Farming Jokes and Funny Farming Stories
Here is our collection of one-liners and amusing yarns featuring ranchers, smallholders, and farmers. On the animal side, we feature cows, sheep, pigs, and chickens.
Milking the Cow
Dairy farmer John Duffield was milking his cow in Shepperton, Surrey. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head.
Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow’s ear. Farmer Duffield didn’t think much about it until the bug squirted out into his bucket.
“It went in one ear and out the udder.”
A Double Lesson
A carload of hunters, on holiday, were looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer’s yard in County Waterford, Ireland. The driver, Brannagh, went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt on the farmer’s land.
The old farmer said, ‘Sure you can hunt, but would you be doing me a favor? That old donkey standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don’t have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?’
Brannagh replied, ‘Of course, I will,’ and strolled back to the car.
While walking back, however, Brannagh decided to play a trick on his hunting friends. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said if it was alright, he said, ‘No, we can’t hunt here, but I’m going to teach that old fellow a lesson he won’t forget.’
With that, the Irishman rolled down his window, stuck his gun out, and shot the donkey. As he shouted, ‘To be sure, that will teach him,’ a second shot rang out from the passenger side and one of his hunting mates yelled, ‘And me, begorrah, I got the cow.’
Farmer’s Dog Goes Missing
An old Irish farmer’s sheepdog goes missing and he’s inconsolable.
Philomena, his wife says, ‘Patrick, why don’t you put an advert in the paper?’
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
‘What did you put in the paper?’ Philomena asks.
‘Here boy.’ Patrick replies.
Short Farming Jokes
- Two farmers are talking to each other over a 5-bar gate when one turns to the others and asks, ‘Do your cows smoke? No, answered the first one, surprised. Well, then your cowshed must be burning!
- What do you get if you milk a forgetful Frisian cow? Milk of Amnesia.
- Why did the Daisy the cow wear a bell around her neck? Because her horn didn’t work.
A Funny Farming Story
Calculating Farmer
There was a young man named Ahmed who bought a donkey from an old farmer Farouk for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. When Farouk drove up the next day he said, ‘I am sorry but I have some bad news – the donkey is on my truck but he is dead.’
Ahmed replies, ‘Well then, just give me my money back.’ ‘Can’t do that,’ burrs the farmer, ‘I went out and spent it already.’
Ahmed sighs, ‘OK just unload the donkey anyway.’ Farouk then asks, ‘What are you gonna do with a dead donkey and that?’ I’ll raffle him off,’ laughs Ahmed. The farmer exclaimed, ‘Aargh, you can’t raffle off a dead donkey.’
But Ahmed with a big smile on his face tells Farouk, ‘Sure I can. Watch. Just don’t tell anyone the donkey is dead.’
A month later the farmer Farouk met up with Ahmed and asked, ‘Whatever happened to that dead donkey?’
Ahmed answers, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 each and made a huge profit.’
Totally amazed the farmer Farouk enquires, ‘Didn’t anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?’
‘The only one who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner,’ chuckled Ahmed, ‘so when he came to claim his prize I gave him his $2.00 back plus $200.00 extra, which is double the going value of a dead donkey, so he thought I was a great fellow.’
Chicken Farmer Joke
Old Podgy – Prize Rooster
Thomas was a chicken farmer; his farm was dedicated to the fertilized egg business. In his farmyard, Thomas had 450 young hens to lay the eggs. Incidentally, at this stage, the female hens are called ‘pullets’. Now to fertilize the eggs, which the pullets laid, Thomas had 12 male birds called roosters.
The farmer kept careful records, and any rooster that didn’t perform went straight into the cooking pot and a replacement was introduced. Thomas found this task time-consuming, so he bought a dozen tiny bells and attached one to each of his roosters. Cunningly, each bell had a different ring tone so Thomas could tell from from the comfort of his porch, which rooster was performing.
So now Thomas could sit on his rocking chair and tick the boxes on his efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer’s favorite rooster was Old Podgy, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Thomas noticed Old Podgy’s bell hadn’t rung at all! Thomas went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, their bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer Thomas’s amazement, Old Podgy had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
Thomas was so proud of Old Podgy, that he entered him in the Worcester County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result… The judges not only awarded Old Podgy the No Bell Piece Prize, but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise!
Farmer Jokes and Funny Farmer’s Stories
The farmer allows walkers to cross his field for free… But the bull charges!
Rancher John
Old ranch owner John farmed a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent an agent out to interview him.
‘I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,’ demanded the agent.
‘Well,’ replied old John, ‘There’s my ranch hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10
per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.’
‘That’s the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,’ says the agent.
‘That would be me,’ replied old rancher John.
Farmer’s Names
George, the farmer, had so many children that he ran out of names. So he started calling his kids after something around his farm.
It was the first day of school and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to one of the farmer George’s sons, the boy replied, ‘Wagon Wheel.’
The teacher said, ‘I need your real name boy, to which the lad replied, ‘It’s Wagon Wheel, sir….Really.’
The teacher, rather annoyed rejoined, ‘All right young man, take yourself right down to the Principal’s office this minute.’
The youngster pushed himself out of his chair, turned to his sister, and said, ‘C’mon, ‘Chicken Feed’, he ain’t gonna believe you, either.’
Prize Donkey
Sid was traveling down a country road in his native Yorkshire, England when he saw a crowd of people gathering outside a farmhouse.
It was a cold November afternoon, so he stopped and asked Farmer Ellis why such a large crowd of men was gathered there.
The farmer replied, ‘Jo’s donkey kicked his mother-in-law and she died.’
‘Well, ‘replied the man, ‘She must have had a lot of friends.’
‘Nope, ‘said Farmer Ellis.’ We all just want to buy his donkey.’
Never Felt Better – Classic Farmer Story
In a court in Tralee, deep in County Kerry, Ireland, this conversation is reported to have taken place:
Lawyer: ‘At the scene of the accident, Mr O’Brien, did you tell the Garda officer that you had never felt better in your life?’
O’Brien the old farmer: ‘That’s right, sir.’
Lawyer: ‘Well then, Mr. O’Brien, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client’s car hit your cart?’
O’Brien the farmer: ‘When the Garda arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Darcy, my dog, who was badly hurt and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I’ve never felt better in my life.’
How To Grow Strawberries
Farmer Evans was driving his John Deere tractor along the road with a trailer load of fertilizer. Tim a little boy of eight was playing in his yard when he saw the farmer and asked, ‘What’ve you got in your trailer?’
‘Manure,’ Farmer Evans replied.
‘What are you going to do with it?’ asked Tim.
‘Put it on my strawberries,’ answered the farmer.
Tim replied, ‘You ought to come and eat with us, we put ice cream on our strawberries.’
Ten Technical Terms About Computers And What They Mean To Farmers
- Log on: when you want to make the homestead warmer.
- Log off: Timberrrrrrrrrrrr
- Mega Hertz: when you are not careful getting the firewood.
- Lap top: where the cat sleeps.
- Hard drive: maneuvering through those rocky fields on the northern range when there is snow on the ground.
- Windows: what to shut when it’s cold outside.
- Byte: what mosquitoes do.
- Modem: what I did to the hay fields.
- Keyboard: where the keys hang.
- Mouse: critters that eat the grain in the barn.
Not forgetting RAM [Random Access Memory]: when you can’t remember anything at all from earlier.
More Farmer Jokes and Amusing Stories
Got That Farmer’s Number
Sally was in the Fox and Hounds at Newbridge last Saturday night, when this really ugly-looking guy walked into the bar.
She told me later: “The weirdo came over to the bar and pinched my bum. Then he had the nerve to demand, ‘Give me your number, sexy.'”
I replied, “Have you got a pen?”
He smiled and said, “Yes.”
I replied, “Well you better get back to it before the farmer notices you’re missing.”
Hilarious and Best, Funny Country Story
Barry Farmer got into his Toyota 4 by 4 and drove to the neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, Neil, aged about 9, opened the door.
‘Is yer Dad home?’ Barry demanded. ‘No, sir, he ain’t,’ Neil replied. ‘He went into town.’
‘Well, then,’ inquired Barry, ‘is yer Mom here?’ ‘No, sir, she ain’t here neither. She went into town with Dad.’
‘How about your brother? Is he here?’ ‘He went with Mom and Dad,’ explained Neil patiently.
Barry Farmer stood there for a few seconds, shifting from one foot to the other and muttering to himself.
‘Is there anything I can do for ya?’ Neil asked politely. ‘I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.’
‘Well, it’s difficult,’ answered Barry uncomfortably, ‘I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It’s about your brother getting my daughter pregnant.’
Neil considered for a moment, ‘You would have to talk to Pa about that,’ he finally conceded. ‘If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $600 for the bull and $60 for the hog, but I really don’t know how much he gets fer Howard.’
Further Five Favourite Funny and Silly Short Farmer Jokes
- How did the aliens hurt the farmer? They trod on his corn.
- Did you hear about the farmer who plowed his field with a steamroller? He wanted to grow mashed potatoes.
- What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer? You take me for grunted.
- When is a farmer like a magician? When he turns his cow to pasture.
- Why can’t the bankrupt cowboy complain? He has got no beef.
Clean and Hilarious Farmer’s Tales
The Jogger and the Farmer
Paul, a jogger, is running down a country road and is startled when a horse yells at him, ‘Come over here buddy.’
Paul is stunned but still runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks, ‘Were you talking to me?’
The horse replies, ‘Sure was, man I’ve got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plough and I’m sick of it. Why don’t you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me? I’ll make you some money because I can still run.’
Paul thought to himself, ‘Wow, a talking horse.’ Dollar signs started appearing in his head. So he runs to the house and the old rancher is sitting on the porch.
Paul tells the farmer, ‘Hey man I’ll give you $5,000 for that old broken-down nag you’ve got in the field.’
The farmer replies, ‘Son you can’t believe anything that horse says. He’s never even been to Kentucky.’
How to Buy a Horse
Ethan walks into a barn with a farmer to buy a horse
The horse is laid down in some straw. After giving the horse the once-over Ethan says, “This horse hasn’t got any shoes on.”
The farmer replies “Well he hasn’t got up yet.
The Favourite Son: A Classic Farmer Joke from Will and Guy
Tony and Luke, two brothers, were sitting in Cobbler and Proust’s, the solicitors, waiting room preparing themselves for the reading of their father’s will.
The two began yet another session of bickering about which of them was the favorite son and it was getting into full flow when they were invited, by Mr Cobbler, into the office.
After a few preliminaries, including the disposal of a few small items to the cousins and old friends, the important bit came: who would inherit the farm, Tony or Luke?
Mr Cobbler, the solicitor, took a deep breath, looked at the eldest brother Tony, and said, ‘Well, Tony, the farm is yours.’
Tony turned to his brother, Luke, and complained, ‘See! I told you, Luke, you were the favorite.’
Three Wheels on My Wagon —>
A good stabilizing job by the wife!
Amusing Irish Farmers’ Joke
First Irish Farmer: My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it.
Second Irish Farmer: Did you shoot it in the hole?
First Irish Farmer: No, in the head.
Have You Heard This One?
Two west country yokels were on the train heading homewards through Somerset, England when one of them noticed some cows.
‘What a lovely bunch of cows.’ he remarked. ‘Not a bunch, herd,’ his mate replied.
‘Heard of what?’ ‘Herd of cows.’
‘Of course, I’ve heard of cows.’
‘No, a cow herd.’
‘What do I care what a cow heard? I have no secrets to keep from a cow.’
Funny Farmer Story
The Farmer and The City Slicker
The driver, a young man in a Bryony suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses, and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”
The farmer looks at the man, obviously a city slicker, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?” The farmer thinks it over, it’s a huge herd so he accepts the bet.
The city slicker parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location. From there he feeds the data to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
Within seconds he receives an email on his Smartphone that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC-connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his phone and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, ‘You have exactly 1,423 cows’.
The farmer is astonished because the city slicker’s figure is exactly correct. He says, ‘OK, I’m a man of my word, take a cow.’ The investment city slicker selects one of the animals and begins to walk away.
‘Wait,’ yells the farmer, ‘Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation.’ The city slicker agrees readily.
‘You are a Congressman for the U.S. Government,’ says the farmer.
‘Good grief!’ splutters the city slicker, ‘You are exactly right, tell me, how did you deduce that?’
‘Easy,’ says the farmer, ‘give me back my dog, and I will tell you.’
“No guessing required.’ answered the farmer. ‘You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don’t know a thing about cows.
Time and the Pig
On a drive in the country, Roger, a city gent noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another.
‘Maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about,’ said Roger, the city gent, ‘but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn’t it save a lot of time?’
‘Ooh ar, time?’ answered the farmer. ‘What does time matter to a pig?’
Hillbilly Knows Best
A hillbilly farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store.
‘Heya, Wilbur,’ said Ron, the store owner. ‘Tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?’
‘You betcha, Ron. Ain’t no ‘tother way. Why?’
‘Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It’s called a “match”. ‘Match? Never heard of it.’
‘Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this,’ Ron says, taking a match and striking it on his trousers.
‘Huh. Well, that’s something, but that ain’t for me, Ron.’ ‘Well, why not?’
‘I can’t be walking twelve miles every time I want a fire and borrow your trousers.’
Story of a Farmer Seeking True Love
A farmer’s cooperative in North Wales offering organic food has come out with a unique idea of finding love for its 20 farmer-members. The dairy cooperative Calon Wen is introducing the “Fancy a Farmer?” campaign by placing pictures of lonely farmers on its milk cartons.
According to the Daily Post, the cartons of Calon Wen’s organic milk will have the stickers of three men and two women looking for a date. The men and women were all members of the cooperative, the report said. Iwan Jones, 30 of Groes Bach, Groes, near Denbig, and a director of the Calon Wen cooperative, conceptualized the idea after numerous love failures for himself.
He told the Post, ‘It’s a bit of a laugh really – but if I was approached by an attractive young lady I wouldn’t turn her away.’
The 20-member organic farmers cooperative has also tied a partnership with a Welsh online dating agency to maximize their exposure. Jones adds, ‘The Welsh countryside is a great place to live, with stunning scenery, but it can be a hard place to find a date as I’m finding out!’ He said the two young women participating in the campaign only agreed ‘after a bit of arm-twisting.’ ‘We didn’t want to be accused of being sexist,’ he added.
