Car Jokes - Funny Jokes

Funny Car Jokes

Here is a page of our free, funny car jokes, stories, and one-liners. Will and Guy have collected a diverse selection of a dozen of the best motorist and car jokes.

1. Don’t Swear At Other Drivers!

This one is one of the best car jokes that teaches us not to swear at other drivers:

Eddie was driving down the road and met a car coming the other way. Although there was room to pass easily, Eddie forced the oncoming car to slow down and wound down his window, and shouted ‘Pig’. The other driver looked in his rearview mirror and swore at Eddie. Then his car hit the pig.

2. Murphy’s Car Is Stolen

Murphy’s wife borrowed his car and parked in the supermarket car park. Just as she came out laden with shopping, she saw a young lad break into the car, hot-wire it, and drive off. Naturally, she reported the matter to the police.’ What did he look like? the sergeant asked. ‘I don’t
know she replied, I got the license plate’. Here, you can notice ironic humor found in the best car jokes.

3. Time To Stop

This one brings to mind car jokes that play on words:

A traffic cop pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway. Glancing into the car, he was astounded to see that the young lady, who was driving, was knitting.

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the policeman wound down his window, turned on his loudspeaker, and yelled, ‘PULL OVER!’

‘NO’, the young lady yelled back, ‘It’s A SCARF!’

4. Here Is a Selection of Strange But True Car Jokes from People Filling in Their Insurance Claims.

The following quotes are as funny as car jokes as they show what people write on their car insurance claim forms. Apparently, these are strange but true stories collected by assessors.

Funny car jokes and one-liners sent in by Alan Turnham

To avoid a collision I ran into the other car.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
I thought the side window was down but it was up, as I found when I put my head through it.
If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself the accident would not have happened.
She suddenly saw me, lost her head and we met.
Cow wandered into my car. I was afterward informed that the cow was half-witted.
Three women were talking to each other and when two stepped back and one stepped forward I had to have an accident.
There were plenty of lookers on but no witnesses.
A bull was standing nearby and a fly must have tickled him because he gored my car.

Each of these stories has become an inspiration for modern car jokes.

5. What To Do About Cars Speeding In Villages?

These car jokes are for you, if you’ve been speeding up in villages:

The local council could not afford a speed camera, so they put up a sign saying: Slow down Old People’s Home. – It had no effect.

At the next meeting, they decided to play on their paternal instincts and put up a sign:
Danger – Children at Play. The result was no discernable reduction in traffic speed.

Then the chairman had a brain-wave and suggested they try a sign with Nudist Colony. – As a result of the Nudist Colony notice, white vans, and lorries crawl through the village.

5a. Fact is Stranger than Fiction – Miss Whiplash

Andy Jones decided to put into practice the idea of slowing down motorists with an eye-catching statement. Mr Jones of Littledean, Gloucestershire, England decided to use a manikin model instead of a written sign. What makes this more complicated and interesting is that Mr. Jones owns a crime museum, and his model is ‘Miss Whiplash’. She certainly turns heads and inspires numerous car jokes with her approach.

Councillor Bernie Giles takes the view that ‘Miss Whiplash’ is not necessary, and others believe that she may cause more accidents than she prevents. That’s why she’s a common character of modern car jokes.

Bring Down Petrol Prices, Take Action, Funny Petrol Cartoons

While bringing down petrol prices is a worthy aim, it is the concept that appeals to every car jokes enthusiast.

We can imagine using this method of boycotting to control all sorts of multinational companies that get too big for their boots.

Bring Down Petrol Prices

Here is a new twist on the old idea of a round-robin letter, filled with the humor found in car jokes. The point is the power of the internet can harness vast numbers of people to take action against a petrol cartel that inflates prices.

It intrigues us to see if this example of people power takes off, or if apathy will allow the big companies to continue manipulating their customers.

Here is the real letter, but with names changed

Dear Motorist,

We are hitting £1.23p a liter in some areas now, soon we will be faced with paying £1.50 per liter. Here is the idea infused with the spirit of car jokes:

This makes MUCH MORE SENSE than the ‘don’t buy petrol on a certain day campaign that was going around last April or May! The oil companies just laughed at that because they knew we wouldn’t continue to hurt ourselves by refusing to buy petrol. It was more of an inconvenience to us than it was a problem for them. However, whoever thought of this idea has come up with a plan that can work, plus we can share a laugh with car jokes along the way.

Please read it and join in!

Now that the oil companies and the OPEC nations have conditioned us to think that the cost of a liter is CHEAP, we need to take aggressive action to teach them that BUYERS control the marketplace place not sellers. With the price of petrol increasing each day, we consumers need to take action. The only way we are going to see the price of petrol come down is if we hit someone in the pocket by not purchasing their Petrol! And we can do that WITHOUT hurting ourselves, all while sharing car jokes to lighten the mood. Here’s the idea:

For the rest of this year DON’T purchase ANY petrol from the two biggest oil companies, I’ll call them E$$O and GBP.

If they are not selling any petrol, they will be inclined to reduce their prices. If they reduce their prices, the other companies will have to follow suit. But to have an impact we need to reach millions of E$$O and GBP petrol buyers. It’s really simple to do!!

Now, don’t wimp out on me at this point… keep reading and I’ll explain how simple it is to reach millions of people!!

I am sending this note to a lot of people. If each of you sends it to at least ten more (30 x 10 = 300)… and those 300 send it to at least ten more (300 x 10 = 3,000) … and so on, by the time the message reaches the sixth generation of people, we will have reached over THREE MILLION consumers! If those three million get excited and pass this on to ten friends each, then 30 million people will have been contacted! If it goes one level further, you guessed it…

THREE HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE!!!

Again, all YOU have to do is send this to 10 people. That’s all. (And not buy at E$$O and GBP) How long would all that take? If each of us sends this email out to ten more people within one day of receipt, all 300 MILLION people could conceivably be contacted within the next 8 days!!! Acting together we can make a difference, and maybe even share a laugh with car jokes. If this makes sense to you, please pass this message on.

PLEASE HOLD OUT UNTIL THEY LOWER THEIR PRICES TO THE 89p a LITRE RANGE

It’s easy to make this happen. Just forward this email, and buy your petrol at small local petrol stations, or else supermarkets, the point is to boycott E$$O and GBP

Yours sincerely
Mr Organized | Director
mro@dir$$-action-uk.com

Boycotting Petrol Stations is a Flawed Idea – Say the Experts

Economics Prof. Pat Welch of St. Louis University says any boycott of ‘bad guy’ gasoline in favor of ‘good guy’ brands would have some unintended (and unhappy) results. This saying is often reflected by popular car jokes.

Prof Welch says the law of supply and demand is set in stone. ‘To meet the sudden demand,’ he says, ‘the good guys would have to buy gasoline wholesale from the bad guys, who are suddenly stuck with unwanted gasoline.’ His insight could influence car jokes about the unexpected consequences.

So motorists would end up . . . paying more for it because they’d be buying it at fewer stations.

Also, oil companies buy and sell from one another. Mike Right of AAA Missouri says, ‘If a company has a station that can be served more economically by a competitor’s refinery, they’ll do it.’

Right adds, ‘In some cases, gasoline retailers have no refinery at all. Some convenience store chains sell a lot of gasoline – and buy it all from somebody else’s refinery.’

A boycott of a couple of brands of gasoline won’t result in lower overall prices. Prices at all the non-boycotted outlets would rise due to the temporarily limited supply and increased demand, making the original prices look cheap by comparison. The shunned outlets could then make a killing by offering gasoline at its ‘normal’ (i.e., pre-boycott) price or by selling off their output to the non-boycotted companies, who will need the extra supply to meet demand. The only person who gets hurt in this proposed scheme is the service station operator, who has almost no control over the price of gasoline.

Regardless of the humor reflected among these car jokes, the only practical way of reducing gasoline prices is through the straightforward means of buying less gasoline, not through a simple and painless scheme of just shifting where we buy it. The inconvenience of driving less is a hardship too many people aren’t willing to endure, however.

The Final Word

Will and Guy accept that this particular case of ‘Bringing down petrol prices’ is moving into the category of urban myth. However, we stand by the idea that public opinion, whipped up by internet sites, could be a useful weapon to curb the excesses of big companies. This provides a hopeful note that could be lightened with car jokes. So, if you see any cases where public pressure causes a big company to back down or reduce prices, please let us know.

Car acceleration. Slow down or stop

Below we’ll explore a few interesting car jokes about car acceleration.

Effects of Acceleration

This particular one among car jokes is simple. Just, be reassured, the dog was not hurt.

Screaming Girl In a Touring Car

Want to hear car jokes about screaming girls in cars? Take a look:

Stop or Slow Down

One night Rodney was driving home along a road he knew well. When he reached the Stop sign he slowed down but did not come to a halt, whereupon a police officer pulled Rodney’s car over.

‘What difference does it make’ said Rodney, ‘slow down or stop’. ‘I will give you a demonstration’ said the officer and started beating Rodney with his truncheon.’ Now would you like me to slow down – or stop?

Funny speeding Car Jokes and pictures

In the following sections, we’ll focus on car jokes about speeding. Most of these car jokes below are reflected in the pictures:

1a. Car Speed Limit Enforced by Helicopter – Problem for Police

The pictures below represent car jokes about how police catches speeding drivers:

1b. Speed cameras are passed in Texas. Now the police are using helicopters to catch speeding motorists.

Next car jokes are about never-ending battle between speeders and the police:

1c. In Another State We Also Have: ‘Speed Enforced by Aircraft’

Again, car jokes about speeders continue:

1d. Eye in the Sky

Let’s take a break from car jokes on pictures and read one of the best car jokes below:

Rick, a speeding motorist, was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket.

‘How did you know I was speeding?’ Rick enquired in frustration.

The police officer pointed sombrely toward the sky.

‘You mean,’ stuttered Rick, ‘that even He is against me?’

2a. Previous Police Speed Check Vehicle

This one is a visual punchline for car jokes.

2b. Good News – New Police Speed Check Vehicle

More Funny Speeding Car Jokes on Pictures

The pictures below reflect car jokes about the inevitability of getting caught.

2c. Friendly Speeding Warning

Did you hear about the youth who was pulled over for speeding?

The cop got out of his car and the young man rolled down his window.

‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the cop said with a grin.

The guy replied, ‘Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the youngster on his way without a ticket. And as you can see, these cops actualyl understand the essence of car jokes.

2d. Speed Check – If you get caught here, you deserve your fine

And the final one in this section is among our favorite car jokes abotu speeding:

Another Selection of Speeding Car Jokes on Pictures

In the next section, we’ll focus on more car jokes on speeding represented on pictures.

3a. Traffic Speed Enforcement by the Carabinieri

These two pictures represent internaitonal car jokes.

3b. Speed Trapping – British Style

Unlike previous ones, this is among British car jokes.

Beware: Speed Trap Ahead

Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick, Northumberland, UK, were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the A1 Great North Road.
One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300mph. The machine then stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it. The radar had latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet over the North Sea, which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district. Back at police headquarters, the chief constable fired off a complaint to the RAF [Royal Air Force] Liaison Office. Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style.

‘Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had automatically locked on to your ‘hostile radar equipment’ and sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, the Sidewinder Air-to-ground missiles aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also locked on to the target. Fortunately, the Dutch pilot flying the Tornado responded to the missile status alert intelligently and was able to override the automatic protection system before the missile was launched.

This story is common among British car jokes about traffic sign errors.

4. Experimental Speed Limits

New road signs are springing up, which take into account gender differences. So far, they are only experimental and that’s why we included them among car jokes.

5. Solw Speeding – Pour Spelling?

And here’s the fiinal picutre that represents car jokes about traffic sign errors.

6. New Funny Speed Control Device

Will and Guy have seen many techniques, used by various groups, to slow the speed of traffic down. This attempt has to be one of the best we have come across; also, it is so much cheaper than speed cameras.

Scroll down to see all three-speed control pictures:

Fabulous, Clever, and Amusing Traffic Calming Idea

Now, let’s take a look at car jokes about amusing tactics used to encourage drivers to slow down.

Cyclists slow down to avoid this crater-sized “hole” in the middle of a riverside towpath in London, England. Here we can see a young lady looking into the “hole”; but the hole is an optical illusion, a three-dimensional drawing of a canyon, in an attempt to make careless
cyclists hit the brakes rather than ride dangerously and ignore pedestrians.

This pavement art is the work of Joe Hill and Max Lowry, who specialize in three-dimensional images, and it was commissioned by British Waterways and installed along the Regent’s Canal towpath in Islington, North London.

A BW spokesperson informed Will and Guy, ‘The towpaths are often narrow and are full of historic furniture such as low bridges, lock landings, and bollards, all of which are part of the charm of the canal, but aren’t ideal for cyclists who need to get somewhere in a hurry.’

More Funny Car jokes on Pictures

The common theme in this section is funny vehicles, cars, trucks, lorries, and even cycles. Will and Guy have a wide range of amusing car crashes and accompanying car jokes.

How Many Horses Under the Bonnet?

This question sets the stage for car jokes about reality of what powers our vehicles.

Car Needs Repairing?

This is one of the best car jokes represented on pictures.

Funny Car Fans

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming. Mitch Hedberg

Now, we’ll focus on car jokes about the DIY fixes.

Does the car need a new fan?

I once had a car that needed a new fan belt. However, mine was nothing like this:

I used to like all farm vehicles but now I am an extractor fan!

Car – Fan of little pink cars

Brian Taylor photographed ‘A pink model car left in a car park in Lichfield, Staffordshire, and the model has even received a ‘parking ticket’ from a humorous parking attendant.’ Reports BBC online.

Fan of a Flower Power Car?

Some car jokes even reflect bizzare looks of vehicles like this one:

Car Keying – Key to Car?

Other car jokes play on words.

The Ultimate Car Fan?

And sometimes, you can even encounter strange car jokes about car fans like this:

More Funny Car Pictures

Will and Guy have another selection of funny car jokes and pictures. We have the photos to demonstrate this amazing family. Do they have relatives near you? If so get the camera ready and send us the pictures that reflect car jokes.

1. The father of this crazy family has a dream job as a film extra, but then he overacts, takes his eyes off the road then drives over the edge. Spot the name of the company on this funny car picture.

2. Sister has trouble parking her 4×4. She parks her car anywhere, here is an exampleas one of our favorite car jokes.

3. Brother cannot toe (or tow) the company line – he works for Pepsi but drinks Coca-Cola! Check that red label on the bottle he’s swigging.

3a. Another Brother in Action

The picture of another borther will always get among the funniest car jokes ever.

4. Mother photographed parking in the supermarket – allegedly

5. Uncle Faustus – Registered Blind

While Uncle Faustus is a registered blind man, it’s O.K for him to drive because his guide dog is in the passenger seat.

6. Russian Relatives – Loading a Lada onto a car transporter

7. And finally a funny car picture of the family black sheep (another brother). Also, a part of greatest car jokes of all.

Hilarious Tale of a Woman Driver: With a Happy Ending

This is one of the best section of our car jokes that tells a story of a woman driver.

A woman driver ended up parking her car on the roof of this Italian house after she forgot to put on the handbrake. Maria Rizzo, 34, stopped to admire the spectacular view from the street above the house in Alassio, on the Gulf of Genoa in northern Italy.

Will and Guy heard that she was so intent on taking a photograph that she forgot to put on the handbrake, and her car rolled away, smashing through a barrier and plunging down the hill onto the house below.

The Fiat Panda crashed through the roof and landed in the bathroom, with the front end wedged in an iron bath which broke the fall and stopped the red car plunging further into the house.

A police spokesman remarked to us, ‘Luckily no one was home at the time, so nobody was hurt, but the owner of the property did have a surprise when they arrived home.’

No doubt we say.

Picture: CEN

Policeman Meets His Match

Let’s continue telling car jokes by sharing some stories.

A patrol officer pulled over Angela for speeding. Angela was a 60-year-old lady from out of state.

The officer asked to see her license. ‘Don’t have one’ Angela said. ‘Can I please see the Vehicle registration’ the officer asked firmly but politely. ‘Nope’ snapped Angela.

In that case, I will have to take you to the Police station and charge you there. When they
arrived the arresting officer said, to the duty sergeant. This lady has no license and no vehicle registration.

‘Sure I do’ said Angela sweetly. ‘This officer has got in for me, the next thing is he will be saying that I was speeding’.

Will’s Nomination For Entrepreneur Of the Year

Hand car wash! Just in case there isn’t enough water, spot the hydrant! One of the most amusing car jokes indeed!

Guy’s Nomination for Cowboy of the Year

Only in Texas do they use the car wash for their prize cattle.

I hate the outdoors. To me, the outdoors is where the car is. Will Durst

Jumbo Car Wash

Elephants having fun with their ‘Beetle’ car wash.

A Few More Car Wash Jokes and Funny Pictures

My niece, Lucy, was thrilled to hear that a new car wash was opening up in her neighborhood.
‘How convenient,’ she said. ‘I will be able to walk to it.’
Two men drive into a car wash. Which one is Italian? The one on the scooter.

Special Offer For Senior Citizens

The Ultimate Car Wash

This amusing and rather worrying story was reported in the Huddersfield Daily Examiner and on BBC Radio 5 Live. for those of us who use car washes: BE WARNED.

A safety expert is demanding action after his car was damaged in a car wash. Richard Wrigley watched in disbelief as the boot of his red Jaguar got caught up in the mechanism of the drying machine at the car wash at Sainsbury’s Shore Head supermarket.

‘I looked in the rearview mirror to see this red thing and realized it was the boot of the car, ‘he said.’ The drying equipment had lifted the boot until it would go no further and crumpled it. I got out and left the driver’s door open. I was looking for a stop button. The next thing I saw was my car door opening further. I tried to move the car forward, but the drier pushed the door open until it was at right angles to the car body.’ He added, ‘There was no way of stopping the machine and there are no safety instructions for drivers. Someone could have been badly injured. The machine didn’t stop when it came into contact with the car boot, it just carried on its way.’

Mr Wrigley, speaking on the radio, remarked that the latest quote to repair his door and boot was some £3000. He added, also, that his children who were with him in the car when this happened thoroughly ‘enjoyed’ the adventure!

No Muddy Vehicles!

Topless Car Wash

Funny Driving Car Jokes

Stop, or Slow Down

One night Rodney was driving home along a road he knew well. When he reached the Stop sign he slowed down but did not come to a halt, whereupon a police officer pulled Rodney’s
car over.

‘What difference does it make’ said Rodney, ‘slow down or stop’. ‘I will give you a demonstration’
said the officer and started beating Rodney with his truncheon.’ Now would you like me to slow down – or stop?

Julie Could Not Stop

Julie was driving a people carrier full of ten screaming kids through the high street looking for a space. Too frazzled to effectively pay attention, she coasted right through a stop sign.

A man in a passing car leaned out of his window and yelled, “Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?”

Julie out of her window and yelled back, “What makes you think these kids
are all mine?”

Patrol Officer Meets His Match

A patrol officer pulled over Enid for speeding. Enid was a 65-year-old lady from out of state.

The officer asked to see her license. ‘Don’t have one’ Enid said. ‘Can I please see the Vehicle registration’ the officer asked firmly but politely. ‘Nope’ snapped Enid.

‘Sure I do’ said Enid sweetly. ‘This officer has got in for me, the next thing is he will be saying that I was speeding’.

More Funny Driving Car Jokes

Eye Test

A short Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver’s license.

First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters. On the bottom row were these letters: ‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’

‘Can you read this?’ the optician asked.

‘Read it? the Polish guy replied – ‘I know the fellow.’

No Driving Licence

Betty was sitting on a lawn sunning and reading when she was startled by a Buick Enclave crashing through a hedge and coming to rest on her lawn. She helped the elderly driver out and sat him on a lawn chair. “My goodness,” she exclaimed, “you are quite old to be driving!” “Yes”, he replied, “I am old enough that I don’t need a license.”

“What….NO LICENSE?” “Nope! The last time I went to my doctor he examined me and asked if I had a driving license. I told I did have one and handed it to him. He took scissors out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces, threw them in the wastebasket, and said, ‘You won’t need this anymore.’ So, I thanked him and left.”

Another Funny Driving Joke

A teenage boy called Joel had just passed his driving test and asked Dad when they could discuss his use of the car.

Dad said ‘I’ll make a deal with you Joel, You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.”

The boy thought about that for a moment and decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, “Joel, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve seen that you have been studying your Bible. But I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”

“You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my Bible studies that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

“Joel, did you also notice all those people walked everywhere they went?”

The Kitchen Saga

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband when he burst into the kitchen.

‘Careful, ‘he cried, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my goodness! you’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh, my word! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? they’re going to STICK! Careful … CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’

The wife stared at him in amazement, ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t
know how to fry a couple of eggs?’

The husband calmly replied, ‘I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’

A Long Drive

Many years ago Terry Wogan, an Irish radio presenter, said he had just returned from a holiday in Ireland. Visiting some friends and making conversation with the taxi driver, he said it was a long drive.

The taxi driver replied: “Sure, but if it wasn’t as long it wouldn’t reach the house”!!

Kindly sent by Ray Ottaway

No Laughing in the Woods

A German has been ordered to stop laughing out loud in the woods after joggers complained that he was disturbing the peace. Accountant Joachim Bahrenfeld, 54, from Datteln said he goes to the woods after work and at weekends to have a good belly laugh.’ It’s part of living for me, like eating, drinking and breathing. I feel much better when I laugh, it’s freeing and healthy, ‘he said.

Now he faces a £4,000 [$7000USD] fine or six months in jail if he laughs out loud again after a jogger successfully took him to court saying he was disturbing the peace.

German laugh expert Susanne Maier, who founded the German Laughter Academy which aims to teach serious-minded Germans to lighten up, said, ‘Mr Bahrenfeld has been doing what we advise our students to do and that is to find a place they like to have a good old giggle.
It would do the person who made the complaint and the judge good to come along to our school and learn for themselves the benefits of letting it all go.’

Driving Everyone Mad

Learning Fast

Paul saw an advertisement for a Driving School that claimed it could teach anyone to drive a car in ten minutes. He ‘phoned the school and asked, ‘How can you possibly teach anyone to drive in only ten minutes?’ The Driving School receptionist replied, ‘Of course, it’s a crash course.’

Timing your Journey

A friend of Will’s wife, Yvonne Stokes, was stopped on Fareham Road, Portchester, England, for traveling at 37 mph in a 30mph zone. She was, of course quite contrite and spoke politely to the young police constable who had stopped her. She was asked if she wanted to pay a fixed penalty fine or attend a defensive driving course held daily at the local Community Centre. This
she agreed to wholeheartedly.

The police constable told her not to be late that being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began. Never a good timekeeper, Yvonne was late for the first appointment and in trepidation knocked on the door. The policeman opened it and demanded to know why Yvonne was late. ‘I was trying not to get another ticket,’ mumbled Yvonne. The constable let her in.

Coping with Worry

Theresa: Doctor, I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests is there
anything you can give me? Doctor: Just don’t try not to worry about it. You’ll pass eventually.

Theresa: But I’m the examiner.

Blind Driver

“Funny Shop Names” reminded me of an amusing incident. While driving down a highway I approached a van that had on the back “Caution, this van is being driven by a blind man”. As I passed this vehicle the name on the side indicated that it was a delivery van for installing window treatments including Venetian Blinds.

Wheel Clamping Revenge – Ringley

Residents in a housing complex at Southend-on-Sea, Essex, England woke up to find their cars had been clamped by two big men from London Parking Control. Did they take it lying down? No. What they did was to take revenge and block the clamper’s cars.

The residents banded together and got five of their un-clamped cars to blockade the exit. Angry car owners phoned a friend. The resulting cavalry were able to hem in the clampers’ cars and give them a taste of their own medicine. – Wheel clamping revenge.

After a tense five-hour stand-off, the management company backed down and called off the clampers.

The underlying problem was a new parking scheme that Ringley was introducing. What went wrong was that letters sent about the new regulations did not reach the residents who were supposed to comply.

A spokeswoman for the London Parking Control said: ‘We are still looking into the incident and liaising with our client, Ringley.’

Unfortunately, some residents just had to get out for urgent appointments; Guy and Will do hope that they get their £125 fine refunded.

Try Wheel Clamping These Vehicles

Mr Jobsworth – Do You Have Enough Clamps?

Not So Funny Parking Tickets

Westminster Council (London, England)

A traffic warden gave out parking tickets to the ‘Thames Whale Rescuers’. Even though the police had permitted them to park, they were in the act of trying to save the poor whale. Zero compassion from the warden.

Another Westminster council traffic warden gave four parking tickets to cars in a funeral cortege as mourners paid their respects to the deceased. Zero humanity.

In nearby Camden Town, a parking attendant issued a parking ticket to an RSPCA inspector
who was rescuing an injured bird. An RSPCA spokesman said that this was not the first time one of his inspectors had received a parking ticket when going about his duties.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Misar Ahmed stopped his taxi to help a woman who was ill. While he nursed her in the back of his cab as he waited for an ambulance, a cowardly parking attendant gave him a not-very-funny parking ticket.

In a similar case, Patricia and Welch were amazed to get a parking ticket when they rushed a neighbor to a doctor’s surgery. The woman who had a heart attack was later taken by ambulance to the hospital. Surprisingly, the ambulance managed to avoid getting a ticket. Zero common sense.

All give and no take.

As nurses in a National Blood Service van were taking blood from volunteer blood donors, a jobsworth was issuing a parking. The parking attendant informed the amazed driver that he did
not have permission to be in a parking bay. One anonymous donor said he had been giving blood in the same spot for 4 years without trouble. Zero public spirit.

Yellow Line Fever.

Mike Fox of Salisbury Road, West Ealing, London, kindly agreed that contractors could move his car so that they could paint yellow lines. A waiting traffic warden pounced and issued a parking ticket in the spot where the contractors had parked Mike’s car.

One morning Michael Dickinson of Hendon parked his car perfectly legally. The road had never had any parking restrictions. However, when he returned in the afternoon, he could see that a yellow line had been painted up to his car, and a warden had slapped a parking ticket on his windscreen. Zero sense of natural justice.

Drivers Wheel Clamp Revenge

Three Short Funny Parking Ticket Snippets

One driver was in a collision with a joy rider. His car was damaged and could not be driven. He received a parking ticket.
A driving instructor who got a parking ticket when his pupil ran into difficulties during a three-point turn.
Stephen McKenzie-McHarg of Australia only has one arm, thus it takes him a little longer than other motorists to unload his luggage at the airport. A traffic warden spotted his predicament and gave him a parking ticket.

Funny Parking Ticket Story

Eddie went out to buy a paper, and he was only gone for about three minutes. When he came out of the shop, a traffic warden was writing out a parking ticket. The car was on a double yellow line.

Eddie approached the warden and said smiling, ‘Give me a break, I was only away a minute.’

The warden just carried on writing out the parking ticket and completely ignored Eddie’s plea. Eddie, rather angry at being so openly ignored, called the warden, ‘A goose-stepping Nazi.’

The warden glared at Eddie and started writing another parking ticket, this time for having a smooth tire. Eddie called him an even ruder name. The traffic warden finished the second
ticket and put it on the windscreen alongside the first. Then he started writing a third ticket for a tiny hole in the windscreen! This went on for about twenty minutes, and you can see the result in the picture to the right.

The more Eddie insulted him, the more tickets the traffic warden wrote out and slapped on the windscreen.

Eddie did not care one bit. Eddie thought it funny because his car was safely parked on the top floor of the multi-story car park.

How to Dispute Parking Tickets

Collect evidence

Take pictures showing you did not infringe. For example, signs where letters have worn away. Obstructions, especially foliage.
Check dates, times, and locations one could be incorrect and thus get you off. (The sign may be too high to see.)
Photograph any markings – especially if they are worn and partly illegible.

Send a letter to the relevant department

Keep your letter to one side!
Make sure you post the letter before the penalty date (30 days).
Include any valid parking ticket. E.g. if fell off the dashboard.

Other Options for Disputed Parking Ticket

Seek a personal hearing. Especially if you have a good case.
Scour local websites for assistance. Official and unofficial sites may have a killer reason why parking tickets were invalid.
Contact a local journalist. They may even publish a funny parking ticket story, which will make you feel better.
Get over it. Pay your fine. Learn from your parking mistake – move on.

Scratch-Off Parking Tickets

Funny Sat-Nav

St. Hilary Sat Nav Problem

The Vale of Glamorgan council is pioneering a new road sign, which is designed to stop lorry drivers with Satellite Navigation from getting stuck in its country lanes.

The new Sat Nav road sign features a lorry with a red line through it, this is a familiar no-entry convention. What’s new is the is a picture of a satellite hovering above the vehicle. It should not take long for drivers to understand the sign, especially as lorry drivers have the world’s best grapevine for traffic news.

St. Hilary in the Vale of Glamorgan, South Wales, will be the first village to benefit from the trial of the Sat Nav (Satellite Navigation) road sign. The story within the story is that Guy lived in the village of St. Hilary, Glamorgan, Wales, UK for 20 years.

Residents in the area called for more signs, saying it was the third time that roads leading to St Hilary had been blocked in recent months. Although marked on the satellite maps as roads, the routes are little more than lanes. A related problem is that these lanes meander through steep-sided cuttings, and a lorry cannot force its way through. More foolishness is that the Sat Nav tries to direct 32-ton lorries through narrow roads with 90-degree bends flanked with stone walls.

Bill Clay, of Coed Hills farm, St. Hilary said, ‘I feel very sorry for them because they just don’t understand the signs.’ Hopefully, publicity such as this will enlighten the lorry drivers. Bill added, ‘There was a Spanish chap who had driven from Poland who was stuck in the lane
near our home for over two hours once.’

The signs will be monitored and maintained for a year, and there a plans to erect more Sat Nav signs in other locations in Wales (United Kingdom, not New South Wales Australia).

Will and Guy wonder why the Sat Nav companies don’t re-program their systems, and advise drivers of long, wide, and heavy vehicles to take the perfectly good alternative route. If the
Welsh Assembly know about the problem, why cannot they liaise with suppliers and ask the programmers to change a few lines of code?

Example: if vehicle width is greater than 2 Metres then don’t go through St. Hilary. Or if the road has a Sat Nav sign then take route B.

Will’s Funny Sat-Nav

Ever the Joker – here is Will’s international Sat Nav. The latest I heard he was in the South American jungle.

Walk-on Ferry Only (Sat Nav Error)

Another sat nav blunder is pointing hundreds of drivers to a bridge that has never existed. According to the dashboard devices, it is possible to drive down a country lane to cross the River Severn at Hampton Loade, Shropshire. At the end of the road, however, there was only a ferry for foot passengers – as a sign at the top of the lane has warned drivers for years.

The foot passenger ferry has been closed since May 2007.

Sat Nav Problems in Wiltshire

Drivers visiting Luckington, Wiltshire, have been getting that sinking feeling after trying to find a detour around a road closure in Sherston. Satellite navigation systems, together with misleading signs have been blamed after dozens of motorists tried to drive through a Ford at Brookend in Luckington.

Several lorries and vans have got stuck in up to three feet of water. Enterprising farmers have been towing out stricken vehicles at £25 a time.

One local resident has been helping stranded drivers to dry out. The lady said: ‘The other day my husband came home and I had to explain why there were a van driver’s trousers in our tumble dryer. He was sitting in his cab, shivering in his boxer shorts.’

Sat Nav Problem in Devon

A lorry driver who was led off course by his sat nav got his HGV so tightly wedged in a narrow country lane he had to spend three nights sleeping in his cab before being rescued.

Residents living near the scene in Ivybridge, near Plymouth, Devon, were astonished when the
LGV became wedged in the wooded lane last Friday evening. The Czech driver, who was in his forties and called Yuri, was on his way to pick up a consignment of TVs from a depot at nearby Lee Moor and was led up the lane that runs between the A379 and the A38 by his sat nav.

Unfortunately, Yuri who was driving a Kohlman and Hasek articulated lorry was unable to speak enough English to ask directions when he suspected he was being led into difficulty.

Mat Auburn, 19, whose family lives within yards of the scene said that there had been similar sat nav blunders in the past with delivery lorries – but nothing on this scale. Mat said: ‘What happened was he came up to one of the lanes leading off the A379.

‘He said the sat nav told him to come up the lane and he stopped near a house to ask directions but the woman couldn’t understand him so he carried on along the lane,’ he said.

‘But you wouldn’t drive any sort of lorry up there – it’s got a 90-degree turn. ‘The lorry was stopped in its tracks by an overhead pipe but could not back up. ‘When he tried to reverse the wheels just skidded – he just couldn’t get any grip,’ Mr Auburn said.

It was a lucky coincidence that Yuri’s truck had got stuck right in front of the Auburn family house as mum Marina, is Croatian and could speak enough Croat and Slavic-based language to understand him.

Over the course of the two days Mrs Auburn and her husband, Tim, a university lecturer, hosted lorry driver, Yuri, for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and struck up a friendship, which they plan to continue. However, Yuri, who has a wife and two children in the Czech Republic, slept in his cab, as it had a bed.

‘The nearest village is about a mile away and there were no B&Bs close,’ Mat said. ‘He slept in his cab. It had a bed in it so it made sense. ‘We looked after him for the rest of the time. He came in to eat.’

Mat said the Czech haulage company decided to wait until a weekday rather than attempting an expensive weekend rescue. Eventually, a tractor was hired to pull the lorry out of the lane, with the help of a tree surgeon, who made sure minimal damage was done to vegetation.

Mat added: ‘The lorry was a nuisance while it was there because locals do use it a lot. ‘The diversion put a few miles on people’s journeys.’

Does Your Sat-Nav Drive You Mad? or Does It Drive You Where You Want to Go?

Read on for a true, hilarious, and funny story:

This tale is almost impossible to believe but Will and Guy have been assured of its veracity.
Reported in the British Daily Telegraph newspaper we have discovered a lorry driver who, after trying to drive from Turkey to Gibraltar using sat-nav, finds himself some 1600 miles off course.

Necdet Bakimci was driving his 32-tonne lorry, carrying expensive cars, from Turkey to Gibraltar when he fetched up, lost, in Skegness, England. Apparently, there is a Gibraltar POINT in Skegness.

Eventually, Mr Bakimci arranged for his firm in Antakya, Turkey, to ship the cars to the correct destination from Birmingham and he began his journey home.

The blunder is one of a series that has prompted calls for drivers to use more common sense and less technology when taking to the roads. We must say that we agree with this sentiment entirely and we suggest that a modicum of planning might have helped.

Funny Stories About Cars And Clean One-Liners

Painting

One day, Jimmy knocks on the door of a home in an upper-class neighborhood. The lady of the house answers.’ Pardon me Ma’am’, Jimmy says, ‘I’m out of work and looking for any odd jobs that people need done. I’m very handy with everything from repairs to yard work, to painting…’

‘Painting?’ the woman jumped in.

‘Oh, yes, Ma’am! I’m a very careful painter, ‘Jimmy replied, his face brightening at the
the realization that she could provide him with some work.

‘I’ll tell you what. My husband just bought some green paint last week to paint the porch out back, but we haven’t had any time. If you can do a good job, then you can paint it before he gets home and surprise him.

‘Now, do a particularly good job and paint the trimmings white as well, and I’ll pay you an extra bonus.’

‘Oh yes, Ma’am, I’ll do an excellent job!’
She then told Jimmy where to find the paints around back in the garage.

A few hours later, Jimmy returns to the door.’ That was quick, did you do a good job?’ the woman inquires.

‘Oh yes Ma’am, two coats! But there’s something you should know, ‘Jimmy says.

‘That car is not a Porsche, it’s a Ferrari!’

Painter Meets His Maker

A painter and decorator has been thinning down his paint for years, but charging his clients the full price.

One day the vicar of the local church approaches him and asks him to paint the church. The painter and decorator thinks Yipeee – I’ll make a fortune here, lots of paint to thin down. He’s up the ladder painting away, thinking about how much money he is going to make when a storm sweeps in. A bolt of lightning hits him whilst he is on his ladder and he is thrown clear into the churchyard. A dark cloud moves above him and he fears that he is about to meet His Maker. He calls out and asks God what must he do to be given a second chance.

There is a roll of thunder and a voice booms from heaven – Re-paint, re-paint, and thin no more!!

Trivial information about cars:

The first cars did not have steering wheels, drivers steered with a lever
The New York City Police Department used bicycles to pursue speeding motorists in 1898
The first speeding ticket was issued in 1902
In 1916, over half [55%] of the cars in the world were Model T Fords, a record that has never been beaten
The first petrol gauge appeared in cars in 1922
By 1923, 173 new inventions by women for cars had been reported; these included a carburetor and an electric engine starter
The first car radio was invented in 1929
Buick introduced the first electric turn signals in 1938
The Peanuts characters were first animated in 1957 for a Ford automobile commercial
Most American car horns beep in the key of F
The automobile is the most recycled consumer product in the world today.

Funny car jokes

Matt was in the pub one night telling his friend how his uncle Arthur tried to build a new car for himself.

Firstly, Arthur took wheels from a Lamborghini, a radiator from a Ferrari, some panels and bumpers from a Porche…………’

‘Cripes,’ exclaimed Bob interrupting, ‘that sounds amazing. What did Arthur end up with?’
Matt replied calmly, ‘Two years inside.’

Red Ferrari Car – Funny Pictures About a Horse in a Ferrari?

1. Ferrari Overtakes

Son to his Father: – ‘ Dad, a Ferrari, is that a red car with a horse ?’

– ‘Yes my Son, why ?’

‘I think a Ferrari is just about to overtake us on our right side’ …..

2. An unnamed Formula 1 Team

The unnamed Formula 1 Team sacked its entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed their decision to take advantage of the UK Government’s Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Liverpool.

The decision to hire the teenagers was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Liverpool area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than six seconds without proper equipment, whereas Formula 1’s existing crew can only do it in eight seconds with millions of Euros worth of high tech equipment.

However, Formula 1 may have got more than they bargained for. At the crew’s first practice session, the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tires in under six seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the ***** Team for eight bottles of Stella, a kilo of speed, and some photos of M******’s bird in the shower.

3. Skeleton Car

Note the double-wishbone suspension and bone-shaker seats. Will and Guy also think that it may be parked on the hard shoulder.

Funny pictures, evocative images, amusing photos. Have a chuckle, and find a picture that brings a smile to your face. Will and Guy hope that our pictures can make you laugh.

The Funny Volkswagen Beetle

The Volkswagen Beetle or Bug has become a cult car. Built between 1938 and 2003 it has been chosen by many as ‘The’ car to customise. Will and Guy offer this presentation as an enjoyable example of creativity and imagination.

Classic 1961 Volkswagen

Translated from German, Volkswagen means car of the people. In 1938 Hitler showed great interest in producing a car for 1,000 marks and was responsible for changing the name to KdF Wagen. (Kraft durch Freude) which means “Strength through Joy.” However, the Second World War meant that the factory switched production to military vehicles.

Fewer than 800 KdF Wagen were produced before 1945. It was only in 1946 that the name Volkswagen was adopted and production reached 1,000 cars per month.

Yellow Peril – Custom Volkswagen

Gold Leaf – Special Edition of the Volkswagen

Ideal for the ‘Pearly King and Queen’.

PowerPoint Presentation of the Volkswagen, The People’s Car

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Here are the funny Volkswagen pictures in the PowerPoint Presentation

VW – The People’s Car
Volkswagen Type 1. 1961
The Yellow Peril
Wouldn’t you like one of these?
Red Bull
The Ladybird
Bunny Beetle
Psychedelic Beetle
This is a hard one to follow *
The Black Bug
Classic Black Beetle
Rolls Royce Beetle
Flying Saucer Bug
The Green Bug
The Fine Weather Bug
Volkswagen Limousine
Special Edition – Gold Leaf

9. This is a hard one (VW) to follow

The Wizard of New Zealand kindly wrote in saying that he was the proud owner of this Beetle. Incidentally, Sir Ian McKellen who played Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings called upon the Wizard of New Zealand to pick up pointers for the film.

See the Wizard’s site with Sir Ian McKellen

Funny Volkswagen – Flower Car of the 1960s

Volkswagen Urban Myth

Two 18-wheeler trucks were both driving on the same carriageway of Interstate 8 near Yuma. Unfortunately, one was heading east, while the other was heading west. Predictably, the two trucks smashed into one another and both drivers died instantly.

The recovery services took the trucks to a junkyard in Yuma. After about a week the wreckage began to smell. It got worse every day. they got out the blow torches and when they prized the two trucks apart, there was a classic VW ‘Bunny Beetle’ with a dead fox in the driver’s seat.