Funny Australian Jokes and Aussie Humour
Australian humor reflects the rugged nature of the country, especially the hinterland away from the coast. One of Australia’s strongest comic images of the ‘ocker’, with his cork hat, as epitomized by Bazza McKenzie.
Three Aussie One-liners To Get You In The Right Mood
- What’s the difference between an Australian and a computer? You only have to punch information into a computer once.
- What do you call a field full of Australians? A vacant lot.
- An Australian is someone who thinks that the three major political parties in Australia are Labour, Liberal, and Cocktail.
Shane Dies: A Typically Funny Australian Joke
Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky, and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project in Wagga Wagga. Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, ‘Someone should go and tell his wife.’ Jeff says, ‘OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.’
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters. Ricky says, ‘Where did you get that, Jeff?’ ‘Shane’s wife gave it to me.’
Ricky continues, ‘That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?’
‘Well not exactly,’ Jeff said. ‘When she answered the door, I said to her, “You must be Shane’s widow”.’ She said, ‘No, I’m not a widow.’
And I said, ‘I’ll bet you a case of Fosters you are.’
Meanwhile Ricky…
- Ricky decides to go back home to Melbourne so he calls Qantas Airlines to book his flight. The operator asks him, ‘How many people are flying with you?’ Ricky replies, ‘Strewth mate, how would I know? It’s your plane.’
- Ricky is now getting drunk in the pub and runs out of money. Ricky does not feel like going home and he hassles the publican for another drink.‘ Com’on Robbo, givuzzanaddabeerwillya? I’ll pay you next week…..’ Robbie, the publican points out the window and says to Ricky, ‘See that building across the road?’ ‘Yeah…’ says Ricky, squinting‘Well, that is the Bank of Victoria, and I got a deal with them.’ ‘Deal? Wot deal?’ mutters Ricky.
Robbie, Well, Ricky, they don’t sell beer, and I don’t lend money.’
The Amazing and Funny Australian Love Test
Do you ever wonder who loves you? Your wife? Your dog? You think they love you, but how do you know if they really do? How can you be sure? There is a way to find out and have peace of mind and it only takes one hour.
Simply open the boot of your car, put your dog and your wife in there, close the boot, grab a couple of beers, and watch the footy on the telly for an hour or so. Then go back to the car, and open the boot.
Now, who is happy to see you?
An Aussie Gentleman (Oxymoron?)
“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.” – Keppel Enderber.
Hilarious and Funny Aussie Jokes
Aussie Takes a Dive
Monty Kelly, a rich man who lived near Darwin, Northern Territory, Australia decided that he wanted to throw a party. So he invited his buddies including Darel, the only Aborigine in the neighborhood.
The party was held around the pool in the backyard of Monty’s mansion. Everyone was having a good time dancing, eating prawns, and oysters, and drinking and flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, ‘I have a 16ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.’
The words were barely out of Monty’s mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Darel in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and choke holds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Darel and the Croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally, Darel strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
Darel then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. The Monty says, ‘Well, Darel, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.’ ‘Nah, you all right boss, I don’t want it,’ said Darel.
The rich man said, ‘Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about a new car?’
‘No thanks. I don’t want it,’ answered Darel.
The host said, ‘Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Rolex watch and some stock options? Again, Darel said “No.”
Confused, the rich man asked, ‘Well Darel, then what do you want?
Darel said, ‘I just want the b****** who pushed me in.’
Footnote: Thanks to Ken Green for sending in this funny Aussie story.
Bruce’s Funny Story
Bruce went to the police station and asked to speak to the burglar who had broken into his house the previous night.
‘You’ll get your chance in court,’ the desk Sergeant Kelly told him.
‘I have to know how he got into the house without waking my wife,’ pleaded Bruce. ‘I’ve been trying to do that for years.’
Message From Australia:
A Darwin fellow roaming the Red Centre with a beaut of a Barbie on the ali tray of his fair dinkum ute was looking for some hard yakka because there was no sit-down money for the pokies. But it was a daggy deal as he hit the Bundi instead and ended up chundering in the dunny.
Above Message As Reported By British Dispatches
A person named Darwin with companions the fair-skinned Barbara Dinkumute and Ali Tray were travelling through the center of China looking for some hard egg yokes because of financial constraints and a lack of pigs. But something went wrong after a fight with someone called Bundy in a town called Chanderin-Dunni.
Footnote: This funny tale, complete with translation, was sent by Martin.
Speak Australish
- Floordrobe – Someone who spreads their clothes around the bedroom floor.
- Fitness center – A place where they leave no stern untoned.
- Salad dodger – Fatso.
- Tanorexia – Devoted to getting a suntan.
An American Goes To Oz
Randy, a Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets Glen, an Aussie farmer, and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, ‘Oh yeah. We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.’
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Glen shows off his herd of cattle. Then Randy immediately says, ‘We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.’
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field and so he asks, ‘And what are those?’
‘Glen’, the Aussie replies with an incredulous look, ‘Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas.’
Australian Maps – Fake?
Australian Maps – Real
Funny, Odd, Interesting, Relatively Useless, and Random Australian Trivia
Will and Guy’s Top Ten
- Each and every part of Australia is within a distance of 1000km from the ocean or a beach.
- 30,028 square km of land is under a cattle ranch. This area size is almost the same as that of the whole of Belgium.
- People of Queensland in Australia are called “Banana Benders”, and “Sand Gropers” is the name given to the people from Western Australia.
- There are nearly 20,000,000 people in Australia, of which approximately 80% live in cities next to the sea.
- Australia has, probably, the lowest population density of any country in the world, ie, 2 people per square km. Japan has 327 people/2km
- The area of Australia that is covered by snow in winter is larger than the area of Switzerland.
- 70% of the world’s wool comes from Australia. We have over 126,000,000 sheep, which use fully half the continent for grazing.
- The longest fence in the world is in Australia, and it runs for over 5,530 km. It’s designed to keep dingoes away from the sheep.
- The wine cask, the ubiquitous plastic bag full of wine contained in a cardboard box, was invented in Australia in 1967.
- Qantas stands for Queensland And Northern Territory Aerial Services.
Presidents of Australia, Russia, and the USA Go to Hell
John Howard, Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 15 minutes. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes a cheque.
Obama calls the US and talks for an hour. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is 4 million dollars, so he writes a cheque.
Finally, John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is 25 cents. Howard just smiles.
Obama and Putin go ballistic and ask the Devil why Howard got to call Australia for only 25 cents.
The devil smiles and replies: “Since Julia Gillard took over, the whole country has gone to hell. It’s a local call.”
An Aussie Jobsworth
A Funny Story from the Australian Gas Company
In March 1999 a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW, Australia) received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away as anybody might.
In April he received another bill and threw that one away too.
The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating that they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn’t send them $0.00 by return mail. He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.
However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off. He called the gas company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.
Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.
Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their own game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all.
A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing writing a cheque for $0.00.
After a lengthy explanation, the bank manager replied that the $0.00 cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover the debt.
At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against the gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks at the local courthouse that he was not joking.
They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements that were considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he had been forced to endure during this debacle.
The matter was heard in the Magistrate’s Court in Mudgee and the outcome was this:
The gas company was required to:-
[1] Immediately rectify their computerized accounts system or Show cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for consideration under Company Law.
[2] Pay the bank dishonor fees incurred by the man.
[3] Pay the bank dishonor fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose cheques had been bounced on the day our friends had been processed.
[4] Pay the claimant’s court costs; and
[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5-month period March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused their client to suffer.
And all this over $0.00.
As Will and Guy always say, ‘You just could not make it up.’
Kindly sent in by John Morris
April Fools’ Day Down Under
We had no idea that Australia celebrated April Fool’s Day – we should have known better!
The world’s first “square” ferris is wheel launched in Melbourne, Australia. Melbourne’s Docklands observation wheel is re-opening with a “revolutionary new design” – a square-shaped wheel, it was announced.
- A Blackberry with no screen was advertised in Australia
- Air New Zealand launched a pay-what-you-weigh for an airline seat.
Australian Christmas Bon-Bons
- Shane aged 23. ‘My Sheila’s an angel’. Bruce aged 59. ‘Your lucky mate, mine is still alive’.
- Barry walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barmaid looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it. ‘Tiny’, answers Barry. ‘Why’s that?’ enquires the barmaid. ‘Because he’s my newt’ concludes Barry.
(Will had to explain this riddle to me. My newt – minute) - What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
