Sports Jokes - Funny Jokes

Clean Golf Jokes & Funny golfing short stories – Golf one-liners

If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf. – Bob Hope

Great Golf One-liners:

Golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture: Winston Churchill
It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course: Babe Ruth
Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn’t a lot of strokes when you consider the course: Lee Trevino
These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow: Sam Snead
If you’re caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron: Lee Trevino
The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music: Anon
I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk, and a moose: Gerald Ford
After all these years, it’s still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye: Chi Chi Rodriguez

Cheating Golfer Jokes

Golf Partner

Alex comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife, Amanda asks why he doesn’t include John Gumby in the games anymore. Alex asks, ‘Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears outrageously over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?’

‘Of course, I wouldn’t,’ states Amanda.

‘Well,’ mutters Alex, ‘neither does John Gumby.’

More Clean Golf Jokes – Mr Angry – Golfing

A very angry golfer was on his way to carding a round of 150. He turned to his caddy and said, You must be the worst caddy in the world.’

‘That would be too much of a coincidence, sir’, answered the caddy in a quiet voice.

Golfing Priest

A young man and a priest are playing golf together. At a short par 3 the priest asks, ‘What are you going to use on this hole, my son?’

The young man says, ‘An iron, father. How about you?’

The priest says, ‘I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.’

The young man hits his iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, ‘I don’t know about you, father, but in my church when we pray we keep our heads down.’

Golf – Below Par?

After a particularly bad round of golf, Robert decided not to go to the nineteenth hole [the clubhouse bar] and started to go straight home.

As he was walking to the golf car park to get his Range Rover, a policeman stopped him and asked, Did you tee off on the seventeenth hole about twenty minutes ago?’

‘Yes’, Robert answered

‘Did you happen to slice your ball so that it went over the trees and out of bounds and completely off the golf course?’

‘Yes, I did. How did you know?’ Robert questioned.

‘Well’, said the policeman gravely’, Your golf ball flew out onto the main road and crashed through the windscreen of a BMW. The car driver lost control and crashed into six other cars and a fire engine. The fire engine was unable to reach the fire in time and the building burned down. Now, what do you intend to do about it?’

Robert thought it over very carefully and responded, I think I’ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip, and lower my right thumb.’

Classic Golf Joke

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

‘How was he killed?’ asked one detective. ‘With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied.

‘A golf gun? What’s a golf gun?’

‘I don’t know, but it sure made a hole in Juan.’

Funny Golf Phone Calls

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o’clock?
Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.
Caller: What’s the next time after that?
Staff: We have one at 10:22.
Caller: We’ll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.

New Golf Rules

The Veterans Golf Association has negotiated with The Royal and Ancient Golf Club, based in St Andrews, Scotland to modify the Rules of Golf for Seniors

Rule 1.a.5

A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The senior should not be penalized for tall grass which groundskeepers failed to mow.

Rule 2.d.6 (b)

A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.

Rule 3.b.3(g)

There shall be no such thing as a lost ball The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty.

Rule 4.c.7(h)

If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.

Rule 5.

Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.

Rule 6.a.9(k)

There is no penalty for so-called “out of bounds.” If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.

Rule 7.g.15(z)

There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior golfers should not be penalized for manufacturers’ shortcomings.

Rule 8.k.9(s)

Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impracticable for many senior golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted from using old equipment.

Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes.

Ten Marvellously True But Very Funny Sayings about Golf

I’ll always remember the day I broke ninety. I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine – Bruce Lansky
They say golf is like life, but don’t believe them. It’s more complicated than that – Gardner Dickinson
I’m hitting the woods just great, but I’m having a terrible time getting out of them – Harry Tofcano
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks – Anon
I play in the low 80s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play – Anon
Putts get real difficult the day they hand out the money – Lee Trevino
The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil – Unknown
I’d like to see the fairways more narrow. Then everybody would have to play from the rough, not just me – Seve Ballesteros
If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball – Jack Lemmon
Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose – Winston Churchill

The Cadge

Every time, Peter, the man next door headed toward Paul’s house, Paul knew he was coming to borrow something, he was always doing so and it was driving him mad.

‘Peter won’t get away with it this time, ‘muttered Paul to Liz, his wife, ‘Watch this.’

‘Er, I wonder if you’d be using your hedge trimmer this morning?’ asked Paul the neighbor.

‘Crikey, I’m sorry, ‘said Paul with a smug look, ‘but the fact of the matter is, I’ll be using it all day.’

‘In that case, ‘smiled Peter, ‘you won’t be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?’

The Language of Golf

Phil Beale, a member at Gudge Heath Golf Club, has a 60-foot breaking putt and makes a bet stating that he has a dollar that says, ‘I can make this putt.’

Everyone takes him up on the bet. Phil duly misses the putt by 5 feet and says, ‘You all owe me a dollar.’

Of course, his golf mates all think he is crazy until Phil produces a dollar upon which he wrote, ‘I can make this putt.’

Will and Guy’s Top 10 Golf Caddy Comments

Golfer: Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.
Caddy: Think you can keep your head down that long?
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddy: Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.
Golfer: Do you think my game is improving?
Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.
Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?
Caddy: Eventually.
Golfer: You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.
Caddy: I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.
Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time.
It’s too much of a distraction.
Caddy: It’s not a watch – it’s a compass.
Golfer: How do you like my game?
Caddy: Very good sir, but I prefer golf.
Golfer: Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.
Golfer: This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.
Caddy: This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.
Golfer: That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.
Caddy: It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.

Ode to Golf

In My Hand, I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, And Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size, I Could Not Guess,
Or The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I’ve Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry,
And Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises Me A Thing Called Par,
If I Hit It Straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.

But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Disappears Before My Eyes.

Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It’s Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows … I’ll Be Back
Tomorrow.

Author unknown

Dangerous Golf Courses

If you’re caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron: Lee Trevino

The World’s Most Dangerous Golf Course

Play with Care!

Will and Guy feel that we have found the world’s most dangerous and frightening golf course. It can be found in the demilitarized zone between North and South Korea at Panmunjom.

The course is in Camp Bonifas and sadly only offers one hole: a 192-yard par 3. We can add that it provides the US soldiers, some 50-strong, with fun activities. We ought to include the fact that it has live landmines scattered throughout the rough!

“Danger! Do not retrieve balls from the rough; live mine fields” greets visitors before they step onto the course, which contains an AstroTurf putting green and, for some reason, a gun tower. The minefields surround the hole, and at least one mine is said to have exploded due to an errant slice.

The course was named after the late U.S. Army Captain Arthur Bonifas.

A Wild and Dangerous Course

A Perilous Sand Trap?

Tricky Golf Players

I’m hitting the woods just great, but I’m having a terrible time getting out of them – Harry Tofcano
The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil – Unknown
Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose – Winston Churchill
If you’re caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron: Lee Trevino
The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight. – Ben Hogan
The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie. – George Deukmejian

Husband Returns from Golf

I came home from the golf course today. The wife had left a note on the fridge:

“IT’S NOT WORKING, I can’t take it anymore! Gone to stay with my Mother.”

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.

What the hell is she talking about?

Funny Golf Cartoons and Golfing Trivia

Hold My Clubs!

Tip for Caddy?

It was a bitterly cold day on the Carnoustie golf course and Jimmy the caddy was expecting a large tip from his rich Scottish client. As they approached the clubhouse, Jimmy heard the words he was longing to hear, ‘This is for a hot glass of whisky.’

So the caddy held out his hand and the Scottish client put a sugar cube in his palm.

Will and Guy’s Top Ten Golfing Trivia and Interesting Fun Facts

Golf balls were originally made of wood. Later, they were made from boiled feathers stuffed into stitched leather known as “featheries”. The modern, and cheaper, golf ball filled with gutta-percha was not developed till 1848.
There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
Balls travel significantly further on hot days. A golfer swinging a club at around 100 mph will carry the driver up to eight yards longer for each increase in air temperature of 25°F.
Approximately 20 million golf balls are lost in water hazards in the UK each year.
Phil Mickelson, who plays left-handed, is right-handed. He learned to play golf by mirroring his father’s golf swing, and he has used left-handed golf clubs ever since.
The chances of making two holes-in-one in a round of golf are one in 67 million.
The youngest golfer to shoot a hole-in-one, known to Will and Guy, was Coby Orr, who was five years old at the time. It happened in Littleton, Colorado, USA, in 1975. That is unless you know better. Tiger Woods was 8 years old says Will.
Golf was banned in Scotland from 1457 to 1502 to ensure citizens wouldn’t waste time when preparing for an English invasion.
80% of all golfers will never achieve a handicap of less than 18.
Golfers use an estimated $800 million worth of golf balls annually. [Approx £52 million]

More Funny Golfing Cartoons

Golf Swindler

While sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Padraig remarked to a fellow club member’, I’m not going to play golf with Jim Lawler anymore. He cheats.’

‘Why do you say that?’ asked his friend.

‘Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green’, replied Padraig indignantly.

‘That’s entirely possible’, commented his friend.

‘Not when I had his golf ball in my pocket’, retorted Padraig with finality.

Golfing Trivia From The Famous

Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn’t a lot of strokes when you consider the course: Lee Trevino
If you’re caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron: Lee Trevino
The oldest golf club in the world is St Andrews, Scotland, which was founded in 1552.

Hole in One – Golfing Trivia

I guess golf is a lot of fun
There in the Valley of the Sun,
But it pays to be smart like a fox
And carry an extra pair of socks,
In case you make a hole in one.

Funny Golf Pictures

Fancy a Round of Golf?

I hope they are playing with orange golf balls!

Choose Your Golf Club Carefully

You are 150 yards from the green. You are 200 yds from a $200 glass window. Choose your club carefully!

Will and Guy’s Type of Golf Course

Keep of the Grass! – Funny Golf Picture!

Golfer: Golf is a funny game
Caddy: Aye, but it’s not meant to be.

One Way of Keeping of the Grass!

Guy thinks he should take an iron and not a driver. Will thinks he is on the ladies tee.

Golf Handicap

Ralph was a smooth operator, and at Southwick Golf Club’s annual dance, he attached himself to the prettiest lady golfer in the room and began boasting to her.

‘You know,’ smarmed Ralph, ‘they’re all afraid to play me. What do you think my handicap is?’

‘Well, where do you want me to start, Ralph ?’ Came her quick response.

Golf and Beer?

Take a good look at this picture then read the paragraph underneath.

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man (see above) who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars, and asked, ‘If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?’ No, I had to stop drinking years ago, ‘the homeless man replied.

‘Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?’ the man asked.’ No, I don’t waste time fishing, ‘the homeless man said. ‘I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.’

‘Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?’ the man asked. ‘Are you NUTS!’
replied the homeless man. ‘I haven’t played golf in 20 years!’

‘Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?’ the man asked.’ What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?’ exclaimed the homeless man.

‘Well, ‘said the man, ‘I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.’ The homeless man was astounded.’ Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.’

The man replied, ‘That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and women.’

More Funny Golfing Pictures

Who’s For a Game of Golf? … And a Drink?

Drink and drive golf range.

Will’s only complaint is that the golf drink should be Bell’s whisky.

If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt. – Dean Martin

Golf Lessons ABC

A) Stephanie Clarke was taking her first golfing lesson.

‘Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?’ she asked her instructor.

‘P-u-t-t is correct,’ he replied. ‘Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.’

B) Now’, said the golf pro, ‘suppose you just go through the motions without hitting the ball.’

‘But that’s precisely the difficulty I’m trying to overcome’, said Stephanie.

C) The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end u behind you.

Another Batch of Amusing Golf Photos

Play Golf Free

Play golf FREE – While having your suit pressed.

Dave Barry

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Golf Is Art

A Hare Interrupts US Ryder Cup Golfers

I’m a hare. Which one of you golfers is the rabbit?

Funny Golf Stories

Will’s Favourite Golf Story

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the Crookhorn municipal golf course in England, and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse tannoy: ‘WOULD THE GENTLEMAN ON THE WOMAN’S TEE BACK UP TO THE MEN’S TEE PLEASE.’

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement rang out louder, Would the MAN on the WOMEN’S tee kindly back up to the men’s tee.’

I simply ignored the request and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled’, Would the man on the woman’s tee back up to the men’s tee, PLEASE.’

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the microphone, and shouted back, Would the person in the clubhouse kindly stop shouting and let me play my second shot?

Ladies Tea?

Ladies’ golf course conditions:

Have done the dishes
Have you done the washing?
Have you cooked your husband’s tea?

If you have done these simple tasks, you may proceed.

Ninety-year-old West Yorkshire Woman Hits Hole-in-one

Mary Tattersall was 88 years old when she first took up golf. Now, at the age of 90, she has amazed her fellow golfers by hitting a hole-in-one.

Mary made the 181yd [165m] shot on the second hole at Shay Grange Golf Centre in Heaton near Bradford, Yorkshire, England.

Will and Guy have learned that she felt amazed and stunned to have achieved the feat.

Mary was given a special trophy by the club to mark her success on the par three hole.

Fascinating Golf Sign

Here is a golf story from the Second World War [1939-1945], a time when many Golf courses in the UK were given over to growing vegetables for a beleaguered population.

However, nothing, not even war, could stop the British from playing golf as this list of rules indicates. Here in outer London, England, in Richmond, Surrey, we have searched the history archives and found this sign which was
placed around the Richmond Golf course warning players of war-related problems.

Will and Guy have been unable to ascertain whether this document is accurate or not. If it isn’t then it ought to be says Will.

Golf In World War II

German aircraft from Norway would fly on missions to northern England; because of the icy weather conditions, the barrels of their guns had a small dab of wax to protect them. As they crossed the coast, they would clear their guns by firing a few rounds at the golf courses. Golfers were urged to take cover.

** Richmond Golf Club **

* Temporary Rules 1940 *

1. Players are asked to collect bombs and shrapnel to avoid causing damage to the mowing machines

2. In competitions, during gunfire players may take cover without incurring a penalty for ceasing playing.

3. The positions of known delayed action bombs are marked with red flags.

4. Shrapnel may be moved on the fairway, or in the bunkers, without penalty.

5. A ball moved or destroyed by enemy action, can be replaced without penalty provided it’s not nearer the hole.

6. A player whose stroke is affected by a bomb exploding may play another ball from the same place. Penalty one stroke. [A little harsh?]

God and St Peter Decided on a Round of Golf in Heaven

Peter is a testament to material values, decked out as he is in the latest golf fashion, with a brand new set of clubs and all the accouterments.

God, in contrast, is a picture of Virtue wearing his old gardening clothes and trailing a tatty old canvas bag with a real mixture of ancient and rusting clubs, some of which even have hickory shafts.

On the first hole, St Peter smacks a beauty 275 yards straight down the middle. God, however, tops his drive that trickles along the ground.

It only travels about 70 yards but just before it’s about to stop a rabbit runs out of the gorse, grabs the ball in its mouth, and hurtles off down the fairway while St Peter watches in astonishment.

Before the rabbit can reach safety, however, a magnificent eagle swoops down and snares the rabbit in its talons before rising majestically, the rabbit still struggling in its grasp but defiantly holding the golf ball in its mouth.

As the eagle soars over the green a bolt of lightning from a clear blue sky strikes it, killing the bird instantly. It drops the rabbit, which in turn drops the golf ball, which strikes a sprinkler head at the side of the green and takes one bounce straight into the hole for an ace on a par-5 hole.

St Peter slowly turns and says to God: ‘Are you going to show off all day or are we here to play golf?’

Amazing Golfing Feat

Elgin Golfer Scores Hole-in-One Twice in One Round.

We have a report of a golfer who has defied estimated odds of 67 million-to-one to score two holes-in-one in the same round. Mr. Rob Tyson had never managed a hole-in-one before his double recently Will and Guy have discovered. The 67-year-old used his six iron to score his first ace on the fourth hole, then took nine shots on the next due to the excitement.

However, he more than made up for the blip when he used the six iron again for another hole-in-one on the seventh. Mr Tyson is reported to have said, ‘I’ve been playing golf for 35 years and have never had a hole-in-one.’

Will and Guy congratulate Mr Tyson on his amazing feat.

Desert Island Castaway

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, Where did you come from? How did you get here?’ She replies’, I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.’ Amazing’, he notes.’ You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.’ Oh, this thing?’ explains the woman. ‘I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.’

‘But, where did you get the tools?’ Oh, that was no problem’, replied the woman.’ On the south side of the island, a very
unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.’ The guy is stunned.

‘Let’s row over to my place’, she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, she can only stare ahead, dumb-struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?’ No! No thank you’, he blurts out, still dazed. ‘I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.’ It’s not coconut juice, winks the woman. ‘I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?’ Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces’, I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.’ No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end inside a swivel mechanism.

‘This woman is amazing’, he muses.’ What next?’ When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

‘Tell me’, she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him’, We’ve been out here for many months. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you feel like doing right now, something You’ve been longing for?’ She stares into his eyes.

He can’t believe what he’s hearing.’ You mean .. ‘ he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.

‘Don’t tell me you’ve built a Golf Course!!!’

Why Does a Golfer Need Two Pairs of Trousers? In Case He Has a Hole in One!

It’s the most glorious happening in the game of golf. It’s what every golfer dreams about. A hole-in-one. Will and Guy have learned of a man who has recorded five holes-in-one in a week. Yes, indeed, FIVE. Central Illinois amateur golfer Curt Hocker, who plays at the El Paso Golf Club, is that man.

The 22-year-old has recorded five holes-in-one in the last week, including two on Saturday. Mr Hocker has seven aces: five on par-4s, and two other double eagles.

We are pleased to be able to tell our readers that Curt Hocker is very glad that his club membership comes with ‘hole-in-one insurance.’ That ‘insurance’ means the club, and not Hocker, has to honor the golf tradition of buying everyone in the clubhouse a drink after an ace is made.

‘I think the golf course is getting mad at me for all the drinks,’ Hocker said. ‘It’s hard to talk about, but it’s awesome to have it happen.’

Golf and the Barn Door

A lovely afternoon finds Rod and his wife, Phoebe playing a round of golf. They have had a wonderful time and Rod has had a near-perfect game. The final hole, by far the most difficult, wraps around an old barn.

With a terrible slice, Rod puts the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it will take to get around the barn will destroy his score, he begins to rant and rave.

Phoebe, hating to see him ruin such a great afternoon makes a suggestion. ‘What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green.’

Rod thinks this over and decides that it will work. With Phoebe holding open the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the ball a terrific “whack”. The ball shoots through the air and right into the head of his wife, killing her instantly.

Months go by, the man mourning all the while. His friends, hating to see him in such a state, convince him to go golfing with them. They end up at the same course and on the final hole, oddly enough; another terrible slice puts the old barn between his ball and the green. Again he begins to rant and rave at what this dilemma will do to his score.

His friend, wanting to please him, makes a suggestion. ‘What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green.’

‘No, don’t do that,’ says Rod, ‘last time I did that I got two over par.’

Funny Golfing Quotes

Funny Comments and Golfing Truisms

Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it!
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent’s luck.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is the beginning of the next group of three.
The less skilled the player the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is probably not yours.
Golf balls are like eggs; they’re white, and they’re sold by the dozen. Also, you need to buy fresh ones each week.
Never try to keep more than 200 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty-foot putt: for a 10.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut Rules of Golf.
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Hazards attract, and fairways repel.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.

Things You Will Never Hear a Woman Say
About Golf

I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
Listen, I make enough money for both of us. Why don’t you retire and get that nagging handicap down to a 5 or 6?
I’d rather watch golf and drink beer with you than go shopping.
Forget the stupid Valentine’s Day thing and buy yourself new clubs.

Will and Guy’s Top Eighteen Celebrity Golf Quotes

The Front Nine

Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. – Grantland Rice
Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. – John Updike
It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. – Robert Lynd
If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. – Horace G. Hutchinson
They say golf is like life, but don’t believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. – Gardner Dickinson
If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they’d starve to death. – Sam Snead
Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. – William Wordsworth
If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even put. – Dean Martin
If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don’t have to waste energy going back to pick it up. – Tommy Bolt

The Back Nine – Funny Golf Quotes

Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one. – Bishop Sheen
I don’t say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced. – Arnold Palmer
My handicap? Woods and irons. – Chris Codiroli
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. – Pete Dye
I’m hitting the woods just great, but having a terrible time getting out of them! – Buddy Hackett
The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf. – Billy Graham
It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. – Mark Twain
Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. – Harry Vardon
May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters. – Ben Hogan

Funny Golf Club Phone Calls

It is hard to believe that these phone calls have been made by people who actually PLAY golf. We think that the callers should already know the answers. What do you think?

Club Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What are your green fees?
Club Staff: 38 dollars.
Caller: Does that include golf?

Receptionist: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Golfer: Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What’s the weather going to be like that day?

Receptionist: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I’m running late. Can you still get me out early?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?
Staff: You mean a driving range?
Caller: No, that’s not it.

Receptionist: Golf course, may I help you?

Golfer: Yes, I’d like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 o’clock and noon.
Receptionist: Between 12 o’clock and noon?
Golfer Yes.

Receptionist: We’ll try to squeeze you in.

More Funny Golf Phone Calls

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: How much to play golf today?
Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart.
Caller: 38 dollars?
Staff: No, 38 wampum.

Receptionist: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Receptionist: What time would you like?
Caller: What times do you have?
Receptionist: What time of the day?
Caller: Any time.
Receptionist: Morning or afternoon?
Caller: Whenever.

Receptionist: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller: No, I don’t think any of those times will work for me.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range. Would you like to buy them back?

Caller: Do you have a dress code?

Club Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
Caller: How about clothes?
Club Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls?
Staff: Sorry, we’re all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?
Staff: Sure, what time would you like?
Caller: Something between 9 o’clock and 10 o’clock. In the morning, if possible.

Another Batch of Amusing Phone Calls to Golf Clubs

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?
Staff: Yes, they’re 25 dollars.
Caller: How much to rent a bag?

Club Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he’s on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a large bucket?
Staff: Four dollars.
Caller: Does that include the balls?

Receptionist: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?
Receptionist: Yes, it’s 15 dollars after 2 o’clock.
Caller: And what time does that start?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I’d like some info about your golf course.
Staff: OK, what would you like to know?
Caller: I don’t know, that’s why I called.

Best Colemanballs David Coleman’s Bloopers

Not many commentators have had a new word named after them. David Coleman was the inspiration for calling commentary gaffes – Colemanballs. This term for a blooper was first used at the Montreal Olympics in 1976.

That’s the fastest time ever run – but it’s not as fast as the world record – David Coleman
A truly international field, with no Britons involved. – David Coleman
The Republic of China – back in the Olympic Games for the first time – David Coleman
The lineup for the final of the Women’s 400-meter hurdles includes three Russians, two East Germans, a Pole, a Swede, and a Frenchman. – David Coleman

Footnote This last entry seemed OK until I re-read the last three letters.

Colemanballs Raised to the Power x2

This is one of the most famous Colemanballs:

While describing an 800m race David Coleman said: ‘And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class’. The problem is that it was said by Ron Pickering! [Information kindly supplied by David Beale]

Best Colemanballs from Other Sports

While Colemanballs are primarily associated with David Coleman’s athletics commentaries, gaffes are to be found in most other sports, here are some of Will and Guy’s collection.

For those of you watching who do not have television sets, live commentary is on Radio 2. – Ted Lowe (Snooker)
Steve is going for the pink ball – and for those of you who are watching in black and white, the pink is next to the green. – Ted Lowe (Snooker)
Britain’s last gold medal was a bronze in 1952 in Helsinki. – Nigel Starmer-Smith
Born in America. John returned to his native Japan. – Mike Gratton
These Russian swimmers are determined to do well on American soil. – Anita Lonsborough
It’s raining and the track is wet! – Murray Walker (Grand Prix)

Yogi Berra

Naturally, Yogi Berra predates David Coleman, and it has to be said Yogi developed a style of homespun humor all of his own. It’s also worth remembering that Yogi was a baseball legend with New York Yankees back in the 1950s. And he still holds the record for winning the most World Series.

Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical.
Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?
It’s like déjà vu all over again.
It ain’t over ’til it’s over.
Never answer an anonymous letter.
His wife Carmen asked Yogi where he would like to be buried, to which he replied, “Surprise me!”

More Athletics Gaffes

The Americans sowed the seed, and now they have reaped the whirlwind. – Sebastian Coe
Cram nailed his colors to the mast and threw down the Great Pretender. – Ron Pickering
Mary Decker Slaney, the world’s greatest frontrunner, I shouldn’t be surprised to see her at the front. – Ron Pickering
Ingrid Kristiansen then smashed the world record, running the 5000 meters in 14:58.89. Truly amazing. Incidentally, this is a personal best for Ingrid Kristiansen. – David Coleman
She hasn’t run faster than herself before. – Zola Budd
…and finally, she tastes the sweet smell of success. – Ian Edwards

More Genuine Colemanballs

And there’s no ‘I love you’ message because Steve Ovett has married the girl. – David Coleman
We estimate, and this isn’t an estimation, that Greta Waitz is 80 seconds behind. – David Coleman
And with alphabetical irony Nigeria follows New Zealand. – David Coleman
He is accelerating all the time. That last lap was run in 64 seconds and the one before in 62. – David Coleman
He’s 31 this year. Last year he was 30. – David Coleman

A 2008 Tranche of Colemanballs

He’s a player you only miss when he’s not playing. – Graham Taylor
We are not as good as we think we are. We need to go out and prove that. – Steve McClaren
The fourth spot is what we are aiming for. We don’t want to be second best. – Phil Neville
Gary Neville was the captain and now Ryan Giggs has taken on the mantelpiece. – Rio Ferdinand
Football is like a roundabout. Sometimes you are up and sometimes you’re down. – Radio 5 Live reporter

Footnote: Please send us your best Colemanballs. For example, Bill Bayliss sent us this gem from the Paralympics: ‘They’re making great strides with their swimming’

Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds – totally against the run of play. – Peter Lorenzo

Funny Cricket Stories

Will and Guy are building a collection of funny cricket stories and amusing anecdotes, this is what we have so far…

Funny Cricket Stories

Frederick Sewards Trueman [6th February 1931 – 1st July 2006]

John Arlott, the poetic cricket commentator, raconteur, and wine enthusiast from Hampshire, wrote that Trueman approached the wicket ‘with the majestic rhythm that emerges as a surprise in the Spanish fighting bull’. Beginning at a steady pad, he gradually accelerated, hair flopping, until he completed his charge in an explosion of malevolent power.

Trueman rounded off this spectacle with histrionic gestures of despair, rage, or triumph.

Arguably the finest fast bowler that England [and of course Yorkshire] has produced, Freddie Trueman’s ability did not end there say Will and Guy. He was a splendid storyteller and would regale audiences with his “cricketing tales”.

Did You Know?

Trueman played football for Lincoln City and turned down professional terms to concentrate on cricket.

Some might argue that many of his stories were apocryphal; others might remark that it matters not since the tales are fun and indeed funny. We hope you will enjoy the items we have chosen to share with our readers here.

FS Trueman’s Fabulously Funny Cricketing Anecdotes ‘Owzat?

Trueman bowls. The batsman is trapped plumb LBW. Trueman appeals. Not out.

Next ball. Trueman was ever-so-slightly irritated. Trueman bowls. Audible snick, the ball deflects and sails upward, caught behind. Trueman appeals. Not out.

Third ball. Trueman was a little more irritated now. Trueman bowls. Through the gate, stumps spread-eagled, middle stump uprooted, and cartwheeling. Trueman turns to the umpire and says with a wry smile, ‘We nearly had him
that time, didn’t we?’

Religion

On the tour of Australia in 1962-63, the Reverend David Sheppard dropped several catches.

‘Kid yourself it’s Sunday, Rev,’ Trueman expostulated, ‘and keep your hands together.’

The humor of the Self-Deprecating Kind [unusual for Fred]

The scene was an Ashes test with England fielding ….. ‘I went back to my mark and hurtled into the wicket, a rap on the pads, Howzat? One for none.

I went back to my mark and hurtled into the wicket and the bails were off, two for none.

Then in came the great Sir Don Bradman. I went back to my mark and hurtled into the wicket, the ball was in the air, a fantastic catch on the long-on boundary, three for three hundred and seventy-six.

Headingley

On one occasion, an opposition batsman walking through the gate onto the outfield was told, ‘Don’t bother shutting it. You’ll be back soon.’

Versus Cambridge University

When a Cambridge University student FS Trueman had just bowled and said, ‘That was a very good ball, Mr. Trueman’, he responded allegedly with, ‘Ay, ’twas wasted on thee.’

I’m Good!

He enjoyed being told he was good, too, and along these lines, a lovely tale told by Richard Hutton reads as follows: after Freddie had returned yet another of his many five-wicket performances. ‘Well bowled, Fred,’ he said. ‘Outswingers, inswingers, bouncers, yorkers, you bowled the lot. Tell me, did you ever bowl a plain straight one?’

Quick as a flash came the reply, ‘Aye, one. But it was so fast it went through him like a dose of salt and knocked all three down.’

An allegedly true story about Fred on tour in the West Indies

Fred, at a reception during a tour of The West Indies, approached an elegant woman and made a pass at her.

She allegedly replied, ‘As a woman, Mr Trueman, I am extremely flattered. But, as the governor’s wife. I am outraged!’

Ten Funny and True Cricketing Quotes

Yorkshire 232 all out, Hutton ill – I’m sorry, Hutton 111. John Snagge, BBC News.
In the back of Hughes’ mind must be the thought that he will dance down the piss and mitch one. Tony Greig, Channel 9
It was close for Zaheer, Lawson threw his hands in the air and Marsh threw his head in the air. Jack Potter, 3UZ
Playing against a team with Ian Chappell as a captain turns a cricket match into gang warfare. Mike Brearley, 1980
‘The slow motion replay doesn’t show how fast that delivery was’. Richie Benaud
That tough cricketer Brian Close was fielding close to the wicket at short leg when the batsman produced a full-blooded pull shot and the ball hit the fielder hard on the side of his face. Amazingly it flew straight
up in the air and the batsman was caught at slip. ‘My God,’ said a worried fielder going up to check on Close. ‘What would have happened if he’d hit you right between the eyes?’ ‘In that case,’ growled Close, ‘the bloke would have been caught at cover.’
‘Ray Illingworth has just relieved himself at the pavilion end.’ Brian Johnston, BBC Radio
On the first day, Logie decided to change his arm and it came off. Trevor Bailey, Radio 3
Do you feel that the selectors and yourself have been vindicated by the result? I don’t think the press is vindictive. They can write what they want. Mike Gatting, ITV Sport
A cricketer’s life is a life of splendid freedom, healthy effort, endless variety, and delightful good fellowship. W.G. Grace

Hole In One?

More Funny Cricketing Tales

Bottle of Beer

Rahul was having a bad time. He played and missed at every ball and was becoming hotter and more flustered every minute. As the bowler was walking back; the batsman turned to the wicket-keeper. ‘Phew,’ Rahul said, ‘what couldn’t I do with a bottle of beer.’

The wicketkeeper thought for a moment. ‘Hit it with the bat?’

The New Batsman

Shane, a batsman was new to the side, and in his first innings, he did so badly that the crowd began to slow hand-clap and barrack him. Things got worse. The language got more and more abusive, his play more inept, and finally he was out. As he dashed for the pavilion, rotten fruit and eggs were thrown at him, but he managed to gain the safety of the dressing room, where the captain was waiting for him.

‘Blimey!’ panted the batsman, ‘they don’t like that umpire, do they?’

The Great Sir Vivian Richards

It was a county match in England between Somerset and Glamorgan. An unknown batsman with unknown talent, named Vivian Richards was at the crease. Greg Thomas, the Glamorgan fast bowler thundered in and beat the great man’s bat.

‘It’s red and it’s round. Can’t you see it?’, the bowler taunted Richards.

The next ball was an action replay. The ball pitched three-quarters of a length on middle and off, seamed away, and once again Richards was all at sea and comprehensively beaten.

‘It’s red and it’s round and it weighs four-and-a-half ounces. Can’t you see it?’, Greg Thomas quipped.

Richards took a stroll, summoned his powers of concentration, swung his arms around, took a fresh guard, and got ready for the next ball.

Greg Thomas came running in. The delivery was right in the slot, and Viv launched into one of his trademark shots and smashed the ball out of the ground and straight into the river that flowed around it.

The maestro told the hapless bowler who almost died watching the ball go, ‘You know what it looks like… now go and get it!’

Cricket in the UK

Bouncers

One of the most frightening exhibitions of fast-bouncing bowling ever seen at Old Trafford occurred in 1948 during the England -v- Australia Test match.

Lindwall was awesome. He almost paralyzed Compton’s left arm, then, with a “no-ball” so much over the crease that he let the ball go its vicious way far down the pitch, he struck Compton’s forehead as Compton tried to hook and the missile flew off the edge of his bat. Compton staggered and was led from the field, his forehead bleeding. Stitches were sewn into the wound. He wanted to resume his innings but was advised by a doctor to rest awhile. Bill Edrich held the fort bravely.

Compton, amazingly went to a net to find out if he could still see a quick ball, then resumed his Test match innings, stayed until the close of play, and the next morning carried his score to 145 not out.

As Wisden recorded, Lindwall bowled bouncers with such force and dangerous aim that during this season of 1948, he knocked out or hurt Compton, Todd, Washbrook [a great hooker], Keeton, Robertson, and Watkins.

Hilarious and Funny Cricketing One-Liners

Dennis Lillee once commented that the arrogant-natured Yorkshireman Geoff Boycott was, ‘The only fellow
I’ve met who fell in love with himself at an early age and has remained faithful ever since.’
The “Father of Cricket” WG Grace once bowled the first ball in an exhibition match. ‘They have come to watch me bat, not you bowl,’ he said, before replacing the bails and resuming his innings.
Daryll Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Shane Warne remarked that he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him.
‘Looks like you spent it eating,’ Cullinan retorted.
James Ormond [Leicestershire, Surrey, and England] had just come out to bat on an ashes tour and was greeted by Mark Waugh.
‘Look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here, there’s no way you’re good enough to play for England?’ JO :
‘Maybe not, but at least I’m the best player in my family.’

Sledging

During the 1991 Delaide Test, Javed Miandad commented that Merv Hughes looked like a fat bus conductor.

Big Merv dismissed the Pakistani soon after, allegedly running passed the batsman yelling ‘Tickets please!’

Poor Little Billy

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their Father did for a living. All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry, etc., etc. but Billy was uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his Father.

‘My Father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of the other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room, and let them sleep with him’.

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask if that was true. ‘No’ said Billy ‘he plays CRICKET for ENGLAND, but I was just too embarrassed to say’.

Cricket Heaven?

Michael Vaughan and Andrew [Freddie] Flintoff, now elderly, 85 and 82 years old, are sitting on a park bench outside Lord’s Cricket Ground feeding pigeons and talking about funny cricket moments, past Ashes series, and tours like they do every day.

Michael turns to Freddie and asks, ‘Do you think there’s cricket in heaven?’

Flintoff thinks about it for a minute and replies, ‘I dunno. But let’s make an agreement: if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s cricket in heaven and if you die first, you do the same.’ They shake hands on it. Sadly, a few months later, poor Freddie passes on.

One day soon afterward, Vaughany is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, ‘Michael…………….Michael’

Vaughan responds, ‘Freddie, is that you?’ Yes, it is, Michael, ‘whispers Freddie’s ghost.

Vaughany, still amazed, enquires, ‘So, is there cricket in heaven? ‘Well, ‘says Freddie, ‘I’ve got good news and bad news.’

‘Gimme the good news first, ‘says Vaughany.

Freddie opines, ‘Well… there is cricket in heaven.’

Vaughan says, ‘That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?’

Freddie sighs and whispers, ‘You are going to open the innings this Friday.’

Ten Ducks? Amusing Cricket Anectote

Table-topping Dishforth was expected to beat bottom-placed Goldsborough in the Nidderdale Amateur Cricket League, North Yorkshire, but not quite as easily as things turned out.

Goldborough 2nd X1 came close to setting an unwanted record after ten batsmen were out for a duck. Not one of the Goldsborough players scored a single run; although they did clock up five extras.

Their opponents quickly knocked off the six runs needed for a win and the game was over. The Dishforth captain Steve Wilson, told reporters, ‘If I hadn’t seen it, I wouldn’t have thought it possible.’

The Goldsborough captain Peter Horseman commented, ‘It was surreal and embarrassing. We almost got a run, but the batsman turned it down because he’d just been hit on the foot.’

Here is a photo of 4 of the team.

Another Funny Cricket Story

When England travels to the Asian sub-continent to play Cricket we always hear that various players contract ‘ Delhi-belly’ or more correctly an upset stomach, possibly gastro-enteritis. Changes in diet, differing hygiene, and weather conditions are often cited as reasons for this malaise. February 2006 saw some five players unable to function properly on the tour in India.

This phenomenon was discussed by Peter Allen and Jane Garvey on their ‘Drive’ programme on BBC Radio 5 live. Alec Stewart, the ex-Surrey and England wicketkeeper/batsman and captain was interviewed. He acknowledged that food in the sub-continent could be a problem for English stomachs. He recounted how he took with him on tour 43 separate portions of chicken, mashed potato, and broccoli and ate little else.

If this isn’t amusing enough on its own; when he arrived home in England the first meal his wife gave him………………………………..?

You can guess………………………………….yes, indeed – chicken with mashed potato and broccoli.

Hat Trick

Question: How could a cricket hat-trick span 3 overs?
Answer: Over 1, the last ball the bowler gets the 9th batsman out Over 2, the first ball bowler dismisses the 10th batsman.

Second innings! The same bowler takes a wicket with his first ball.

The Definition of Cricket as Explained to an American:

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in.

Each man that’s in the side that’s in goes out, and when he’s out he comes in and the next man goes in until he’s out.

When they are all out, the side that’s out comes in and the side that’s been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out.

Sometimes you get men still in and not out.

When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out.

When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game.

Suffolk Teenage Cricketer Breaks Records and Out Scores Sir Garfield Sobers and Yuvraj Singh

Many cricket lovers will remember with affection the immortal Garfield Sobers hitting 6 sixes in an over; younger watchers may have seen Yuvraj Singh achieve the same feat. Not many people were able to witness Jamie Lee
hitting 11 sixes in 12 balls.

Jamie Lee, 18, normally plays for Mildenhall Cricket Club’s First Xl but was playing for the Second Xl because of a shoulder injury; he is known as a bowler which, say Will and Guy, makes the story all the more remarkable.

‘Luckily, my shoulder injury didn’t affect my batting,’ the teenager from Suffolk, England, cricketer told us with a broad smile. In the first over, Jamie thrashed all six deliveries from a spin bowler over the boundary. In the next over, Jamie, again, faced a spin bowler: this time he swung at the first ball – and missed; however, he middled the next five, chalking up 66 runs in just 12 balls. Incredible.

Jamie, who scored a further five sixes in his 132 not out, commented, ‘I smashed most of the sixes straight over the bowler’s head. It was a brilliant feeling. There were some polite claps when I got my first six and then the excitement mounted. People were cheering on the boundary and when I got my sixth six in a row, they just went mental.’

Not surprisingly his batting led Mildenhall to a swift victory: they beat the 208 runs knocked up by Walsham-le-Willows in a mere 13 overs – incredible.

Interesting Cricket Reports

Will and Guy love cricket, here are a few of our favorite match reports.

Cricket Report – Leeds

An amateur cricketer hit an astonishing 42 runs in one over. Jonathan Hughes, 29, from Cookridge, Leeds, achieved the feat in only his second innings for North Leeds, reports both the Yorkshire Post and BBC Radio 5 Live News.

He smashed six sixes, a four, and a two off an over from Hall Park medium-pace bowler Craig Hobson, 41, in the Airedale and Wharfedale League’s Waddilove Cup. Hobson bowled two no-balls, giving Hughes two extra balls to achieve his total. The no-balls also meant the over was worth a total of 44 runs to North Leeds.

Hughes, who scored an unbeaten 126 in total, told Radio 5 Live, ‘The first three balls went for six but I didn’t realize the first was a no-ball. The scoreboard then showed I was on 98 so I pushed the next delivery, which was also a no-ball, to midwicket for two to reach my hundred. That left four balls to go and the next three went for six and the last for a four. It seemed to take forever because of the time spent looking for the ball.’

Hobson told the Yorkshire Post, ‘It’s the kind of record you don’t want. I wanted the ground to open up but You’ve just got to carry on with the game and put it behind you.’

Cricket Tale:

The opening England batsmen in a one-day match against Australia were Marcus Trescothick and a new batsman yet to have appeared on the world stage: his name was Slugger Hammond.

Brett Lee, the pace bowler, opened the bowling for Australia. The first ball went fizzing past the off-stump: ‘wooooooooph’, and was collected by the wicketkeeper, Adam Gilchrist.

Slugger Hammond did not as much as budge from his place. Lee bowled his second, third, and fourth balls: ‘woooooooph…. woooooooooph…wooooooooph’
.

Slugger stood stock still just like a statue.

The umpire declared the fifth delivery, ‘No ball’.

Like a true professional Slugger Hammond went down the pitch tapping away at the ground until he reached Trescothick and said, ‘I knew from the very beginning the fellow did not have a ball in his hand.’

‘Howzat’ Says 13-Year-Old Cricketer – 6 Times

Remarkable Report of a Double Hat-Trick

Josh, 13, pictured right, has taken not one but TWO hat-tricks in one match – something that’s not been done in over 100 years. An amazing feat of prowess writes Will and Guy.

As if bowling one hat-trick – that’s three wickets in a row – wasn’t enough, Josh did it again in the next over. He helped his team bowl out the opposition for 14 runs and his team went on to win the match.

A Rare Feat

Cricket historians think the last time a double hat-trick took place was back in 1907. After taking his place in the record books, Josh revealed the secret to his success to his local newspaper. ‘I was just bowling straight and aiming for the feet.’ he told The Cambridgeshire Times. He clean bowled five batsmen and was grateful to his team-mates when one was caught.

His very proud mum Marie was watching, and she told us, ‘We’re a cricketing family – and he’d love to play professionally when he’s older.’

Superb Schoolboy, Armaan Jaffer, Sets New Indian Cricket Record

Thirteen-year-old Armaan Jaffer has set the record for the highest score by a schoolboy in India.

The nephew of former Indian Test opener Wasim Jaffer, the youngster smashed 498 runs off 490 balls in an under-14 Giles Shield match. Jaffer, playing for Rizvi Springfield School against IES Raja Shivaji Vidyalaya in Mumbai, scored his runs in a two-day innings.

The previous record of 461 was set by Nagpur’s Ali Zorain Khan. Jaffer hit 77 fours as he played in a free-flowing manner not associated with the more obdurate style of his uncle Wasim, who scored 1,944 runs in 31 Tests, including five centuries, before his last international outing in 2008

‘I had decided not to play any aerial shots,’ Armaan told the Hindustan Times. ‘I knew as long as I occupy the crease, the runs will keep flowing. It would have been better if I had got 500, but there is no grudge.’

Will and Guy add their congratulations to the many already received by Armaan. A superb effort.

Cricket nicknames – Cricknames

Australian Cricketer’s Nicknames

Mark Waugh was known as Afghanistan since he was often the forgotten Waugh; also he was known as Audi after he got 4 ducks in a row which were recorded in the scorebook as 0000.
Steve Waugh, on the other hand, was known as Tugga or Drobe.
Dizzy (Jason) Gillespie (After the Jazz artist)
Glen McGrath = pigeon ??????????????
Don Bradman = The Don
Ritchie Benaud = Diamonds
Ricky Ponting = Punter
Shane Warne = Warney, Hollywood, The Sheikh of Tweak

English Cricketer’s Nicknames

Marcus Trescothick = Banger (Loves eating sausages apparently)
Michael Vaughan = Vaughny!!!!! and Virgil (Thunderbirds)
Andrew Flintoff = Freddie (After Freddie Flintstone the cartoon character)
Derek Randall = Arkle (Reflects his speed when fielding)
Ashley Giles = King of Spain ( Ashley ordered several coffee mugs to be made to sell to raise money in his testimonial year. Apparently, they were to have read ‘The King of Spin’. They didn’t and the rest is history as they say)
Robert Russell = Jack (Excellent wicketkeeper/ batsman for Gloucestershire and England. Also an excellent painter)
Phil Tufnell = The Cat (Phil liked taking naps)
Chris Old was known as Chilli (C Old)
Graham Dilley was known as Picca
Graham Gooch of course was Zap (Emilio Zapata moustache)
W.G. Grace – the Doctor
Ian Botham = Beefy
Paul Collingwood = Nice Ginger
Kevin Pietersen = K.P.
Keith Fletcher = The Gnome of Essex
Derek Underwood – Deadly

An update on Cricketer’s Nicknames – Aussie Twenty20 team

The Aussie Twenty20 team took to the field against England in January 2007 with their nicknames on the back of their shirts. Thus we learn:

Adam Gilchrist – Church. Because the last syllable of his surname is “Christ”
Matthew Hayden-Haydos. Not the most imaginative choice
Ricky Ponting – Punter. He likes a bet, especially on the horses and the dogs
Mike Hussey – Huss. His name would be his nickname if his nickname was his name. Get it?
Andrew Symonds – Roy. His dad’s choice, after Roy of the Rovers.
Michael Clarke – Clarkey. Yet another unimaginative one
Cameron White – Bear. Because he is believed to resemble the Bundaberg Rum Bear, a polar bear used to advertise an Australian spirit
Brad Hogg – George. Brad is his middle name – George is his first
Nathan Bracken – Andy G. He looks like Andrew Gunsberg, host of the reality show Australian Idol
Ben Hilfenhaus – Hilfy. It’s easier to say than Hilfenhaus
Shane Harwood – Stickers. Because of his liking for tattoos.

True story from 1976

BBC announcer – ‘It’s over to Brian Johnson and the latest Cricket from the Oval’.
Brian Johnston: ‘The bowler’s Holding; the batsmen’s Willey’.
(Peter Willey was England’s number 6 and he did not last long.)

History repeats

I really cannot read what Harbhajan is doing between his balls. (Radio 4 Commentator Henry Blofeld, on the pre-delivery wrist exercises of Indian off-spin bowler Harbhajan Singh.)

Indian Cricketer’s Nicknames

Sachin Tendulkar = Little Master
Saurav Ganguly = Maharaj, Prince of Calcutta, Dada, Bengali Tiger
Harbhajan Singh =The Turbanator, Bhajji (by team-mates)
Anil Kumble = Jumbo
Rahul Dravid = The Wall (Difficult to bowl at or get out)

Pakistan Cricketer’s Nicknames

Wasim Akram = Prince of Pakistan, Sultan of Swing
Inzamam ul Haq = Aloo (potato)
Saqlain Mushtaq = Saqi, Professor (wears glasses and outsmarts the batsman)
Shoaib Akhtar = Rawalpindi Express (Fastest bowler in the world born in Rawalpindi)

South African Cricketer’s Nicknames

Allan Donald = White Lightning (Extremely fast bowler)
Lance Klusener = Zulu
Graeme Pollock – The Little Dog
Peter Pollock – The Big Dog
Shaun Pollock – Polly

Sri Lankan Cricketer’s Nicknames

Muttiah Muralitharan – The Smiling Assassin, Murali

West Indian Cricketer’s Nicknames

Joel Garner – Big Bird
Brian Lara – The Prince
Clive Lloyd – Super Cat
Whispering death Michael Holding

Cricket Commentators’ Nicknames

Henry Blofeld – Blowers
Bill Frindall – The Bearded Wonder
Brian Johnston – Johnners
Christopher Martin-Jenkins – CMJ

Cricket Umpires’ Nicknames

Harold Bird = Dickie Bird
Brent Bowden – Billy
Steve Bucknor – Slow Death

Hilarious and Funny, Clean Ashes Cricket Jokes

The Australian bobsleigh team has asked the Aussie cricket team for a meeting. They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!
What’s the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director? A funeral director doesn’t keep losing the ashes.
Why did the Aussie break his leg throwing a ball? He forgot it was chained to his foot.
What is the main function of the Australian coach? To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.
On his way out into the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his wife and teammate Michael Hussey tell her he’s heading out to the middle. His wife replies, ‘I’ll hold, he won’t be long!’
What’s the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car? Nothing! If you blink you’ll miss them both.
Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad? The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.
What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet? The entire Australian innings.
What’s the Australian version of LBW? Lost, Beaten, Walloped.
Why is Ricky Ponting cleverer than Houdini? Because he can get out without even trying.
What do you call a cricket field full of Australians? A vacant lot.
Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when The Ashes skippers tossed the coin on Boxing Day? Andrew Strauss called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to Ricky Ponting, ‘You lads can bat.’ Just as quickly, Ponting replied, ‘No, we can’t. We really can’t.’
What’s the difference between Ricky Ponting and a phoenix? At the end of the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.

10 More Hilarious, Funny, Short, and Clean Ashes Cricket Jokes

What do you call an Aussie with a bottle of Champagne? A waiter.
What does Ricky Ponting put in his hands to make sure the next ball is almost certainly going to be a wicket? A bat.
What do you call a world-class Australian cricketer? Retired.
What do you call an Australian who can hold a catch? A fisherman.
Why can no one drink wine in Australia at the moment? They haven’t got any openers …
What is the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies? Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.
What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson? They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.
Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone on the Australian cricket team? The woman who irons their cricket whites.
What do you call an Aussie holding a six-inch urn above his head? The England bowling coach.
What’s the height of optimism? An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.

Thank you to Will’s good friend Paul Soloman who sent these in to the site.

Don’t try this at home – Speedway crash

A speedway racer, from the Czech Republic, knocked unconscious in a crash stunned ambulance drivers when he woke up speaking perfect English. 18-year-old Matej Kus was out cold for 45 minutes after the crash, but when he woke u he conversed fluently in English with paramedics, even speaking with an English accent. The teenager had just begun to study the language and his skills were described by friends and teammates as ‘basic at best’.

Peter Waite, the promoter for Kus’s team, the Berwick Bandits, told the Daily Mail newspaper, ‘I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It was in a really clear English accent, no dialect or anything. Whatever happened in the crash must have rearranged things in his head. Before his crash Matej’s use of the English language was broken, to put it mildly. Yet here we were at the ambulance door listening to Matej talking to the medical staff in perfect English. Matej didn’t have a clue who or where he was when he came around. He didn’t even know he was Czech.’

Funny Baseball Jokes

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Ten Baseball Jokes Kindly Sent by David Sowards

Billy Martin once had four doubles in a game, but then he ran out of liquor!
One official made so many bad calls, that he was nicknamed, “The Dumpire.”
One batter specialized in hit-and-run plays. His problem was that he used his car!
Another player led his team in steals before he got nabbed for burglary.
I used to collect bats, but I got rid of them when they started biting!
One pitcher, Joe Niekro, was called the Little Shaver. That wasn’t because he was short, but because of what he did to the balls!
There once was a pitcher so bad, that the crowd started singing Take Him Out of The Ball Game!
One hit struck a chicken. Now that was a real “fowl ball!”
Will Pete Rose get into the Hall of Fame? Well, maybe the Gambler’s Hall of Fame or the Liar’s Hall of Fame!
Once, when Bush was president, he went to a game and they asked him if he wanted to throw out the First Pitch. He agreed and tossed Laura out onto the field!

Mother Knows Best

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way!

Yogi Berra Funny Baseball Sayings

Yogi Berra it has to be said developed a style of homespun humor all of his own. It’s also worth remembering that Yogi was a baseball legend with New York Yankees back in the 1950s. And he still holds the record for winning the most World Series.

Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical.
Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?
It’s like déjà vu all over again.
It ain’t over ’til it’s over.
Never answer an anonymous letter.
His wife Carmen asked Yogi where he would like to be buried, to which he replied, “Surprise me!”

More Funny Baseball Jokes

Clean, Funny, and Amusing Baseball Jokes and Stories

Intro

At Jack Russell Stadium in Clearwater, Florida, on June 26th, 1985, organist Wilbur Snapp played “Three Blind Mice” following a call by umpire Keith O’Connor. The umpire was not amused and saw to it that Mr. Snapp was ejected from the game.

Say It Again

After being snubbed from the All-Star game by Boston manager Darrell Johnson, Baltimore’s Jim Palmer claimed he was misquoted for calling Johnson an idiot.

‘I did not call Johnson an idiot. Someone else did and I just agreed,’ Palmer said.

Foul Play?

Pirates manager Danny Murtaugh couldn’t resist a jab at Dick Stuart. After the public address announcer warned fans that “Anyone who interferes with the ball in play will be ejected from the ballpark,” Murtaugh replied, ‘I hope Stuart doesn’t think that means him.’

Ruth or DiMaggio?

Bill walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, ‘You can’t bring that dog in here.’

‘You don’t understand,’ says Bill. ‘This is no regular dog, he can talk.’

‘Listen, pal,’ says the bartender. ‘If that dog can talk, I’ll give you a hundred bucks.’ Bill puts the dog on a stool, and
asks him, ‘What’s on top of a house?’ ‘Roof!’

‘Right. And what’s on the outside of a tree?’ ‘Bark!’

‘And who’s the greatest baseball player of all time?’ ‘Ruth!’

‘I guess you’ve heard enough,’ says the man. ‘I’ll take the hundred in the twenties.’

The bartender is furious, ‘Listen, pal,’ he says, ‘get out of here before I belt you.’ As soon as they’re on the street, the dog turns to Bill and says, ‘Bill, do you think I should have said “DiMaggio”?’

Funny Basketball Pictures

At the basketball court in a Gastonton, North Carolina, YMCA: “Anyone caught hanging from the rim will be suspended.”

Lenin scores…

Attitude?

Former Utah Jazz president, Frank Layden, commenting on a former basketball player, ‘I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?’

The former player said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.’

Symptoms?

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, ‘How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?’

A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered ‘A basketball coach?’

Analysis?

Hanging in the hallway at the High School are the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year — “62-63”; “63-64”; “64-65” and so on.

One day I spotted a freshman looking curiously at the photos. Turning to me, she said, ‘Isn’t it strange how the team always lost by one point?’

Lost in translation?

Nike has a television commercial for hiking shoes that was shot in Kenya using Samburu tribesmen. The camera closes in on the one tribesman who speaks, in native Maa. As he speaks, the Nike slogan ‘Just Do It’ appears on the screen.

Lee Cronk, an anthropologist at the University of Cincinnati, says the Kenyan is saying, ‘I don’t want these. Give me big shoes.’

Say’s Nike’s Elizabeth Dolan, ‘We thought nobody in America would know what he said.’ – Taken from an article in Forbes Magazine.

Respect?

An allegedly true Bobby Knight story recalled as best as can be remembered from the “Morning Briefing” section of the L.A. Times: In the 1980 Olympics, the U.S. basketball team, coached by Knight, played and beat the Chinese team quite easily. When asked about the win, Bobby said, ‘It was a lot of fun playing the Chinese, but an hour later, we wanted to play them again.’

Down and out

I once read a magazine biography of a down-and-out basketball star who was so desperately addicted to drugs that he took to crime. Let’s call him “Bill” for dramatic effect. His first mistake was to rob a convenience store in his neighborhood. The owner of the store instantly recognized the six-foot-plus basketball star neighbor despite his pathetic attempt to wear a mask. When the owner said, ‘Bill, don’t do this, okay?’ To which the player/robber replied, ‘Naw, it ain’t me, man. It ain’t me.’

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Ten Random, Interesting Basketball Facts

Basketball was invented by Dr. James Naismith, a teacher at the YMCA International Training School in Massachusetts in 1891.
Walter Brown of Boston introduced professional basketball in the form of the Basketball Association of America in the summer of 1946.
The first game was played in a basement gymnasium. There was a stepladder to retrieve the ball from the peach baskets.
The first ball was a soccer ball.
The basketball was invented in 1929 by G. L. Pierce.
In 1967, the slam dunk was made illegal. The dunk was made legal again in 1976.
The first men’s college basketball game was played on January 18, 1896, between the University of Iowa and the University of Chicago. The final score was 15-12.
The game became an official Olympic event at the Summer Games in Berlin, Germany in 1936.
Michael Jordan, who retired in January 1999, but returned to the league in 2001, has scored more points [5,987] in the playoffs than any other player.
Most points scored in one half: Wilt Chamberlain on March 2nd, 1962 [59 points].

Funny Rugby Stories

Ian Robertson and the Malt Whisky

On BBC Radio 5 Live, Will heard Ian Robertson* recount this true tale.

When England was in Scotland to play the Calcutta Cup it was always difficult to find somewhere to stay and impossible to book a table in any restaurant. This particular year Ian was entertaining some journalists and former players before the ‘big match’. He knew of a small place just outside Edinburgh to which he hadn’t been for more than 30 years.

On arrival at the pub, he was greeted by the owner who said, ‘How marvelous to see you again, Mr Robertson. I imagine you have come to pay the 1s/6d [approx. 8p] You owe us for the single malt whisky you drank when you were last here and forgot to pay for?’

*Note: Ian Roberston was a former Scotland Rugby Union International; BBC Rugby commentator and correspondent. Interestingly Ian was also a former English teacher to Tony Blair at Fettes College, Edinburgh.

Mr Indestructible

After JPR Williams was involved in a road traffic accident: Typical, isn’t it? The car’s a write-off. The tanker’s a write-off. But JPR comes out of it all in one piece. – Gareth Edwards

Andrew Craig and the Curry

As with so many jokes and stories, one often leads to another. Will is reminded of this true tale about an ex-Royal Navy Officer, Scotsman, and friend: the late Lieutenant-Commander Andrew Craig.

In the 1970s Andrew was often away from Portsmouth on board one ship or another. These trips took him away for quite long periods of time. When at home he would frequent Shariff’s Curry Restaurant in Albert Road, Southsea. [Now The Golden Curry, next to the King’s Theatre.] He omitted, by mistake, to pay for one meal before going away on a cruise that kept him away for some 18 months, and on his return he visited the restaurant only to be met by Mr. Sharrif at the door who promptly asked him, with a beaming smile on his face, ‘Is it convenient for you to pay the bill now, Commander Craig’.

True Story: Rugby Player Saves Lives

Fourteen-year-old Conor McGrath caught a boy of his age and a girl of six after their mother lowered them and dropped them 10ft into his arms from an upstairs bedroom window after their home was hit by a gas explosion.

Conor, a rugby player for Lancashire and also the British under-16 wrestling champion, said, ‘I am a rugby player so I’ve got quite good hands; I knew that I just had to catch them. I am a strong lad for my age and the rugby helped.’

The accident happened after Conor had returned home from a jog in Great Lever, Bolton, Lancashire, England with his dad on Monday morning. Both ran across the road to the semi-detached house and saw the woman screaming for help as smoke engulfed the bedroom.

‘I just sprinted around and heard her screaming,’ he added. ‘I was shouting up at her, asking if she had a mattress so they could jump. They dangled the boy down first and I caught him, then I caught the girl. I could see the flames and I did not want to go into the house. All the windows had been blown out and it was a good job they had or else they would have been trapped upstairs. My heart was racing and there was a lot of adrenalin. I could see the fear in their eyes but there was nothing else to do other than help.’

Thanks to David Johnson for this story

Will and Guy’s Top Ten Funny Rugby Quotations

These quotes may be old but we think you will smile because, for a true rugby lover, each tale defines that era.

Remember that rugby is a team game; all 14 of you make sure you pass the ball to Jonah. FAX to the All Blacks before the 1995 World Cup semi-final.
I think Brian Moore’s gnashers [teeth]are the kind you get from a DIY shop and hammer in yourself. He is the only player we have who looks like a French forward. Former England prop Paul Rendall on his front row colleague.
You’ve got to get your first tackle in early, even if it’s late. Welsh hardman Ray Gravell explains his rugby philosophy.
I played ten injury-free years between the ages of 12 and 22. Then, suddenly, it seemed like I was allergic to the twentieth century. Former England scrum-half Nigel Melville spent most of the 1980s injured.
We’re going to tear those boys apart. Message pinned up on the changing room wall by England skipper Will Carling before his team ran out to face the All Blacks in the 1995 World Cup semi-final in Cape Town. It took at least 70 seconds for New Zealand to score their first try as they demolished England 45-29.
Don’t ask me about emotions in the Welsh dressing room. I’m someone who cries when he watches “Little House on the Prairie”. Former Welsh second-row Bob Norster remembers that special Dragons’ atmosphere.
‘There’s no doubt about it, he’s a big b****rd,’ Gavin Hastings, master of the obvious, on Jonah Lomu.
The relationship between the Welsh and the English is based on trust and understanding. They don’t trust us and we don’t understand them. Former RFU supremo Dudley Wood on Anglo-Welsh relations.
If you can’t take a punch, you should play table tennis. Former French skipper and coach Pierre Berbizier illustrates his nation’s attitude to on-pitch violence.
‘A player of ours has been proven guilty of biting. That’s a scar that will never heal. Bath coach Andy Robinson after his prop Kevin Yates was suspended for taking a chunk out of an opposing flanker’s ear.

Some Clean, Funny, Rugby Shorts

Rugby is a good occasion for keeping thirty bullies far from the center of the city. – Oscar Wilde
I’m still an amateur, of course, but I became rugby’s first millionaire five years ago. – David Campese [1991]
A major rugby tour by the British Isles to New Zealand is a cross between a medieval crusade and a prep school outing. – John Hopkins
On playing for Wales at Lansdowne Road, Dublin: I didn’t know what was going on at the start in the swirling wind. The flags were all pointing in different directions and I thought the Irish had starched them just to fool us. – Mike Watkins [1984]
On Jonah Lomu: I’ve seen a lot of people like him, but they weren’t playing on the wing. – Colin Meads [1995].
Ray Gravell Eats Soft Centres. – Banner seen at Cardiff Arms Park.

Perfect Woman Competition in New Zealand

The owner of a bar in Wanaka is holding a competition to find the ‘perfect woman’, the prize is $NZ 1,000 and tickets for a rugby game.

Amongst the tasks, the aspirants will be expected to undertake are:

Back a trailer load of hay
Change a car tyre
Clear a pool table
Darn a sock
Lift a ram into the shearing position

Funny Welsh Rugby Jokes

Here is our collection of jokes and funny tales about Wales’ national game – rugby.

Welsh Rugby Jokes

We once had a second-row forward called Dai. There was also a David who played on the wing and a Daffyth at fullback. To distinguish between the 3 Davids, we called our fellow forward Dai ‘Eighteen months’, because he only had an ear and a half.
The relationship between the Welsh and the English is based on trust and understanding. They don’t trust us and we don’t understand them. Former RFU supremo Dudley Wood on Anglo-Welsh relations.
One cartoonist who gave us hours of fun – especially with his calendars, was Gren with his distinctive, self-deprecating, Welsh humor.
Banner seen at Cardiff Arms Park. – “Ray Gravell Eats Soft Centres”. The great man explained his rugby philosophy thus: “You’ve got to get your first tackle in early, even if it’s late”.
As for singing and songwriting, it was Max Boyce who led the way with his, ‘Hymns and Arias’. In his song ‘Duw it’s hard’, the line: ‘And the pithead baths is a supermarket now’, sums up how life changed in the Welsh valleys during the 1960s and 1970s.
Snow White was returning from town to the cottage in the forest where she lived with the 7 dwarfs. In the distance she could see smoke, then as she got nearer she realized that her cottage had burnt down. Frantically, Snow White searched the forest for the dwarfs, then she heard a a lone voice saying, ‘Wales for the World Cup, Wales for the World Cup, Wales for the World Cup. On hearing this chant, Snow White gasped in relief as she knew that at least Dopey was safe.
For one game Bedwas 3rds were a player short and they asked around for a replacement. Cecil, who used to be a
utility player for Leicester 1sts, said he would be delighted to play. After a particularly bad game, Dai said ‘Cecil may have been known as a utility player at Leicester, but at Bedwas he would forever be known as a futility player’.

Teflon Hands

In my opinion, the Welsh rugby crowd are masters of coining nicknames. In the 1980s Cardiff had a player called Gerald Cordle playing on the wing. He went through a bad patch, dropping pass after pass with the try line at his mercy. They took to calling him Teflon because he had non-stick hands.

Rugby Nicknames

‘Teflon’

In my opinion, the Welsh rugby crowd is great at a particular brand of humor. In the 1980s Cardiff had a player called Gerald Cordle playing on the wing. He went through a bad patch, dropping pass after pass with the try line at his mercy.
Now Gerald was of African extraction but did the Welsh crowd racially abuse him – no. Instead, they took called him Teflon, because he had non-stick hands.

Another example of Welsh humor is played with a second-row forward called Dai Eighteen Months. So called because an accident left him with only an ear and a half.

In the same team, we had a Thomas central heating, this alluded to the fact that he had two front teeth missing.

Referee to prop forward. “You’re boring the hooker.” (Cunning, but illegal scrum technique) Prop to referee, “You’re not so interesting yourself ref.”

Rugby Players’ Nicknames

Welsh Rugby Nicknames [Extra material supplied by Martin]

Rob Howley (Stan because he looks like the one from Laurel and Hardy)
Richard Hibbard (Shirley – the hair)
Sam Warburton (Avatar as he looks like the lead character)
Alan Bateman (Clamp-on account of his tackling)
Gareth Thomas = Alfie is so-called because apparently, he looked like a TV character ALF (alien life form)
Martyn Williams = Nugget (A
thoroughly reliable back row forward with great handling skills)
Stephen Jones = Wellies (Doesn’t wear them when he played, that’s for sure)
Gethin Jenkins = Melon (Because of his head!)

English Rugby Nicknames

Chariots (Martin) Offiah (Speedy winger named after the film of the legendary sprinter Eric Liddle)
Brian Moore = Le Pit-Bull (So named by the French. This tenacious hooker always led from the front. Keeps up his act when commentating.)
Rob Andrew = Squeaky (Apparently he never did anything wrong)
Jason Robinson = Billy Whizz (A loss to international rugby: a genius when running at opponents)
Mickey Skinner = Munch and sometimes Crunch (Apparently because of his ferocious tackles?)
Will Carling = Bumface (The England captain had a characteristic chin dimple)
Steve Thompson = Shrek (I wouldn’t call him this to his face)
Danny Grewcock = Robolock (Strong British Lion and England lock forward)

The Twickenham Fox

It doesn’t take much to liven up a rugby match between England and Scotland, so the appearance of a fox during 2011’s Six Nations match delighted the crowd, although it was surprising given the standard demographic that it wasn’t pursued off the pitch by a pack of hounds to the shout of tally-ho. So fleet of foot was Mr. Fox that many regret now that Martin Johnson hadn’t taken it to the World Cup last autumn instead of Mike Tindall

Assorted Nationalities Nicknames

Shane Byrne = Mullet (See Hairstyle opposite)
Brian O’Driscoll = Bod or God (Self-explanatory: a great loss to the British Lions in 2005)
Craig Chalmers = Judith (The Scottish outside half was named after Judith Chalmers, the famous broadcaster)
Thomas Castaignede = The Little Prince (As the French press named the skillful three-quarter)
Phillipe Bernat-Salle = The Pau rocket (He played for Pau and France and was an extremely speedy winger)

International Rugby Team Nicknames

Almost every nation has at least one shortened name to inspire its fans, and to increase the commentator’s vocabulary.

Argentina: Los Pumas
Australia: The Wallabies
Canada: Canucks or Maple Leafs
Cote d’Ivoire – Les éléphants
Fiji: Bati [The Warriors] Sometimes referred to as The Flying Fijians
France: Les Bleus or sometimes Les Tricolores
Georgia: The Lelos [The team’s nickname comes from ‘lelo burti’, a traditional Georgian sport with strong similarities to rugby]
Italy: Azzurri, The Gladiators of Rome
Japan: The Cherry Blossoms or The Brave Blossoms
Namibia: The Welwitschias [a desert flower]
New Zealand: The All Blacks
Portugal: Os Lobos [The Wolves]
Romania: The Oaks
Samoa: Manu Samoa
Spain: El XV Del León [their emblem]
South Africa: The Springboks
Tonga: Ikale Tahi [Sea Eagles]
USA: The Eagles
Uruguay – Los Teros [their emblem]
Wales: Dragons
Zimbabwe: The Sables

Countries that appear not to have real nicknames: England, Scotland, Ireland. Perhaps you know better?

Will has heard England referred to as “The Red and Whites” but it is not a common nickname.

Scotland is known in some quarters as “Rob Roy’s Army”. The “Tartan Army” tends to refer to the Football team.

Ireland may be called “Paddy’s Army”

Rugby World Cup Jokes

Regarding the England match against Argentina; it is being said that Jonny Wilkinson is passed his best because he missed more penalties than the England football team.

New Zealand -v- Australia 23rd October 2011

A New Zealand fan was watching the Rugby World Cup final. In the packed Eden Park stadium, there was only one empty seat – right next to him.

‘Who does that seat belong to?’ asked Shaun from the row behind. ‘I got the ticket for my wife,’ replied Patrick.

‘But why isn’t she here on this special occasion?’ ‘I’m afraid she died in an accident.’

‘So you’re keeping the seat vacant as a mark of respect,’ said Shaun. ‘No,’ said Patrick, ‘I offered it to all of my friends.’

‘So why didn’t they take it,’ asked a puzzled Shaun. ‘They’ve all gone to her funeral.’

Classic English Rugby World Cup Joke

Question: What do you call an Englishman with the World Cup in his hands?

Answer: The Engraver.

The Pope and British Rugby Fans

The Pope was cruising along the beach near Christchurch in the Pope mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off-shore. A helpless man, wearing an English rugby jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 30-foot shark.

As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing Welsh, Irish, and Scottish rugby jerseys. The Scotsman quickly fired a harpoon into the shark’s side while the other two reached out and pulled the hapless English fan from the water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned all three to see him, ‘I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there was some bitter hatred between the Celts and England rugby fans, but now I have seen with my own
eyes that this is not true.’

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his mates, ‘Who was that?’

‘It was the Pope,’ one replied. ‘He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God’s wisdom.’

‘Well,’ the harpooner said, ‘he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn’t know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK? Or do we need to get another Englishman?’

Classic English Rugby World Cup Joke

Martin Johnson takes the English team out for training and tells everyone to assume their normal position.

So they all go and stand behind the goalposts and wait for the conversion.

All Blacks -v- England

The All Blacks were playing England, and after the half-time whistle blew they found themselves ahead 50-0, Jonah Lomu getting eight tries. The rest of the team decided to head for the pub instead of playing the second half, leaving Jonah to go out on his own.

‘No worries,’ Jonah told them, ‘I’ll join you later and tell you what happened.’

After the game, Jonah headed for the pub where he told his teammates the final score: 95-3.

‘What!” exclaimed a furious Michael Jones. ‘How did you let them get three points?’

Jonah replied apologetically, ‘I was sent off with 10 minutes to go.’

The Rugby Referee

Craig Joubert, the rugby referee died and went to heaven.

Stopped by St Peter at the gates he was told that only brave people who had performed heroic deeds and had the courage of their convictions could enter. If he could describe a situation in his life where he had shown these characteristics, he would be allowed in.

”Well,’ said Mr Joubert, ‘I was controlling a game between New Zealand and England in the World Cup Quarter-Final.’

England were two points ahead with a minute to go. Chris Ashton made a break and passed inside to Johnny Wilkinson. We were driven on by his forwards before he passed out to Mike Tindall who went over in the corner. But Tindall dropped the ball before he could ground it. As England were the better side all game, I ruled that he had got it down and awarded the try without calling for the video ref.’

‘OK, that was fairly brave of you, but I will have to check it in the book,’ said Peter, before disappearing to look it up. When he came back he said, ‘Sorry, there’s no record of this. Can you help me to trace it? When did all this happen?’

Craig Joubert looked at his watch and replied, ‘Forty-five seconds ago at the West Stand end.’

A Quick Guide on How to Understand New Zealanders

Min – Male of our species. As in Irish min.
Inner me – Enemy. For example, Australia is the inner me.
Sucks – Six.
Tin – Ten. Thus a likely scoreline: Argentina tin, England sucks.

Build a New Zillund Sentence

Ear roebucks – Aerobics
Bull – Bill
Fear hear – Blonde!
That fear heard Bull is doing his ear roebucks.

Rugby Support in NZ

The family of Auckland Blues Rugby supporters head out shopping one Saturday before Christmas. While they are in a sports shop, the son picks up a Crusaders rugby jersey and says to his sister, ‘I’ve decided I’m going to be a Crusaders supporter and I’d like this jersey for Christmas.’

The sister is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head, and says, ‘Go talk to your mother.’ Off goes the little lad, with Crusaders jersey in hand, and finds his mother. ‘Mum ?’

‘Yes, son?’

‘I’ve decided I’m going to be a Crusaders supporter and I’d like this jersey for Christmas.’

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head, and says, ‘Go talk to your father.’ Off he goes with the Crusaders jersey in hand and finds his father, ‘Dad?’

‘Yes, son?’

‘I’ve decided I’m going to be a Crusaders supporter and I would like this jersey for Christmas.’

The father is outraged at this, promptly whacks his son round the head, and says, ‘No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!’

About half an hour later, they are all back in the car heading home. The father turns to the son and says, ‘Son, I hope you’ve learned an important lesson today?’

The son turns to his father and says, ‘Yes, Father, I have.’

Father says, ‘Good son, and what is it?’

The son replies, ‘I’ve only been a Crusaders supporter for an hour and already I hate you Auckland b*****ds.’

Rugby Heaven

During a South Africa v Australia match at Newlands Stadium lightning storm hit Capetown and a bolt was conducted through the towers to the touchline.

In a tragic accident coaches, Robbie Deans of the Wallabies and Peter de Villiers of the Springboks were killed.

They were taken straight to heaven where they were warmly greeted by the Almighty.

After a while, Robbie was taken to his new accommodation. He was pleased to find a lovely Aussie-style cottage with statues outside in the form of Aussie rugby greats.

As a constant background, he could hear the sweet voices of angels singing “Go Wallabies Go” and “Waltzing Matilda.”

Robbie was delighted until he suddenly heard some even more beautiful singing coming from the top of the hill. He listened closer and could hear “Nkosi sikelel’ iAfrika.’

Robbie looked up the hill to see a great palace with statues outside of Francois Pienaar, Victor Matfield, and John Smit.

A party was taking place in the garden with Castle ales flowing freely as the crowd watched Bryan Habana scoring another great try at Newlands.’

Robbie went to the Lord and said, ‘Look, I don’t want to appear ungrateful – my cottage is great, but why does Peter get the huge mansion?’

God broke into a laugh as he replied, ‘Robbie, you’ve got it all wrong. That’s not Peter’s place – it’s mine.’

A major rugby tour by the British Isles to New Zealand is a cross between a medieval crusade and a prep school outing. – John Hopkins

Welsh Rugby World Cup Joke

Snow White was returning from Merthyr to the cottage in the woods where she lived with the 7 dwarfs. In the distance she could see black smoke, then as she got nearer she realized that their cottage had burnt down.

Frantically, Snow White searched amongst the trees for the dwarfs, then she heard a lone voice saying, ‘Wales for the World Cup, Wales for the Rugby World Cup, Wales for the New Zealand World Cup.

On hearing these chants, Snow White gave a little sigh of relief – she knew that at least Dopey was safe.

Mr Indestructible

After JPR Williams was involved in a road traffic accident: Typical, isn’t it? The car’s a write-off. The tanker’s a write-off. But JPR comes out of it all in one piece. – Gareth Edwards

That classic French Rugby World Cup Joke

Q: What do call a Frenchman holding a bottle of champagne after the Rugby World Cup Final?

A: Waiter.

Funny Sports for Saturday

1. Do not wear football boots on the pitch.

They must have known that the Colombian team was in town!

NEUSS, June 1: The Colombian football team, who have not qualified for the World Cup but play Germany in a friendly on Friday, had to cancel their training session Wednesday because they had no boots.

The South Americans which host the famous cities of Bogota and Medellin arrived earlier in the day from Poland where they beat the Polish side – who’s lined up in the same World Cup group as Germany – 2-1 on Tuesday. The players’ boots somehow went walkabout between the two destinations. No word was given on when the Colombians will hold their first training session on German soil ahead of the friendly.

2. The big match

3. Guy’s Weather Stone

Here we have trusty technology from the past:

4. Football Joke – Seat in Stand?

Bernie and Eddie were fortunate enough to have a season ticket to watch Manchester United. They could not help noticing that there was always a spare seat next (K37) to them and they had a friend who would love to buy a season ticket, especially if all three could have seats together.

One half-time Bernie went to the ticket office and asked if they could buy the season ticket for K37. The official said that unfortunately the ticket had been sold. Nevertheless, week after week the seat was still empty.

Then on Boxing Day, much to Bernie and Eddie’s amazement the seat was taken for the first time that season. Eddie could not resist asking the newcomer, ‘Where have you been all season’. Don’t ask he said, the wife bought the season ticket back last summer and kept it for a surprise Christmas present.

5. Stupid Remarks

I felt a lump in my mouth as the ball went in – Terry Venables
It will be a shame if either side lose, and that applies to both sides – Jock Brown
At the end of the day, the Arsenal fans demand that we put eleven players on the pitch. – Don Howe
Nottingham Forest are having a bad run, they’ve lost six matches in a row now without winning – David Coleman
He hit the post, and after the game people will say, well, he hit the post – Jimmy Greaves

Funny Sports Quotes

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach, ‘You guys line up alphabetically by height.’ And ‘You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.’

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season, ‘I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.’

A senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh, ‘I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.’

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota, ‘He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.’

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player, ‘I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’
He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.’

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins, ‘He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.’

Flexible Phil

Phil decided that at the ripe old age of 53, he needed to get himself into shape. He visited the local gym and spoke to a personal trainer who asked him if he could do the splits.

‘Of course, I can’t’, responded Phil.

‘Well, just how flexible are you?’ she questioned.

‘Umm’, replied Phil, ‘I can’t do Thursdays.’

Some interesting and amusing facts about games in pubs in the UK:

Glasgow’s licensing bench banned all pub games from the city’s 1,100 bars in 1939 because ‘games encourage drinking.’
A Dorset Vicar condemned the racing of tortoises on pub billiard tables in 1938
In the 1930s it was found that dominoes was the most popular pub game in Bolton
In the 14th Century, British monarchs forbade pub games because they wanted their subjects to practice archery
Early versions of Shove ha’ Penny were played in taverns and inns some 500 years ago
Darts is played regularly by 6 million people in the UK, many of them in pubs
The game of bar billiards was invented in Belgium and arrived in the UK in the 1930s
A pub in Durham had to cancel a mouse race because it was found that 15 of the 18 mice were pregnant and the other 3 were too tired to run at all
Sir John Suckling was a 17th Century crook who used marked cards to amass his fortune of some £4 million [in today’s money: over $7 million] He invented the game of Cribbage
Darts is played regularly by 6 million people in the UK, many of them in pubs
When Paul Newman starred as The Hustler, in the 1961 film, there were no pool tables in Britain’s
pubs. By the time he made the sequel, The Color of Money, in 1986, there were an estimated 45,000 tables
in pubs and clubs

Hunting, Fishing and Shooting Jokes

Moose Hunters

Two moose hunters, Wally and Jeff, from New Mexico, fly to a remote area in Alberta, Canada. They have a fabulous hunting expedition and both manage to shoot a large moose.

When the plane returns to pick them up, Ronnie, the pilot looks at the animals and says, ‘This little plane won’t lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You’ll have to leave one. We’d never make it over the trees on the take-off.’

‘That’s gobbled-gook and nonsense!’ explodes an angry Wally.

Yep,’ agrees Jeff, ‘you’re just a cowardly custard. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot has some guts. He wasn’t afraid to take off!’

‘Mmmm,’ adds Wally, ‘and his plane wasn’t any bigger than yours, Ronnie.’

Ronnie becomes cross, as well, and snaps, ‘Dang me, if he did it, then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody

Wally and Jeff load up the plane; they taxi at full throttle and the plane almost makes it but doesn’t have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It touches the tree tops, flips, and breaks up. Everything scatters; the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers.

Still alive, but dazed, Ronnie Pilot sits up, shakes his head to clear it, and mumbles, ‘Where are we?’

Wally appears disheveled from behind a shrub, looks around, and replies, ‘Oh…..I’d say … about a hundred meters further than last year.’

Deer Fight Back

Police in Florida are using a very realistic robotic deer to trap potential poachers. After firing several shots, the miscreants are shocked and amazed to see the creature still standing … then they are promptly arrested.

Hunters Take Instructions

Josh and Olly are hunters and they are dragging their dead deer back to their truck after a successful expedition. As they go they meet another hunter, who is pulling his deer along too, who shouts to them both, ‘Oiga! I don’t want to tell you how to do something … but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground.’

The third hunter leaves and Josh and Olly decide to try to do exactly what he has suggested.

Some considerable time later Josh says, ‘You know, Olly, that man was right. This is an awful lot easier!’

‘Yep, Josh, but we’re getting farther from the truck,’ moans Olly.

Hillbillies Go Hunting with Guns

If you take an infinite number of hillbillies and put each in a pickup truck. Next, give them each a shotgun and an infinite number of rounds. Tell them to go out and shoot at any highway sign that they see, eventually, they will produce all the world’s great literary works in Braille.

Texas Hunting Buddy

We heard last week that a California man, called Cedric Klabo, had been put under 24-hour psychiatric observation. What had he done? Police found that he had over 75 guns and about half a million rounds of ammunition stored in his locked-up garage.

A roving reporter was heard to say: “Gee! Cedric has half a million machine gun bullets!” A local paper, the Aubern Gazette, ran the headline: “Massive Weapons Cache in Aubern County”.

By Californian standards, a man in possession of even 100,000 rounds would be called “mentally unstable”.
If Cedric lived in Arizona, he’d be described as “an avid gun collector.”
In Oklahoma, he’d be passed off as “a novice gun collector”.
In Utah, he’d be called “moderately well prepared”, but they’d probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.
In Idaho, they would refer to Cedric as: “a likely gubernatorial candidate”.
In Wyoming, he’d be hailed as “an eligible bachelor”.
But in Texas, Cedric would be just “a Hunting Buddy” ………

True Story About Shooting

In Miami, there were some unfortunate shootings and robberies of foreign tourists. It was during this time, a Native American was staying at a Miami hotel. Without thinking, he dressed, putting on his favorite tee shirt.

He and his wife got on the crowded elevator and realized the other passengers were staring at him; they exited very quickly. He looked down and realized he had put on a shirt that showed his ‘ancestors’ carrying rifles with the quote, “If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?”

Quickly, he returned to his room and changed shirts.

Fishing

These might bring a smile to your face whether or not you are a fisherman:

Ten common fishing expressions explained

1) Catch and Release:

This is a conservation term that happens right before the local Fish and Game Protection Officer stops your boat when you have caught over the limit.

2) Hook: (i) A small curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (ii) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his life savings on a new rod and reel. (iii) The punch administered by said fisherman’s wife after he spends their life savings [see also, right hook, left hook].

3) Line: Something you give your colleagues when they ask on Monday how your fishing went over the weekend.

4) Lure: An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

5) Reel: A weighty object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

6) Rod: An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

7) School: A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your £15.99 [$USD30] lures and hold out for bread instead.

8) Tackle: What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

9) Tackle Box: A box-shaped amazingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so when you reach into the wrong box blindly to get an Elastoplast [band-aid], you soon find that you need more than one.

10) Test: (i) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (ii) A measure of your creativity in blaming ‘that flippin’ line’ for once again losing the fish.

Ice Picks

Ben and Colin are two elderly gentlemen who live in New York State who love going fishing together. They decide to do some ‘ice fishing’. Since neither has experienced it before, Ben suggests that going north into Canada might be a good idea and Colin agrees so off they go. On arrival they find the lake is frozen nicely.

They stop just before they get to the lake at a little local bait shop and buy all their tackle. Colin comments, ‘Hey, Ben, we’re going to need an ice pick.’

So they purchase that and stride to the lake. After about two hours, Colin returns to the bait shop saying, ‘We’re going to need another dozen ice picks.’

The shopkeeper is surprised and wants to ask some questions, but he doesn’t. He sells the fisherman the picks and the old boy leaves.

About an hour later hour, Ben arrives at the shop, ‘We’re going to need all the ice picks you’ve got.’ The bait man can’t stand it any longer. ‘Say, man,’ he asks, ‘how are you two fellows doing?’

‘Not very well at all,’ mutters an irritated Ben, ‘We haven’t even got the boat in the water yet.’

Questions, Questions, and More Questions

A father and son go fishing one summer day. While they are out in their boat, the boy suddenly becomes curious about the world around him. He asks his father, ‘Dad, how does this boat float?’

The father replies, ‘Don’t rightly know son.’

A little later, the boy looks at his father and asks, ‘Dad, how do fish breathe underwater?’ Once again the father replies, ‘Don’t rightly know son.’

A little later, the boy asks his father, ‘Dad, why is the sky blue?’ Again, the father replies, ‘Don’t rightly know son.’

Finally, the boy says to his father, ‘Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?’ The father replies, ‘Of course not, son. If you don’t ask questions, you never learn nothin’.

Shown Up – Big Time

Dylan and Charlie are talking about fishing. Charlie says emphatically, ‘I am never going to take my wife fishing with me ever again, Dylan!’

‘That bad, eh?’ enquires Dylan smiling.

‘Yeah, she did everything wrong, got nothing right. She talked too much, made the boat rock constantly, tried to stand up in the boat, baited the hook wrongly, used the wrong lures, and worst of all she caught more fish than me!’ bellows Charlie.

Jockeys Mistake Finish of Horse Race

Several courses have, or used to have multiple finishing posts. Notably Longchamp Paris France. Now and then a jockey, usually an apprentice, races to the wrong post.

However, on New Year’s Eve, in the 2:25 at Tramore, the race was unusual in that all 14 Jockeys mistook the
finishing post. One jockey got it into his head that they only needed to make two circuits of the tricky Tramore course and not three, and so rode a finish, the others copied him.

After much shouting and gesticulating, five jockeys rocked their mounts for the second circuit. The favourite Mr Aussie eventually won the Newtown Handicap Steeplechase. His jockey, Andrew J McNamara was amongst only 5 riders not to suffer a suspension as a result of the farce, I guess it’s hard to punish the jockey who won the race. All the 9 jockeys who rode a finish on the second circuit and then pulled up were suspended for 5 days.

To add to the confusion the official judge called the top-weight Boher Storm the winner before Mr Aussie went around again and truly won the race.

While they have been racing at Tramore, Near Wexford in Ireland for over 200 years, the course is only a one-mile oval. Moreover, some of the cambers are steeper than Epsom, thus the tightness of the track is one reason why a jockey
just might miscount the number of circuits.

Soccer Nicknames

Edson Arantes do Nascimento = Pele. As a very small child, he used to pretend he was a goalkeeper and would say, I’m Bile’ (the name of a goalkeeper of those times) after each save. ‘Pele’ came from the wrong pronunciation of ‘Bile’.
Manoel dos Santos = Garrincha. (One of the greatest forwards to play for Brazil with Pele. ‘Garrincha’ is the name of a bird that Manoel liked to hunt when he was a child)
Diego Maradona = El Pibe de Oro (Some English supporters know him by other names! However, Maradona was a footballing genius.)
John Charles = The Gentle Giant Brilliant Wales, Swansea, Leeds, and Juventus player. Quite simply, John Charles is one of the finest footballers ever.
Swansea honors its Gentle Giant A memorial to Swansea football great John Charles has been unveiled at the Liberty Stadium as his home city club played their last game of the 2007 season.
All the players in this section would at least be considered for a ‘World 11’. However, none of the others were revered in a foreign land DURING THEIR PLAYING DAYS quite the way that Welshman John Charles was feted in Italy.
Lev Yashin = The Black Spider USSR. (Had the best anticipation that I have ever seen in a goalkeeper)
Franz Beckenbauer = The Kaiser (Led West Germany and Bayern Munich to many triumphs. A skillful and thoughtful player)
Gerd Muller = The Fat One or Bomber (He certainly could score goals)
Ferenc Puskas = The Galloping Major (A little left-footed genius from the famous Hungary side of the early 1950’s)

More Football Nicknames

Jack Charlton = The Giraffe (Have you seen his neck and his legs?)
Marco Van Basten = The Swan of Utrecht (A great goal scorer)
Ruud Gullit = Il Tulipo Nero (The black tulip : a gem of a player)
Stuart Pearce = Psycho (Would run through a brick wall for his team)
David Unsworth = Rhino (Look at the size of his legs!)
Chris Waddle = Dribbler fou [Crazy dribbler] (Named this by the Monaco supporters after his spell in the French league)
Paul Gascoigne = Gazza
Chopper Harris (Chopper had the original and best scythe tackle, amazingly, some of his challenges were even legal. The greatest thing watching Chopper was that you could see his tackle coming five seconds before he made his hit.)
David Beckham = Goldenballs (Named by his wife ‘Posh’ in her autobiography)
Eusebio = The ‘Black Panther’ (Excellent and quick center-forward)
Paul Ince = The ‘Guv’nor'(Always wanted to be, and was, in charge)
Zinedine Zidane = ‘Zizou’
Kevin Keegan = Mighty Mouse
Darren Anderton = Shaggy (After TV cartoon character) and Sicknote (Often unable to play due to injury)

Sports Humour, Funny Nicknames

Simon Barnes Law

Barnes’s Law of Senescence states that a great champion cannot be loved until the peak of ability is long past. One example is the great Steve Davis at the 2010 World Snooker Championship in Sheffield.

Tennis:

Rod Laver = The Rocket (His ace serve)
Roscoe Tanner = The Cannonball (His ace serve, too)

Basketball:

Earvin Johnson = ‘Magic’. (Few athletes are truly unique, changing the way their sport is played with their singular skills. Earvin ‘Magic’ Johnson was one of them)
Larry Joe Bird = Larry Legend. (Once every generation or so, a player comes along who can truly be called a superstar)
Oscar Robertson = the ‘Big O’, (He is recognized as one of the game’s most versatile players of all time)

American Football:

William Perry = The refrigerator (bulk and fridge emptying appetite)

Athletics:

Paavo Nurmi = Flying Finn.
Fanny Blankers-Koen = The Flying Dutchwoman.
‘Bullet’ Bob Hayes Olympic 100m and NFL Dallas Cowboys.
Miruts Yifter = Yifter the Shifter. I once saw Miruts Yifter out-kick Steve Ovett in a 5,000-meter race. I a poignant moment that confirmed Yifter’s greatness, and confined Ovett to shorter distances.

Olympic Games:

Eric the Eel = Eric Moussambani (Olympic swimmer Sydney 2000)
Eddie the Eagle = Eddie Edwards
Dis-onischenko = Boris Onishchenko disgraced fencer.

Stupid Sports Injuries

Will and Guy have researched these amusing, strange, and rather silly injuries suffered by some of our sporting stars:

Football Related Injuries

Lomana Tresor LuaLua will have a scan on the foot injury that has kept him out of Portsmouth’s last three matches in the English Premiership. The DR Congo striker damaged the joint of his left foot after celebrating an equalizer in the 1-1 draw against Arsenal on April 12 with a somersault. LuaLua, 25, had promised to refrain from back-flips until Pompey was safe from relegation in the Premiership but paid the price for a change of mind.

Dave Beasant, the former England goalkeeper, ruptured his ankle ligaments avoiding a falling bottle of salad cream he had just taken out of his fridge. He was injured for two months.

David James, an England goalkeeper, pulled a muscle in his back when reaching for a TV remote control. No wonder they call him ‘Calamity James’.

Santiago Canizares, Spain’s 2002 World Cup goalkeeper, missed the matches after he had dropped a bottle of cologne on his foot and injured it.

Rio Ferdinand, the England defender, injured a tendon behind his knee while watching TV with his foot up on a coffee table.

Derek Pringle, the former England cricketer, sat down to write a letter before a Test match and stretched back only to put his back out.

Silly American Injuries

Adam Eaton, the baseball pitcher, apparently stabbed himself while attempting to open a DVD in 2001.

Wade Boggs missed several games for the Winston-Salem Red Sox after hurting himself putting on his cowboy boots.

Vince Coleman missed the 1985 World Series after getting caught in the tarp machine.

[A tarp is a machine for removing the tarpaulin covering on a pitch]

Even Golf is not immune from silly injuries

Sam Torrance, the former Ryder Cup golfer, fractured his sternum in 1993 when he fell over a plant pot whilst sleepwalking. He almost missed the matches at the Belfry.

Tennis Jokes for Wimbledon

In Britain for two weeks in June, one of the four Grand Slam tennis tournaments is played at The All England Club, Wimbledon, just outside London. Here are some tennis jokes and funny pictures to celebrate the occasion.

Some Amusing Tennis Quotes:

To err is human. To put the blame on someone else is doubles. – Anonymous.
Why should you never fall in love with a tennis player? To them, “Love” means nothing.
I would so like to be Lenny Kravitz. – Roger Federer.
I wore that to a sixth-grade dance. – Robby Ginepri on Vince Spadea’s outfit in Miami.
I listen to him most of the time and some of the time I switch off. – Andy Murray on coach Brad Gilbert.
Diane – keeping her head beautifully on her shoulders. – Ann Jones
Zivojinovic seems to be able to pull the big bullet out of the top drawer. – Mike Ingham
If she gets the jitters now, then she isn’t the great champion that she is. – Max Robertson
McEnroe has got to sit down and work out where he stands. – Fred Perry
When Martina is tense it helps her relax. – Dan Maskell
We haven’t had any more rain since it stopped raining. – Harry Carpenter
These ball boys are marvelous. You don’t even notice them. There’s a left-handed one over there. I noticed him earlier. – Max Robertson
She comes from a tennis-playing family. Her father’s a dentist. – Anonymous BBC 2 Television presenter.

So that’s alright then? – No-tennis Tennis Court

Tennis – Doctor’s orders

Arnie, a management executive, has on his doctor’s orders, to take part in some form of sporting activity. Arnie decides to play tennis.

After a few weeks Moya, his secretary asks him how he’s doing.

‘It’s going very well, thanks,’ Arnie answers. ‘When I’m on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me, my brain immediately says: ‘To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!’

‘Really? What happens then?’ Moya enquires of Arnie, in some awe.

‘Then my body says, ‘Who? Me? You must be kidding!’

Both Will and Guy have some sympathy with Arnie.