Clean Jokes

Funny Clean Jokes – Drop Dead

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in Monaghan’s flat in Dungarvan when Sean O’Toole loses €700 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael Lennon looks around and asks, ‘Oh, me boys, someone’s got to tell Sean’s wife. Who will it be?’

They draw straws.  Cavan Colquhoun picks the short one.  They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse. ‘Discreet? I’m the most discreet Irishman you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me, announces Cavan.

He goes over to O’Toole’s house and knocks on the door. Brenda O’Toole answers and asks what he wants. Cavan declares: ‘Your husband just lost €700 and is afraid to come home.’

‘Tell him to drop dead!’ snarls Brenda. ‘I’ll go tell him.’ says Cavan.

Classic Yarn – Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, and Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, ‘We’re going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.’

The Englishman responds, ‘I’d like to hear “God Save The Queen” just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.’

The Irishman replies, ‘I’d like to hear “Danny Boy” just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O’Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.’

The Welshman answers, ‘I’d like to hear “Men Of Harlech” just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.’

The Scotsman says quickly, ‘I’d like to be shot first.’

Bingo!

Question. How many bingo callers does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer. One, on its own, just the one!

If you’re a bingo fanatic & interested in some great competitions. They are running a brilliant members-only prize giveaway this summer over at the UK’s biggest bingo portal.

Five Amusing Shop Signs

1. Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong: LADIES HAVE FITS UPSTAIRS.
2. Tailor shop, Greece: ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT. BECAUSE IS A BIG RUSH, WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN STRICT ROTATION.
3. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.
4. At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
5. Shipton-under-Wychwood in Oxon, UK has a local plumber whose van announces: ‘The Lone Drainer – he comes pronto.’

The Way to Hell?

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, ‘I’ve got news for you. You’re going straight to hell.’ The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, ‘Oh no, I’m on the wrong bus, I wanted to go to Baltimore.’

Clean Jokes from the Classroom

Five School Excuse Notes

1. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
2. Please excuse Emma for being absent last week.  She had flue so I had her shot.
3. Please excuse Eddie from P.E.  Yesterday he fell out of a sycamore tree and misplaced his hip.
4. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
5. Experience is a hard teacher. She gives the test first and the lessons afterward.

Know your Apples

Here is the scene: The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Church elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.  The nun made a note and put it on the apple tray…

‘Take only ONE. God is watching.’

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’

School Fee Increase

An English public school was forced to raise its fees.  The headmaster, Mr Jackson decided that the best way to raise the extra money was to institute an across-the-board 6% increase per annum. Unfortunately, when his secretary typed the letter, she missed a crucial ‘n’ in the last word, consequently, the letter read thus:

Dear Mr Elsworth

Due to increased costs, I have decided reluctantly to raise the school fees by 7% per annum.

Yours sincerely,
J.B. Jackson (Headmaster)

The following month, one concerned parent replied by saying:

Dear Headmaster

I regret your increase in fees, but I would like to continue paying through the nose as before.

Yours sincerely
W.K Elsworth

Funny Clean Police Jokes

Police Officer in Court

Q: Policeman, when you stopped the defendant, were the red and blue lights flashing on your police car?
A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her vehicle?
A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Something Missing?

Last week, Vicky, a distraught wife went to the local police station in Wigan, Lancashire, along with her next-door neighbor, Pauline, to report that her husband was missing.

The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.

Vicky described him clearly and in detail, ‘He is 35 years old, 6ft 4 inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is softly-spoken and is fabulous with the children.

Pauline interrupts her protesting, ‘Why Vicky, your husband is 5 ft 8 inches, corpulent, bald, has a big mouth, and is horrid to your children.

Vicky replied, with a sigh, ‘Yes, but who wants HIM back?’

Amusing Stories

Parents Give a Great Send-off

Young Tony was with his parents and they were taking refreshments in the bar at Manchester station when they heard a whistle. The three of them rushed out of the bar onto the platform only to discover that they had just missed the train.

‘The next train is in one hour,’ intoned the stationmaster.

The three went back into the bar. The parents had another drink, Tony had a Coke. Again they heard a whistle, rushed out, and discovered the train pulling away.

‘Next one is sixty minutes from now,’ grunted the stationmaster.

An hour later, Tony, with his mum and dad, raced out onto the platform, and his parents leaped onto the train as it pulled away. The boy was left standing on the platform and began to laugh uproariously.

‘Your parents just left you,’ said the stationmaster. ‘Why are you laughing?’

Tony smiled, ‘They only came to see me off.’

Funny Supermarket Story

This is how to find your wife, even in the busiest supermarket.  Follow these four-point instructions, and the technique never fails.

1. Have a look around at the shoppers, then walk up to the prettiest girl in the store.
2. Say to her, ‘Excuse me, can you help me?  I cannot see my wife, and I know that she is here in the supermarket somewhere. Can you just talk to me for a couple of minutes?’
3. The pretty girl will ask: ‘Why?’
4. You reply: ‘Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife materializes out of thin air.’

It’s Barbie Time

I was waiting at a customer services station at Asda when a woman in front of me was returning a disposable barbeque.  When asked why she was returning the barbeque, she replied, ‘There was no meat in it.’

The shop assistant patiently explained that the disposable barbeque was simply to cook the meat and it did not include any food.  Whereupon, the customer looked very embarrassed indeed.

The assistant checked the receipt and asked: ‘There are 3 barbeques on here, are you returning the other two as well?’

‘I can’t’, said the woman, ‘they are at home in the freezer’.

More Funny Clean Jokes

Guy’s Tale of the Three Bags

At the airline check-in at London Heathrow, Guy has three bags.  He puts them down and says to the young lady, ‘I’d like you to send this one to Los Angeles, that one to Hong Kong, and the last one to Durban.’  Her face shows signs of confusion before her training takes over and she says, ‘I’m afraid we can’t do that, sir.’

‘Why not?’ demands Guy, ‘you did the last time I flew with you.’

How to Get Really Smart

A customer at Stingray Fishmongers marveled at the owner’s quick wit and intelligence.

‘Tell me, Simon, what makes you so smart?’

‘I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone, ‘Simon replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won’t hear.’
But since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you’ll be positively brilliant.’

‘You sell them here?’ the customer asks.

‘Only $4 apiece’, says Simon.

The customer buys three. A week later, he’s back in the store complaining that the fish heads are disgusting and he isn’t any smarter.

‘You didn’t eat enough, ‘says Simon. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he’s
back and this time he’s really angry.

‘Hey, Simon, ‘he complains, ‘you’re selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. you’re ripping me off!’

‘You see?’ says Simon, ‘you’re smarter already.’

Rubbish Ambition?

I recently asked a friend, ‘Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?’

‘Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector’, my friend replied.

I had to think about that one for a moment. ‘That’s a rather strange ambition to have for a career,’ I finally managed to reply.

‘Well,’ said the boy’s father, ‘he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays’.

Funny Frog Joke

I went fishing this morning but after a short time, I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.  So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey into its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp.  I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South.

It’s a Dog’s Life – Funny Clean Joke

One evening, Bill and Jackson’s wives decided to dine out at a new Chinese Restaurant.  Jackson’s wife Julie was inseparable from her Pekingese dog called ‘Pepe’.  So Took took Pepe along with them to the restaurant. Whenever they went to their usual restaurant the manager’s wife looked after Pepe while they ate, and they thought it would be no different this new restaurant.

Julie and her friend Rachel gave Pepe to the owner and went to their seats. They ordered their meal, had a few drinks, and eventually their meal arrived. They were mortified when it turned out to be their beloved Pepe surrounded by Chop Suey.

As the owner explained the next day to Bill and Jackson, they thought that Julie and Rachel wanted the chef to cook the dog, not look after it while the women dined.

Characteristics of Happiness

Optimism

People who are optimistic, by definition feel happier about the future as they assume things will be better than they likely will be, even in the face of a negative past.

Contented

People who are not bothered by the past or future can also just be happy in the present moment. Worry about the future
is a common creator of unhappiness, and stopping worrying can give you a huge boost.

Humor

Those with a sense of fun and who can laugh, especially at themselves, are generally happier.

Laughing at yourself implies a sound sense of security with a reduced tendency to worry, which in turn contributes to happiness.

Achievement

People who challenge themselves, seeking to learn and achieve find pleasure not only in reaching their goals but also
in the struggle and focus to get there.

They often set both smaller and larger goals, enabling them to get a sense of achievement in each of the little steps along the way to the greater joy of achieving something significant.

Caring

People who are altruistic, caring for others, and spending time helping them often find great happiness in this.
Caring for others gets you out of yourself and stops you from worrying. Seeing others who are less fortunate than you can also provide motivation.

Integrity

Being true to yourself creates internal alignment and reduces inner conflict that prevents you from being truly happy. This helps to explain how caring works — if you have internal Values that say ‘caring is right’, then by caring for others you increase internal alignment.

Gratitude

People who are grateful for their lot in life and who show gratitude towards others for the things they receive have been found to be happier. Notably, thanks can be found in many religious prayers.

Activity

When people keep busy they are often happier than those who slow down, watch TV, surf the net, and other less active
things.

Activity reduces the time for moping, adds interest, and increases the chance of meeting others and finding happiness in new areas.

Two Funny Funny Clean Camouflage Jokes

An Excerpt is taken from the “Irish Army Camouflage Manual” An Excerpt taken from the “Irish Army Camouflage Manual”

1. When the soldier is moving through woodland, he’s supposed to break off branches and put them on his helmet.
2. When he is moving through cornfields, he’s to break off some cornstalks and put them on his helmet.
3. When the soldier is moving through a cabbage field he’s supposed to take off his helmet for the best camouflage.

………………………And There’s More……………

Gordon, an occasional hunter, visits a gentleman’s outfitters and asks, ‘Do you sell camouflage jackets?’

‘Yes, indeed,’ replies the salesman, unfortunately, we can’t find them.’

The American and the Welsh Farmer

An American farmer was on holiday in Wales.  He could not resist exploring the hill farms north of Aberystwyth.  At lunch time he dropped into a pub and fell into easy conversation with a Welsh farmer.

‘How big is your spread?’, asked the American. ‘Well look you, it’s about 20 acres he said’. Only 20 acres the American responded, back in Texas I can get up at sunrise, saddle my horse, and ride all day, when I return at supper time, I’ll be lucky to cover half my farm’. ‘Dew dew’, said the Welshman, ‘I once had a horse like that, but sent him to the knacker’s yard.’

Amusing One-Liners

1. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
2. Britain has invented a new missile. It’s called the civil servant – it doesn’t work and it can’t be fired.
3. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
4. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor’s degree and the woman gets her master’s.
5. Confucius says, ‘Man who sinks into woman’s arms; Soon has his arms in woman’s sink.’
6. I intend to live forever – so far so good.

Five of the Shortest Books Ever Written

1. Arctic Water Polo
2. Bedouin Olympic Swimmers
3. One-Legged Folk Dances
4. Advanced Subtraction
5. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

Drôle News Items

1. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in Boston, Massachusetts, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
2. A warning on an electric drill made for carpenters cautions: ‘This product is not intended for use as a dental drill.’
3. Fire investigators on Maui, Hawaii, USA, have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last
   month: a short circuit in the homeowner’s newly installed fire prevention alarm system ‘This is even worse than last year,’ said the distraught homeowner, ‘when someone broke in and stole my new security system.’
4. Small Fry? On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist.  They’ve never been to the ‘Chips ‘r Us’ fish and chippy on the Sutton Road.
5. Free puppies: part German shepherd, part dog.

Silly Puns

• Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’
• Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day. But I couldn’t find any.
• ‘Deja Moo’: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

Amusing Joke from our Lawyer Pages

True Courtroom Exchanges

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

A Sign You’re Drunk

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left-hand side, there is a valley and on your right-hand side, there is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you, there is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you, there is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get off the merry-go-round – you’re drunk!

Footnote: Please send us your funny cle

Clean Circus Jokes

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: ‘Does this taste funny to you?’

Circus Supremo: P.T. Barnum

P.T. Barnum, the owner of the Barnum & Bailey Circus was the originator of the phrase “There’s a sucker born every minute”.  Sometime in the early 1900’s he offered $10,000 in cash to any person who could thoroughly dupe, or sucker him.

Barnum was always looking for interesting new acts or novel creatures to exhibit, and one day he received a letter from a fellow in Maine who claimed to possess a cherry-coloured cat.  He asked Barnum if he was interested in such a thing for his circus.

Barnum contacted the man and said yes, if the cat were truly cherry-colored, he’d gladly put it on display.

Well, a few days later a crate marked “live animal” was delivered to him.  When Barnum opened it, he found a somewhat frightened but otherwise perfectly ordinary-looking black housecat inside, along with a note that read:

“Maine cherries are black. There’s a sucker born every minute…”

Thoroughly tickled, Barnum sent the man a cheque for $10,000.

(It’s not known what happened to the cat, but maybe Barnum kept it as a reminder of the day he got suckered.)

Tightrope Walkers

Yesterday I went to the circus, and at the concession booth, I saw some tightrope Walkers. What a weird flavor for a packet of crisps.

Footnote: This joke only works in the UK. Lay’s Potato Chips (USA) and Walker’s Crisps are the same product, just different names on the wrappers.

Clown Deals with Heckler

Tim is a professional clown who entertains groups at parties and company picnics. On one occasion, an inebriated guest began heckling him in the middle of a performance, disrupting his act.

Ignoring the heckler wasn’t working, so he used a different tactic. Slipping his arm around his shoulder, Tim looked him in the eye and said,

“Mister, I get paid to dress up and make a fool of myself — what’s your excuse?”

The Most Famous Clown in the UK – Coco

Nicolai Poliakoff OBE (1900 – 1974)

I remember Coco dressed in his auguste costume, he always wore very large shoes, and I loved his trick hair, which whooshed up at the sides when another clown surprised him.

We even had a catchphrase to honor this clown, if one of my friends said something incredulous, another would put him down by saying ‘I Should Coco’.

Funny Circus Artists

1. I have just been offered a job as a clown. My boss told me the other guy was good. Seems to me I’ll have some big shoes to fill.
2. I was looking through the employment section of the paper today and saw a vacancy for an acrobat. I thought, perfect, I could do that standing on my head…
3. Before my father died he worked in a circus as a stilt walker… I used to look up to him…
4. I was knocked over by a clown car! Luckily, 17 people got out to help.
5. The knife swallower finally solved his cholesterol problem. He stopped swallowing butter knives!
6. A man decides to join the circus. The ringmaster agrees to watch his act in the big top to see if he is suitable. The man climbs a tall tower and jumps off flapping his arms wildly. After a few seconds, his fall slows and he soars forward, swoops up, turns and stops in mid-air then gently glides to the ground. He turns and smiles at the ringmaster. ‘What do you think?’ asks the man. The ringmaster looks unimpressed. ‘Is that all you can do? Bird imitations?’
   

Circus Boy

Jim and Janet from the circus go to an adoption agency. Officials, there are rather concerned about their accommodation, but the couple produces photographs of their luxurious, 15-metre-long caravan, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.

“But what about education for your child if you are constantly on the move?” “We have employed an Oxford don who will teach all the main subjects, plus IT skills and Mandarin Chinese.”

“And what about health?” “Our full-time nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet.”

Finally, the agency is satisfied and asks, “What age of child are you looking for?” “It doesn’t really matter,” they reply, “as long as it fits into the cannon.”

Another Cannonball Joke

After a long career of being blasted into a net, Marvin. the human cannonball was tired.  He told the circus owner he was going to retire.

“But you can’t!” protested the boss. “Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?”

Tricky Duck

A circus owner walked into a bar. Everyone was crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside-down pot with a duck tap dancing on top of it.

The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled on $10000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner stormed back to the bar in a rage.

“Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn’t dance a single step!”
“So?” asked the duck’s former owner, “did you remember to light the candle under the pot?”

A Clown in the Kitchen?

You know the restaurant has a clown as a chef when the food tastes funny.

Cheesy Jokes

You could only find jokes more cheesy than these if you worked at a cheese factory.

We Serve YOU

‘Do you serve lobsters?’ ‘We serve anybody, sir.’

Question and Answer Session

Q. How’s your job at the clock company?
A. Only time will tell.

Q. How’s your job at the banana company?
A. I keep slipping up.

Q. How’s your job on the new highway?
A. I’m so busy I don’t know which way to turn.

Q. How’s your job at the travel agency?
A. I’m going nowhere.

Q. How’s your job at the swivel chair company?
A. It makes my head spin!

Q. How’s your job at the lemon juice company?
A. I’ve had bitter jobs.

Q. How’s your job at the pie company?
A. It didn’t pan out.

Q. How’s your job at the balloon factory?
A. We can’t keep up with inflation.

Q. How’s your job at the crystal ball company?
A. I’m making a fortune.

Q. How’s your job at the history book company?
A. There’s no future in it.

Q. How’s your job at the clock company?
A. I’m having second thoughts about it.

Q. How’s your job on the farm?
A. Problems keep cropping up.

Q. How’s your job at the sewing shop?
A. Hanging on by a thread.

Q. How’s your job at the eyeglasses clinic?
A. I have clear job objectives.

Stop Those Hiccups

Roland ran into a bar and shouted a question to Rita, the barmaid, ‘What’s the quickest way to stop hiccups?’

Rita was holding a damp bar towel in her hand so she smacked him round the face with it.

Completely stunned, Roland spluttered, ‘What did you do that for?’

‘Well, you haven’t got hiccups now, have you?’ beamed a satisfied Rita.

‘It ain’t me you Silly Billy’, retorted Roland, ‘It’s my son outside.’

More Cheesy Jokes

Are your relatives in business?’ ‘Yes – in the iron and steel business’ ‘Oh, indeed?’

‘Yes – my mother irons and my father steals’

Call Time

Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time.

One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity. ‘I’m foreman of the local sawmill,’ he explained. ‘Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time.’

The operator giggled, ‘That’s really funny,’ she said. ‘All this time we’ve been setting our clock by your whistle.’

Confucius Say:

‘Confucius he says: Man with one watch always knows what time it is – Man with two watches never sure.’

Letter of the Month – Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice.  I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with ‘the girls’ a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, ‘Just some friends from work, you donít know them.’ I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didnít want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with ‘the girls’. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the golf shop where I bought it?

Clean Funny French Jokes

Will believes that this Thomas Jefferson quote reflects his Francophile viewpoint: ‘Every man has two countries, his own and France.’

Guy muses that we poke fun at the English, Welsh, Scottish, and Irish, thus it would be insulting to ignore the French!

Insulting Humour About The French

The makers of French’s Mustard made the following recent statement, ‘We at the French’s Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France.  There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow.’

Why wouldn’t the Statue of Liberty work in France?  Because she has only one arm raised.

What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? The Army.

Do you know what’s the difference between a chimpanzee and a Frenchman?

One of them is hairy, stinky, and scratches his bottom all the time.

The other is a chimpanzee.

Funny, Clean French Jokes and Cartoons

• Mick was saying his prayers as his father passed by his bedroom door. ‘God bless Mummy, and God bless Daddy, and please make Rennes the capital of France.’ ‘Mick,’ said his father, ‘why do you want Rennes to be the capital of France? ‘Because that’s what I wrote in my geography exam.’
• Which ghost was the president of France? Charles de Ghoul’
• What is the Guillotine? A French chopping center.

Rabbit Problem

The French will eat almost anything.  A young cook, Jean Luc, decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city.

Jean Luc searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits.  None could be found.

Finally, an old priest, Father Pierre, at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits.  Jean Luc successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them.

One restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. Jean Luc replied with a smile, ‘I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have … a hutch back of Notre Dame.’

A Further Five Favourite Funnies Found in France

1. The firm Hunt-Wesson introduced its “Big John” products in French Canada as “Gros Jos” before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means “big bosoms”. Apparently, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales of their product.
2. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious pornographic magazine.
3. Seen in a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
4. Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
5. In a Chambres d’Hôtes in Brittany, France: “The genuine antics in your room come from our family castle. Long life to it.” And…. “Please avoid coca watering, cream cleaning, wet towel wrapping, and ironing drying.”

Classic Examples of Franglais Phrases

Coup de grace – A lawn mower.
La deviation pour chauffeur de camion – My driver likes camels.

Moi aussi – I am an Australian.

Pas de deux? – Father of twins?

Mange tout – You’re pretty mangy yourself.

Pain prune – I cut myself with the secateurs.
Chaussee deformer? – Are you a contortionist?

Parke le char – My tea is cold.
Suivez la piste – Never mind, follow that drunk!

Light-Hearted Quotations About France

1. An old saying: Raise your right hand if you like the French.  Raise both hands if you are French.
2. How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?  One.  He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.
3. I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me. – General George S. Patton
4. Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion. – Norman Scwartzkopf
5. Next time there’s a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.

Andouillette is a coarse-grained smoked tripe sausage made with pork or occasionally veal, chitterlings, pepper, wine, onions, and seasonings.

Clean Hilarious One-liners, Jokes, and Uproarious Yarns

What is the Matterhorn? It’s a horn you blow when something’s the matter.

Hilarious One-liners

Note: unlike most collections of humor which tend to be samey, Will and Guy have deliberately chosen a wide variety of subject matter and styles, thus we will be amazed if at least one of these comical one-liners does not make you smile.

• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.  Then it hit me.
• It’s not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it’s the seconds.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
• If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
• Terminal Illness – Getting sick at the airport.
• It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic, and 200 million to make a film about it.
• Funny names for children: Hazel Nutt, Phil Hole, Anna Sasin, and Doug Graves.
• Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case!

Unusual Text Message

Had a text from my mate the other day:

‘I’ve just been arrested and charged with being the ugliest man in Britain  please come down to the police station and prove them wrong.’

Hilarious Animal One-liners

• Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
• A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
• The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
• Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and he’ll eat for weeks!  Toshihiro Kawabata
• The second mouse gets the cheese.
• Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops of the milk.
• Nothing succeeds like a parrot with no teeth. 
• Oxymoron: Look at that giant midget settle on the jumbo shrimp.
• Customer: ‘Do you serve lobsters?’ Waiter: ‘We serve anybody, sir.’

 Clean Hilarious One-liner Put-downs

• I liked your opera.  Perhaps I will set it to music. Mozart
• I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.  Groucho Marx
• A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
• Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
• Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination. Oscar Wilde
• Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. The second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
• Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.  Ambrose Bierce

Quiz Show Funnies

Anne Robinson: Which Indian leader, whose last name began with ‘G’ took the title Mahatma?
Contestant: Geronimo  (Correct Answer)

Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?

Contestant: Crocodiles.

Les Dennis: What is Hitler’s first name?

Contestant: Heil

Courtroom Lawyer: What gear were you in at the moment of the car crash?
Defendant: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

More Hilarious One-Liner Jokes

Here is another tranche of one-liners.  Once again the only theme is variety.  We hope that you will enjoy reading these uproarious one-liners as much as we did in selecting them.

• A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on his shoulder. He says to the barman give us a pint and one for the road.  Tommy Cooper
• I just got lost in thought.  It was unfamiliar territory.
• I do not have a single white note on my piano; my elephant smoked too much.  Victor Borge
• Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
• Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?  Steve Wright
• Rufus always slept with his gun under his pillow.  Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe.

Clean Nuns Humour

Two Priests Decided to Go to Hawaii on Vacation

Two priests were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their ‘tourist’ garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery when a ‘drop dead gorgeous’ topless blonde came walking straight towards them …… They couldn’t help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said ‘Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,’ nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?  So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them and said ‘Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,’ and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said, ‘Just a minute, young lady.’ ‘Yes, Father?’

‘We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?’

She replied, ‘Father, it’s me, Sister Kathleen’ …

New Bar Stools – For Smartly Dressed Women **

Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July. It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire’s Pub for a cold soft drink.

Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable Eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door.

They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw:-

** At first Guy was a bit slow on the uptake.  To tell the truth, I was in danger of dismissing the story as poor until I looked at the source – Hannah Baker.  Then I thought, hmm… if Hannah sent it, this must be good, so I re-read the story, studied the picture, especially the nun’s habits, and I smiled. Smart Women.

John, the vicar of St Mary’s was enthused to raise money for his cathedral’s roof. He felt the usual

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St Christopher was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

St Christopher and the Taxi Driver

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St Christopher to a mansion. It had everything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic-sized pool.

‘Oh my word, thank you,’ said the taxi driver.

Next, St Christopher led the priest to a rough old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

‘Wait, I think you are a little mixed up,’ said the priest. ‘Shouldn’t I be the one who gets the mansion? After all, I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God’s word.’

‘Yes, that’s true.’ St Christopher rejoined, ‘But during your sermons, people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.’

Nasty Case of Arthritis

A man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie is stained, his face is smeared with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin is sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opens a newspaper and begins reading.

After a few minutes, the guy turns to the priest and asks, ‘Say, Father, what causes arthritis?’ Loose living; cheap, wicked woman; too much alcohol; and contempt for your fellow man, ‘answers the priest.’ I’ll be damned, ‘the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he said, nudges the man and apologizes.’ I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to be so harsh. How long have you had arthritis?’

‘Oh, I don’t have it, Father. But it says here that the Pope does.’

Holy Smoke

Acting on a tip-off, Greek police officers raided a nunnery in the village of Filiro, near Thessaloniki in Greece. It amazed them to find 35
healthy cannabis plants growing in the walled garden.

What the nuns told the police was, that two gentlemen offered to help them tidy the garden in the Greek Orthodox nunnery. Summing up the circumstances, the officers believed the nuns when they said they had no idea that ‘decorative plants’ were really pot or k├ínnabis in Greek. Police are still trying to trace the two gardeners.

Driving Jokes

Department for Transport Initiative

Because of the poor quality of driving in England, the Department for Transport has now devised a new scheme to identify poor drivers and give good drivers the opportunity to recognize them whilst driving.

There was a huge plague of such drivers on 2nd June 2006 (World Cup Football).  Those drivers who were found to be driving badly included:

• Overtaking in dangerous places
• Hovering within one inch of the car in front
• Stopping sharply
• Speeding in residential areas
• Pulling out without indication
• Performing U-turns inappropriately in busy streets;
• undertaking on motorways taking up more than one lane in multi-lane roads

These drivers will be issued with flags, white with a red cross, signifying their inability to drive properly. These flags must be clipped to the door of the car and be visible to all other drivers and pedestrians.

Those drivers who have shown particularly poor driving skills will have to display a flag on each side of the car to indicate their greater lack of skill and general lower intelligence mindset to the general public.

Please circulate this to as many other motorists as you can so that drivers and pedestrians will be aware of the meaning of these flags.

Department for Transport

3 June 2006.

Peep your horn and get a ticket

A man who beeped his horn at seven police manning a speed check was given a £30 fine.

Highway worker Nick Lenthall beeped his horn and raised his thumb at the officers as he drove past in his council
lorry in Bournemouth.

He was shocked when the entire unit climbed into their van and pulled him over a few minutes later.

Sergeant Richard Newton then handed Nick a ticket for ‘ unnecessary use of audible warning equipment’.

Nick, 47, said: ‘It was a very light-hearted thing, I was just having a laugh. And I wasn’t speeding. But I was stunned when they pulled me over and started telling me off. It’s a waste of resources.’

A police spokesman confirmed that a sergeant, two PCs, and four trainee officers were at the speed check.

According to The Sun, he said: ‘A fixed penalty notice was issued for a minor traffic offense.’

Attention ALL Men !!!

Do women call you Fatty?
Do women call you Baldy?
Do women call you Ugly?
Do you have bad breath?
Do women call you Shorty?
Do your ears have more hair than your head?
Do women call you Stupid?
Do women call you a Loser?
Are you over 30, 40, 50, 60, or even 70?
Worst of all, have women completely lost interest in you?

Do not despair. Now there is a new ‘Male Beauty Product’ on the market that will change all of that!

Hilarious and Very Funny Drunk Driver Test

Paul, an accomplished juggler was driving to his next performance in Baltimore when he was stopped by the Highway patrol.

‘What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?’ enquires the cop.

‘I’m a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act,’ announces Paul amiably.

‘Oh yeah?’ says the doubtful cop. ‘Let’s see you do it then.’

Sighing, Paul the juggler climbs out of his motor and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. ‘Wow,’ says the driver to his wife. ‘I’m glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now.’

• An Irishman goes to his dentist and gets all his teeth taken out. When he returned home he said, ‘Never again’.

Funny Pub Names

We think these are good pub names, if Will and Guy were to open a new hostelry, this would be our short list of pub names:

• Devil’s Punchbowl
• The Elusive Camel
• The Hung Drawn And Quartered
• The Fawcett Inn
• Dirty Nelly’s
• The Hairy Lemon
• The Three-Legged Mare [locally known as The Wonky Donkey]
• The Hog In The Pound
• Pig and Whistle
• The Roaring Donkey
• Spread Eagle
• Dirty Dick’s
• Filthy Mc Nasty’s

Ten Funny and Strange Ideas about Luck

1. He who is afraid of bad luck will never know good. – Russian proverb
2. I busted a mirror and got seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. – Stephen Wright
3. It is bad luck to fall out of a thirteenth-story window on Friday. – American Proverb
4. I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t. – Patrick Murray
5. Do you believe that getting married on a Friday brings bad luck? Of course, why would Friday be an exception? – Anon
6. If a funeral car passes you should hide your thumb. – Japanese belief
7. A black cat crossing the street in front of you causes bad luck.
8. A rabbit’s foot, a four-clover leaf, or a horseshoe, may ward off bad luck to the owner.
9. Shallow men believe in luck. Strong men believe in cause and effect. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
10. Luck never made a man wise. – Seneca

Funny Shorts Heard by Will and Guy About Swine Flu

• Swine flu is spread by capitalist pigs
• Swine Fever is a song by Piggy Lee
• I had a bad day yesterday, I made a pig’s ear of everything I tried
• I think I have the swine flu. I have the sudden urge to eat bacon
• I think I have swine flu: I’ve broken out in rashers
• Apparently, my mate’s got Swine Flu, I think he’s just telling porkies, though
• Will there be a mass outbreak of Human/Avian Swine flu? When pigs fly…
• For normal flu, we say “achoo”, but for swine flu, we say “achoink”

‘Waiter – There’s a Fly in My Champagne’

A multi-national company held a reception to celebrate Christmas. The waiter gave each guest a glass of champagne, but on inspection, each guest noticed that their glass contained a fly.

• The Swede asked for new champagne in the same glass
• The Englishman demanded to have new champagne in a new glass
• The Finn picked out the fly out and drank the champagne
• The Russians drank champagne, fly, and all
• The Chinese ate the fly but left the champagne
• The Israelis caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese
• The Italian drank two-thirds of the champagne and then demanded to have a new glass
• The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish
• The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the champagne, which he then donated to the Englishman
• The American sued the restaurant and claimed for a $50 million compensation
• The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and shouted, ‘Now spit out all that you swallowed.’

Credit Crunch One Liners

• The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet.  The car’s been repossessed.
• A director decided to award a prize of £50 for the best idea of saving the company money during the credit crunch. It was won by a young executive who suggested reducing the prize money to £10.
• How do you define an optimist? A bank manager who irons 5 shirts on Sunday night.
• A man went to his bank manager and said, ‘I’d like to start a small business. How do I go about it?’ ‘Simple,’ said the bank manager. ‘Buy a big one and wait.’
• What’s the difference between an investment banker and a pizza Margherita?  A pizza Margherita can feed a family of five.

Life After Marriage

Daniel and Jessica, a young couple, got married and went happily on their honeymoon. When they got back, Jessica immediately ‘phoned her mother and her mother obviously asked, ‘How was the honeymoon, dearest?’

‘Oh, Ma,’ she replied, ‘the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic…’

Then Jessica burst out crying. ‘But, Ma, as soon as we returned home Daniel started using the most ghastly language… saying things I’ve never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home…. Please Ma.’

‘Calm down, Jessica!,’ said her mother, ‘Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?’
Still sobbing, Jessica whispered, ‘Oh, Ma…words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.’

Funny Weekend Jokes

Assorted Jokes and One-liners

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

What is the difference between a cello and a viola?  A cello burns longer.

I was staying in a hotel and I saw a sign on the shower cap, it said: ‘Fits one head only’
.

Ronnie Barker Jokes

‘The man who invented the zip fastener was today honored with a lifetime of peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies.’

‘The prime minister held a meeting with the cabinet today. He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers.’

Amusing Truisms

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Funny Notices

Cocktail Lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Wise Words

Even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.

To cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.

Saturday’s child works hard for a living.

Saturn day. (Samedi in French). Saturday morning still has a special feeling for Will and Guy – it’s sports day, quickly finish the chores and then watch our favorite sport.

The Season Ticket

Iris was reading her Saturday newspaper, while her husband, Ben, was engrossed in the magazine.

Suddenly, Iris burst out laughing. ‘Listen to this, Ben,’ she said, ‘There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to *Stamford Bridge.’

‘Hmmm,’ Ben said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Iris asked, ‘Would you swap me for a season ticket?’ ‘Absolutely not,’ Ben replied.

‘How sweet, ‘Iris continued, ‘Tell me why not.?’ ‘Season’s more than half over,’ Ben trumpeted.

*Stamford Bridge is the stadium where Chelsea Football Club plays.

Sunday’s child is wise and good.

Sun day, the day of God. The Latin translation is Dominica, hence Dimanche in French.  Sunday still has an element of a day of rest. Therefore, it’s only natural that our humor should change at the weekend. I see mellower jokes going down better at the weekend, a reminder of the movies, or the big game

Five Funny Signs Spotted In Sunday Restaurants

1. At restaurant gas stations throughout the nation: Eat here and get gas.
2. At a Sante Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
3. In a New Hampshire jewelry store: Ears pierced while you wait.
4. In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.
5. In a Michigan restaurant: The early bird gets the worm. Special shoppers’ luncheon before 11 am.

Silly Weekend Chant

1 Tequila

2 Tequila

3 Tequila

Floor.

Gaffes

1. Phone Gaffe

This emergency telephone can be found at Holkham Beach in Norfolk, England

2. Game Show Gaffes

• UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE Bamber Gascoigne: What was Ghandi’s first name? Contestant: Goosey, Goosey?
• THE WEAKEST LINK Anne Robinson: In traffic, what ‘ J’ is where two roads meet? Contestant: Jool carriageway.
• Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius? Contestant: Bombay.
• Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes? Contestant: Crocodiles.
• Anne Robinson: In olden times,! what were minstrels, traveling entertainers, or chocolate salesmen? Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.
• NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET Eamonn Holmes: What’s the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.? Contestant: William Shakespeare. BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last? Contestant (after a long pause): Fourteen days.

Heroic Failure

I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. Bill Cosby

Bigamist Plumber

A plumber sent to prison on a driving charge had pleaded with Walton-on-Thames magistrates not to jail him as he was due to marry the next week.

The local newspaper reported the case thus alerting his wife that he was about to commit bigamy.

Henri Darque – Magician

In Paris, France, magician Henri Darque managed to extricate himself from a pad-locked box… after three weeks! The illusionist had himself strapped inside a straitjacket and locked in the container, as a large audience looked on. Darque was supposed to escape within five minutes, but he never emerged. He left strict orders with his assistant never to help him out of the box. So three weeks later, he climbed out of the box… the bored audience had left after the first night.

Mark Ashby – Schoolboy

Mark Ashby was given a blue Mohican hairstyle by his parents as a reward for hard work at school in Omaha, Nebraska.  The school then suspended him for breaking the dress code.

Joan Slote – Cyclist

Joan Slote, aged 74, was fined £4,800 by the US Treasury for going on a cycle tour of Cuba, defying the US embargo of the island. She was also fined £80 for buying souvenirs.

Food, Family, and Philosophy

Mark is about to go out on his first date.  He is extremely nervous about what to say to his young lady Sandra, so he asks his Dad for advice.  His Dad answers, ‘Mark, there are three subjects that always work
when you are dating.
Remember them and they will be your friends, they are food, family, and philosophy.’

Mark calls for his new girlfriend and they go to a local pub. Drinks in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time with nobody talking.  Mark’s nervousness builds up. Then he recalls his Dad’s advice and chooses the first subject. He asks Sandra: ‘Do you like crisps?’ She says ‘ No, ‘and the silence immediately returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his Dad’s second suggestion and he asks, ‘Sandra, do you have a sister?’ Again, the girl says, ‘No’, and silence falls once again.

Mark then plays his last card. He thinks of his Dad’s advice and asks Sandra the following question that he is sure will get them talking, ‘If you had a sister, would she like crisps?’

Anonymous Accountant

An accountant in Salem, Pennsylvania, has been charged with ‘defiant trespass’, which carries a two-year prison sentence.  His alleged crime?  He spoke at a public meeting, objecting to a new sewage disposal plan, for 11 minutes instead of the allotted five.

Best of the Best Heroic Failures

A book entitled ‘Heroic Failures’ was written by Stephen Pile. Pub. 1979. contains the best examples of the genre. Will has laughed regularly at the antics described in the book.   It is a book worth dipping into.

a) The worst homing pigeon: This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead, in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil.

b) The least successful exhibition: The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents held an exhibition at Harrogate, Yorkshire in 1968. The entire display fell down.

c) The least successful distribution of anti-virus software: A distinguished software development group of a Computer Studies Department of an Austrian University, known and recognized for its contributions to anti-virus software, proudly announced its most recent product and distributed it to selected testers. Unfortunately, the distribution disk was infected by a new type of virus which could not be detected nor could it be removed by the previous release of that anti-virus software. An awkward callback action was necessary.

d) Worst rugby match: In 1966 a rugby match between a team from Colwyn Bay, Wales, and Portmadoc rugby
club was unexpectedly abandoned when at the kick-off it was discovered that neither team owned a ball.

Footnote: Guy knows this area of Wales well, the people are notorious for their tight-fisted ness.  For example, ‘Tal’ Evans from Llandudno (nearish to Colwyn Bay), won the world’s ‘Tight Wad’ championships 3 years running.

Finally a Success Story

A farmer in Iowa has bred cows that are less than three feet tall.  He is selling them as pets at $1,000 each.

Maturity Jokes

Here are a dozen or so useful pieces of advice designed to put you in a reflective mood.  These sayings are not strictly jokes but offer a useful change of pace as you flick through Will and Guy’s humor site.

I’ve learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

As I’ve Matured… I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I’ve learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others — they are more screwed up than you think.

I’ve learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I’ve learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I’ve learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you’re finished.

I’ve learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I’ve learned that ex are like fungus, which keeps coming back.

I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do unless we are celebrities.

I’ve learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I’ve learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Finally, I’ve learned that I don’t suffer from insanity – I enjoy it!

Make Sure They Get Your Name

Ian arrived at a very popular restaurant and he was dismayed to find it very crowded. Approaching the hostess Ian asked, ‘Will it be long?’

The hostess, seemingly ignoring Ian continued writing in her reservations book.

Thinking she had possibly not heard him the first time, Ian decided to ask again. ‘How much time is the wait for a table?’

Looking up from her book, the hostess smiled and said, ‘Oh, only about ten minutes. We will inform you when your table is ready.’

A short time later, Ian heard an announcement over the intercom system, ‘Willette
B. Long……… Willette B. Long, your table is ready.’

Shoe Problem?

One evening after work John drove his secretary home after she was unable to start her car.  Not wanting to bother his wife, Maureen, he decided not to mention it to her.

Later that night John and Maureen were driving out to eat when John spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat.  Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.

They arrived at the restaurant a short time later and were about to get out of the car when Maureen enquired, ‘John, have you seen my other shoe?’

Mechanic v Doctor Story

Allan, a mechanic, was removing a cylinder head from a Harley-Davidson motorbike when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his garage. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

Allan shouted across the garage, ‘Hey Doc can I ask you a question?’  The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to Allan.  Allan straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag, and asked, ‘So Doc, look at this engine.  I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix ’em, and put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one.  So how come I work for a pittance and you get the really big money when you and I are doing basically the same work?’

The surgeon paused, smiled leaned over, and whispered in Allan’s ear, ‘Try doing it with the engine
running.’

The inverse of Murphy’s Law

If something does go right subsequent events will show that it would have been better if it had gone wrong.

Kindly sent in by Stephen Willis

Funny Things Found in Returned Books: by Librarian Jan Bild

The Guardian newspaper is to be thanked for bringing this article to our attention having interviewed former librarian, Jan Bild, in Worthing after a 30-year career working in libraries.

The following strange articles were found in the books returned to the library:

1. A rasher of uncooked bacon [presumably a book mark]
2. A £10 note
3. A shoelace
4. One large feather
5. A bag of hashish in a hole gouged in the book’s center pages
6. A Pension book
7. Love letters to Edith
8. Vomit [sorry]
9. Photos
10. The page where every letter ‘O’ had been colored in
11. Excrement [sorry again]
12. Bank statements
13. Spaghetti

Clever, Witty, and Funny Mother-in-Law Jokes

Solomon Delivers Justice to Mother-in-Law

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. ‘This young man agreed to marry my daughter,’ said one.

‘No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,’ said the other. And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

‘Bring me my biggest sword,’ said Solomon, ‘and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half.’

‘Sounds good to me,’ said the first lady. But the other woman said, ‘Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the
other woman’s daughter marry him.’

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. ‘This man must marry the first lady’s daughter,’ he proclaimed.
‘But she was willing to hew him in two!’ exclaimed the king’s court.

‘Indeed,’ said wise King Solomon. ‘That shows she is the true mother-in-law.’

Psychic Mother-in-law

When Roger came home, his wife, Norma, was crying. ‘Your mother insulted me,’ she sobbed.

‘My mother?’ spluttered Roger, ‘How could she do that when she is on holiday on the other side of the world?’

‘I know.’ Norma gulped, ‘But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious.’

‘And?’

‘At the end of the letter it was written: Dear Norma, When you have finished reading this letter, don’t forget to give it to my son, Roger.’

Five Hilarious, Witty, Short, and True Funny Crime Stories

1. A man went into a drug store in Baltimore, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a “Hefty-bag” face mask over his head. He then realized that he’d forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask. He was arrested by security men.
2. A Belgium news agency reported, last year, that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn’t have done it because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.
3. Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home………… With the chain still attached to the machine………… With their
   bumper still attached to the chain…………. With their vehicle’s license plate still attached to the bumper. You couldn’t make it up!
4. When a man attempted to siphon petrol from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.
5. Investigating a purse snatching, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief’s description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an ID. The suspect carefully eyed the victim, and shouted, ‘Yeah, that’s the woman I robbed.’

A Witty, Wry, Stereotypical View of World Reaction to Terror Alerts

(Something to offend everyone! No nationality spared.)

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” Brits have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great plague of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent re that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing”. Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs”. They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels from “baaa” to “BAAAA!”. Due to continuing defense cutbacks [the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath], New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is ‘Croikey, I hope Australia will come to end riscue us.’ In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called “Bondi”.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, mate.” Three more escalation levels remain, “Crikey!”; “I think we’ll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend” and “The Barbie is canceled.” There has never been a situation that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

Funny, Amusing, and True Folly Stories

Jack the Treacle Eater – Funny Folly House

One story heard by Will and Guy is that of “Jack the Treacle Eater”.  The legend tells us that Jack was a local runner whose role was to carry messages for the Messiter family of Barwick Park, to London and back; we were told that he trained on treacle, to keep him going and hence his name.

Now, his commemorative tower can be found in Barwick Park, Somerset, England.  Does the picture to the right remind you of a man with huge thighs?  Or can you imagine those stones in the garden folly to be the messages?

Good Best Man Wedding Speech Joke

At the last wedding I was at there was a priest and a minister present.

When they brought the drinks round for the toast, the minister said, ‘I’ll have a large whisky.’

The priest commented, ‘No alcohol for me I’d rather go with a scarlet woman.’ So the minister put his drink back and murmured, ‘Sorry I didn’t know there was a choice.’

Now as the best man, I don’t want to offend anyone so if there is a priest or a minister present I apologize, and if there is a scarlet woman here: I’ll meet you in the bar in 10 minutes!

Lightning and Trees

Detailed and recent research on lightning deaths has led us to want to publicize the results: which trees [if at all] you might stand under in the event of a thunderstorm?

1. It is extremely dangerous to stand under any tree during a thunderstorm.
2. It is even more dangerous to stand under an oak than any other kind of tree.
3. The next most risky trees to stand under are poplars and Scots pines.
4. If you are determined to be a complete maniac and stand under a tree during a lightning strike, but don’t actually want to die, head for a beech. They are ten times less likely to be hit than oaks.
5. According to the very few studies done, you are also much less likely to be hit by lightning under a sycamore, hawthorn, or holly tree.

Funny Pub Names

We think these are good pub names, if Will and Guy were to open a new hostelry, this would be our short list of pub names:

• Devil’s Punchbowl
• The Elusive Camel
• The Hung Drawn And Quartered
• The Fawcett Inn
• Dirty Nelly’s
• The Hairy Lemon
• The Three-Legged Mare [locally known as The Wonky Donkey]
• The Hog In The Pound
• Pig and Whistle
• The Roaring Donkey
• Spread Eagle
• Dirty Dick’s
• Filthy Mc Nasty’s

Ten Funny and Strange Ideas about Luck

1. He who is afraid of bad luck will never know good. – Russian proverb
2. I busted a mirror and got seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. – Stephen Wright
3. It is bad luck to fall out of a thirteenth-story window on Friday. – American Proverb
4. I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t. – Patrick Murray
5. Do you believe that getting married on a Friday brings bad luck? Of course, why would Friday be an exception? – Anon
6. If a funeral car passes you should hide your thumb. – Japanese belief
7. A black cat crossing the street in front of you causes bad luck.
8. A rabbit’s foot, a four-clover leaf, or a horseshoe, may ward off bad luck to the owner.
9. Shallow men believe in luck. Strong men believe in cause and effect. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
10. Luck never made a man wise. – Seneca

People Say the Strangest Things

These phrases were culled from the small ad columns of local newspapers in the UK and the USA.  Hidden message, when you think You’ve finished with your paper, check the small ads.

• Semi-annual after-Christmas sale.
• We will oil your sewing machine and adjust the tension in your home for $10.00.
• Auto repair service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.
• Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
• Tattoos are done while you wait.
• Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months.
• Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with a round bottom for efficient beating.
• For sale: an antique desk suitable for ladies with thick legs and large drawers.
• Wanted: Man to take care of a cow that does not smoke or drink.
• Wanted: Mother’s helper – peasant working conditions.
• Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
• Amana washer $100. Owned by a clean bachelor who seldom washed.
• No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it repellent.
• Is there chicken in your vegetarian gumbo?

More Strange Things People Say and Do

• A person should bathe once in summer but not so often in winter.
• The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
• Definition of Census taker – a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
• Definition of Syntax – Tax paid by the sinners at the church.
• Definition of Virgin Forest – It is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
• Future tense of ‘I give’ – ‘I take’.
• Houses in France are generally made up of Plaster of Paris.
• Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
• Parts of Speech – Lungs and air.
• The word ‘trousers’ is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
• What is H2O and CO2? – H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
• What the residents of Moscow are called? – Mosquitoes.

Odd Sayings

• Is it because light travels faster than sound that some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
• It’s zero
  degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow. How cold will it be?
• Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
• Why do banks charge you an
  ‘insufficient funds’ fee on money they already know you don’t have?
• Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
• Why are there 5 syllables in the word ‘monosyllabic’?
• Why do they call it the
  Department of the Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Fast Phone Service!

Ian Bell, a lorry driver, who had never owned a cell phone, was a frequent user of the pay telephone at Weybridge Café, on Brooklands Road, and was greatly inconvenienced when the ‘phone broke down.

He made repeated requests for it to be repaired but sadly the telephone company only made promises.

After several days, Ian decided to contact the phone company again and told them that there was no longer any hurry to repair the box. He added that the ‘phone was now working fine, concluding with ‘except that all money was being returned to callers upon completion of each call.’

A repairman arrived within the hour.

10  Silly Jokes.

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s Round Table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
7. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
8. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
9. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: “Keep off the Grass.”
10. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

Twenty-Four Funny One-liners

1. If all is not lost, where is it?
2. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. A fool is a 27-story window-washer who steps back to admire his work.
5. An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
6. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
7. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
8. It was all so different before everything changed.
9. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
10. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
11. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
12. It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.
13. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
14. Old people shouldn’t eat healthy foods. They need all the preservatives they can get
15. A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
16. ‘stewardesses’ is the longest word typed with only the left hand and ‘lollipop’ with your right.
17. A ‘jiffy’ is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
18. February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
19. In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
20. If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
21. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
22. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our noses and ears never stop growing.
23. The sentence: ‘The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog’ uses every letter of the alphabet. The words ‘racecar’, ‘kayak’, and ‘level’ are palindromes. They read the same whether you read them left to right or right to left.
24. There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: ‘abstemious’ and ‘facetious.’

Short Funny Jokes – School Excuse Notes

• Sally won’t be in school for a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
• My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
• Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
• Dear School: Please excuse John for being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
• Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
• Please excuse Pedro for being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs.
• Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bus.
• Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
• Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

Short Funny Jokes – Schoolboy Howlers

Here are Will and Guy’s favorite schoolboy howlers.  These are funny answers to exam questions, which were culled by teachers reading through 1,000s of answers.  Here are their moments of fun amid tedious schoolboy writing.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ids of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: ‘Tee hee, Brutus’

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of The Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot.

The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

In midevil times most people were illiterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses then went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

Short Jokes – Milkman’s notes

Sadly the milkman like the coalman and travelling butcher is dying out, so Will and Guy are pleased to have preserved these notes left for milkmen.

1. No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
2. Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbor told me.
3. Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
4. Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today?
5. From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don’t want any milk.
6. Please don’t leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
7. My back door is open. Please put milk in ‘the fridge, get money out of a cup in the drawer and leave change on the kitchen table in Pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.
8. Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.
9. Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops of the milk.
10. Sorry about yesterday’s note. I didn’t mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way around.

Smart Blonde Jokes

Smart Blonde Joke

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will have to have some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Porsche 911 Cabriolet.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $120,000 Porche as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $14.27.

The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The blonde replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $14.27 and expect it to be there when I return?”

The Blonde and The Mattress

A blonde woman driver ran over a mattress on I26 near Charleston. She decided not to worry and just kept on driving 80 miles to Lexington.

What happened was the mattress entwined around the driveshaft as it caught on the underside of her truck.

In fact, the only thing that stopped her was that she ran out of petrol. The springs from the mattress had torn a hole in her tank.

Air-Head Quotes

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”  – Mariah Carey

————————————————-

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,” – Brooke Shields.

During an interview to become a spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

This and That One Liners

Did you know?

• The first couples to be shown in bed together on prime-time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
• Coca-Cola was originally green.
• Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
• The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
• Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
• City with the most Rolls Royce’s per capita: Hong Kong
• State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
• Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
• Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
• Barbie’s measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
• Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400 [£3,500]
• The average number of people airborne over the US at any given hour: is 61,000.
• Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
• The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
• The youngest pope was 11 years old.
• The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
• The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Did you know that…

• Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades – King David
Clubs – Alexander the Great,
Hearts-Charlemagne, and
Diamonds – Julius Caesar.

• If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
• 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
• Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest were signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.
• ‘I am’. Is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
• The phrase ‘rule of thumb’ is derived from an old English law that stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
• The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the ‘General Purpose’ vehicle, G.P.
• The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

Did you know this…

• In just one year, each and every American on average consumes enough wood and paper to construct a tree 100 feet tall and 16 inches in diameter.
• Over three million Americans stutter.  Stuttering is gender-related and affects three to four times as many males as females.
• The tomato is the world’s most popular fruit.
• The largest flower in the world is  Rafflesia Arnoldi. Surprisingly, it is a parasitic plant that grows only in Sumatra, Indonesia. The genus Rafflesia was named after Sir Thomas Stamford Raffles, the great explorer.
• The maximum speed at which raindrops can fall is around 18mph.  The precise speed depends on their size.
• Because of thermal expansion, the Eiffel Tower is 15cm taller in summer than in winter.
• A bolt of lightning contains enough energy to toast 160,000 pieces of bread. Unfortunately, the bolt only takes 1/10,000 of a second – so turning the bread over might prove difficult! Its petals can reach a foot and a half long, if you were to touch one the leaves are 1 inch thick. 
• In 1313, King Edward II stated ‘You are forbidden from dying in parliament.’
• In Melbourne, Australia it is illegal for men to parade in strapless dresses, however, they are allowed to cross-dress in anything with sleeves.
• Worldwide, 20,000 brands of beer are brewed in 180 styles, from ales, lagers, pilsners, and stouts to bitters, cream ales, and iced beers.
• The human head contains 22 bones.
• King George V changed the name of the British royal family from the German-sounding Saxe-Coburg-Gotha to
  Windsor in 1917.  As the great war was at its height King George V wanted to distance himself from his cousin Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany.
• Ravens are kept in the Tower of London because, according to myth, the British throne will come to a fall if the ravens leave the tower. The wings of the ravens are clipped to prevent them from flying away.