A definition of retirement: You get up in the morning with nothing to do, and go to bed at night having only done half of it.
Guy’s Favorite Retirement Joke
A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled-up newspaper around his head.
Wife: ‘What are you doing dear?’
Husband: ‘Swatting flies – I got 3 males and 2 females’
Wife: ‘How on earth do you know which gender they were?’
Husband: ‘Easy – 3 were on the beer, and the other 2 were on the phone’
Seven Retirement One-liners to Work into Your Leaving Speech
- Active socially: Drinks heavily.
- Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
- Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
- Internationally known: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
- Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
- Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
- Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn’t mind spending someone else’s money.
Three More Helpful Retirement Jokes
- The question isn’t at what age I want to retire, it’s at what income. George Foreman
- There is an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. Peter F. Drucker
- I have never liked working. To me, a job is an invasion of privacy. Danny McGoorty, Irish Pool Player
Albert’s Leaving Presentation
Today we would like to thank Albert for his service to our company. Albert is someone who does not know the meaning of an impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, who does not understand the meaning of the word no. So we clubbed together and bought Albert a dictionary.
A. A. A. D. D. – Classic Retirement Syndrome
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests itself:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and noticed that the bin is full.
So, I decided to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.
But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque (check) book off the table and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are on my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of coke that I had been drinking.
I’m going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye: they need to be watered.
I place the Coke down on the work surface, and I discover the reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decided to put it back in the lounge where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.
I pour some water into the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, got some towels, and wiped up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
- The car isn’t washed.
- The bills aren’t paid.
- There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the work surface.
- The flowers don’t have enough water.
- There is still only one cheque in my checkbook.
- I can’t find the TV remote.
- I can’t find my glasses and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I tried to figure out why nothing got done that day, I was baffled because I knew I was busy all day long, and I was really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help with it, but first I’ll check my e-mail.
PS. I just remembered I left the water running………………………………..
Addendum The main problem Will and Guy have encountered collecting funny retirement jokes is that by the nature of the subject, most people have forgotten the funniest retirement stories.
Senior Texting Codes
* CBM – Covered by Medicare
* CUATSC – See You at the Senior Center
* FWBB – Friend with Beta Blockers
* GGPBL – Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA – Got Heartburn Again
* IMHO – Is My Hearing Aid On?
* LMDO – Laughing My Dentures Out
* LWO – †Lawrence Welk’s On
* OMMR – On My Massage Recliner
* OMSG – Oh My! Sorry, Gas
* TTYL – Talk to You Louder
* WAITT – Who Am I Talking To?
* WTP – Where’s the Prunes?
Hope this helps. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)
† Lawrence Welk – 1950s American musician, accordionist and bandleader.
More Jokes Suitable for Retirement Speeches
Memory Test
Three elderly men, Eddie, Jenkin, and Martin men go to the doctor’s for their memory test. It’s a miracle they remembered the appointment! Anyway, the doctor begins by asking Eddie, “What is five times five?” “191,” is his reply.
The doctor rolls his eyes looks up at the ceiling, and says to Jenkin, “It’s your turn. What is five times five?”
“Wednesday,” replies Jenkin man.
The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, “Okay Martin it’s your turn. What’s five times five?” “Twenty-five,” says Martin.
“That’s great!” says the doctor. “How did you get your answer?” “Easy,” says Martin, “just subtract 191 from Wednesday.”
Retirement Speech Jokes, Also Suitable for Appraisals
- He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
- She got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- This man has delusions of adequacy.
- Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; but she only gargles.
- When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
Don’t Mess with the Elderly
Myra Rhodes, a little old lady living in Great Baddow, Essex, answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
‘Good morning, Ma’am,’ said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.’
‘Go away!’ said Myra brusquely. ‘I’m broke and haven’t got any money,’ and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ‘Don’t be too hasty,’ he commanded. ‘Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.’ And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure
onto her hallway carpet.
‘Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.’
Myra stepped back and said with a smile, ‘Well let me get you a spoon, young man because they cut off my electricity this morning.’
The Story of The Retired Husband at Tesco
Dear Mrs. Marsh,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr Joseph Marsh has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning your entire family from shopping in any of our stores nationwide.
We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our workers are attending counseling for the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr Marsh have been compiled and are listed below:
Memo: Re – Mr Joseph Marsh
Complaints – Things Mr. Joseph Marsh has done while his wife was shopping in our store:
- June 22: Took 18 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s trolleys when they weren’t looking.
- July 4: Set all the alarm clocks in the household department to go off at 5-minute intervals.
- July 9: Made a trail of tomato ketchup on the floor leading to the toilets.
- July 21: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, ‘Code 5’ in fruit and veg….. and then watched what happened.
- September 14: Moved a ‘ CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
- September 17: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in for a
cup of tea if they would bring pillows from the bedding department. - September 29: When a shelf stacker asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and demands, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’
- October 31: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose in a disgusting fashion.
- December 2: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme tune.
- December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled ‘ Pick me! Pick me!’
- December 23: When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams, ‘NO! NO! It’s those voices again!’
- And; last, but not least!
- December 24: Went into a fitting room in the clothing department, shut the door, and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, ‘There is no toilet paper in here!’
Do you think that Mr Marsh’s retirement story is a true story or a hoax? Will and Guy are not sure.
Three Old Men
Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.
‘I would like my grandchildren to say, ‘He was successful in business’, declared the first man.
‘Fifty years from now, ‘said the second, ‘I want them to say, ‘He was a loyal family man’
.
Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, ‘So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?’
‘Me?’ the third man replied. ‘I want them all to say, ‘He certainly looks good for his age!’
Classic Proposal
Maurice, aged 87, was very contented living in the Alpha Nursing Home just outside Stubbington, Hampshire, England. After meeting Edna, 76, he grew even happier and fell deeply in love. Only yesterday Maurice plucked up the courage, got down on his knees, and told her there were two things he would like to ask her.
Edna smiled and replied, ‘Alright.’ Maurice asked softly, ‘Will you marry me?’
Delighted, Edna answered him, ‘Yes.’ She then asked Maurice what his second question was. He replied, ‘Edna, will you please help me to get up?’
Vintage Classified Adverts
Youngsters aren’t the only people who take out personal ads. Seniors do too! And they have a sense of humor as well. Here are funny classified ads placed by actual senior citizens in Florida plus a few from Arizona.
- Male, 1922, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, and valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.
- A recent widow who has just buried her fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, and shortness of breath are not a problem.
- I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga, and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out, and enjoy quiet times.
- Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob, and caramel candy.
- I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights, and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
- Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80’s, slim, 5′ 4″ (used to be 5′ 6″), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belts are a plus.
- I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.
- 80-year-old, bubbly, no assets, seeks a handsome, virile Jewish male under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can’t I?
- Wanted: Bonded escort, silver-haired (not dyed), two days a week for three active ladies, eighty-plus. Should look rich (but not too rich). Politically conservative. Good bridge player and waltzer. Sharp enough
to handle six Bingo cards at once. Prefer chauffeur’s license, L.P.N., and Black Belt in karate.
We hope they each found someone!
Grandma’s Pizza Delivery
Retirement Speech Tips
Do practice your retirement speech until you can recite it naturally and without hesitation. To gain extra confidence, find out precisely at which point during the reception you should deliver the speech.
While I concede that these stories may not be perfect for your victim, sorry I mean colleague, you could change a few words and thus create an amusing anecdote.
Another Funny Retirement Story
Will and Guy are led to believe that the following job application is a real one submitted by an elderly retired gentleman aged 74, to a national DIY retailer in Ipswich, Suffolk, UK. Word is that they have employed him.
We have changed the name to protect the guilty.
NAME: Brian Walker [also known as Grumpy Bastard].
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying in the first place – would I?
DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 [$295,000] a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and Post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be ‘Do you have a car that runs?’
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader’s Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job – no! On my breaks – yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE: ….7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
You Can’t Keep a Good Old’un Down
Rosa and Arthur, now well into their 80’s, went to breakfast at Bert’s Café where the “seniors’ special” was two eggs, bacon, hash browns, and toast for $2.99.
‘Sounds good,’ murmured Rosa. ‘But I don’t want eggs.’
‘Then I’ll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you’re ordering à la carte,’ the waitress warned her.
‘You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?’ Rosa spluttered. ‘Yes.’ stated the waitress.
‘I’ll take the special then.’ Rosa eventually decided, smiling at Arthur.
‘How do you want your eggs?’ the waitress asked. ‘Raw and still in the shell,’ Rosa answered with a glint in her eye.
Rosa took the two eggs home.
Moral of the story: You can’t keep a good old’un down.
Retirement sing along to the tune of:
You remember: the tune from ‘The Sound of Music’
Rennies and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Zimmers and handrails new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses,
Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts, and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy meals or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads, hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinning,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinning,
More of the pleasures maturity brings-
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
I simply remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel… so bad.
- ‘It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.’ Scott Elledge.
Funny Retirement Quotes
- ‘The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.’ Anonymous
- He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which. Douglas Adams
- ‘I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.’ Charles Lamb.
- ‘When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.’ R C Sherriff.
- ‘Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.’ Will Rogers, Autobiography, 1949.
- ‘It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.’ Scott Elledge.
- ‘When one door closes, another one opens, but we often look so long and regretfully at the closed door that we fail to see the one that has opened for us.’ Alexander Graham Bell.
- ‘Forever, and forever, farewell, Cassius! If we do meet again, why, we shall smile; If not, why then this parting was well made.’ William Shakespeare.
- ‘Few men of action have been able to make a graceful exit at the appropriate time.’ Malcolm Muggeridge
- ‘A man is known by the company that keeps him on after retirement age.’ Anon
- ‘There’s one thing I always wanted to do before I quit…retire!’ Groucho Marx
- ‘I’ve lit the blue touch paper and found there’s nowhere to retire to.’ Doctor Who
More Funny Quotes About Retirement
- Retirement kills more people than hard work ever did – Malcolm Forbes
- The money’s no better in retirement but the hours are – Anonymous
- Retirement without the love of letters is a living burial – Seneca
- I have never liked working. To me, a job is an invasion of privacy – Danny McGorty
- Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it – Gene Perret
- Except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did – Robert Benchley
- I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day. – Gene Perret
- A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job – Ella Harris
- What do gardeners do when they retire? – Bob Monkhouse
Will and Guy’s Ten Clean and Short Retirement Speech Funnies
You Are Probably Retired If…
- You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
- You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.
- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
- Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
- You step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
- Getting “lucky” means you remember where you left your car in the car park.
- Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt; doesn’t work.
- You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
- You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.
- You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.
Will claims he particularly suffers from numbers 3, 4, and 5.
Funny Retirement Sayings (Also Suitable for Appraisals)
- He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
- She got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- This man has delusions of adequacy.
- Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; but she only gargles.
- When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
Retirement Question and Answer Session
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: Six Saturdays, One Sunday
Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Amusing Snippets for Those Giving up Working
- Age is important only if you’re wine or cheese – Unknown
- My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that’s the law – Jerry Seinfeld
- There is no sense in being pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway – Unknown
If My Body Was a Car – Effects of Retirement
If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull … But that’s not the worst of it…….
- My headlights are out of focus and it’s especially hard to see things up close…….
- My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather……
- My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins…..
- It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
- My fuel rate burns inefficiently……
But here’s the worst of it:
- Almost every time I sneeze, cough, or sputter: either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires
More Funny Retirement Sayings
What the Professions Say About Retiring:
Amusing quotes from experts, they inspire Will and Guy to …. retire!
- Golfers never retire, they just lose their drive.
- Lumberjacks never retire, they just pine away.
- Accountants don’t retire, they just lose their balance.
- Bank managers don’t retire, they just lose interest.
- Vehicle mechanics? They retire every day.
- Teachers don’t retire, they just mark time.
- Roofers don’t retire, they just wipe the slate clean.
- Engineers never retire, they just lose their bearings.
- Beekeepers never retire, they just buzz off.
- Musicians never retire, they just decompose.
- Farmers never retire, they just go to seed.
- Watchmakers never retire, they just wind down.
- Academics never retire, they just lose their faculties.
- Painters never retire, they just put a gloss on it.
- Tree surgeons never retire, they just branch out.
Ten Ways In Which You Know You Are Over the Hill
- You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
- You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.
- At the breakfast table, you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not eating cereal.
- Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
- The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
- It takes twice as long to look half as good.
- You step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
- ‘Getting lucky’ means you remember where you left your car in the car park.
- The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
- You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.
A Lovely Retirement Poem
Train of Life
Some folks ride the train of life
Looking out the rear,
Watching miles of life roll by,
And marking every year.
They sit in sad remembrance,
Of wasted days gone by,
And curse their life for what it was,
And hang their head and cry.
But I don’t concern myself with that,
I took a different vent,
I look forward to what life holds,
And not what has been spent.
So strap me to the engine,
As securely as I can be,
I want to be out on the front,
To see what I can see.
I want to feel the winds of change,
Blowing in my face,
I want to see what life unfolds,
As I move from place to place.
I want to see what’s coming up,
Not looking at the past,
Life’s too short for yesterdays,
It moves along too fast.
So if the ride gets bumpy,
While you are looking back,
Go up front, and you may find,
Your life has jumped on the track.
It’s all right to remember,
That’s part of history,
But up front’s where it’s happening,
There’s so much mystery.
The enjoyment of living,
Is not where we have been,
It’s looking ever forward,
To another year and ten.
It’s searching all the byways,
Never should you refrain,
For if you want to live your life,
You gotta drive the train!
Author Unknown
