the parking meter with a ‘Time Expired’ notice – see inset below.

On the memorial stone is written: Her Humor Lives On.

What’s in a Name?

A hairdressing salon opened next to the local graveyard. It was named, rather distastefully, “Curl Up and Dye.”

Pillsbury Doughboy’s Obituary

Please join Will and Guy in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 73. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects at his funeral, including Mrs Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. Captain Crunch sent his apologies. The gravesite was piled high with flour.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy in the graveyard and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who did not realize how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very ‘smart’ cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, even as a crusty old man, was considered a role model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Playa Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they have one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 2:50 for about 20 minutes.

The obituary was kindly sent in by Johnny.

Funny Graveyard Story

Albert Hammond was visiting the cemetery near Hamble in England and he couldn’t help noticing a man kneeling in front of a gravestone, clasping his hands and sobbing. Albert went a bit closer and could hear what the man was saying. ‘Why did you have to die?’ he was repeating, ‘Why did you have to die?’

Feeling he ought to do something to alleviate the man’s obvious distress Albert laid his hand on his shoulder saying gently, ‘Was it someone you loved very much?’

The man looked up at him and said, ‘No, I never met him, he was my wife’s first husband.’

Gravedigger Falls into Hole

As Will and Guy often say to each other, ‘You just couldn’t make it up.’ Our latest tale of humor is in that genre and is about a gravedigger who, having dug the grave, then fell into it and had to be rescued by firefighters.

Stefan Faerber, 55, from Deutschlandsberg, Austria had to be rescued by firefighters when he stood back to admire his handiwork and fell straight down the six-foot deep hole he’d just dug. Luckily he managed to dial 999 from the bottom of the grave despite an injured back and fractured skull.

A police spokesman confirmed to us that, ‘It was his last job of the day so he’s lucky he had his phone with him to call for help – or he might have spent a very uncomfortable night next to some of his previous customers.’

A Funny Story of a Funeral Wake

Everyone was dismayed that Peter had died. A popular man, he had left Moira, his wife, strict instructions in his will for his wake to be a jolly and happy affair: a celebration of his life. To this end, Peter had left $50,000 in his will for the party.

As the guests caught their taxis at the end of the wake, Moira was asked by her close friend, Alice, if she thought that Peter would have been pleased. ‘Well, I’m sure Peter would have been delighted,’ Moira murmured.

‘I’m sure you’re right,’ replied her friend, Alice, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. ‘How much did all this really cost?’

‘All of it,’ opined Moira, ‘every penny of twenty-five thousand pounds.’

‘What!’ exclaimed Alice in a higher than normal voice, ‘I mean, it was very nice, but £25,000?’

Moira took a deep breath and answered, ‘Look, Alice, let me explain: the funeral cost £4,500. I donated £500 to the church. The wake, food, and drinks were another £2,500. The rest went on the memorial stone.’

Alice worked out the arithmetic in her head, ‘Eh?’ she exploded for a second time, ‘£17,500 for a memorial stone? My goodness, how big is it?’

Moira shows Alice her ring finger, ‘Oh about 30 carats,’ she smiled.

Funny and Deathly Short Story

From our research it seems that the odds of any two people having identical fingerprints are enormous: in fact, Will and Guy have discovered, probably close to 1 in 64 million.

This grave story therefore is very interesting.

In June 2002, a corpse turned up near Las Vegas, Nevada, USA. A fingerprint taken from the body matched one from Kathleen Hatfield of Sonoma County, California.

Her family and the next of kin were duly informed that their loved one was dead. The family went ahead with the funeral arrangement and her grave in the local cemetery was dug.

However, before the body could be laid to rest in the prepared grave, Kathleen Hatfield turned up alive and well. Kathleen Hatfield had been living on the streets of Santa Rosa five weeks after Las Vegas police identified her as the victim of an apparent homicide.

Hatfield’s mother was a day away from burying an urn containing what she believed were the ashes of her 46-year-old daughter when she was told it was all a mistake; a veritable shocking experience for the whole family.

A Funny Cemetery Tale

One morning, Mary Roberts, a door-to-door saleswoman, selling particular household products knocked on Allan’s door and asked to see his wife. Allan, a quiet man of few words, responded succinctly that his wife wasn’t home.

‘Well,’ continued Mary Roberts, ‘could I please wait for her then?’ Allan showed her into the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours. The saleswoman began to feel a little worried so she called out to Allan and asked, ‘May I know where your wife is?’

‘She went to the cemetery,’ he replied. ‘And when is she coming home?’ queried Mary Roberts.

‘I don’t really know,’ Allan said and then he added. ‘She’s been there eleven years now.’

Ghostly Happening

Sean and Wayne were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

When they were right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Catching their breath and trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

‘Great grief, Mister,’ said Sean, his voice quivering, ‘You scared us half to death. We thought you were a ghost! What on earth are you doing working here so late at night?’

‘Those fools,’ the old chiseller grumbled, ‘they’ve misspelled my name.’

Hilarious Stories

Uproarious Story of the Strange a Smithsonian Exhibit

The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport, Rhode Island named Scott Williams. What he does is dig things out of his backyard and then send them to the Smithsonian Institute. Scot labels his exhibits with
scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds.

This man really exists and does this in his spare time!

Anyway… here’s the actual response from the Smithsonian Institution. Bear this letter in mind next time you think you are challenged in your job to respond to a difficult situation in writing.

Smithsonian Institute, 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078

Dear Mr. Williams,

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled ‘93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post… Hominid skull.’

We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be ‘Malibu Barbie.’

It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradict your findings. However, we do feel that there are several physical attributes of the specimen that might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bones.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.

This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

1. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

2. Clams don’t have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating’s notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic records.

To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced before 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn’t sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation’s capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positing felicitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science, Harvey Rowe Chief Curator-Antiquities

Footnote to The Hilarious Story of the Smithsonian Letter

When I discovered that the Barbie Smithsonian letter was an urban myth, it was nearly as devastating as when aged 7, I realized that Father Christmas was a phony. As Will and Guy never shy away from the truth, we have to expose the story behind this hilarious hoax.

Just as when you realize Father Christmas is your parent, the whole myth is burst, so investigating the Barbie Smithsonian Exhibit uncovers facts that don’t fit with the myth. At first, there are small things, there has never been
an Antiquities department in the Smithsonian Institute. Furthermore, research reveals that the Smithsonian is fed up with people ringing up seeking to verify the ‘Barbie’ exhibit which does not exist.

Finally, it has come to our attention that the original prankster is Dr. Harvey Rowe, who conceived the Barbie Smithsonian Letter back in 1994. A few emails to friends started one of the best-ever urban myths.

Another Hilarious Story

Grandma Beats Up Airport Security Guards

By Bob Wallace

Charges were dropped yesterday against Ruth ‘Grammy’ Gordon, an 83-year-old wheelchair-bound grandmother, who was originally charged with assault and battery, and assault with a deadly weapon, because of an altercation she had last week with six airport security guards, that left all six hospitalized.

‘Justice has been served’, said the 95-pound mother of three and grandmother of six, as she sat in her wheelchair, aided in her breathing by an oxygen bottle. ‘Now I’m going to sue every fool in the federal government for ignorance, stupidity, and just plain general incompetence. I’m an American, and I won’t be treated like this.’

The problem began last month as Gordon was attempting to board an airplane. ‘These guys are supposed to be some kind of professionals’, she said, ‘but they’re dumber than rocks. Here they were letting guys who looked just like terrorists walk through without searching them, and then they pulled me aside and told me they were going to search me. don’t think so.’

According to one witness, Bud Cort of Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio, one guard, ‘who weighed about 300 pounds, looked like he was drunk, and had his shirt out, told this woman she couldn’t board the plane unless they searched her. He was really rude. That’s when the trouble started.’

Videotapes showed that Gordon ran the guard down with her motorized wheelchair, then sat on top of the screaming man while spinning her chair in circles. ‘Doofus was so fat he couldn’t get up’, said Gordon with a giggle.

One guard who attempted to pull Gordon’s wheelchair off of the screaming man from behind was hit over the head with an oxygen bottle and knocked unconscious. A third guard, who approached Gordon from the front, was also left dazed on the floor. Witnesses said she was cackling, ‘Put your hands on an old lady, will you?’ as she bashed both guards.
The tape also showed a fourth guard attempting to grab Gordon’s wheelchair. Gordon removed a knitting needle from her purse and stabbed him in his left buttock.’ What a wimp, ‘she told reporters.’ He started screaming and grabbing his butt and running like a puppy that someone kicked.’

‘It was amazing’, said another witness, Scott Ryan. ‘The whole crowd just stood there cheering and clapping. I mean, she was whupping butt.’

A fifth guard that attempted to grab Gordon had the seat of his pants set on fire with a cigarette lighter that had escaped detection.’ He just went whoosh across the concourse, screaming and slapping at all these flames flying out of his rear, ‘said Ryan.

A sixth guard finally manages to get Gordon in a body hug. ‘I think that was the wrong thing to do, ‘said another witness, who declined to be identified.’ She just grabbed him by his greasy hair with one hand and cracked him across the jaw with her skinny fist. And down and out he went.’

After all this, Gordon’schair was still sitting on top of the first guard.

The tapes clearly showed her leaning over and yelling, ‘Apologize to me, you fat sumbitch, or when I’m done with you you’ll just be a greasy spot on the floor!’

As the crowd roared, the guard cried, ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Uncle! I won’t do it again!’

Finally, Gordon surrendered without further incident, and was taken to jail and released on her own recognizance.’ We didn’t have any choice, ‘said an unidentified officer of the court.’ Over 200 people showed up to support her. I think if we had demanded bail, there would have been a riot.’

Over 20 lawyers offered to defend her for free. However, realizing the precariousness of the case, Gordon was not charged with anything. ‘I doubt there’s a jury in the whole country that would have found her guilty of anything, ‘said one of the lawyers.

‘I’m flying again tomorrow’, Gordon told reporters. ‘And I suggest no one at the airport so much as look at me wrong.’

Footnote Researched by Alicia Moss

The hilarious story of Ruth ‘Grammy’ Gordon is actually an urban myth. In fact, it’s a fiction invented by Bob Wallace. Clues are the references to ‘Bullwinkle’ (Bullwinkle Security Company, R.J. Squirrel Airport; Frostbite Falls, Minnesota; Badanov Hospital) Also the names mentioned in the piece, Bud Cort and Ruth Gordon happen to be the two stars of the 1971 film Harold and Maude.

Aircraft Carrier Out-Ranked

One foggy night, a United States Aircraft Carrier was cruising off the coast of Newfoundland and the junior radar operator spotted a light in the gloom. Here is a transcript of what happened next.

The radar operator worked out that a collision was likely unless the other vessel changed its course. So he sent a radio message.

U.S. Aircraft Carrier Radar Officer:
‘Please divert your course at least 7 degrees to the south to avoid a collision’.

Back came the reply: ‘You must be joking, I recommend you divert your course instead’.

The U.S. Radar Officer referred the matter to his superior officer. And reported the incident as insubordination.

As a result, the Captain of the Air Craft Carrier sent a second message. ‘I believe that I outrank you, and am giving you a direct order to divert your course now!!!’

Canadian Radio Operator: ‘This is a lighthouse. I suggest you take evasive action.’

Footnote to the lighthouse urban myth

This mirthful lighthouse story is an urban myth. Our friend Jackson heard a rumor that the story is discussed at the annual Coast Guard convention, where the different versions are compared and scored. Apparently, most versions are preposterous because the ship would have visual contact with the lighthouse. However, if you add a fog to your version you gain credibility – at least in the eyes of the lighthouse keepers.

Shown up in the Supermarket

Dylan is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and is giving him a big ‘hello’.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although her face is vaguely familiar, Dylan can’t place where he might know her from, so he says, ‘Sorry, do you know me?’

She replies, ‘I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children’

Dylan’s mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, ‘Blimey!’ he says, ‘Did we meet on Frank’s stag do in Newport? Dylan continued, ‘When I was released from the police station and got back to the hotel room, you had gone.’

No, ‘she replies, ‘I’m your son’s English Teacher’.

Names have been changed to protect our friends.

Round Like a Shot

Round like a shot… Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things. I phoned the police but was told there was no one in the area to help. The policeman said they would send someone over as soon as possible. I hung up.

A minute later I rang again. ‘Hello’, I said, ‘I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don’t
have to hurry now, because I’ve shot them.’ Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the officers said: ‘I thought you said you’d shot’ them. To which I replied: ‘I thought you said there was no one available.’

Hilarious Article by Tony Gladstone

The Bull Story

Here is the situation, Jenny the farmer’s wife looks out of her window. What does she see but a bull in a field caught his head in between the bars of a feeder?

Jenny calls the fire brigade. Their siren only makes the bull more agitated. When they appraise the situation they realize they are not equipped to deal with cattle, so they phone for the RSPCA inspector to help free the animal.

Six hefty firemen and the inspector push and pull the beast and eventually, they wrestle its head from between the bars.

The bull was, by now, very angry and turned snorting at the men and began to attack them. Fearing for their life, they hide in the animal feeder. Whereupon the farmer’s wife burst into tears of joy followed by tears of laughter.

Jenny was now able to rescue the rescuers. All she did was get the bull’s old milk bottle, half fill it with milk, put on the teat, and use it to lead the bull from the animal feeder into the farmyard and close the gate.

Hoax and Impostor Stories

Robert Hendy-Freegard – MI5

Robert Hendy-Freegard impersonated a secret agent [MI5] in order to convince people he met to do ridiculous and strange things and sometimes to give him large sums of money.

One particular time involved going to Manchester, England, to buy a £1.25 [$2.04] can opener from a particular shop. Mr Young was given detailed instructions about which buses and trains to catch, the doors and escalators to be used, and warned he would be under constant surveillance. Next, he was ordered to buy a copy of the Gay Times and read it openly on the train to London. Sheffield coach station had sold out of the magazine, but Mr Young headed for the capital anyway, armed with the can opener.

Following his orders to the letter, he went to a West End pub and asked the barman for a particular person. Told there was no one of that name there, but thinking it was all part of his MI5 evaluation, Mr. Young handed the surprised barman the can opener and said, ‘Well when you see him, give him this.’

His suspicions were only aroused when Hendy-Freegard failed to hide his amusement on hearing Mr Young’s account of his mission.

Mary Baker, the Princess Caraboo from the Island of Javasu

In 1817, a cobbler in England met an apparently disoriented young woman with exotic clothes who was speaking a language no one could understand. Locals brought many foreigners who tried to find out what strange language the lady was talking to until a Portuguese sailor “translated” her story: she was Princess Caraboo from the island of Javasu in the Indian Ocean. She had been captured by pirates, then jumped overboard in the Bristol Channel and swam ashore.

For the next ten weeks, this representative of exotic royalty was a favorite of the local dignitaries. She used a bow and arrow, fenced, swam naked, and prayed to God, whom she termed Allah Tallah. She acquired exotic clothing and a portrait made of her was reproduced in local newspapers.

Eventually, the truth came out: she was actually a cobbler’s daughter, Mary Baker, from Devon. She had been a servant girl in various places all over England but had not found a place to stay. She had invented a fictitious language out of imaginary and gypsy words and created an exotic character.

She continued her role in the USA, France, and Spain without the same luck. Her story was the basis of the 1994 movie “Princess Caraboo”, written by John Wells.

Stories for Children

Stories for Children Who Like Animals

Cat’s Daily Routine Baffles Owner reports BBC News

This is a true story about a cat who baffles his owner by wandering off at night before expecting to be collected by car every morning at exactly the same time and place.

Sgt Podge, a Norwegian Forest Cat, disappears from his owner’s home in Talbot Woods, Bournemouth, every night. The next morning, the 12-year-old cat can always be found in exactly the same place, sat on a pavement about one and a half miles (2.4km) away.

His owner, Liz Bullard, takes her son to school before collecting Sgt Podge. She said a routine has now become established, where each morning she takes her son to school before driving to collect Sgt Podge from the pavement between 0800 and 0815 GMT. It is thought Sgt Podge walks across Meyrick Park Golf Course every night to reach his destination. Ms Bullard said, ‘If it’s raining he may be in the bush but he comes running if I clap my hands.’

All she has to do is open the car passenger door from the inside for Sgt Podge to jump in.

Back at home, Sgt Podge has breakfast before going to sleep by a warm radiator.

Giant Penguin Holds up Train

Neuwied – Germany

Udo Vergens, a German train driver, thought that he saw a man lying face down on the track. What could Udo do? What would you do? Well, Udo slammed on the train’s emergency breaks. Fortunately, the train came screeching to a halt barely 2 meters from the body. When Udo got close, he could see that it was not a man in a tuxedo, but a giant toy
penguin.

Passengers were less impressed as their journey was disrupted because of Udo’s emergency stop.

A Neuwied police spokesman said: ‘We are at a loss to explain the presence of this very large penguin.

‘We would think you would notice if you lost something like this.’ Talking of notices, see picture right of what the train driver missed!

Tale from the Supermarket

Cedric watched as a woman at his supermarket shopped with a three-year-old girl. As they approached the sweet section the little girl asked for some licorice sticks and her mother told her, ‘No’. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss. The mother said softly, ‘Now Cindy, our shopping is going well, Don’t be upset………we’ll soon be out of here.’

Presently, they came to the aisle where the ice cream was on offer and the little girl began to ask for an ice lolly. When told she couldn’t have one she began to cry. The mother said gently, ‘There, there, Cindy, don’t cry. Only two more aisles to go and then we’ll be at the checkout
.

When they got to the conveyor belt the little girl immediately began to demand sweets next to the checkout. Finally, she threw a tantrum when her mother would not let her have any sweets. The mother, calmed her saying, ‘Cindy, we’ll be through this queue in two minutes and then we can go home and have a glass of squash and a nap.’

Cedric followed them out to the car park and stopped the woman to compliment her on her child management.

‘I couldn’t help admiring how patient you were with little Cindy,’ Cedric said.

The mother turned and replied, ‘Oh, no, I’m Cindy. My little girl’s name is Dorothy.

Tales for Older Children

Only in America – Allegedly True Food Story From The USA

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with a delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital:

Agent: Hello. I’d like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We’re over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That’s right. I’m an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You’re an FBI agent?
Agent: That’s correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you’re at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That’s correct. And make sure you don’t go through the front doors. We have them locked. You’ll have to go around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you’re all FBI agents?
Agent: That’s right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That’s right. We’ve been here all day and we’re starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you’re all FBI agents?
Agent: That’s right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don’t think so. *Click*

The Bell Ringers Saga

Quasimodo was the famous hunchback of Notre Dame. After his death, the bishop of his Cathedral sent word through the streets of Paris that he needed a new bell ringer.

The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and so he went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he shook his head – none were as good as Quasimodo.

Just as the bishop was leaving, a man with no arms approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job.

The bishop was incredulous. ‘But, you have no arms!’

‘No matter’, said the man. ‘Observe!’ And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the bells. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo

But suddenly, rushing forward to head the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window. Sadly, he died on the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to the armless man. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, ‘Bishop, who was this man?’
.

‘I don’t know his name’, the bishop sadly replied, ‘but his face rings a bell.’

Part 2

The next day, despite the sadness of the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, ‘Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you will honor my brother’s life by allowing me to replace him as your esteemed bell ringer’.

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition and, as the armless man’s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

A monk, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. ‘What has happened? Who is this man?’ the monk asked breathlessly.

‘I don’t know his name’, sighed the distraught bishop, but…. …. ‘He’s was a dead ringer for his brother’.

Funny short stories

Funny musical jokes

The Band. Arnold and his wife Florrie were walking across Southsea Common one Sunday afternoon. In the bandstand, the combo was playing a catchy-sounding tune, and Florrie said, ‘I wonder what the name of that tune is.’

Arnold noticed that there was a sign posted near the bandstand and said, ‘It looks like they post the titles of the tunes they play. I’ll go down and see.’

A while later Arnold returned and said to Florrie, ‘It’s one I don’t know, it’s called the Refrain from Spitting.’

Harmonica. Jeremy walked into a shop that sold musical instruments and bought a very expensive mouth organ.

As the shopkeeper wrapped up the instrument he said, ‘You know this is quite amazing. We normally don’t sell many mouth organs, but this is the second one I’ve sold today.’

‘Oh,’ remarked Jeremy, ‘that must have been our Monica’

Funny fishy stories

You only need to mention fish and joke in the same sentence to get a giggle.

Fishy? An English tourist is on holiday in a Cornish village when he spots what he thinks is the village idiot sitting next to the horse through. In his hand is an old stick, and tied to the end is a piece of string that is dangling in the water. The tourist decides to humor the fellow and asks, ‘Have you caught anything yet?’

The village idiot looks up and studies the stranger before answering, ‘Aye, you be the ninth today.’

Big Catch. Michael and Peter went on a fishing trip. They hired all the equipment: the reels, the rods, bait, wading boots, the rowing boat, the car, and even a log cabin in the woods. No expense was spared for their yearly expedition.

On the first day they went fishing they didn’t catch a thing. The same thing happened on the second day and on the third day. It continued like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, Michael caught a fish.

As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. Peter turns to his friend, Michael, and says, ‘Do you realize that this one pathetic fish we have caught cost us £900?’

Michael replies with a jaundiced smile, ‘Crikey, it’s a good thing we didn’t catch anymore!’

True Story From Will

Before retiring from teaching Will qualified as a first aider in order to instruct CPR [Cardio Pulmonary Resuscitation] to Year 10 students, with the help of Surrey Ambulance Service, as part of the PHSE syllabus. Classes always used the mannequin known to all as ‘Resusci Annie’. The particular model used by Will’s students was legless to store it in a carrying case.

Youngsters used to practice on Annie in groups in preparation for their examinations. Philip, following Will’s teaching knelt beside Resusci Anne and shook her asking, ‘Are you alright?’. He then put his ear over the mouth to see if the dummy was breathing, all correct procedure.

Philip then turned to Will and said with a straight face, ‘Sir, she says she can’t feel her legs.’

Funny Jokes – On Your Travels

Out of the hat. Ron was walking down the street when he met a small boy. Ron asked his name.

The lad replied, ‘Six and seven-eighths.’

Ron looked puzzled and asked him why his parents had given him such a strange name, and the youngster replied, ‘Oh, they just picked it out of a hat.’

Whose side are you on? A British Army Colonel was walking down Oxford Street in London when he saw a man with no arms and no legs sitting on the pavement playing a mouth organ.

A sign beside the chap read, ‘Victim of the Falklands War.’

‘I say how disgraceful, eh?’ said the colonel, ‘the way the country treats its veterans.’ So saying, he pulled out his wallet peeled off two fifty-pound notes, and dropped them in the ex-soldier’s hat.

The veteran looked up and said, ‘Muchas gracias, senor.’

Hot Air?

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman tending to the flowers in her garden. He descended a bit more and shouted, ‘Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend that I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.’

The woman below replied, ‘You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.’

‘You must be an Accountant,’ said the balloonist.

‘I am,’ replied the woman, ‘How did you know?’

‘Well,’ answered the balloonist, ‘everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you have delayed my journey.’

The woman below responded, ‘You must be in Management.’

‘I am,’ replied the balloonist, ‘but how did you know?’

‘Well,’ said the woman, ‘you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath
you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow it’s now become my fault!’

Seven Funny True Stories

a) In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

b) In Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan ‘finger-licking’ good’ came out as ‘eat your fingersoff.’

c) An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of the desired ‘I Saw the Pope’ in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed ‘I Saw the Potato.’

d) Ford had a problem naming a car in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for ‘tiny male genitals’. Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

e) When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say, ‘It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.’ However, the company mistakenly thought the Spanish word ’embarazar’ meant embarrass. Instead, the ads said, ‘It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.’

f) The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means, ‘bite the wax tadpole’ or ‘female horse stuffed with wax’ depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, ‘ko-kou-ko-le,’ which can be loosely translated as ‘happiness in the mouth.’

g) To even it up Will and Guy found this one from Coca-Cola’s rival. In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan ‘Come alive with the Pepsi Generation’ came out as ‘Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.’

Good Business?

Paul, a senior official in his company, walked into a London bank and asked to see the loan’s manager.

He said he was going to America on business for two weeks and needed to borrow £10,000 [$19,000]. The loan manager said that the bank would need some collateral for such a loan.

Paul immediately handed over the keys to a Mercedes that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as security for the loan.

An employee then drove the Mercedes into the bank’s underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later Paul returned and repaid the £10,000 and the interest, which amounted to some £9.41 [$18].

The loan officer said, ‘We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow £10,000?’

With a broad grin, Paul responded, ‘Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for less than £10?’