Amusing Religious Children Jokes and Stories
- He who sits in the heavens shall laugh. – Psalms 2:4
The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell – A Funny Story
Will and Guy have been sent the following Children jokes by a regular site visitor to our site.
Apparently, a child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. Having read it and, indeed, laughed at its contents we are not convinced that it is a child’s piece of work; we feel that it may be fabricated and specially concocted to fit the playful nature of children jokes.
However, we hope these children jokes will bring a smile to your face.
The Hilarious Tale of Judas Asparagus
This story is full of innocence that’s familiar to children jokes:
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one’, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did.
Then God made the world. He split Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check. After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humour thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came to David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me. After Solomon, there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor-league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. [I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’]
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. The pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminium. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
This bible story perfectly reflects the essence of religious children jokes.
Religious Stories for Children by Children
Sometimes children create children jokes for children. Below, you can read religious children jokes:
Dear God
Maybe Cain and Abel would kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother
Larry.
Attributes of God – As Seen by Children
Below are true attempts by kids to list some of the attributes of God. Some of them are nearly right after all, others, just unpardonable and sound like children jokes.
These children jokes are kindly sent in by Kerphas Gyamphi.
- God is married to Mercy.
- God is man and woman.
- God is very muscular, very strong.
- God is impotent (What this kid meant was ”omnipotent”)
- God is ancient, he knows everything.
- God is jealous. (Well, that’s somewhere in Exodus 20)
- God is invisible
More Amusing Religious Stories for Children
Now, let us introduce some more religious children jokes and stories.
Does God Exist? An Amusing, Funny, and Logical Story
Let’s start with an amusing story that’s closer to the spirit of most children jokes.
Abdullah entered a barber’s shop to have his hair and his beard cut as usual. He began a conversation with Masoud, the barber who attended to him. They talked about many things and various subjects. Casually, they touched the subject of God when Masoud stated, ‘Look Abdullah, I don’t believe that God exists as you tell me.’
‘Why on earth do you say that?’ inquired Abdullah, leading to a dialogue in question-and-answer format popular in children jokes.
‘Well, it’s so easy; you just have to go out in the street to realize that God does not exist. Listen, if God existed, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can’t think of a God who permits all of these things,’ pronounced Masoud. This observation could easily transition into the moral lessons of children jokes.
Abdullah, not wishing to start an argument with his friend and barber kept silent, thinking. Masoud completed the hair and beard trim and Abdullah paid and left the shop. As he did so he saw another man in the street who had unkempt, long hair and a beard and it was obvious that
a long time had elapsed since he had his cut.
Smiling to himself, Abdullah returned to Masoud’s shop. Once inside he said, ‘You know what, Masoud, barbers do not exist.’
‘What?’ exclaimed Masoud, ‘How come they don’t exist? Here and I am and I’m a barber.’
‘No!’ Abdullah countered, ‘they don’t exist because if they did there would be no people with long hair and beards like that man over there in the street.’
‘Ah, barbers do exist,’ answered Masoud, ‘ what happens is that people do not always come to me for haircuts.’
‘Exactly,’ affirmed Abdullah conclusively. ‘That’s the point. God does exist, what happens is people don’t go to Him and do not look for Him that’s why there’s so much pain and suffering in the world.’
This exchange could easily fit into a collection of children jokes that show their playful humor.
Story adapted, by Will and Guy, from an Islamic tale.
The Man in the Glass: A Poem With Meaning
When you get what you want in your struggle for yourself And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to a mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that man has to say. For it isn’t your father or mother or wife,
Who judgment upon you must pass;
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life is the one staring back from the glass.
He’s the fellow to please, never mind all the rest.
For he’s with you clear up to the end,
And you’ve passed the most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years.
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be the heartaches and tears
If you’ve cheated the man in the glass.
Author: Dale Wimbrow, Copyrighted in 1934
Good Religious Story for Children
Now, let’s take a look at some religious stories that contain children jokes:
Faith Can Move Mountains
A small congregation in the foothills of the Great Smoky Mountains, USA, built a new church on a piece of land left to them by a church member in his will.
Ten days before the new church was to open, the local building inspector informed the vicar that the parking lot was inadequate for the size of the building. Until the church doubled the size of the parking lot, they would not be able to use the new sanctuary.
Unfortunately, the church with its undersized parking lot had used every inch of their land except for the mountain against which it had been built. To build more parking spaces, they would have to move the mountain out of the backyard.
Undaunted, the pastor announced the next Sunday morning that he would meet that evening with all members who had “mountain-moving faith”. They would hold a prayer session asking God to remove the mountain from the backyard and to somehow provide enough money to have it paved and painted before the scheduled opening dedication service the following week.
At the appointed time, 24 of the congregation’s 300 members assembled for prayer. They prayed for nearly three hours. At ten o’clock the pastor said the final ‘Amen’.
‘We’ll open next Sunday as scheduled,’ he assured everyone. ‘God has never let us down before, and I believe He will be faithful this time too.’
The next morning as he was working in his study there came a loud knock at his door. When he called “come in”, a rough-looking construction foreman appeared, removing his hard hat as he entered.
‘Excuse me, Reverend. I’m from Acme Construction Company over in the next county. We’re building a huge new shopping mall over there and we need some fill dirt. Would you be willing to sell us a chunk of that mountain behind the church? We’ll pay you for the dirt we remove and pave all the exposed areas free of charge if we can have it right away. We can’t do anything else until we get the dirt in and allow it to settle properly.’
The little church was dedicated the next Sunday as originally planned and there were far more members with “mountain-moving faith” on opening Sunday than there had been the previous week.
The author of these children jokes is unknown.
In The Church
When my older brother, Shay, was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion.
On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, ‘What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?’ Mum whispered something in Shay’s ear.
Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn’t say, ‘Be quiet until you get back to your seat.’
Now, he probably considers this story as one of the children jokes from his childhood.
The Hungry Children Fed: A Thought-provoking Short Religious Story
The short religious story below reflects the emotions from common children jokes.
Marge, a poor widow spoke one morning to her five young children, ‘My darlings, I can give you nothing to eat this morning. I have no bread or anything else to eat. Ask the dear Lord to help us. He is rich and mighty, and has said to Himself, “Call upon me in the day of trouble, and I will deliver thee.” ‘
Little Robyn, who was just seven years old, was very hungry and sad as she walked to school. As she passed by the open door of the church, she went in, and kneeling down, she prayed with a loud voice in what she thought was an empty church, ‘Dear Father in Heaven, we children have nothing to eat. Our mother has no bread, no meal, not even a piece of fruit. O, help us. Give us and our dear mother something to eat. Thou art rich and mighty, and can easily help us.’
So prayed little Robyn trusting with her childlike simplicity, then she continued to school.
When he came home, she saw upon the table a large loaf of bread, a dish of meal, and a basket of fruits. ‘Now, thanks to God,’ she cried joyfully, ‘He has heard my prayer. Mother, has an angel brought all these things through the window?’
‘No, my little Robyn,’ said Marge, her mother, ‘but still God has heard your prayer. As you kneel at the altar, a good lady was kneeling also in her place in the church. You could not see her, but she saw you and heard your prayer. She has sent us these things. She is the angel through whom God has helped us. Now, thank God, and never forget through your whole lives to “call upon God in your day of trouble.” ‘
Similar to most children jokes above, this story is adapted by Will and Guy, from a Christian story.
A Thought-provoking Short Story Suitable For Children
This time, we’ll focus on short story that’s suitable for those who enjoy reading children jokes.
Trust In The Lord
The children jokes below are fiction, only for the purpose of explanation and easy understanding, and have been adapted from the original by Will and Guy.
The night fell heavy in the heights of the mountains and Barney could not see anything. All was black. Zero visibility, and the moon and the stars were covered by clouds.
As he was climbing only a few feet away from the top of the mountain, Barney slipped and fell into the air, falling at great speed. He could only see black spots as he went down, and the terrible sensation of being sucked by gravity. Barney continued falling and in the moments of great fear, it came to his mind all the good and bad episodes of his life. He was thinking now about how close his death was, when all of a sudden, he felt the rope tied to his waist pull him very hard. Barney’s body was left hanging in the air. Only the rope was holding him and in that moment of stillness he had no other choice other than to shout, ‘Help me God.’ From the sky a deep voice boomed, ‘What do you want me to do?’
‘Save me, God,’ pleaded Barney.
‘Do you really think I can save you, Barney?’ the voice resonated.
‘Of course, I believe You can.’
‘Then cut the rope tied to your waist,’ the voice boomed.
There was a moment of silence and Barney thought then decided to hold on to the rope with all his strength. The next day the rescue team found a climber dead and frozen. His body hanging from a rope. His hands holding tight to it………and he was only one foot away from the ground.
Sound Advice from the Book of Ecclesiastes
Again, these children jokes are based on religious teachings:
For everything, there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, And a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.
The children jokes are adapted from Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8
Christmas Children Jokes | Xmas Riddles for Children
Here is Will and Guy’s collection of Christmas children jokes.
Christmas Children jokes and Riddles
Let’s start with some basic Christmas-themed children jokes:
- What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite.
- What type of candle burns longer? None, they all burn shorter!
- What do you get if Santa comes down your chimney when the fire is ablaze? Crisp Kringle.
- What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has No L (Noel).
- What do you get if you team Santa with a detective? Santa Clues!
7 Christmas Children Jokes on Crackers
Funny how these children jokes also make adults smile!
Q. How do snowmen travel around?
A. By riding an icicle.
Q. Where do Snowwomen like to dance?
A. At Snowballs.
Q. Why do reindeer scratch themselves?
A. Because they’re the only ones who know where they itch.
Q. Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
A. Because he had low ‘elf’ esteem.
Q: What’s red and white and black all over?
A: Santa Claus after he slid down the chimney.
Q. Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory?
A. Because he couldn’t concentrate.
Q. Mum, can I please have a cat for Christmas:
A. No. You’ll have turkey the same as the rest of us.
Hopefully, these Q&A children jokes made you smile. Let’s continue children jokes on Christmas meals.
Child Says a Prayer for the Christmas Meal
Lee, A seven-year-old boy, was asked to say thanks for the Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. Lee began his prayer, thanking God for his Mommy, Daddy, brothers, sister, Grandma, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food.
He gave thanks for the turkey, the stuffing, the Christmas pudding, and even the cranberry sauce. Then Lee paused, and everyone waited … and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, ‘If I thank God for the Brussels sprouts, won’t he know that I’m lying?’
If you also hate veggies, chances are that this and many other children jokes resonate with you.
Another Batch of Really Funny Children Jokes For Christmas
In this section, we’ll continue telling some more Christmas-themed children jokes:
- What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine?
- This will sleigh you.
- Why doesn’t Santa suffer from claustrophobia when climbs down the chimney?
- Because has had his flu jab.
- What did Cinderella say when the chemist lost her photographs?
- Someday my prints will come. (Prince)
- What do you get from a pampered cow?
- Spoiled milk.
- What do lions sing at Christmas?
- Jungle bells!
- What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
- Nothing. It just let out a little wine.
Snippet for the Adults!
Oh, quit your W(h)ining, they are just pressing their luck. Grape times are yet to be harvested, so they say on the grapevine.
Christmas Crackers
Will and Guy Suspect British Law is Crackers. The 1875 Explosives Act, currently in force in the UK, apparently considers Christmas crackers to be covered by this archaic law. This means that an ‘explosive’ cracker cannot be sold to minors.
This law was shown to be so stupid when 22-year-old student, Heather Walsh, attempted to buy a box of 10, for Christmas Day in her local Marks and Spencer’s in York, England. Asked if she was over 16 years old Miss Walsh, who has a University degree was told the ‘crackers were classed as explosives’, Will and Guy have learned. She was told by staff that they were ‘protecting me by not selling me them and they suggested that if I was left alone with the crackers I couldn’t be trusted and might blow myself up.’
You couldn’t make it up, and we think that this law is definitely CRACKERS. And this story is definitely one of the funniest children jokes.
What A Boy Wants For Christmas
Darren remembers accompanying his father out shopping in the toy department of Hamleys one Christmas Eve.
Dad said, ‘What a marvelous train set. I’ll buy it.’
The girl behind the counter looked pleased and murmured, ‘Great, I’m sure your son will really love it.’
Dad replied with a glint in his eye, ‘Maybe you’re right. In that case, I’ll take two.’
This is one of the children jokes that is common in real life situations.
Father Christmas Calls
This Christmas story is among children jokes focused on boys in particular.
Alex was five; all his Christmas presents were always signed, ‘from Father Christmas.’
A little while after Alex had opened all his presents on Christmas morning, we became aware that he was looking quite down in the mouth for no obvious reason.
‘What’s the matter, Al?’ I asked.
‘Ummmm’, replied Alex slowly, ‘I really hoped that you and Mummy would give me something for Christmas’.
Footnote: Punishment for boys who no longer believe in Father Christmas. They get clothes for Christmas.
Santa Claus Conundrum
Want to know children jokes on men and Santa Claus?
The 3 stages of man:
1) He believes in Santa Claus.
2) He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) He IS Santa Claus!
More Children Jokes From Our Christmas Website
Below, we’ll reveal some more children jokes that are again, Christmas-themed:
Out of the Mouths… Christmas Story
Daniel aged 4, returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story.
He had learned all about the wise men from the east who brought gifts to the baby Jesus.
Daniel was so excited he just had to tell his parents, ‘I learned in Sunday School today all about the very first Christmas. There wasn’t a Santa Claus way back then, so these three blokes on camels had to deliver all the toys. And Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn’t there yet, so they had to have this big light in the sky to find their way around’.
If you enjoyed these story, note that we’re keeping on children jokes on Christmas below.
Funny Xmas Riddles For Children
Here’s a collection of classic humor found in children jokes during the festive season.
Classic Conundrums Each and Every One
What Will and Guy find is that we cringe at 12 out of these 15 Christmas children jokes – but smile at the other 3.
- A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
- What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).
- She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
- Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
- Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
- When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
- The man who fell into an upholstery factory is now fully recovered.
- You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
- He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
- Every calendar’s days are numbered.
- A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
- Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
- Peter aged 7. ‘Angels don’t eat much, but they drink a lot of milk from Holy Cows.’
Now think about it: how many of these children jokes did you actually find funny?
Funny Advice From Children
An amusing selection of ‘children jokes on ‘Out of the Mouths of Babes’.
- You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. – Armir, 9.
Funny Advice From Children – Top 10
Sometimes children even give out advice which then becomes common children jokes.
- Never trust a dog to watch your food. – Patrick, 10.
- Never tell your mom her diet’s not working. – Michael, 14.
- Don’t pull Dad’s finger when he tells you to. – Emily, 10.
- When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair. – Taylia, 11.
- Never allow your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment. – Traci, 14.
- Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time. – Kyoyo, 9.
- Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. – Lauren, 9.
- Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat. – Joel, 10.
- When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone. – Alyesha, 13.
- Never try to baptize a cat. – Eileen, 8.
As you can see, most of these children jokes are pretty clever.
Watch Your Grammar
A little girl opened the door to her teacher.
‘Are your parents in?’ asked the teacher.
‘They was in’, said the little girl, ‘but they is out now.’
‘They WAS in! They IS out!’ exclaimed the teacher, ‘Where’s your grammar?’
‘Oh, she’s in the front room watching the telly.’
That child’s confidence reflects some of the most common children jokes.
Children’s Advice on Love
Other times, children also give out love advice which then transforms into children jokes.
- When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth. Billy age 4.
- Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other. Karl age 5.
- Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs. Chrissie age 6.
- Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired. Terri age 4.
- Love is when my mummy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK. Danny age 7.
- Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day. Noelle age 7.
- Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well. Tommy age 6.
- Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you leave him alone all day. Mary Ann age 4.
More Funny Children’s Opinions
Malcolm, who was 9 years old, was asked in his Environmental Studies lesson at New Street School, to write a short essay for homework on the effect of oil pollution.
So Malcolm wrote: ‘When my mum opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead.’
Definitely one of our favorite children jokes!
Children’s Answers at School
Not surprisingly, many children jokes are set at school like this one:
Teacher: Name one of the Roman’s greatest achievements.
Joe: To learn Latin.
Teacher: What did “Free press” mean in that passage?
Answer: When your mother irons your skirt for you on the landing.
Bertie comes home from his first day at school.
Mother asks, ‘What did you learn today?’
Bertie replies, ‘Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.’
Meals on Wheels
Paula worked for ‘meals-on-wheels’. One afternoon she took her daughter Tina with her and delivered the lunches to the elderly. Tina was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the walking sticks, triangular walkers, and wheelchairs.
When they visited Mrs Evans Paula found Tina staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As she prepared himself for the inevitable barrage of questions, Tina merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy is never going to believe this.’
Funny Tales of Santa with Children
Children meeting with Santa Claus can be special, magical, or as in these stories – amusing.
How Children Behave with Santa Claus
Santa knows if you’ve been naughty or nice, and this holiday season, the men who put on the red suit are spilling the beans about how kids, and adults, behave on Santa’s lap.
From kids who cry and the reasons why, to parents who think they can use their kids to prank the jolly old elf, Santa has seen it all.
With the help of Santa Mike from Chicago and Santa Robert from Cincinnati, we’ve compiled some stories that will give you a holiday chuckle.
You Can’t Get Much Past a Child – Even if You’re Santa
One Santa says that he chews gum or uses breath mints because kids are very honest about whether Santa’s breath stinks. Sometimes that honesty hurts Santa’s feelings.
One little girl, about 5 years old, was rattling off her Christmas wish list when she paused to ask Santa a question.
‘Are you chewing gum?’ she asked.
Santa, taken aback by the question, admitted that yes, in fact, he was chewing gum.
‘Why are you chewing gum?’ she asked.
Santa fessed up and admitted that he chewed gum so that his breath would be nice for the children.
‘OK,’ she said and went back to her list without skipping a beat.
The Ideal Santa Christmas
- Santa Claus must be at least 5ft 10in – It looks incongruous if the child is bigger than Father Christmas.
- Father Christmas should smell of Old Spice and peppermints. (See chewing gum above)
- The white beard should be stuck to the face with glue.
- He should have a full red suit, which fits properly.
A Girl Who Knows What She Wants
Santa is accustomed to kids bringing their lists with them when they visit him. But one little girl really knew what she wanted and how to get it
The girl, about 6 years old and dressed in her frilliest dress, sat on Santa’s lap and proceeded to read more than 20 items off of her list – everything from Barbie’s and dolls to a particular brand of baby carriage.
As the little girl reached the end of her list, she turned to Santa and said, ‘If you can’t bring all of this, don’t worry. My daddy will give it to me.’
‘Do you want to give me the list?’ Santa asked.
‘No, I think I should keep it for my daddy,’ she replied.
Santa, Will, and Guy all agreed.
Christmas Sandwich
It’s not always toys that kids want for Christmas. Santa gets some other unusual requests
One 6-year-old boy sat on Santa’s lap and when it came to telling Santa what he wanted for Christmas, he said, ‘A sandwich.’
Santa notes that the boy didn’t look underfed or that he had missed any meals, but that was all the boy said he wanted.
Once the boy left Santa’s lap, his mother came over to ask Santa what her son wanted.
Santa told her the boy wanted a sandwich.
‘You’re serious?’ she asked.
The boy’s mother said they had just eaten before going to see Santa and
had no idea why he would say such a thing.
Father Christmas Calls
Alex was five; all his Christmas presents were always signed, ‘from Father Christmas.’
A little while after Alex had opened all his presents on Christmas morning, we became aware that he was looking quite down in the mouth for no obvious reason.
‘What’s the matter, Al?’ I asked.
‘Ummmm’, replied Alex slowly, ‘I really hoped that you and Mummy would give me something for Christmas’.
More Santa with Children Stories
The Train Set
While working in a store as Santa Claus, I had lots of boys ask me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I would tell each one, “you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?”
The usual answer was a quick yes, but after I asked one boy this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him.
He promptly replied, “Another train.”
Santa Gets the Sack
A Santa Claus is facing the sack from a Dutch shopping center after he smacked a young boy for pulling his beard.
Peter Hendriks hit the boy on the backside in front of dozens of shoppers in the town of
Rijswijk. Defending his actions, he said: ‘If I hadn’t done that, he would have pulled off my beard and dozens of children would have been traumatized.’
Yes There Is A Santa Claus
If you want the great gift giver
To come on his sleigh and deliver
Then remember this simple rhyme
And recall it at Christmas time
“If in Santa you do not believe
Christmas gifts you will not receive”
An Amusing Story Of Santa with the Two Sisters
Emma and her twelve-year-old sister, Clare, had been fighting a great deal during the last year. This often can happen when you combine a strong-willed two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.
Emma’s parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and he was unhappy when he saw children argue and fight. This had little impact on Clare who really didn’t understand.
‘I’ll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior,’ the mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Clare’s eyes grew big as her mother asked, ‘Mrs. Claus?’ [it was really Emma and Clare’s aunt as Santa’s real line was busy] if she could put Santa on the line.
Clare’s mouth dropped even further open her mother described to Santa [Clare’s uncle] how the two-year-old was acting. When her mother told Clare that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.
Santa, speaking in a deep voice, explained to Clare how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things to be better from now on.
Clare, now even more wide-eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa’s remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a short while, the sister’s mother [trying hard not to laugh at being so clever] asked Clare, ‘What did Santa say to you, darling?’
In almost a whisper, Clare, sadly but matter-of-factly stated, ‘Mummy, Santa said he won’t be bringing any toys to Emma this year.’
Santa Sparks Romance
It’s not only kids who make their way onto Santa’s lap. There’s something about the jolly man in the red suit that sparks a bit of romance in certain couples.
One Santa says that he sees about two or three young men every season who use Santa to help propose to their girlfriends. Sometimes it works like a charm. Other times, not so much.
In one case, the suitor was positive that his girlfriend would ask Santa for an engagement ring. But when Santa asked the young lady what she wanted, her reply was, ‘A refrigerator for our new condo.’
Her boyfriend stood nearby, perplexed. Santa seeing the sweat beginning to form on his forehead asked,'”Are you sure there isn’t anything else you want?’
‘No, I think that’s it,’ she replied.
Santa asked her if she wanted something else one more time, not for her sake, but for the boyfriend’s.
The boyfriend finally took the hint, got down on one knee, and proposed.
This time, she said ‘yes’. How’s that for goodwill toward men?
Christmas Poems For Children
Talking Turkeys
Be nice to yu turkeys dis Christmas Cos’ turkeys just wanna have fun.
Turkeys are cool, turkeys are wicked
An every turkey has a Mum.
Be nice to yu turkeys dis christmas,
Don’t eat it, keep it alive,
It could be yu mate, an not on your plate
Say, Yo! Turkey I’m on your side.
I got lots of friends who are turkeys
An all of dem fear christmas
time,
Dey wanna enjoy it, dey say humans destroyed it
An humans are
out of dere mind,
Yeah, I got lots of friends who are turkeys
Dey
all hav a right to a life,
Not to be caged up an genetically made up
By any farmer and his wife.
Turkeys just wanna play reggae
Turkeys just wanna hip-hop
Can yu
imagine a nice young turkey saying,
‘I cannot wait for de chop’,
Turkeys like getting presents, dey wanna watch christmas TV,
Turkeys hav
brains and turkeys feel pain
In many ways like yu an me.
I once knew a turkey called … Turkey
He said “Benji explain to me
please,
Who put de turkey in christmas
An what happens to christmas
trees?”,
I said “I am not too sure turkey
But it’s nothing to do wid
Christ Mass
Humans get greedy an waste more dan need be
An business
men mek loadsa cash’.
Be nice to yu turkey dis christmas
Invite dem indoors fe sum greens
Let dem eat cake an let dem partake
In a plate of organic grown
beans,
Be nice to yu turkey dis christmas
A spare dem de cut of de
knife,
Join Turkeys United and dey’ll be delighted
An yu will mek new
friends ‘FOR LIFE’.
by Benjamin Obadiah Iqbal Zephaniah
Santa’s Coming
A good time is coming, I wish it were here,
The very best time in the whole of the year;
I’m counting each day on my fingers and thumbs —
The weeks that must pass before Santa Claus comes.
Then when the first snowflakes begin to come down,
And the wind whistles sharp and the branches are brown,
I’ll not mind the cold, though my fingers it numb,
For it brings the time nearer when Santa Claus comes.
I’m Walking Backwards for Christmas
Funny Christmas poem by Spike Milligan
I’m walking backwards for Christmas,
Across the Irish Sea,
I’m walking backwards for Christmas,
It’s the only thing for me.
I’ve tried walking sideways,
And walking to the front,
But people just look at me,
And say it’s a publicity stunt.
I’m walking backwards for Christmas, To prove that I love you.
An immigrant lad loved an Irish colleen
From Dublin Galway Bay.
He longed for her arms,
But she spurned his charms,
And sailed o’er the foam away
She left the lad by himself, on his own
All alone, a-sorrowing
And sadly he dreamed, or at least that’s the way it seemed, buddy,
That an angel choir did sing –
An angel choir did sing.
I’m walking backwards for Christmas,
Across the Irish Sea.
I’m walking backwards for Christmas,
It’s the finest thing for me.
And so I’ve tried walking sideways,
And walking to the front.
But people just laughed, and said,
“It’s a publicity stunt”.
So I’m walking backwards for Christmas
To prove that I love you.
If I could write words
Like leaves on an autumn forest floor,
What a bonfire my letters would make.
If I could speak words of water,
You would drown when I said
“I love you.”
Santa’s New Idea
Said Santa Claus
One winter’s night,
‘I really think it’s only right
What gifts should have a little say
‘Bout where they’ll be on Christmas Day.’
So then and there
He called the toys
Intended for good girls and boys,
And when they’d settled down to hear,
He made his plan for them quite clear.
These were his words:
‘Soon now,’ he said,
‘You’ll all be speeding off with me
To being the Christmas joy and cheer
To little ones both far and near.
‘Here’s my idea,
It seems fair
That you should each one have a share
In choosing homes where you will stay
On and after Christmas Day.
‘Now the next weeks
Before we go over the miles of glistening snow
Find out the tots that you like best
And think much nicer than the rest.’
The toys called out
‘Hurrah!
Hurrah!
What fun to live always and play
With folks we choose – they’ll surely be
Selected very carefully.’
So, children dear,
When you do see
Your toys in socks or on a tree,
You’ll know in all the world ’twas you
They wanted to be given to.
Before the Paling of the Stars
Before the paling of the stars,
Before the winter morn,
Before the earliest cock crow,
Jesus Christ was born:
Born in a stable,
Cradled in a manger,
In the world, his hands had made
Born a stranger.
The priest and king lay fast asleep
In Jerusalem; Young and old lay fast asleep
In crowded Bethlehem;
Saint and angel, ox and ass,
Kept a watch together
Before the Christmas daybreak
In the winter weather.
Jesus on his mother’s breast
In the stable cold,
Spotless lamb of
God was he,
Shepherd of the fold:
Let us kneel with Mary maid,
With Joseph bent and hoary,
With saint and angel, ox and ass,
To hail the King of Glory.
by Christina Georgina Rossetti
Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey,
On the dusty road.
Got to keep on plodding onwards,
With your precious load.
Been a long time, little donkey,
Through the winter’s night.
Don’t give up now, little donkey,
Bethlehem’s in sight.
Little donkey, little donkey,
Had a heavy day.
Little donkey, carry Mary safely on her way.
Do not falter, little donkey,
There’s a star ahead.
It will guide you, little donkey,
To
a cattle shed.
Christmas is Here
A good time is coming, I wish it were here,
The very best time in the whole of the year;
I’m counting each day on my fingers and thumbs —
The weeks that must pass before Santa Claus comes.
Then when the first snowflakes begin to come down,
And the wind whistles sharp and the branches are brown,
I’ll not mind the cold, though my fingers it numbs,
For it brings the time nearer when Santa Claus comes
There’s More to Christmas…
There’s more, much more to Christmas
Than candle-light and cheer;
It’s the spirit of sweet friendship
That brightens all the year;
It’s thoughtfulness and kindness,
It’s hope reborn again,
For peace, for understanding
And for goodwill to men!
Drawn by Shaeleigh Spracklin, age 11, of St. Lazare, Canada.
Four Favourite, Fun, and Beautiful Poems from Children to Their Parents at Christmas
1. Merry Christmas
When I think of all the things you do,
The ways in which you care,
I’m filled with a sense of gratitude and pride
That is always there.
I seldom take the time to tell you
That I’m happy you’re my mom and dad;
So I’ll tell you now what’s in my heart,
‘You’re the best that I could have!’
2. For Mother and Father
This special Christmas wish
That comes with love to you
Brings warm and heartfelt thanks
For all the thoughtful things you do–
It also comes to let you know
You both mean more each day
To everyone your lives have touched
In such a loving way.
Happy Christmas, Mum and Dad
With Love
3. Happy Christmas
The things we feel the deepest
Are the hardest things to say
But dear parents you must know
How much I love you anyway
And now that it is Christmas
I’m hoping you’ll know too
How much I’m wishing happiness
With all my heart for you.
4. Home is With Parents
Home is where parents and memories live,
Full of the love only families can give,
It’s a place where you learn and a place where you play,
It’s a cozy retreat on a cold winter’s day
It’s warm and familiar and yet always new,
A place where there’s always a welcome for you,
Home is where laughter and happiness grow,
A place you’ll remember wherever you go.
Merry Christmas to both of you
With love
Five Favourite Fun Poems from Parents to Children at Christmas
[Best read aloud]
1. Little Christmas Carollers
We are a band of carollers,
We march through frost and snow,
But care not for the weather
As on our way we go.
At every hall or cottage
That stands upon our way,
We stop to give the people
Best wishes for the day.
We pray a merry Christmas,
Made bright by Christmas cheer,
With peace, and hope, and gladness
And all they may hold dear.
And for all those that happen
To pass us on our way
We have a smile, and wish them
A merry Christmas-day.
by L.A France
2. The best gift at Christmas is easy to see
It’s not wrapped in paper or under the tree
Cos’ the best gift at Christmas and all the year through
Is having a child as special as you!
3. The funniest face
Looked out at me
From a silver ball
On the Christmas tree.
At first, I thought
It was Santa’s elf,
But I looked again and It was just myself!
4. Christmas Is Coming
Christmas is coming,
The geese are getting fat,
Please to put a penny in an old man’s hat;
If you haven’t got a penny a ha’penny will do,
If you haven’t got a ha’penny, God bless you.
5. A Chubby Snowman
A chubby little snowman
Had a carrot nose.
Along came a bunny, and what do you suppose?
That hungry little bunny,
Looking for some lunch,
Grabbed that snowman’s nose,
Nibble, nibble, crunch!
Funny Out of Mouths of Children jokes
Selection of children jokes and short stories, ‘Out of the Mouths of Children’
Out of the Mouths of Children
Several primary schools were doing a project on ‘The Sea.’ Children were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the ‘better’ ones:
1. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea because I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)
2. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)
3. Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
4. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don’t have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)
5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend anymore. (Kyle age 6)
6. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8 )
7. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
8. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
Children’s Comments on Love
- When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toe nails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love. Rebecca age 8
- When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth. Billy age 4
- Love is when my mummy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK. Danny age 7
- Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen. Bobby age 7
- If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate. Nikka age 6
- Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day. Noelle age 7
- Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well. Tommy age 6
- Love is when Mummy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken. Elaine age 5
- I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones. Lauren age 4
More Funny Comments: Out of the Mouths of Children
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother:
‘Mummy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.’
The mother exclaimed, ‘But that’s terrible. I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?’
The little girl replied, ‘My homework.’
Out of the Mouths…………:
Mother: ‘Why are you home from school so early?’ Son: ‘I was the only one who could answer a question.’
Mother: ‘Oh really? What was the question?’
Son: ‘Who threw the blackboard duster at the teacher?’
Going Straight?
Jasper Barnett, a young lad from St. Alban’s, England was asked by his teacher to spell the word ‘straight.’ Jasper did so without error.
‘Well done!’ smiled the teacher, ‘Now, Jasper, what does it mean?’ ‘Without water in it!’ responded Jasper immediately.
Newspaper Boy:
A newspaper boy was standing on the corner with a large pile of papers, shouting, ‘Read all about it. Twenty-five people cheated. Twenty-five people cheated.’
Intrigued, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday’s paper. The man said, ‘Hey, this is an old paper, where’s the story about the big swindle?’ The newspaper boy ignored him and went on yelling out, ‘Read all about it. Twenty-six people cheated.’
Pupil Problem?
An educational psychologist is asked to see a pupil who draws all his pictures with black and brown crayons. He talks to him. Nothing obvious. He gives him projective tests. Nothing shows up.
Finally, in desperation, he gives him some paper and a box of crayons.
‘Oh goody, ‘says the boy, ‘I got an old box of crayons in school and only the black and brown were left.’
Old Goat? Another funny story out of the mouths of children
The young couple invited their aged Vicar for Sunday lunch. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son, what they were having.
‘Goat, ‘the little boy replied.
‘Goat?’ replied the startled man of the cloth, ‘Are you sure about that?’
‘Yep’, said the youngster. ‘I definitely heard Dad say to Mum, we might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.’
A Frugal Little Girl
Jemima’s Year 6 homework task was to make sentences using the words in her spelling list, along with the definition. Coming across the word “frugal” in the list, she asked her father what it meant. He explained that being frugal meant you saved something.
Jemima’s paper read, ‘Frugal: to save.’ Sentence: ‘Little Red Riding Hood fell into a hole when she was walking in the woods so she yelled for someone to come get her out. She cried, ‘Frugal me, Frugal me!’
Children On Children
This poem was nominated, by the United Nations, as the best poem of 2006 was written by an African child
When I born, I black
When I grow up, I black
When I go in Sun, I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick, I black
And when I die, I still black
And you white fellow
When you born, you pink
When you grow up, you white
When you go in sun, you red
When you cold, you blue
When you scared, you yellow
When you sick, you green
And when you die, you gray
And you calling me colored?
Footnote: This poem was kindly sent in by John Franklin; please send us your funny out of the mouths of children…
Children Jokes and Kids’ Stories
Will and Guy’s collection of children jokes, one-liners, and stories about children and for children.
Children’s Humour
- Mary climbed on Dave’s “Stagecoach” bus with seven kids. Dave asked her, ‘Are these all yours, Missus? Or is it a picnic?’ ‘They’re all mine’ Mary replied. ‘And I can assure you that it’s no picnic.’
- One 11-year-old wrote, “When my mother opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead.”
- One day at school, Moira is talking to her best friend Tara. ‘Tara, have you heard the children jokes about the dustbin lorry?’ [garbage truck] ‘No I haven’t,’ replies Tara. ‘Don’t worry,’ continues
Moira, ‘It’s only a load of rubbish.’ - Louise, aged 11, was asked the difference between Madame and Mademoiselle in her French lesson at Mayville High School. ‘Monsieur.’ Louise answered.
- Jack, who was 9 years old, was asked in his Environmental Studies lesson at Wicor School, to write a short essay for homework on the effect of oil pollution. So Jack wrote: ‘When my mum opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead.’
- Children aren’t happy with nothing to ignore. And that is what parents were created for. – Ogden Nash
Ten Short Funny Children Jokes
- What flies through the jungle singing opera? The parrots of Penzance.
- ‘Did you hear about the dog who went to a flea circus?’ ‘No, what happened?’ ‘He stole the show.’
- A cannibal caught a missionary in the jungle. He said to him, ‘What’s the best way to eat you? Boiled or roasted?’ The missionary said, ‘To tell you the truth, I’m a friar.’
- How did Quasimodo know the end was near? He had a hunch.
- My brother came running in and said, ‘Mum, there’s a man outside with a broken arm called Brian.’ My mum said, ‘That’s a funny name for a broken arm.
- My mum was in the hospital, and the doctor said, ‘Listen, I want you to drink a Guinness after your bath every day.’ My mum said, ‘If I drink my bath I won’t have room for a Guinness.’
- My brother said, ‘I want a job as a human cannonball.’ I said, ‘I’ll bet you get fired.’
- What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
- Give me a sentence with the word “analyze” in it. My sister Anna lies in bed until nine o’clock.
- What did they award the man who invented the door knocker? The No-bell Prize.
More Kids Stories
Fig Leaves
Bobby, nine, opened the big and old family Bible with fascination and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
‘Hey, Mum, look what I’ve found!’ Bobby called out. ‘What have you got there, dear?’ his mother asked. Astonishment written all over his face, he answered: ‘I think it’s Adam’s suit!’
Old Goat? Funny Story Out of the Mouths of Children
The young couple invited their aged Vicar for Sunday lunch. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son, what they were having.
‘Goat, ‘the little boy replied.
‘Goat?’ replied the startled man of the cloth, ‘Are you sure about that?’
‘Yep’, said the youngster. ‘I definitely heard Dad say to Mum, we might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.’
Butter would not melt in his mouth
What could the kid do to cause his father physical pain and embarrassment?
Funny Proverb – Savings
A Year 5 teacher was giving her Primary pupils a lesson in developing logical thinking.
‘This is the scene’, said the teacher.
‘A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and
begins splashing and yelling for help.
His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?’
A little girl raised her hand and asked, ‘To draw out all his savings?’
One-liners for Children
- What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer.
- What do skeletons always order at a restaurant?
- Spare ribs!
- Who was the most famous French skeleton?
- Napoleon bone-apart
- What runs around a cemetery but doesn’t move?
- A fence!
- What do they teach at Witches School?
- Spelling
Will and Guy’s Philosophy on Funny Children Jokes
We have stuck with our simple philosophy of collecting a mixture of clean, yet
funny children jokes, interspersed with thought-provoking pictures and the odd story.
School Children Jokes
Out of the Mouths of School Children. Kindly sent in by Arthur Burley
It’s mid-September and school has been back for a while. The children and their teachers are getting to know one another; here are some of their exchanges.
Maths Lesson
The math teacher saw that Daphne wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on her and said, ‘Daphne! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’
Daphne quickly replied, ‘ABC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!’
Two Sunday School Funnies
1) Finding one of her pupils making faces at others on the playground, Miss Barker, their teacher, stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, ‘Tony, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.’
Tony looked up, smiled, and replied, ‘Well, Miss Barker, you can’t say you weren’t warned.’
2) Miss Barker continued with the lesson and challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back the following Sunday.
Tony wrote, ‘Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you could have been there.’
Touché
Will, when he taught French in Paulsgrove in England, used to write little notes on pupil’s translations.
He was working late one night, and as the hours passed, his handwriting deteriorated.
The next day a pupil approached Will at his desk with the translation he had corrected. ‘I can’t make out this comment you wrote on my paper, Sir.’ said the pupil.
Will took her paper, and after squinting at it for a minute, sheepishly replied, ‘It says that you need to write more legibly.’
Teacher’s Magnetism
Mrs Mollard had been giving her second-grade students a lesson in science.
She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time, and Mrs. Mollard asked, ‘My name begins with the letter “M” and I pick up things. What am I? Tim, a little boy in the front row proudly said, ‘You’re a mother!’
A Question of Physics
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
‘Why do we have to learn this stuff?’ one young man blurted out.
‘To save lives,’ the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again. ‘So how does physics save lives?’
The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally, the professor concluded, ‘Physics saves lives,’ he said, ‘because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.’
A perfect school bag can hold your paperwork, books, electronics, and – children jokes!!!
What Happened to Jonah?
Jane was talking to Mrs Darby, her teacher, about whales. Mrs Darby said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
Jane girl stated quite clearly that the Bible says Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, Mrs Darby reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
Finally, Jane murmured, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah, myself.’
Mrs Darby continued, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’
Very smartly Jane replied, ‘Then you can ask him.’
Frog in His Throat?
Miss Hewitt, was one of the teachers at Northern Infants, Normanton, [kindergarten] when Philip came up to her and said that he had found a frog. Miss Hewitt asked if the frog was alive or dead. Philip, aged 6, declared that it was dead.
Miss Hewitt enquired as to how he could be so sure that it was dead.
Philip replied, ‘I pissed in its ear.’
Flabbergasted, Miss Hewitt demanded, ‘You what, Philip Brown?’
Philip added, ‘You know, I went to his ear and said, ‘PSST!’ and it didn’t move. So it must be dead.’
Dylan at the Supermarket
Dylan is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and is giving him a big ‘hello’
.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although her face is vaguely familiar, Dylan can’t place where he might know her from, so he says, ‘Sorry, do you know me?’
She replies, ‘I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children’
Dylan’s mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, ‘Blimey!’ he says, ‘Did we meet on Frank’s stag do in Newport? Dylan continued, ‘When I got out of the police station and got back to the hotel room you had gone.’
No, ‘she replies, ‘I’m your son’s English Teacher’.
Stand up and be Counted
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Little Davie?’
‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’
Examples of Funny School Children Jokes from Other Pages
Most Wanted
Little Ronnie’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it was the photo of a wanted person.
‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.’
Little Ronnie asked, ‘Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?’
Caught with an Axe in His Hand
Mr Harris, the 3rd grade teacher asked, ‘George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Iris, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?’
Iris replied, ‘Because George still had the axe in his hand?’
Slap-it-on
One day before school, Little Susie watched, fascinated, as her mother smoothed cold cream on her face. ‘Why do you do that, mommy?’ she asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,’ said her mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
‘What’s the matter?’ asked Little Susie. ‘Are you giving up?’
Moira was struggling to get the tomato ketchup out of the bottle. As she was trying the phone rang and her 4-year-old daughter, Louise, answered it saying, ‘Sorry, mummy can’t come to the phone at the moment because she’s hitting the bottle.’
Funny School Excuses
- Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
- Please excuse Ray from school. He has very loose vowels.
- Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
Teachers’ Tales
Maggie, [Will’s sister] was an infant school teacher, and on her first day with the reception class [1st graders] at Northern Primary, Portchester, a little girl gave her a note which said: ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of her parents.’
Paul, while working for ‘meals-on-wheels’, an organization that delivers lunches to the elderly, Paul used to take his 4-year-old daughter, Lois, with him on his afternoon rounds. Lois was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the walking sticks, triangular walkers, and wheelchairs. One day Paul found Lois staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As he prepared himself for the inevitable barrage of questions, Lois merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy is never going to believe this.’
Schoolboy Howlers
Laugh along with these actual answers to questions on science tests by 5th and 6th graders:
- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom.
- The inhabitants of Moscow are Mosquitoes.
- The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
- Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
- Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I never have been able to make out the numbers.
- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
- A monsoon is a French gentleman.
- The word “trousers” is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
- Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
- To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
School Pun List
Will and Guy each have considerable experience in classroom teaching. Will says a little humor makes it easy to control a class. Guy says collecting pupil’s unintentional puns was what kept him sane.
Will’s School Pun List
- The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
- I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian
- She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
- Will confiscated a rubber band pistol from his algebra class pistol because it was a weapon of math disruption.
- A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
- A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
- Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
- Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on ahead.’
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Guy’s School Pun List
- No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
- Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says, ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
- I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
- A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
- The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
- The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
- A backward poet writes inverse.
- In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
- A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
Will’s Golden Rule of Teaching – Know your Pupils
A head teacher is making his rounds of the school when he hears a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He rushes in and spots one boy, taller than the others, who seems to be making the most noise.
He seizes the lad, drags him to the hall, and tells him to wait there until he is excused. Returning to the classroom, the head teacher restores order and lectures the class for half an hour about the importance of good behavior.
‘Now,’ he says, ‘are there any questions?’
One girl stands up timidly. ‘Please sir,’ she asks, ‘may we have our teacher back?’
Modern Homework Excuse
Unlike in the olden days, no dogs were injured in compiling this excuse.
Doing His Homework!
When Mother came home she was amazed to see Nathan sitting on a horse, writing something.
‘What on earth are you doing there?’ he asked.
‘Well, the teacher told us to write an essay on our favorite animal.’ Answered Nathan, ‘That’s why I’m here and that’s why Sally sitting in the goldfish bowl.’
Teachers Tales
- What was Camelot famous for? Its knight life!
Adoption Explained
Teacher Debbie Moon’s first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopted.
A little girl said, ‘I know all about Adoption, I was adopted …’
‘What does it mean to be adopted?’, asked another child.
‘It means’, said the girl, ‘that you grew in your mommy’s heart instead of her tummy!’
Footnote: The adoption story was kindly sent in by Beryl Wilson
History and Maths Lesson
A busload of tourists arrives at Runnymede*. They gather around the guide who says, ‘This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta.’
A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, ‘When did that happen?’
‘1215, ‘answers the guide.
The man looks at his watch and says, ‘Gee whiz – Just missed it by a half hour.’
Footnote *The Runnymede meadows are on the banks of the Thames, in the county of Berkshire, England. Fortunately, the land is now owned and preserved by the National Trust.
History Lesson
Teacher: ‘Jimmy…….. who was Anne Boleyn?’ Jimmy: ‘She was a flat-iron.’
Teacher: ‘What on earth do you mean?’ Jimmy: ‘Well, it says here in the history book, ‘Henry VIII, having disposed of Catherine of Aragon, pressed his suit with Anne Boleyn.’
Archaeologist
- An archaeologist is a person whose career lies in ruins.
Memorable Science Lesson
Will Richard Notice? – Funny Pupil Tale
Richard, a fresher, at USC [University of Southern California] phoned his Mother one evening from his college room and asked her for some money because he was flat broke.
His Mother sighed, ‘OK, Richard. I will send you some money. Then she added, ‘Oh, by the way, you also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?’
‘Ummm, oh yeah, you better, yes, OK,’ Richard replied vaguely.
So his Mum wrapped the book along with the cheques in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she returned, Dad inquired, ‘Well how much did you give the boy this time?’
‘Oh, I wrote two cheques, one for 20 pesos, and the other for $1,000 out to him.’
‘That’s $1020!’ yelled Dad, ‘Are you mad, have you gone totally bonkers?’
‘Don’t worry darling,’ Richard’s Mother answered with a wide grin, ‘I taped the 20 pesos cheque to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!’
Some Funny Teachers’ Tales
Mr Peter Whittaker, a school teacher, injured his back playing soccer one holiday and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body for a week or so; it fitted under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the new term, still with the cast under his shirt, Mr Whittaker found himself assigned to the toughest students in Wallington School. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, Mr. Whittaker took the desk stapler and stapled the
tie to his chest.
He had no trouble with discipline at Wallington School ever after.
The Lord’s Prayer – Update by Rebecca
Carolyn was teaching her 3-year-old daughter, Rebecca, the Lord’s prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, Rebecca repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. Carolyn, as all mothers would, listened with pride as Rebecca carefully enunciated each word right up to the end, ‘Lead us not into temptation’ she prayed, ‘but deliver us some e-mail, Amen.’
Teacher’s Excuse Notes
- Mary-Ann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
- Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
Schoolboy Howlers
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ids of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: ‘And you, you brute’
Computers Enable Children To Tell Jokes In School
Will and Guy have found out that a new computer software program has been developed that can tell children jokes. The software is known as The System to Augment Non-speakers’ Dialogue Using Puns [ acronym = Standup]. The program allows the youngsters to generate puns, helping them overcome language barriers.
It has been developed by researchers at Aberdeen, Dundee, and Edinburgh Universities and successfully trialed by eight pupils at a Glasgow school in Scotland. The system was created in response to research that found that computerized speech aids could restrict the development of a child’s language skills as their speech tends to stick to the essentials and lacks spontaneity.
The software creates the opportunity for puns using dictionaries and information about words. This enables children to amuse family and friends with children jokes as the computer acts as a helper to the child, by letting them browse through children jokes and try out words and phrases.
Maths Teaching Made Easier
As ex-teachers, Will and Guy get the feeling that education is increasingly becoming dumbed down and the teachers are working harder than the pupils. Take this history of maths down the years.
Teaching Maths in 1962:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for 100 pesos. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Maths in 1972:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for 100 pesos. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or 80 pesos. What is his profit?
Teaching Maths in 1982:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for 100 pesos. His cost of production is 80 pesos. Did he make a profit?
Teaching Maths in 1992:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for 100 pesos. His cost of production is 80 pesos and his profit is 20 pesos. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Maths in 2002:
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing
for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of 20 pesos. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)
Teaching Maths in 2012:
Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para 100 pesos. El costo de la producci? En es 80
pesos…
What My Mother Taught Me
- My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. ‘If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.’
- My mother taught me RELIGION. ‘You’d better pray that will come out of the carpet.’
- My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL. ‘If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!’
- My mother taught me LOGIC. ‘Because I said so, that’s why.’
- My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. ‘If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the shops with me.’
- My mother taught me FORESIGHT. ‘Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.’
- My mother taught me IRONY’ ‘Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.’
- My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. ‘Shut your mouth and eat your supper.’
- My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. ‘Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!’
- My mother taught me about STAMINA. ‘You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.’
- My mother taught me about WEATHER. ‘This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.’
- My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. ‘If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!’
- My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. ‘I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.’
- My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION. ‘Stop acting like your father!’
- My mother taught me about ENVY. ‘There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.’
- My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. ‘Just wait until we get home.’
- My mother taught me about RECEIVING ‘You are going to get it when you get home!’
- My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE;’ ‘If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.’
- My mother taught me ESP. ‘Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?’
- My mother taught me HUMOUR. ‘When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.’
- My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. ‘If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.’
- My mother taught me GENETICS’. ‘You’re just like your father.’
- My mother taught me about my ROOTS. ‘Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?’
- My mother taught me WISDOM. ‘When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.’
- My mother taught me about JUSTICE. ‘One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you’.
