Cat Jokes - Funny Jokes

The cat could very well be man’s best friend, but would never stoop to admitting it.

Two Funny Cat Jokes

Two female cats are sitting on the fence passing the time of day when a handsome tomcat walks by and winks at them.’Oh darling, did you see that one?’ one of the felines opines. ‘I wouldn’t mind sharing a dead mouse with him.’ ‘Oh, forget about him,’ her friend tells her. ‘I went out with him once, and all he did was talk about his operation.’
A tomcat was heard running up and down the alley for hours. A neighbor called his owner and asked what was happening. The owner said, ‘Well, I had him fixed today, and he’s canceling all his engagements.’

Ten Funny Cat One-liners

The next bunch of our cat jokes is one-liners:

What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat? A peeping tom.
Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
What is a cat’s way of keeping law and order? Claw Enforcement.
What is the name of the unauthorized autobiography of the cat? Hiss and Tell.
What is a moggy’s favorite color? Purrrrrrrple!
Did you hear about the cat that swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.
What does a kitty like to eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.
How many cats can you put into an empty box? Only one. After that, the box isn’t empty.
What do you use to comb a cat? A catacomb.
Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide? Because he’s always spotted.

More Cat Humour

Here are our amusing cat jokes tales, and cartoons, where moggies come out on top.

Cats and Chess

Martha is walking in St James Park when she sees her friend Roger playing chess with his cat.

Martha says to Roger, ‘I can’t believe what I’m seeing, a cat that plays chess, what a clever animal.’

Quick as a flash Roger replies, ‘No Martha, this cat’s not clever at all – I’m beating it 6 games to 2.’

Further Cat Jokes

What do cats like to eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.
What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck? A duck-filled fatty puss.
What does a cat like to eat on a hot day? A mice cream cone.

Greed

In front of the local butcher’s, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery. It was, in fact, a collector’s item.

He strolled into the store and offered two pounds for the cat. ‘He’s not for sale’, said the butcher.

‘Look’, said the collector’, that cat is dirty and scabby, but I’m eccentric. I prefer cats that way. I’ll raise my offer to ten pounds. ‘It’s a deal’, said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten immediately.

‘For that amount of money I’m sure you won’t mind throwing in the saucer’, said the connoisseur’, ‘The kitten seems so happy drinking from it.’

‘I can’t do that’, said the butcher firmly, ‘That’s my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week, I’ve sold 18 cats.’

Funny Cat Tale

How To Give a Cat a Pill

Giving a pill to a cat is indeed an ideal scenario for various cat jokes. Let’s take a look at some of them:

Pick the cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position the right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to the cheeks while holding the pill in the right hand. As the cat opens its mouth pop the pill into its mouth. Allow the cat to close its mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve the cat from the bedroom, and throw the soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold your mouth shut for a count of ten.
As any fan of cat jokes knows, it’s all fun and games until the spouse gets involved. So, retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from the garden.
Kneel on the floor with the cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore the low growls emitted by the feline. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop the pill down the ruler and rub the cat’s throat vigorously.
Retrieve the cat from the curtain rail, and get another pill from the foil wrap. Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair the curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from the hearth and set them to one side for gluing later.
Wrap the cat in a large towel and get the spouse to lie on the cat with the head just visible from below the armpit. Put the pill at the end of the drinking straw, force the mouth open with a pencil, and blow down the drinking straw.
Check the label to make sure the pill is not harmful to humans, and drink a glass of water to taste away. Apply a band-aid to the spouse’s forearm and remove blood from the carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick the pill down the throat with an elastic band.
Fetch the screwdriver from the garage and put the cupboard door back on its hinges. Apply a cold compress to the cheek and check records for the date of the last tetanus jab. Throw the T-shirt away and fetch a new one from the bedroom.
Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take the last pill from the foil wrap.
Tie the cat’s front paws to the rear paws with garden twine and bind them tightly to the leg of the dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from the shed. Push the pill into the mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. This is a classic in the series of cat jokes, where curiosity didn’t kill the cat but it led to an adventure
Get your spouse to drive you to the emergency room, and sit quietly while the doctor stitches your fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from your right eye. Call the furniture shop on the way home to order a new table.
Arrange for RSPCA to collect cats and ring local pet shops to see if they have any hamsters.

Let’s be honest: all these cat jokes illustrate that having a cat sometimes can lead to a real-life frustration.

Amusing Kitty Pictures Cat Feed?

“Caught in the act” is a phrase that could headline countless cat jokes. And the picture says it all:

Will says: Caught in the act!

Guy says: Why is the mincer red?

Will and Guy’s Top Ten Funny Cat Quotations

Now, let’s take a look at some quotations that are integral part of the world’s most beloved cat jokes:

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. – Anon
There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats. – Anon
Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God. – Anon
As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat. – Ellen Perry Berkeley
People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life. – Faith Resnick
In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats. – an English proverb
I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. – Hippolyte Taine
Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.” – Joseph Wood Krutch
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. – Jeff Valdez
There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats. – Albert Schweitzer

Possibly our favorite cat funny: Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later. – Mary Bly

Cats Sleep Anywhere

Cats sleep anywhere, any table, any chair. It’s the truth that any cat jokes lover knows. Top of piano, window-ledge, in the middle, on the edge. Open draw, empty shoe, anybody’s lap will do.

Fitted in a cardboard box, in the cupboard with your frocks. Anywhere! They don’t care! Cats sleep anywhere:

Eleanor Farjeon [1881 – 1965]

Cat Prayer

The next section of our cat jokes is dedicated to felines who have mastered the art of ruling the household

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
And sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back,
For windowsills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.
I pray I’ll always stay really cool
And keep the secret feline rule
Never tell a human that
The world is really ruled by cats!

Author Unknown

Bagpuss Cat TV Cartoon Professor Yaffle

Every successful TV cartoon program must have a likable character such as Bagpuss the Cat. That’s why we decided to make this character a part of our cat jokes.

The Bagpuss Concept

One secret of Bagpuss’s success is the gentle way that he orchestrates the other characters. At the start of the program you can literally see Bagpuss think – thought bubbles come out of his head.

Emily brings or finds intriguing objects such as a ship-in-a-bottle. Then she invokes Bagpuss by singing: ‘Wake up and look at this thing that I bring’

The program continues with the other characters coming to life. Professor Yaffle may give a scientific explanation; whereas Madeleine would give some unlikely, but more interesting story involving mermaids. Incidentally, they say that Bagpuss’s strange color was the result of trying to tie-dye a soft toy, but somehow a magenta powder was substituted for the marmalade color. It turned out to be an inspired touch. Whatever the case, now it’s true that cat jokes are unimaginable without this character.

Bagpuss Characters

Bagpuss the Cat
Emily
Professor Yaffle
Madeleine Remnant
Gabriel Croaker
The Mice: Charliemouse, Janiemouse, Jenniemouse, Lizziemouse, and Williemouse (Millymouse and Tillymouse)

Bagpuss the Cat

While it’s his show Bagpuss has a laid-back role. He listens considerately to the mice as they sing their songs, which is a characteristic often attributed to felines in cat jokes. And Bagpuss watches benevolently as the mice play tricks on Prof Yaffle.

Emily (Was actually the creator’s daughter)

The Bagpuss program always started in the same way. Emily, the shop’s owner found a broken object and then put it in the shop window. Then she would say this ditty:

Bagpuss, dear Bagpuss Old Fat Furry Catpuss Wake up and look at this thing that I bring, Wake up, be bright, be golden and light Bagpuss, oh hear what I sing.

Emily’s relationship with Bagpuss brings warmth and charm, similar to the affectionate punchlines of our favorite cat jokes.

Madeleine

Madeleine Remnant is cleverly named as she is a rag doll made of off-cuts. Mostly, she sits in a chair. Her greatest love is to tell stories to the mice of unlikely explanations of Emily’s objects. Also, watch out for Madeleine singing with Gabriel the toad. Not surprisingly, she’s another integral character of famous cat jokes.

Yaffle (Professor)

Professor Yaffle is occasionally addressed as “Augustus Barclay Yaffle”. As his title indicates, he provides the intellect and is often featured in smart cat jokes. While Prof Yaffle is knowledgeable, the mice like nothing better than to play tricks on this distinguished old woodpecker.

Gabriel

Gabriel Croaker is a toad who is a virtuoso on the banjo, for example, in episode 2 he sings ‘The Bony King of Nowhere’. Gabriel lives on top of the round tin which you see on the shelf. His encounters with other characters are an exciting part of cat jokes.

The Mice

The mice are a source of amusement in any cat joke. The mice provide the hustle and bustle of the TV cartoon. They are always scheming against Prof Yaffle. For instance, pretending that the ‘Mouse Mill’ makes chocolate biscuits in episode 8.

Children love it when the mice sing, often with Gabriel the toad, for example in episode 12 ‘Flying’ they sing about the woman who brushes the cobwebs out of the sky. Then there is the Marvellous Mechanical Mouse Organ, which not only plays music but also shows pictures on a screen.

Bagbuss features six mice: Charliemouse, is the leader of the mice clan. Catchphrase: ‘We will fix it’.

Eddiemouse is the one in the blue suit with a green jacket.

Janiemouse mainly wears pink.

Jenniemouse is usually in a blue dress.

Lizziemouse favors flowery dresses often with a blue waistcoat.

Williemouse wears a flowery shirt and red trousers.

If you read the Bagpuss books or cat jokes that feature Bagpuss, you may also encounter Millymouse and Tillymouse.

The History of Bagpuss the Cat

Peter Firman and Oliver Postgate created the Bagpuss series for BBC Television. Amazingly, such is the popularity that the series has been repeated at least 25 times since its first run in 1974. One secret of achieving immortality is to die young and on this score, Bagpuss terminated after just these 13 episodes. As you just read these titles, I am sure that your mind can invent a story for each one – that is the essence of Bagpuss, and why it appeals to successive generations of children, alongside common cat jokes.

The Ship in a Bottle
The Owls of Athens
The Frog Princess
The Ballet Shoe
The Hamish
The Wise Man
The Elephant
The Mouse Mill
The Giant
Old Man’s Beard
The Fiddle
Flying
Uncle Feedle

Bagpuss Award

Much to our surprise, in 1999 Bagpuss was named the favorite BBC children’s programme of all time. We thought the survey would favor more recent TV cartoons such as the Teletubbies.

Mice and Cat Jokes and Pictures

It’s not surprising that most cat jokes feature mice. Let’s take a look at some of them:

Cat and Mice in Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, ‘You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.’

The cat thought for a minute and then said, ‘All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.’

God said, ‘Say no more.’ Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, ‘Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.’

God answered, ‘It is done.’ All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, ‘Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?’

The cat replied, ‘Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little meals on wheels you have been sending over are delicious!’

As you can see, this tale reflects the essence of cat jokes.

A Very British Cat

The story of Larry brings to mind the real-life humor found in cat jokes.

‘A Good Ratter’ PM’s spokesperson tells Will and Guy

The four-year-old tabby, called Larry, was at London’s Battersea Dogs and Cats Home before moving into the UK Prime Minister’s home.

The arrival follows weeks of speculation about potential pest control measures after a large black rat was seen scuttling past No 10.

A Downing Street spokesman informed us that the former stray was a ‘good ratter’. Former Downing Street Cats Include :

1920s – Rufus of England
1930s and 1940s – Munich Mouser
1970s – Wilberforce
1989 to 1997 – Humphrey
2007 – Sybil
2011 – Larry

Cat Get’s Its Mouse

The picture below is a part of cat jokes without the need of any word on it.

Cat Uses One of Nine Lives

Emmy, the cat, is also popular character of cat jokes. She was forced to lick condensation off windows to survive after being accidentally locked in a garden shed for more than two months. The cat’s owner thought she had died after spending weeks looking for her in the UK town of Torquay, in Devon, UK.

The 10-year-old feline instead spent nine weeks licking the moist windows of the garden shed that she had hidden in before her owner finally found her.

Manager of the Blue Cross animal center in nearby Watcombe, M/S Laura Valentine, told reporters that Emmy was lucky to have survived her ordeal. ‘The RSPCA say she survived by licking condensation off the windows in the shed,’ Ms Valentine was quoted as saying. ‘It is remarkable – she must have been in torment in there… her owner really had no idea where she was.

They didn’t think she would survive because she was so skeletal but she’s fine now. Emmy is still traumatized and has a fear of tight spaces and of being left alone,’ she continued, ‘She has recovered physically but mentally she is still a bit fragile. She also seems to have lost the ability or the will to jump and won’t even hop on or off things.’

You may not hear this in popular cat jokes but luckily, Emmy has been placed up for adoption by Blue Cross.

Bug-eyed Cat?

Yes, bug-eyed cat adds another layer to our cat jokes.

Cat Jokes & Stories | Ode to Tyrone

For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat. As we have set the stage for further cat jokes, let’s continue:

Ode to Tyrone By Charlene Wexler

Tyrone, you are the greatest contortionist I’ve ever met. No wonder that you inspire various vat jokes.

I can watch you change positions in your feline sleep for hours. Your slim, trim, muscular body stretched across the bouncy pink sofa pulls in like a tight ball one minute, only to slowly unfold legs across your soft tummy the next. This produces the most unusual positions.

Just a quiet “swoosh” of a whisper from my lips will make your ears perk up at attention, resulting in your incredible hearing waking up all your senses.

Those large, bright, glowing green eyes can easily mesmerize anyone who dares to stare into them. The slightest movement across your field of vision will cause a speedy swat from your sharp, needle-like claws.

You are a cunning hunter, almost always capturing your prey — sometimes for food, but mostly for play now that you’ve been spoiled by fancy cat food and tuna.

Heaven help any other cat who invades your territory. I watch you speed out the back door in the early morning, sniffing around to make sure only the resident squirrels, birds, raccoons, and deer have been around.

So much of your day is spent using your specialized tongue to keep your soft, lustrous coat clean and shiny. One mention of you is enough to remember my favorite cat jokes.

There is a gentle, loving part to you also. A gentle rubbing of your head and ears will calm you down and produce a low, constant purring sound. Then you will become my loving companion.

But true to your cat nature, it will always be you, not I, who will decide when it is time to move on.

Tyrone Is No More By Charlene Wexler

The story of Tyrone makes me think of the bittersweet humor found in cat jokes.

My eyes disbelieved when I looked at the time The clock on the dresser registered half past nine
Someone has told it Tyrone is no more.

No claws scratching, no high-pitch meowing The house is silent this dreary morning
Someone has told it Tyrone is no more.

Pecking at seeds I’ve dropped on the patio floor
The little birds are swaggering up to my door
Someone has told them Tyrone is no more.

The squirrels are swinging here and there without a care
The orange cat is frolicking in the snow, no reason for him to go
Someone has told them Tyrone is no more.

No water bowl to change, no litter box to clean
My kitchen today is very pristine
Someone has told it Tyrone is no more.

I sat on the sofa with no fear
That my clothing would be covered with fur from there to here
Someone has told it Tyrone is no more.

I opened the door as wide as can be, for today no cat would sneak out on me
So the chipmunks and mice were dancing with glee
Someone has told them Tyrone is no more.

I reached out my hand to caress my cat
It stayed there outreached with no one to pat
My eyes filled with tears, and my heart tore
Because Tyrone is no more.

Footnotes: Charlene Wexler’s book ‘Milk and Oranges’ is published by Amazon it’s only $4.59.

We appreciate being able to publish this story from an author who knows how to craft words in cat jokes and stories.

Cat Nap!

Not only cat jokes but napping cats can also make us smile. They start by simply sleeping on their back or on their side.

Cats Nap on Radiators

Yes, there are numerous cat jokes dedicated to this fact.

Delightful Story of A Cat Swimming

As if to confirm Will and Guy’s assertion that some cats enjoy the water we have discovered that further cat jokes include a cat in China that has overcome its fear of water to become the newest and most well-known member of its local winter swimming club.

The black cat has no name but has become a celebrity among the 200 members of the ‘Changjiang River Winter Swimming Club’ in Chongqing. We have learned that it swims at least fifty meters every day in the cold, wide, and, judging from the photo, rather murky river.

Club member, Sang Changjiang, commented that the cat had been swimming now with the club for four months, even though it’s only six months old. Its talent for swimming was discovered one afternoon when a club member accidentally knocked the cat into the river when diving into the water from a boat.

‘We knew the cat was terrified of water and thought it might drown in the swirling river, but it swam furiously to get close to the boat and was rescued,’ commented Sang.

From then on, club members always took the cat swimming with them, and after only ten days it could swim by itself without assistance.

‘Each afternoon around 4 o’clock, we would take it to swim and it has become part of its daily life,’ added Sang. After its daily dip, the wet cat licks itself dry then falls asleep on a sofa on the boat, owned by a club member, which is its home.

True Cat Story From Wales

The Sun newspaper reports cat jokes of a cat named Aslan who fell asleep under a car bonnet in the East Anglian town of Ipswich in the UK. The car’s owner and driver, Mr Rob Hillier, then drove the car some 260 miles to visit his relatives in Maesteg, Mid Glamorgan, Wales.

The next day Aslan’s cries [surely ‘miaows’ says Will] were heard and he was found unhurt and returned home. I imagine he traveled more comfortably this time. This story has become one of the most popular cat jokes.

Four Cats Story

Let’s continue our next part of cat jokes with four cats story.

The Four Cats!

T-Square, Spreadsheet, Measure and Coffee Break

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second an Accountant, the third a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, ‘T-square, do your stuff.’

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, ‘Spreadsheet, do your stuff.’

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said

‘Measure, do your stuff.’ Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly 8oz. without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, ‘What can your cat do?’

The Government Employee called his cat Coffee Break and said ‘Do your stuff.’

Coffee Break jumped to his feet…

He drank the milk ate the cookies, and then beat up the other three cats. Later he claimed he injured his back while doing so, so he filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

Up to now, this story remains one of the greatest cat jokes of all time.

Postscript

No tyranny is so irksome as petty tyranny: the officious demands of policemen, government clerks, and electromechanical gadgets. Mentioning him reminds us of some great cat jokes.
Edward Abbey

On Coffee Break?

Below is a humorous part of our favorite cat jokes:

Return of the Four Cat Jokes

Here is a sequel to the ‘Four Cats’, the twist is that you provide most of the narrative. Imagine what is happening, and what the cats will do next. We named the four cats, Smokey, Tabby, Ginger, and Sinbad as a part of our cat jokes series.

In our version of the cat jokes above, the four cats spent so much time quarreling that the pigeons were alerted and flew away. However, that was not the end of the story, ‘Tabby’ went hunting on his own.

Tabby tries a new tactic

A character of our cat jokes Tobby, tries a new tactic here:

Another chapter in the cat jokes – Smokey goes undercover

Cat jokes continue at sea

Funny Cat Jokes on Pictures

Cat Walks Through the Valley of Death

A marvelous picture, you can even see the moggie’s shadow in the pool of water, hence this is not a fake — it’s a real picture representing cat jokes.

Who Let the Cat Out of the Bag?

We love featuring the picture below among our favorite cat jokes:

Cat Nap?

What a lovely image of innocence that represents the essence of cat jokes.

Cat Adopts Bird

This is one of the cat jokes that shows us their unpredictable nature.

A cat has adopted a bird that hurt itself when it fell out of its nest in Brazil and cannot fly.

The cat, called Chiquita, has reportedly raised the bird as if it were its mother in Porto Alegre, Brazil. They eat from the same plate and the cat even uses the bird to catch other birds to eat.

Chiquita’s owner, Nair de Souza, has named the bird Pitico, reports Zero Hora.

Mrs Souza said: ‘Pitico has even started to eat meat because the two of them only eat together.

‘But Chiquita uses Pitico to help her catch other birds, it is unbelievable!’

Funny Cat Pictures – Cat Gets the Cream #1

Sometimes a black-and-white photo says more than detailed cat jokes.

By the way, did you know that a cat has 32 muscles in each ear?

Cat Gets the Cream #2

There is some debate as to whether this is another cat getting the cream, or whether the animal is a Raccoon. Vets say that you should not give Raccoons cows milk, so we don’t know what to make of this peculiar photo. Either case, this photo should have been included among our cat jokes.

Greed

He strolled into the store and offered two pounds for the cat. ‘He’s not for sale’, said the butcher.

‘Look’, said the collector’, that moggy is dirty and scabby, but I’m eccentric. I prefer cats that way. I’ll raise my offer to ten pounds. ‘It’s a deal’, said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten immediately.

‘For that amount of money I’m sure you won’t mind throwing in the saucer’, said the connoisseur’, ‘The kitten seems so happy drinking from it.’

‘I can’t do that’, said the butcher firmly, ‘That’s my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week, I’ve sold 18 cats.’

Tomcat, Bear, or Godzilla?

Picture kindly sent in by Jon Puckley to be included among our cat jokes.

A Cat’s Diary

Day 84 of my captivity.

My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Maybe I should try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. I must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little kitty cat I was. This is not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing something called ‘allergies’.
Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is a half-wit.

The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks with them regularly, and I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait.

It’s only a matter of time.

More Very Funny Cat Jokes on Pictures

Catfish? No, Cat Fish!

Every cat picture tells a story.

Let us hope that only lovers of funny cat pictures browse these pages and there are no goldfish aficionados around.

Drole Picture of a Guilty Cat

Cat’s motto, “No matter what you”ve done wrong, always try to make it look as if the dog did it.”

Cat Stuck in Jar

A feral cat in Bartlett, Tennessee, USA, survived for 19 days with a jar stuck on its head. Tabitha Cain, 25, has fed the cat, which she has named Wild Oats, for several years. The family saw the cat several times with the peanut butter jar on its head and tried in vain to catch it. The Cain family feared the worst after not seeing the cat for a week.

They found the once-chubby, cat later, too thin and weak to flee. They caught her with a fishing net and used some oil to get the jar off her head. They gave her water and treated her wounds and on Friday she began to eat again.

‘I’ve heard of cats having nine lives but I think this one has 19 because she survived 19 days,’ commented Tabitha’s mother. Memphis vet, Gerald Blackburn, added that the cat may have lived off of its excess fat.

Homing Cat

Michael hated his wife, Patricia’s cat. So he decided to get rid of the feline for good. Michael put it in the car and drove 2 miles away and dropped it off. Just as he pulled into the driveway, he noticed the cat was sitting at the entrance to the porch.

The next day he decided he would take the cat 5 miles away and drop it off. But again, the cat found its way home. Each day Michael kept going further and further away, but the cat would always find its way home.

Michael was so furious that he decided to take the cat even further away, he turned right, then left, circled around, then right again, another right, backtracked a couple of times, then left again. He then dropped the cat off.

Several hours later, he ‘phoned Patricia, ‘Darling, is the cat there?’. ‘Yes,’ she answered. ‘Why?’.

Michael replied bitterly, ‘Put that flippin’ animal on the ‘phone. I’m lost and need directions.’

True Story About a Welsh Cat

The Sun newspaper reports the story of a cat named Aslan who fell asleep under a car bonnet in the East Anglian town of Ipswich in the UK. The car’s owner and driver, Mr. Rob Hillier, then drove the car some 260 miles to visit his relatives in Maesteg, Mid Glamorgan, Wales. The next day Aslan’s cries [surely ‘miaows’ says Will] were heard and he was found unhurt and returned home. I imagine he traveled more comfortably this time.

More Free, Funny Cat Pictures

Close Shave

Close shave, or shadow boxing?

Washer One – Comical Cat Images

When I was his age, I felt like this about bathing

Washer Two

Washer, the tomcat, was heard running up and down the alley for hours. Ian, his neighbor phoned Alan [the cat’s owner] and asked what was happening. Alan replied, “Well, I had Washer neutered today, and he’s canceling all his engagements.”

Washer Three – Another very funny cat picture

Washer Four – I just got caught in the rain

The Football Star ‘Cat’

Cam, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A woman is standing three floors up on the ledge, holding her pet cat in her arms.

‘Hey, lady, ‘yells Cam, ‘Throw me the cat.’

‘No, ‘she cries, ‘It’s too far.’

‘I play football, I can catch him.’

The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Cam kisses her cat goodbye, and then tosses the moggy down onto the street.

Cam keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and Cam runs into the street and catches the cat. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one-handed catch.

The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire, breaks into cheers. Cam does a little dance, lifts the feline above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, and then Cam ‘spikes’ the cat into the pavement.

The Infinite Cat Project

How many images of cats can you see? Six, seven, or more?

Funny Cat Jokes and Sayings

Will and Guy’s cat jokes that we researched are from comedians, literature, and films.

I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.

Our Top Ten Fascinating, Funny Cat Jokes

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.
Never feed your cat anything that doesn’t match the carpet.
You know when people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat?” Just once I want to say, “No, it’s for company!”
“Humans: No fur, no paws, no tail. They run away from mice. They never get enough sleep. How can you help but love such an absurd animal?” Anonymous cat about humans
Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet will be.
For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat.
Cats are like potato chips. You can never have just one.
Some people who have cats go on to lead normal lives.
Cat’s motto, “No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look as if the dog did it.”

Five Favourite and Fun Cat Quotations

A cat has absolute emotional honesty. Ernest Hemingway
The smallest feline is a masterpiece. Leonardo Da Vinci
Cats invented self-esteem. Erma Bombeck
I bathed my cat the other day… they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that …. Steve Martin
Way down deep, we’re all motivated by the same urges. Cats dare to live by them. Jim Davis (Garfield creator)

Cat or Dog?

Whose Side Are You On?

If you’re much like a cat, there’s something to learn from the dogs: loyalty, courage, and an unconditionally loving and positive attitude, for example.

If you’re much like a dog, there’s something to learn from the cats: independence, dignity, mutual respect, and being yourself, for instance.

If you aren’t at all like a cat and not at all like a dog, then we think there may well be something you can learn from both.

Funny Cat Sayings (And a Few Dogs!)

I am as vigilant as a cat to steal cream. William Shakespeare, Henry IV
“All right”, said the Cat, and this time it vanished quite slowly, beginning with the end of the tail, and ending with the grin, which remained some time after the rest of it had gone. Lewis
Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland
So much time, so little to do… Garfield The Movie (2004)
‘I hate Mondays.’ Garfield The Movie (2004)
Love me, feed me, never leave me. Garfield The Movie (2004)
Cats’ hearing apparatus is built to allow the human voice to easily go in one ear and out the other. Stephen Baker
The mathematical probability of a common cat doing exactly as it pleases is the one scientific absolute in the world. Lynn M. Osband
Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop, the other’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge? Jerry Seinfeld
The noblest of all dogs is the hot dog; it feeds the hand that bites it. Laurence J. Peter. (I like this one says Will).

Cat Says No No No

Cat Boxes

Thought Provoking Cat Quotes by Carl Van Vechten

A cat is never vulgar.
An ordinary kitten will ask more questions than any five-year-old.
As an inspiration to the author, I do not think the cat can be over-estimated. He suggests so much grace, power, beauty, motion, and mysticism.
I do not wonder that many writers love cats; I am only surprised that all do not.
The cat, it is well to remember, remains the friend of man because it pleases him to do so and not because he must.
There is, indeed, no single quality of the cat that man could not emulate to his advantage.

Extracts from Carl Van Vechten’s 1922 book: “Tiger in the House”.

Top 10 Cat Names

If you enjoyed reading our cat jokes, chances are that you’ll also love exploring cat names.

The Naming of Cats is a difficult matter. T.S. Elliot, “The Naming of Cats” Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats.

Kitty
Smokey
Shadow
Tiger (Tigger)
Boo (Boo Boo)
Molly
Spike
Princess
Patches
Sam (Samantha)

Another Batch of Popular Cat Names

Whiskers
Fluffy
Katie
Blackie
Coco
Bandit
Lady
Misty
Morris
Casey

The Naming of Cats

The Naming of Cats is a difficult matter, It isn’t just one of your holiday games;
You may think at first I’m as mad as a hatter When I tell you, a cat must have three different names First of all, there’s the name that the family will use daily, Such as Peter, Augustus, Alonzo or James, Such as Victor or Jonathan, or George or Bill Bailey – All of them sensible everyday names.

There are fancier names if you think they sound sweeter, Some for the gentlemen, some for the dames: Such as Plato, Admetus, Electra, Demeter –
But all of them are sensible everyday names.

But I tell you, a cat needs a particular name, A name that’s peculiar, and more dignified,
Else how can he keep up his tail perpendicular, spread out his whiskers, or cherish his pride?
Of names of this kind, I can give you a quorum, Such as Munkustrap, Quaxo, or Coricopat,
Such as Bombalurina, or else Jellylorum – Names that never belong to more than one cat.
But above and beyond there’s still one name left over, And that is the name that you never will guess; The name that no human research can discover – But the cat himself knows, and will never confess.

When you notice a cat in profound meditation, The reason, I tell you, is always the same:
His mind is engaged in a rapt contemplation Of the thought, of the thought, of the thought of his name: His ineffable effable Effanineffable Deep and inscrutable singular Name.

By T S Elliot

Footnote: Please write to Will and Guy if you have any funny cat sayings. For example, Simon Mazik sent this:

A Cat in an Empty Apartment by Wislawa Szymborska

Die? One does not do that to a cat.
Because what’s a cat to do in an empty apartment?
Climb the walls.
Caress against the furniture.
It seems that nothing has changed here, but yet things are different.
Nothing appears to have been relocated, yet everything has been shuffled about.
The lamp no longer burns in the evenings.

Footsteps can be heard on the stairway, but they’re not the ones.
The hand which puts the fish on the platter is not the same one which
used to do it.

Something here does not begin at its usual time.
Something does not happen quite as it should.
Here someone was and was, then suddenly disappeared and now is stubbornly absent.

All the closets were peered into. The shelves were walked through.
The rug was lifted and examined. Even the rule about not scattering papers was violated.

What more is to be done? Sleep and wait.

Let him return, at least make a token appearance. Then he’ll learn that one shouldn’t treat a cat like this. He will be approached as though unwillingly, slowly, on very offended paws.
With no spontaneous leaps or squeals at first.

Translated by Walter Whipple.

More Funny Cat Jokes, Stories, Pictures, and Short Videos

Here is Will and Guy’s collection of short tales that are as funny as cat jokes we’ve discussed above. They feature moggies, felines, and kittens.

Amusing Cat Flush Story

Funny Cat Flush – Story Behind The Story

The truth is that a cat in Santa Clara California really did discover how to flush the toilet. We know that the name of this cat is Gizmo and he belongs to Nick and Scarlet.

Gismo was mesmerized by the toilet flushing and somehow discovered for himself how to operate the lever.

Scarlet discovered Gismo’s habit by accident. One afternoon Scarlet was as far as she knew, alone in the house. Then the toilet flushed, seemingly of its own accord. When Scarlet discreetly investigated she discovered that it was Gismo who was discharging the cistern. Knowing that few would believe him, he taped a segment of the ‘problem’ for posterity.

Cats and Dogs Getting Along Together

In the cat jokes, you’ll rarely notice cats and dogs getting along together. That’s why following cat jokes and stories are fascinating:

Mutt Adopts Moggies

A female dog is nursing a litter of kittens that were orphaned when their mother died.

Their owner, Cai, of Jiangmen, China said he has been raising cats and dogs together for more than 10 years, and they all got along together well, however, this was the first time he had ever seen kittens being nursed by a dog Will and Guy have learned.

The four kittens seemed happy and content with their new mother’s milk, while the dog was tending to its adopted family with love and care. ‘Several days ago, the kittens’ mother died after eating a poisoned rat, leaving behind a litter of kittens without a source of milk,’ Cai volunteered. ‘The kittens’ cries may have stirred the dog’s maternal nature since it too had
recently given birth. It volunteered to take over and feed the kittens of its old friend.’

The dog’s puppies had been taken away by one of its grown-up offspring. Cai mused, ‘That’s perhaps another reason why the dog adopted the kittens. She lost all of her own children.’

‘Hi, My Name Is Brandy’

Cats Swimming – Just Being Cats

It is not strictly true to say that all cats dislike water, or more accurately, swimming or bathing in water.

Many of the big cats, for example, tigers, lions, jaguars, ocelots, and jaguarondi [weasel cats] who
frequent hot climates are particularly partial to a dip in a pond, stream, or river. Cats are natural swimmers in the wild, and Asian varieties have been known to fish in rivers and lakes. Cats bred near Lake Van in Turkey are raised around the water; the breed [The Turkish Van] has an affinity for water and likes to swim. An old breed, this cat has been a household pet for centuries. Its water prowess is well known in Turkey, where they been known to swim into the harbour to greet the arriving fishing boats.

However, cats from colder regions avoid water as much as possible. Snow leopards, lynx, bobcats, and cougars for example have little interest in getting wet. It has been said that if a cat has wet fur it can damage the ability of the cat’s fur to insulate the animal against the cold.

Most domestic cats, however, dislike getting wet. They do not enjoy water sports and if bathed, become upset. The emphasis here is on most cats because some domestic animals will tolerate water if they are accustomed to bathing or showering.

Cat’s Beware!

Violet’s Revenge – A Cat Story by Charlene Wexler

I began planning my next move, as this one wasn’t working–even though I stood with my shiny black fur on end across my arched back, my tail held straight up, and my mouth open to show my long, sharp eye teeth.

The large, short-haired brown dog was not leaving. He still was barking, jumping, and stretching his front paws across the bathroom sink in an effort to attack me. He panted constantly, exposing a mouth full of his own sharp teeth, and a black tongue that hung out.

‘I could reach out and claw his nose’, I thought, ‘but I might miss and he could grab my paw, or I could hurt him a lot, and my human family would be angry. I think I will try using my most fierce hiss, instead.’

I narrowed my eyes and closed my mouth slightly to produce an angry “hisssssss!”

It didn’t work. He jumped at me anyway. Good thing I backed off.

‘How did I get myself into this spot?’ I thought. I moved my eyes around my surroundings, checking every which way. I was stuck on the top of the sink with no place to jump–except down into his waiting jaws.

The room was small, but the door to my young human’s bedroom was open. ‘If only I could escape into that room.’ The humongous paws on the dog were getting closer to me with every one of his jumps.

‘That’s it–he gets it on the nose!’ Quickly, I stretched out my right black paw. With claws fully extended, I struck the dog’s snout. Whimpering like a puppy, he jumped down and slowly left the room.

‘Good, he backed off. Now I must get out of here and hide fast before he comes back.’ With lightning speed, I jumped down from the sink and flew through the door into the girl’s bedroom, where there were bunk beds. I quickly surveyed the distance between the floor and the top bunk, so I would know exactly how high to jump.

Extending my body, up I went with no problem. I was a good jumper, never missing my mark. I snuggled up on the top bunk, which was close to the ceiling. I grabbed the small blue cotton blanket, inhaling the fragrant odor of my young human friend, before tossing it around to feel
its soft, fluffy texture next to my body. I rubbed it under my chin in order to leave my scent on it.

I perked up my ears, as my keen hearing detected the dog running back into the adjacent bathroom. I crouched down low and put myself into silent mode, while that trouble-making dog, with his battered nose, sniffed around the sink and the floor.

I mentally grinned, knowing he had no idea where I had gone. And if he should find out, he would have no way to reach me.

Time for a nap!

Footnotes: Charlene Wexler’s book ‘Milk and Oranges’ is published by Amazon it’s only $4.59. It contains the above story ‘Violet’s Revenge’.

Will and Guy appreciate being able to publish this story from an author who knows how to craft words.

Funny Cat Stories for Kids

People say that kids enjoy cat jokes more than we, adults do. Let’s take a loot at these funny cat stories for kids to see if that’s the truth.

The Story Behind Smokey the World’s Loudest Cat

Smokey, a cat from Pitsford, Northampton, is the world’s loudest cat. She purrs at an astounding 92 decibels, nearly four times the volume of your average cat.

Smokey’s owners, Ruth and Mark Adams, are petitioning the Guinness Book of World Records to formally recognize Smokey as the World’s loudest cat. So far, Smokey is unopposed, as the title is not held by any other cat; that is unless another extremely loud cat emerges to challenge Smokey.

A few other sounds that are around 92dB:

A traffic jam
747 coming in for a landing
Train whistle
Tractor

Note that 90-95dB is the threshold beyond which prolonged exposure can cause hearing loss. That is a very loud cat. Smokey is not quite as loud as a motorcycle, but she’s pretty close.

The following short story also proves that kids adore cat jokes.

Short Cat Story

Will and Guy are able to bring you a cat that enjoys a dip in the pool.

A cat in Australia is defying its species’ famous dread of water by taking regular dips in a swimming pool. This one, which has the unusual name of Prinny, is a Persian cat and regularly joins canine friend Bandit, the blue heeler, at the “Doggy Paddle Swim Centre” in Rosebud, Melbourne.

The paddling pooch has regular swimming sessions in order to help treat a bad back. Prinny, however, has no such ailment and takes to the water simply for the fun of it.

Doggy Paddle owner Jacque Olsen told us, ‘I’ve never seen a cat swim before. Bandit came here with a bad back and his owner said the cat swims with him at home, so Prinny hopped in the pool with him the next time he came.’
Jacque originally set up her unique swim center, which boasts an 8m x 2m lap pool, for her Staffy cross ridgeback Ubud, whose back legs became paralyzed after he suffered an embolism. ‘After six months of swimming Ubud was walking again,’ she said.

Today, the Doggy Paddle Swim Centre has 150 dogs on its books and, of course, one cat.

One More Funny Cat Story

And again, cat jokes lovers will love this short story about jury service:

Cat Ordered to Do Jury Service

Tabby Sal, the cat, has been summoned to do jury service, despite the fact that his owners told the court he was ‘unable to speak and understand English.’ Will and Guy have learned.

Anna Esposito, wrote to Suffolk Superior Crown Court in Boston, USA, to explain that a mistake had been made, but a jury commissioner replied saying the cat, named Tabby Sal, ‘must attend.’

Mrs Esposito had included a letter from her vet confirming that the cat was ‘a domestic short-haired neutered feline.’ Tabby Sal had been entered by Mrs Esposito under the “pets” section of the last census. “When they ask him guilty or not guilty? What’s he supposed to say – miaow?” She said.

Research has shown Will and Guy that the US judicial system states that jurors are ‘not expected to speak perfect English.’

We surmise that it would be sufficient for Tabby Sal to answer, ‘Miaow’ to all questions!