Animal Jokes

Funny Chicken Jokes

One of the most popular animal jokes that we all know is about chickens. Before moving to the age-old question, “Why did the chicken cross the road?”, let’s first discuss animal jokes that discusses chicken jokes from a different angel:

One Wednesday, a Husband Took His Wife to the Doctor

‘Oh, doctor’, he said, ‘my wife thinks she’s a chicken’.

The doctor gasped, ‘That’s terrible.

How long has she been like that?’

The husband replied, ‘Three years’.

The doctor was horrified, ‘Three years!

Why didn’t you bring her to me sooner?’

The husband said sheepishly, ‘Because we needed the eggs.’

As you can see, such humor intertwined with the absurd is an integral part of animal jokes.

Here is a new twist on one of the eternal animal jokes: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Mother Hen: A True Funny Tale From China

A hen in China has reportedly adopted two orphaned puppy dogs after their mother died.

Owner, Cao Fengying, of Majiaqiao village, Jiashan town, China, says the hen was best friends with the puppy’s mother.

Will and Guy have learned that Cao reported, ‘The hen and the dog had been friends for two years. They would never fight but just play together. I thought the puppies would die after their mother went but the next morning I discovered that the puppies had gone missing. Then I heard the hen clucking in her coop. I looked over and saw that the little puppies were underneath the hen.’

The hen now looks after her adopted children, defending them if anyone approaches and letting them eat first at meal times. ‘Once I even saw the hen fight off several other chickens which were trying to steal the puppies’ food,’ continued Cao. This simple joke indeed reminds us wonders found in the world of animal jokes.

More Animal Jokes On Why The Chicken Crossed the Road

The next bunch of animal jokes are also about chickens, but specifically focus on the chickens that crossed the road.

Two Stupid Chickens

Chickens on the Road

On October the 11th 2007, a lorry load of chickens was being taken from a farm where they were raised to the slaughterhouse.  2,500 birds managed to carry out a daring escape on the A80 near Haggs in Scotland.

When the lorry jack-knifed, true to form, instead of heading for the hills, like headless chickens they dashed about all over the dual carriageway.  What they did achieve was to bring much of the traffic between Glasgow and Stirling to a halt.

We would like to wish the lorry driver a speedy recovery, for him it was not funny as he sustained severe back injuries.  Naturally, there were casualties amongst the chickens and about 500 died in the escape.

A Modern Phenomenon – Mobile Phone Pictures

This one is an intersection of traditional animal jokes with contemporary technology. While ‘Why did the chicken cross the road’ is an old chestnut, photographing anything that moves on a mobile phone is a relatively modern phenomenon.

To the police officers and chicken catchers, who were trying to catch the birds, it was irritating when a fleet of amateur paparazzi snapped their best efforts to capture the chickens.

Those filming on mobile phones became so annoying and intrusive that the police dispatched a special unit to take the registration numbers of the worst offenders.  At least 50 motorists can expect to receive £60 fixed penalty notices, (when the postal strike is over!).

Meanwhile, most of the chickens, who had known nothing but a battery existence, were disorientated by their sudden exposure to wide open spaces and just hung around in groups waiting to be captured. Local farmers said that wild chickens would have behaved in exactly the same stupid manner. However, one chicken made his getaway…

Why Did the Computer Chicken Cross the Road?

We’re continuing animal jokes with modern twists again.

• Assembler Chicken: First, it builds the road ……
• C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways.
• C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldn’t have to cross the road, you’d simply refer to him on the other side.

Self-Sufficient Chicken

Take a look at one of our animal jokes on this short comic:

Battery Hens Get Woolly Jumpers

More fascinating news of animal jokes has reached Will and Guy about Humans and Chickens.

Would you believe that we have found a lady who knits jumpers, and jerseys, for featherless chickens? A woman from Oxfordshire, England, has started knitting sweaters for the naked creatures. Previously she had been supplying local dogs with their woollies.

The jumpers are made from eyelash wool and were specially designed after the chickens’ measurements were taken.

Ms Blaine explained that measuring the chickens was problematic. ‘Obviously, they have quite small necks and big bodies,’ she said, ‘And I had to make room for the wings. It was a bit like knitting a funnel.’

This story introduces a heartwarming chapter to the collection of our favorite animal jokes.

Funny Animal Jokes on Cows

Will and Guy’s collection of amusing animal jokes featuring cows and a few bulls.

What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?  Laughing stock!

Cow Wash in Texas

Here’s another one of the best cow-related animal jokes:

Amusing Animal Jokes on True Cow

English dairy farmers keep their cows happy and productive by giving them regular brush-ups in
the cow wash.  They fit the oversized brush into their milking sheds, thus keeping the cows clean and content.

A DeLeval spokesman claimed that brushing improved the cows’ blood circulation, which in turn boosted milk production by 3.5%.

‘Daisy 153’ looks to be purring with pleasure! And hope you enjoyed one of the best animal jokes about cow grooming.

Cow Wash in England

But animal jokes on cowwashing don’t end here.

More Funny Animal Jokes on Cows

In this section, we’re going to introduce more animal jokes focused on cows.

Oh Dear, Cow Stuck in a Pylon

Short Cow Joke

What was the male calf doing in the corner of the field with his eyes closed?

Practicing his bull-dozin’

Although it’s short, you probably agree that this one is one of the best animal jokes on cows.

Worse – Cow Stuck in a Washing Machine

Another one of the animal jokes on cows has a peculiar twist. The RSPCA was called to rescue the heifer called ‘Spinner’ from a field at Higher Fraddon, Columb, Cornwall, England.  The cow had to be freed after getting her head stuck in a fly-tipped washing machine drum.

The lucky cow escaped injury after her ordeal, but the animal charity warned today that fly-tipping can cause animals harm. ‘It is one of the more unusual things we had had to rescue an animal from,’ said RSPCA spokeswoman Jo Barr. ‘Young cows are quite curious, and she probably thought there was some food inside the drum,’ she added.

A member of the public spotted the frustrated ‘Spinner’ trying to free herself from the metal drum. RSPCA inspector David Hobbs rescued the heifer, and she has since returned to her herd unharmed. That’s how our favorite of the animal jokes finished.

Lesson from these animal jokes: Keep your nose out of things that do not concern you.

The Last Word From Spinner: I used to like all farm vehicles but now I am an extractor fan!

Another Bovine Head Case

This funny story is an integral part of popular animal jokes. Members of the public spotted the bullock with its head on the ladder. An animal charity has rescued an animal in South Ayrshire, Scotland, which had got its head stuck in a ladder Will and Guy can reveal.

Members of the public called the Scottish SPCA [Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals] after spotting the bewildered beast in a field beside the Troon to Barassie road recently.

An inspector contacted the farmer who owned the Belgian Blue bullock and helped return it to the herd unharmed.  The farmer, who owns the bull, told Will and Guy that he had no idea how the ladder came to be in the field.

Frisky Cows

A Sussex policeman has been hospitalized after being attacked by a herd of young tearaways.  In this case, the violent gang consisted of 50 cows. Inspector Chris Poole received four broken ribs and a punctured lung after the normally docile animals butted and stamped on him when he was out walking his dog on the South Downs.  One angry cow charged him in the back, forcing him to the ground before the other members of the herd joined in.

Mr Poole said he only managed to escape when Zak, his faithful golden retriever, ran away and the cows chased after it.  Inspector Poole then managed to attract the attention of another dog walker, who called for an air ambulance.

The RSPCA said cows could become protective of their young to the point of becoming aggressive, especially if a large dog was nearby.  There are no plans to place an ASBO on the herd. This encounter might well remind us of the unexpected humor found in animal jokes.

Short Cow Jokes

Let’s continue animal jokes, especially those about cows that represent funny side of farm life:

• Two farmers are talking to each other over a 5-bar gate when one turns to the others and asks your cows smoke? No, answered the first one, surprised. Well, then your cowshed must be burning!
• What do you get if you milk a forgetful Frisian cow? Milk of Amnesia.
• Why did Daisy the cow wear a bell around her neck? Because her horn didn’t work.

True Life Cow Humour

True life events often provide the best material for animal jokes. This is especially well-represented on the following cow-related animal jokes:

My husband and I were watching the Western movie: “Chisholm”.

The evil lawmen are shooting innocent men, instead of bringing them to trial; Chisholm arrives, to prevent a massacre; he brings men on horseback and a herd of cattle, which plows through the town, causing dust, the sound of pounding hooves and loud mooing…

I ask my husband: “Are they providing a diversion?”

“Yes. But they are COW ACTORS. They GET PAID.”

I start to visualize the audition process. “Can you run fast, and moo loudly? Sorry, you are not mooing loud enough Cow No. 44. Next …”

Cow Awards

Believe it or not, some animal jokes even tell short stories of cow awards:

Bovine Actor of the Year:
MOOOLON BRANDO

Bovine Actress of the Year:
MARILYN MOOOOOONROE.

Incidentally, she was better than all the udders.

[Kindly sent in by June Faulding]

Funny Animal Jokes on Cows

Again, we keep on telling animal jokes about cows:

Have You Heard This One?

Two west country yokels were on the train heading homewards through Somerset, England when one of them noticed some cows.

‘What a lovely bunch of cows.’ he remarked.
‘Not a bunch, herd,’ his mate replied.

‘Heard of what?’
‘Herd of cows.’

‘Of course, I’ve heard of cows.’

‘No, a cow herd.’

‘What do I care what a cow heard?  I have no secrets to keep from a cow.’

More Funny Cow Pictures

Now, you can take a look at animal jokes about cows in some funny pictures:

Funny Farm

Short Animal Jokes on Cows

The following animal jokes are rather short but no less funny:

• Why does a milking stool have only three legs?
  Because the cow has the udder!
• Why did the cow jump over the moon?
  Because the milkmaid’s hands were cold.
• What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

Mad Cow Disease

Yes, animal jokes even tell stories of mad cows:

Two cows, Daisy and Ermintrude were chatting over the fence between their fields. Daisy speaks first, ‘I tell you, this mad cow disease is really pretty scary.  They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Thomas’s Farm.’

Ermintrude looks up and replies, ‘I’m not worried in the slightest, it doesn’t affect us chickens.’

BSE

Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy (BSE) is commonly known as Mad Cow Disease.
It is believed, but not proven, that the disease may be transmitted to human beings who eat infected meat.  An alternative explanation is that BSE is inhaled by coming into contact with the dust from products made from infected animals.

More Animal Jokes about Cows

The next bunch of our animal jokes are focused on cows in different life settings:

Political Cows

• Communism: You have two cows.  The government seizes them both and then gives you some sour milk.
• Capitalism: You have two cows.  You sell one and buy a bull.
• British democracy:  You have two cows.  You feed them sheep’s brains and they go mad. The government doesn’t do anything.
• Naziism: You have two cows. The Government shoots you and takes the cows.

Used Cows!

How to get your cow to market.  And they say that dogs look like their owners…..

This one of animal jokes is simple, yet exciting, isn’t it?

A Double Lesson

It turns out that sometimes we can even learn life lessons from animal jokes. Here’s how it goes:

A carload of hunters, on holiday, were looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer’s yard in County Waterford, Ireland. The driver, Brannagh, went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt on the farmer’s land.

The old farmer said, ‘Sure you can hunt, but would you be doing me a favor? That old donkey standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don’t have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?’

Brannagh replied, ‘Of course, I will,’ and strolled back to the car.

While walking back, however, Brannagh decided to play a trick on his hunting friends.  He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said if it was alright, he said, ‘No, we can’t hunt here, but I’m going to teach that old fellow a lesson he won’t forget.’

With that, the Irishman rolled down his window, stuck his gun out, and shot the donkey. As he shouted, ‘To be sure, that will teach him,’ a second shot rang out from the passenger side and one of his hunting mates yelled, ‘And me, begorrah, I got the cow.’

Interesting Facts About Cows

After discussing some cow-related animal jokes, now we think that you might be interested in hearing some facts about them:

• Cows really do give more milk when they listen to music in the milking parlor.  Ask your government for a grant to study the effect of music on milk production.  Then make your fortune by inventing an iPod for cows so they can listen to music as they graze!
• In the Indian language, the literal translation of the Sanskrit word for ‘War’ is, ‘we want more cows’
• It would take a huge herd of around 2,500 cows to supply the 20,000 Wilson footballs that the NFL needs for each season’s games.  However, no cows die when the English soccer season kicks off.  The reason is that soccer footballs are made from synthetic materials.
• Bamboozle the innumerate.  Tell them that it takes 20 pints of milk to make one pint of butter.  Then ask them how many gallons of milk would it take to make a gallon of butter.  (Naturally, the answer is 20 gallons.)

Funny Animal Jokes on Ducks

Here is Will and Guy’s collection of animal jokes, funny stories, and videos on the subject of ducks and chickens. First, let’s start with animal jokes on ducks:

An Example of Imprinting – Duck Road Calming

Ann Martin, 63, of Portesham, Dorset taught ducks to follow her from a nearby pond and then to cross the road.  Ann’s idea is to slow speeding drivers, especially during the rush hour.  Ann Martin, who is a local postmistress, said that drivers heading into Weymouth ‘use the village as a rat-run’.

Mother Duck’s Pride

The next one from our list of animal jokes represents mother duck’s pride:

Good Duck Joke

Billy, the traveling circus owner, walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a show.

On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. Billy was so impressed that he offered immediately to buy the duck from its owner. After some negotiations, they settled on a figure of $20,000 for the duck and the pot.

Four days later the circus owner, Billy, runs back to the bar in anger and shouts, ‘Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn’t dance a single step.’

‘So?’ asked the duck’s former owner calmly, ‘did you remember to light the candle under the pot?’

Hopefully, you agree that animal jokes on Billy the Duck are amusing.

Funny Duck Humour

A duck goes into a bar and says, ‘I would like a drink. I am old enough.’

The bartender replies, ‘You need to be able to prove who you are.’

The duck pulls out a mirror. He looks into it, nods his head, and says ‘Yep, that’s me.’

Duck Races

If you enjoy animal jokes that we discussed above, you’ll like this one as well:

Duck or Chicken?

Alice and Emile went for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and they ordered the ‘Chicken Surprise.’  The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as Alice is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

‘Good grief, did you see that?’ she asks her husband, Emile.  He hasn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. Emile reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

‘Please sir,’ stammers the waiter, ‘what did you order?’ Emile replies, ‘Chicken Surprise.’

‘Ah! So sorry, is mistake’ says the attendant, ‘I bring you Peeking Duck!’

The Kiss of Life Chicken Style

Marian Morris from Arkadelphia, Arkansas, resuscitated her brother’s pet chicken Boo Boo, and saved its life after it was found floating face down in the family’s pond.

Mrs Morris, a retired nurse, said, ‘I breathed into its beak, and its eyes popped open. I breathed into its beak again, and its eyes popped open again.

‘I said, ‘I think this chicken’s alive now. Keep it warm.’

Boo Boo got her name because she is easily frightened. It is thought she flopped into the pond after being startled.

She made a full recovery report The Sun online.

Funny Duck Tale

Alan is driving a pickup truck along the road with a flock of ducks in the back. He is stopped by a zealous police officer who informs Alan that he is speeding and then asks him where he’s going with all the ducks. Alan replies that he is not sure what to do with them. The policeman tells him helpfully, ‘Look, Marwell Zoo is not far from here and that’s a good place as any to take
them.’ Alan thanks the police officer and drives off with his ducks.

The next day the officer again sees the same pick-up truck hurtling down the road. This time, though, all the ducks in the back are wearing sunglasses. The officer pulls Alan over again and growls, ‘I thought I told you to take those ducks to the zoo.’

‘I did,’ responded Alan happily, ‘but now they want to go to Southsea Beach.’

And as you can see, sometimes animal jokes even feature duck tales.

Indian Runner Ducks

Not surprisingly, people who enjoy animal jokes find this picture amusing:

10 Interesting Facts About Ducks

Again, after discussing some animal jokes about ducks, let’s take a look at interesting facts about them:

1. Male ducks are called drakes, female ducks are called hens, while their hatchlings are called ducklings.
2. Ducks have three eyelids.
3. Contrary to some beliefs, when ducks quack they do have an echo, often too quiet to be heard.
4. Some ducks are able to fly about 332 miles a day.
5. A duck can live for between 2-12 years, depending on the species.
6. Ducks have webbed feet, which act like paddles.
7. Geese and swans are related to the duck.
8. Ducks never have cold feet since they do not have nerves or blood vessels in their feet.
9. Ducks line their nests with feathers they pluck from their chest
10. A duck’s feathers are waterproof.

Duck Places and Landmarks

• Duck is a town in Dare County, North Carolina, USA
• Duck Creek is a township in Madison County Indiana, USA.
• Duck Creek is a township in Adams County North Dakota, USA.
• Duck Creek is a township in Stoddard County Missouri, USA.
• Duck Creek is a township in Wilson County Kansas, USA.
• Duck Creek is in Ohio, USA.
• Duck Creek, can be found in Utah, USA.

Ducks Stroll Through Shop To Reach River

The fluffy new family had to be escorted to safety by shop staff after the ducklings hatched on a wall in the backyard of the Kidney Research UK charity store in St Ives, Cambridgeshire, England.  Their journey involved a 100-yard waddle through the store, across pavements, and over a busy road to the River Great Ouse quayside, where they plopped three feet down into the water.

Dozens of shoppers stopped and watched in amazement as the mallard and her ducklings ignored the bustle on the street and set off for a dip. Shop manager Carol Andrews informed Will and Guy that she has been chaperoning ducks through the store each Spring since it opened seven years ago.

Every year Mrs Andrews makes a ramp so the mother duck and her brood can get out of the yard and into the storeroom. She then helps them make their first journey to the river, guiding them through traffic and pedestrians. She believes it is the same mother duck who returns to have her ducklings in the safety of the enclosed backyard.

The *RSPB said it was unusual for ducks to nest in such a way but commended the shop’s staff for accommodating the mallard’s curious choice. A spokesperson told us, ‘Ducks tend to nest on the ground, so it’s quite unusual for one to nest on top of a high wall but it does happen. We have records of ducks nesting on balconies, especially if there is a lot of pressure for space. If this duck knows it has been safe on the wall in the yard in the past then she will go back.’

*Royal Society for the Protection of Birds [UK]

7 Meanings of Duck in the English Language

Understanding animal jokes about ducks is easier when you know these different meanings of ducks in the English language:

1. A duck is a short-legged water bird with webbed feet. Any of a variety of species of wild or domestic web-footed birds. Broilers and fryers are under 8 weeks; roasters are no more than 16 weeks old. Ducks are generally higher in fat than other domestic birds.
2. A closely woven, plain-weave cloth, usually made from cotton or linen yarns, similar to canvas. The terms canvas and duck have become almost generic and are usually qualified by terms that indicate the use of the cloth – e.g. in the Royal Navy, UK.
3. Duck: A pet, a darling, colloquial name in northern England – “love”. [Shakespeare]
4. Duck: To go under the surface of water and immediately reappear; to dive; to plunge the head in water or other liquid.
5. To move the head or body quickly downwards or away; ‘Before he could duck, another stone struck him.’
6. In the game cricket = a score of nothing by a batsman. Other ducks in cricket are:
   – Golden Duck: When a player is dismissed for the first ball he faced, it is called a Golden Duck.
7. – Diamond Duck: When a player is dismissed without facing a ball (usually run out) is
   called a Diamond Duck
8. – Pair: When a player is dismissed for naught in both innings of the same two-inning match it’s called a Pair.
   – King Pair: If a player is dismissed with the first ball in both innings it is called a King Pair.
9. Lame duck = A person or thing that isn’t properly able to function,
   especially one that was previously proficient.

Cockney Meaning of Duck

Duck and Dive is cockney* rhyming slang for “Hide”.

*Cockney rhyming slang is not a language but a collection of phrases used by “Cockneys” and other Londoners. A true “Cockney” is someone born within the sound of Bow Bells. [St Mary-le-Bow Church in Cheapside, London, England]. Examples include:

English	Rhymes with	Cockney
Feet	Plates of meat	Plates
Teeth	Hampstead Heath	Hampstead
Legs	Scotch eggs	Scotches
Eyes	Mince pies	Minces
Arms	Chalk Farms	Chalk Farms
Hair	Barnet Fair	Barnet
Head	Loaf of bread	Loaf
Face	Boat race	Boat race
Mouth	North and south	North and south

Funny Animal Jokes on Elephants

Next, we’ll move on to animal jokes on one of my favorite animals – elephants.

Elephants remind me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and
for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. WC Fields

Baby Elephant picture – Calf having fun

What joy.  Wouldn’t you love to be that baby elephant playing in the water?  Incidentally, adult elephants can hold up to 10 liters of water in their trunks.

Rare Picture of an Elephant Swimming

Is the elephant keeping dry?

Elephant playing football

The baby elephant brings an extra dimension to football – his trunk.  Will he play better when his tusks arrive?  Or would they puncture the football?

Judging by the large ears, this footballer is an African elephant.  The baby elephant playing in the water (top of page) may be an Indian elephant, however, I find it difficult to be sure because of the angle of the ears.

Elephants Keeping Fit

The old tricks are the best

Even though we have fabulous special effects in the cinema and on DVD, we don’t have the old big top circus with a dozen elephants all able to do tricks like the above.  All we have of the old ‘Three ring circus’ is the saying and for those of us fortunate to have seen Billy Smart’s circus in the 1950s, wonderful memories.  My American cousins say that Barnum and Bailey had bigger and better elephants, however, they blew their cred with the claim that America invented the Elephant.

As we say – the old tricks are the best, this baby elephant still has a lot to learn!  See the funny elephant picture below.

Elephant’s Nest

Logic says that elephants just don’t nest in trees.  Close inspection reveals that the ‘Elephant’s nest’ is somewhat off the ground, thus the elephant could not have just sat on a bundle of sticks just off the ground.

When we magnify the picture it looks as though the tree is in sharp focus, but the elephant is slightly blurred.  Could it be that someone transposed a clear JPEG file of an elephant over another image of a very large nest?

However, when all is said and done, it would make a great picture to go with a pub called: ‘The Elephant’s Nest’

The Story of Elephant Painting

Firstly, Five is an unusual name, especially for an African Elephant.  Secondly, Five has come up with an unusual use for her trunk – she uses it to paint!

With help from her keeper, Five has painted more than 50 works of art.  Painting experts even think that her unique contemporary style is worthy of an exhibition exhibition.  Even better, her masterpieces are in demand and you could buy one at the West Midland Safari Park in Bewdley, Worcestershire.

Back to that strange name, Five was one of three African Elephants that were brought to England from an elephant orphanage in South Africa – when she was five years old.  That was back in 1998, thus she is 14 going on 15 in 2007.  Elephant ages and maturity are not unlike humans, thus Five would now be considered a teenager in the elephant world.

Polo elephant forgets what he’s meant to be doing – From Thailand

It’s easy to forget how strong elephants are.  Here a polo elephant pushes over a 4×4 vehicle with a playful nudge.

Another Naughty Elephant Picks Up a Bike

Maybe these drivers should have obeyed the sign:  Danger elephants crossing:

Naughty Elephants have a Snack

Meanwhile:  Keepers have re-captured one of the elephants!

Is this an amusing picture of an elephant statue?  Or a worrying picture of an elephant in transit?

Elephants Story – Prevent Democracy in Sri Lanka

The Sri Lankan Daily News has informed Will and Guy that a herd of wild elephants blocked the access road for voters heading to vote in polling booths in Wellaveli, eastern Sri Lanka. Security forces had to use loud hailers to drive away the wild elephants after the villagers, in Wellaveli, complained that they were unable to vote. The police and army were able to draw away the herd
after a few hours and said the roads have now apparently been cleared.

Elephants Get Their Boots

Two Asian elephants have been fitted with breathable waterproof boots to relieve chronic foot lesions.  Keepers at the Singapore Zoo tried acupuncture and compresses, but they were not as effective as the boots.  Vets fitted the female elephants Jamilah and Tun with the special boots.  Tun, 20, has one front leg longer than the other.  Her problems started when a male elephant mounted her and caused her to buckle.

More Elephant Care

Mocha, a female Indian elephant, lost her right front leg when she stood on a landmine on the Thai-Myanmar border.  Mocha was severely injured and might have had to be put down.

Experts at the Friends of the Asian Elephant Hospital in northern Thailand’s Lampang province have come to her aid and manufactured and fitted a false leg.

The artificial limb is made from canvas the vets are hoping she can soon be set safely free on her own four feet again.  Will and Guy hope that when she is released Mocha will have a full and happy life, safe from poachers.

Differences between African and Indian Elephants

Before we continue telling animal jokes, let’s first understand the difference between African and Indian elephants.

The African elephants (Loxodonta africana) are the ones with the bigger ears.  African elephants are also taller and heavier than their Indian cousins (Elephas maximus).  A large African elephant could be 12ft at the shoulder and weigh 8 tons.  Mostly elephants amble serenely at human walking speed, but in a stampede, they could reach 25 mph, which is faster than an Olympic sprinter.

They say an elephant never forgets.  This is also good news for other elephants and they care for members of their family if they become ill or injured by poachers.

In African elephants, both males and females have enlarged incisors which develop into the famous tusks.  Whereas, in Indian elephants, tusks development is much greater in males than females. Confusingly, some Indian male elephants don’t develop tusks, thus you cannot rely on the presence of tusks to determine the gender of an Indian elephant.

Another difference is in the shape of the back, the African elephants dip, and you could imagine a gigantic saddle fitting on their back.  The Indian elephant on the other hand has a level or slightly convex back, saddling would be more difficult.

If you get a close look at the trunk, the Indian elephant has only one ‘finger’ at the end of its trunk, whereas the African elephant has two lips or fingers.  The picture to the right also illustrates how the trunk is an extension of the nose.  While you cannot see the tips of the trunks in our pictures, you should be able to see from the ears that the ‘Polo elephant’ is Indian, while ‘Five’ the painting elephant has to be African.

It’s also worth checking the toes on the hind feet.  Both African and Indian elephants have five toes on the forelegs, so that does not help discriminate.  However, the hind legs may reveal a
difference.  Only three toes are a strong indicator of an African elephant, while five toes would almost certainly mean an Indian elephant.

That leaves the situation where you see four toes on the hind legs, most likely this is an Asian elephant.

Best Elephant Joke

Nick is standing at the customs desk at the ferry port with a large crate.

‘Anything to declare, jewelry, alcohol, livestock?’ barks the Customs officer. ‘Nothing’, replies Nick.

The Customs officer opens the crate, and there inside is an elephant between two slices of bread. ‘I thought you said no livestock?’ explodes the customs officer.

Nick looks at him with surprise and answers mildly, ‘What’s it to you what I have in my sandwiches?’

Cringing Elephant Joke

The town’s bank manager called the police station to report a robbery.

‘You’ll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my bank, and the doors opened. Out comes these robbers and they lead an elephant out of the truck. The elephant then breaks through my plate glass window, sticks his trunk in, and sucks up all the money. Then the gang led the elephant back into the truck. The robbers closed the truck doors and the truck pulled away.’

The desk sergeant said, ‘Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an African elephant or an Indian elephant?’

‘How can you tell the difference?’ asked the bank manager.

‘Well,’ said the sergeant, ‘The African elephant has great big ears whereas the Indian elephant
has little ears. So which kind of elephant was used in the robbery?’

‘How should I know? I couldn’t see his ears,’ said the bank manager. ‘He had a stocking over his head.’

Interesting Facts About Elephants

• A group of elephants can be called a ‘memory of elephants’, although a herd is a more common collective noun.  On a related theme, elephants follow cattle in that the females, males, and offspring are called, cows, bulls, and calves respectively.
• The elephant’s memory is legendary, what is not so well known is they have a special ceremony for greeting a long-lost member of the herd. In this greeting ceremony, both elephants flap their ears, trumpet, and generally express joy.
• It would be easy to be fooled into thinking that elephants drink through their trunks; in fact, they use the trunk as a funnel to collect water, but then pour it into their mouth.  Sometimes elephants choose to spray themselves with the water rather than drinking it.  Incidentally, there are no bones in an elephant’s trunk.
• An elephant detective could track an elephant by following their individual footprints.  What would help such stalking is the elephant’s habit of using the same paths as their ancestors.
• Elephants display ‘right-handedness’, not in their limbs, but in their tusks.  Close examination of an elephant’s tusks will reveal that one tusk has a blunter tip and is thicker than its less favored counterpart.  The reason for this difference is that in their natural habitat elephants use their tusk(s) for gathering food and digging for water.  Consequently, the tusk on their favorite becomes more developed but blunter.
• Elephant’s ivory poses a terrible dilemma, it’s a wonderful and versatile material, but the fact that tusks are so valuable encourages poaching.  It seems particularly obscene to think of such a noble, sensitive, joyous animal suffering at the hands of barbaric poachers. All that Will and Guy can do about it is not to buy anything made of ivory.
• The gestation period of mammals is in proportion to their size. Thus, pregnancy in mice lasts about 21 days, whereas in elephants it takes over 21 months.

Funny Animal Jokes on Horses

Warning: readers who send me horse burger emails will have them marked as spam. But as for me, the following animal jokes are phenomenal.

Punters Choice: Tesco Horse Burgers

The Food Standards Agency detected horses in Tesco BEEF burgers.  In this age of DNA testing, how on earth did Tesco and other supermarkets think they get away with passing off horsemeat as beef?

The facts: Food Standards tested 27 beef products and found that 10 contained horse DNA.  That wasn’t all, a further 23 beef items contained pig DNA!

FSAI investigators said the findings raised concerns about “the traceability of meat ingredients and products entering the food chain”. They added that Jews and Muslims may have unwittingly eaten pork.

Horse Burger Animal Jokes

• Joe Manning has been taken to hospital after eating horsemeat burgers.  A doctor said: ‘Joe’s condition is stable’.
• Our butcher asked me, ‘Guy, do you like horsemeat in your burgers? Tell me: Yay or Neigh?’
• Debbie had a Tesco burger and now she is feeling a little horse.
• Another girl said: ‘Those Tesco burgers were rather meaty, I prefer My Lidl Pony.’
• Traces of Zebra have been uncovered in Aldi barcodes.
• There was an old woman who swallowed a horse, she’d been to Tesco, of course.
• At least we now realize what’s in Tesco beef burgers, that’s the mane thing.  But Watch out for the Shergar cheeseburger.

New Tesco Burgers

A government health spokesperson announced that all those who ate Tesco burgers high in Shergar are in stable condition.

Next step: Scientists are analyzing Tesco’s veggie burgers for uni-quorn.

Every Cloud Has a Silver Lining.

I thought you might like to know that an immigration surge of 4 MILLION from Romania and Bulgaria is much less likely now, as we have eaten all their transport.

I selected some burgers on the Tesco website. And then click ‘Add to cart.’

More Meaty Animal Jokes on Horses

I went to a Tesco cafĂ© yesterday and ordered a burger. They asked me if I wanted anything on it, and I said: ‘Yes – a fiver each way.’

Does anyone have a toothpick? I had a Tesco burger last night and there’s still a bit between my teeth.

I bought an ‘award-winning’ Findus burger. I didn’t realize they meant it had won the Cheltenham Gold Cup.

Collection of Silly Bee Animal Jokes

Traveling Bees

• What sort of vehicle does a bee drive?  An automobeel.
• What sort of car does a rich bee drive? A Bee-mer (BMW).
• How does the queen get around her hive?  She’s throne.
• Where do the bees like to go on holiday?  To the beech.
• How do bees travel to school?  By school buzz!
• Why did the bee cross the road?  Just bee-cause!

Seven Literary Bees

1. Who is the bee’s favorite pop group?  The Bee Gees.
2. Who is the bee’s favorite singer?  Sting.
3. What’s a bee’s favorite novel?  The Great Gats-bee!
4. What kind of bee can’t be understood? A mumble bee!
5. What did the bee say to the bluebottle? I must fly now but I’ll give you a buzz later.
6. Why did the bee start quoting poetry?  He was waxing lyrical!
7. Why do bees hum?  Because they’ve forgotten the words.

Silly Bees

• What does the queen bee do when she burps?  Issues a royal pardon.
• What kind of bees drop things?  Fumble bees.
• What is a bee’s favorite food?  Bee-nut butter and honey sand-wiches.
• What do bees take to stay healthy?  Their bee-vitamins.
• Why did the bee go to the dermatologist?  Because it had hives.
• What’s the most dangerous bee in the world? Hepatitis B.
• Why did the bees go on strike?  Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers!

Philosophical Bees

• To bee or not to bee – Shakespeare
• To do is to bee – Nietzsche
• To bee is to do – Sartre
• Do bee do bee do-  Sinatra

Amorous Bees

• How do bees get married?  They are bee-toothed.
• What do bees use to do their hair? A honeycomb!
• What did the drone call the queen? His bee-loved.
• What did the bee say to the flower?  Hello Honey!
• Why did the beekeeper cross his bees with glow worms?  So his bees could work in the dark.

More Animal Jokes

How do you stop a rooster from crowing on a Sunday?
Eat it on a Saturday.

Father Kipper to son:  Smoking is bad, you must give it up.
Son Kipper in reply:  I know – I’ve been cured.

Why did the elephant have big ears?
Because Noddy wouldn’t pay his ransom.

What has 12 legs, 6 eyes, and 3 tails but still cannot see?
3 Blind mice.

What do you get if cross a steer with a tadpole?
A bullfrog.

Why is a psychiatrist like a squirrel?
They are both surrounded by nuts.

What did the Tigress say when she taught her cubs to hunt?
Don’t go over the path until you see the zebra crossing.

What if you cross a gorilla with a skunk?
You always get a seat on the train.

What did the duck say when she bought some lipstick?
Put it on the bill.

Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to the other tide.

What did the sardine call the submarine?
A can full of people.

Where do crabs go to borrow money
To the prawn broker.

What’s a squirrel’s favorite ballet
The Nutcracker.

Why did Bo-Peep lose her sheep?
She had a crook with her.

Where do you find a hippo?
Depends on where you left him.

What did one flea say to another after a night out?
Shall we walk home, or shall we take this dog?

What do you call a cat wearing heavy shoes?
Puss in boots.

What happened when the cat swallowed a dollar?
There was money in the kitty.

Which bird is always out of breath?
A puffin.

What is another name for a cow?
A lawn moo-er.

Why did the monkey leave the circus?
He was sick of working for peanuts.

Snail Jokes

In the following sections, we’ll review animal jokes on snails:

Snail Joke

What is a slug?
A snail with a housing problem.

What’s the difference between a politician and a snail?
One is slimy, a pest, and leaves a trail everywhere, and the other is just a snail.

What did the snail say to his ex-wife?
‘I’M STILL LEAVING YOU!’

Why did the shy snail drink?
‘To come out of his shell!’

Why did the snail cross the road?
I don’t know but I’ll let you know when it gets here.

I took my new snail buddy home with me today. He took one look at my house and said,
“Wow! I wouldn’t want to carry that on my back!”

I bought a racing snail once. He got slow so I took his shell off….. but that just made him sluggish…

George goes to a Halloween party with a woman on his back.
The host asks him, “What are you, George?”
He answers, “I’m a snail.”

The host says, “And who’s that on your back?”
George replies, “That’s Michelle!” (My shell)

Another Snail Joke

A snail goes into a Cadillac dealership and buys a fast, new car. But when he buys it he has particular instructions for the dealer.
“I want you to give it a paint job,” says the snail.

“Sure, what color do you want?” says the dealer.
“I want you to paint a big red S on the hood, the doors, the roof, and the trunk,” instructs the snail.

“Sure thing,” says the dealer, “but can I ask why?”
The snail looks at him and explains: ” So when I go driving up and down the strip all the people watching me say, “Look at that S Car Go!!!!

Goat Joke

In Warsaw, Poland, Solly visits his rabbi and complains, ‘Life is unbearable. There are nine of us living in one room. What can I do?’

The rabbi answers, ‘Take your goat into the room with you.’

Solly is incredulous, ‘What?’ but the rabbi insists, ‘Do as I say and come back in a week.’
A week later Solly comes back looking even more distraught than before, ‘We cannot stand it,’ Solly explains to the rabbi, ‘the goat is filthy.’

The rabbi then tells Solly, ‘Go home and let the goat out. Come back in a week.’

Solly, now radiant, returns to the rabbi a week later, exclaiming, ‘Life is beautiful. We enjoy every minute of it now that there’s no goat; only the nine of us.’

A Well Well-Known But Funny Koala Joke

Joey the youthful koala walks into a bar, sits down, makes himself comfortable, and orders a sandwich.

Joey eats the sandwich, stands up, spins around, and pulls a pistol out of his pouch, [remember he is a marsupial] he shoots the piano player and proceeds to walk out of the bar.

The bartender, in shock, shouts loudly at Joey, ‘Oy you! Who do you think you are, you ate my sandwich and shot my piano player, and just where do you think you’re going?’

Joey answers promptly, ‘Listen up mate, I’m a koala. Look it up.’

The apoplectic bartender takes down the Chambers dictionary from behind the bar and looks up the word – Koala: The dictionary says: “n. a marsupial that eats shoots and leaves.”

A Less Well-Known But Hilarious Koala Joke

A doctor’s surgery put an advert in the local paper: “Receptionist wanted. Must be able to type, send emails, and speak five languages.”

As soon as the ad appeared the surgery door opened and in scampered Joey the koala.

Joey nodded his head towards the advertisement but the doctor man shook his head commenting, ‘I’m afraid we can’t give you the job. You have to be able to type.’

Joey climbed up onto the chair next to the desk and typed away.

Again the doc shook his head saying, ‘You have to be able to send emails.’

Joey the koala immediately sent an email to [email protected]

The doctor shook his head yet again, this time murmuring, ‘You have to be able to speak five languages.’

Joey replied clearly, ‘Woof, miaow, moo, baa, oink.’

Funny Bull Joke

• What do you call a sleeping bull?
• A bull-dozer!