These courtroom questions and answers are taken from a little book called ‘Disorder in the Court’.
For example:
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
True conversations between lawyers and witnesses
Date of Birth
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: December twenty-fifth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Memory
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that You’ve forgotten?
Memory takes two
Q: How old is your son one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
What’s in a name?
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that Thursday?
A: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
More funny courtroom exchanges between lawyers and witnesses
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty. Norm Crosby
Milestone
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Accident?
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the car crash?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Eye Queue
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Horn Player
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played horn for ten years. I even went to school for it.
True courtroom conversations between lawyers and defendant
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Trooper
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Doctor (1)
Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
Doctor (2)
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Really Silly (1)
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Really Silly (2)
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Really Silly (3)
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Indescribable
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Quick, Short, Funny Court Appearance
Jerry Bartle was arrested and put on trial for robbing a local shop at gunpoint. In his wisdom, he decided that he would represent himself in court. He appeared to be doing reasonably well until the shop’s owner took the stand to give his evidence.
She had identified him immediately as the robber when Bartle jumped up and yelled, ‘You’re lying! I should have blown your head off!’ He paused, then added, ‘If I had been the one that was there.’
The jury found him guilty and Jerry Bartle was sentenced to thirty years imprisonment.
Footnote: Please send in your funny courtroom exchanges. For example, Ben Payne sent this:
More funny courtroom exchanges between lawyers and witnesses
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
More True Conversations between Lawyers and Witnesses
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Trooper
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Doctor (1)
Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
Doctor (2)
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Really Silly (1)
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Really Silly (2)
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Really Silly (3)
Gender?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true? Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Quick, Short, Funny Court Appearance
Jerry Bartle was arrested and put on trial for robbing a local shop at gunpoint. In his wisdom, he decided that he would represent himself in court. He appeared to be doing reasonably well until the shop’s owner took the stand to give his evidence.
She had identified him immediately as the robber when Bartle jumped up and yelled, ‘You’re lying! I should have blown your head off!’ He paused, then added, ‘If I had been the one that was there.’
The jury found him guilty and Jerry Bartle was sentenced to thirty years imprisonment.
More Funny Courtroom Exchanges between Lawyers and Witnesses
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Short, Funny, Magistrates Court Story
This hilarious story was researched online by Will and Guy and may make you laugh at the stupidity of some people. We cannot, however, vouch for its veracity.
A man arrived at the magistrates court, he was charged with impersonating a policeman.
On arrival he was wearing a blue baseball cap with the word ‘police’ on it; and a fluorescent yellow jacket, with ‘police’ on it, he was carrying a truncheon and a can of CS spray, and he had blue flashing lights in his car.
You will, no doubt wish to know how he came to be arrested. It happened like this: he flagged down a car with two men in it, pulled them over, and said ‘Police. You’re nicked.’
They answered, ‘No mate. You’re not police – we are.’ Funnily, he had stopped two off-duty detectives in an unmarked police car and so ended up in court.
You could not invent a story like it.
Footnote: Please send in your funny courtroom exchanges and transcripts. For example, Ben Payne sent this:
Funny Courtroom Transcript
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Finding a Priest Or a Lawyer
Betty and Martin were about to get married. Just before the wedding, they were tragically killed in a car crash. When they arrived at the gates of heaven they explained to St. Peter that they were about to be married on earth and that now they would very much like to be married in heaven.
St. Peter said, ‘Betty and Martin you are a deserving couple, wait here in the reception room. He was gone for several months then, at last, St Peter returned.
Martin said, ‘We’ve been thinking as we were waiting here, eternity is a long time to be married’. Betty chipped in, ‘We were wondering if the marriage did not work you arrange for a divorce?’
St. Peter was exasperated, and then said ‘Look! It took me 6 days to find a priest up here in heaven. How long do you think it would take me to find a lawyer?
