The aim of this page is to give you a flavor of the dry, wry, and self-deprecating, Welsh humor.
The Dirtiest Clean Welsh Sheep Joke!
A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one day when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream that ran down from one of his fields. Realizing the danger, he shouted over to the man, ‘Paid a yfed y dwr! Mae’n ych-y-fi!’ [Don’t drink the water. It’s disgusting!]
The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear, shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking.
Realizing the man at the stream couldn’t hear him, the farmer moved closer, ‘Paid a yfed! Dwr ych-y-fi! Defaid yn cachu yn y dwr!’ [Don’t drink. The water’s disgusting. Sheep poo in the water.]
Still, the walker couldn’t hear the farmer. Finally, the farmer walked right up to the man at the stream and once again said again, ‘Dwr yn ych-y-fi! Paid a’i yfed!’. [Water’s disgusting. Don’t drink it!]
‘I’m dreadfully sorry my good man, I can’t understand a word you say, dear boy! Can’t you speak English?’ Said the man at the stream, in a splendid English accent.
‘Oh I see’, said the farmer, ‘I was just saying, if you use both hands you can get more in……..!
Welsh Lamb?
Mrs Hopkins ordered a shoulder of Welsh lamb from her butcher, Mr Davies. She suspected that the meat she had been given was not the genuine article.
‘Are you certain this is real Welsh lamb?’ Mrs Hopkins demanded, angrily.
‘Ah, well, Mrs Hopkins,’ confessed Mr Davies, the butcher. ‘Look you, that lamb was actually born in New Zealand but I can assure you that it had Welsh parents.’
Three Englishmen and a Welshman
Three Englishmen walk into a bar and spot a Welshman sitting alone at a table.
One fellow said to the others, ‘Let’s pick a fight with that Welshman over there.’ His partner replied, ‘Wait, we don’t want to be arrested. Let’s make him start the fight.’ The third Englishman said, ‘Wait here chaps. I know how to do it.’
He went over to the Welshman and said, ‘St David was a flippin’ sissy.’ To this, the Welshman replied, ‘Ah well you don’t say!’ and calmly resumed drinking his beer.
The second Englishman now tried his luck and said to the Welshman, ‘St David was a stupid fool that wore a dress!’ The Welshman again replied, ‘You’re very sharp, you don’t say!’ and calmly resumed drinking his beer.
The last Englishman told his friends he knew how to rile the Welshman and bounced up to the table and yelled, David was an Englishman!’
The Welshman replied, calmly, ‘That’s what your mates were trying to tell me.’
Will and Guy’s Collection of Funny Welsh Jokes About Family Life
The Bishop and His Wife
The Bishop of St. Asaph and his wife were on holiday in Spain and were just signing in to their hotel in Seville.
Now, although bishops of the Church in Wales have a title their wives are plain “Mrs”. So the good prelate wrote in the register:
The Bishop of St. Asaph and Mrs. Williams.
The hotel manager looked at the register in amazement and taking the Bishop to one side said, ‘In Spain, Bishop, we are not as is commonly said, narrow-minded, and it is no concern of mine what your relationship is with this woman, but do you not think you could conduct this affair a little more discreetly?’
My Wife is from Wales
Martyn Williams from Carmarthen, South Wales, was visiting London for the first time. He really wanted to buy a hat and the one he chose was priced at £20 [$35].
Martyn spoke to the shop assistant, ‘Back home in Carmarthen I could get a hat like this for only £5.’
The assistant answered, ‘Well, sir, the thing is we have large shop windows here, often in the sun, and when the hats fade we send them to places like Carmarthen. And by the way, my wife comes from Carmarthen. You may have known her. She was Blodwyn Thomas, who lived at the bakery.’
‘Yes, I know her, boyo,’ replied Martyn smiling. ‘She was very pretty. I took her out many a time. But you know, when things get a bit faded in Carmarthen we send them to London.’
Knitting
Mrs Evans pulled Mrs Jones out of earshot of the front room, where Mrs. Jones’ lovely young daughter, Mefanwe, sat.
‘It is really none of my business,’ whispered Mrs Evans, ‘but have you noticed what your daughter is doing?’ ‘Why, no. Is she up to anything special?’
Mrs Evans leaned closer. ‘Haven’t you noticed? She’s started knitting tiny garments.’
Mrs Jones’ troubled brow cleared. ‘Well, thank goodness,’ she said smiling, at last, she’s taken an interest in something besides running around with boys.’
Welsh Husbands
A Welsh lad came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.
‘Wonderful, ‘replies his mother, ‘what part is it?’
The boy says, ‘I play the part of the Welsh husband.’
The mother scowls and says, ‘Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part.’
Footnote As a Welsh husband myself, I can vouch for the truth of the above scenario.
Insurance Settlement
Although it was some time since her husband died, the Welsh widow remained inconsolable. To the insurance rep who came round to settle her late husband’s policy she declared in tears, ‘You know I’d give half this money to have my Evan back again.’
Welsh and Numbers
Two Welshmen, Dylan and Glyn, are sitting on a park bench reading their newspapers.
Dylan notices the headline, ’12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed.’
Turning to Glyn, Dylan (Dull’un) enquires, ‘Just how many is a Brazilian?’
Funny
Welsh Films
- The Wizard of Oswestry
- Trefforest Gump
- Independence Dai
- Haverfordwest Was Won
- Cool Hand Look-you
- Dial M For Merthyr
- The Bridge on the River Wye
- Breakfast at Taffynys
- Look You Back in Bangor
- A Fishguard Called Rhondda
A Few More Funny Jokes from Wales
Welsh Travel
A well-spoken English gentleman sauntered into a pub in Llandrindod Wells and drawled, ‘What’s the quickest way to get to Brecon from here?’
Rhodri Owen, the landlord answered, ‘Are you walking or going by car?’
The Englishman answered, ‘By car, of course, my man.’
‘Well, that’s the quickest way,’ retorted the landlord smartly.
Lloyd George Knew Who?
David Lloyd George’s amours were notorious, though curiously not at all damaging to his career. During the Great War, his daughter Megan was trying to crash a bread queue in Wales. ‘Who do you think you are?’ cried the Welsh housewives.
‘I’m Lloyd George’s daughter,’ she said proudly, to which they all answered, ‘So are we.’
Footnote: Lloyd George was the British prime minister 1916-22. For those with long memories, it’s a case of history repeating itself. Lloyd George’s infamous ‘Cash for peerages’, today’s ‘Cash for questions’. In fact, the song ‘Lloyd George Knew My Father, Father Knew Lloyd George’ was a satirical take on the fact everybody knew someone whom Lloyd George knighted.
Welsh Rugby Jokes
- For one grudge game in January, Bedwas 3rds were a player short and they asked around for a replacement. Cecil, who used to be a utility player for the Leicester 1st XV, said he would be delighted to play. After a particularly bad game, Dai said ‘Cecil may have been known as a utility player at Leicester, but at Bedwas he would forever be known as a futility player’.
Classic Welsh Rugby Joke
Q: What do call an Englishman holding a bottle of champagne after a 6 Nations game?
A: Waiter.
Another Funny Welsh Joke
Within Wales, men from Cardiganshire (Cardis) are not renowned for their generosity, munificence, or open-handedness and this is why.
A Scotsman called Angus and a Cardi called Dylan met in a Glasgow bus station, both were broke and both were thirsty.
The Scotsman had an idea for getting a free beer: ‘I know a barmaid in a pub near here who has got a very bad memory. If you get her involved in a conversation she can’t remember whether you’ve paid or not. Let me try it on first.’
Angus went into the pub, chatted to the barmaid, and duly got his free drink. Now it was Cardi’s turn to try. Dylan sauntered up to the bar, ordered his pint, and began to tell the barmaid all about life in Wales. Ten minutes later he drained his glass and said to the barmaid. ‘Well, it’s been lovely talking to you but I’ve got to be off now. What about my change?’
Footnote Item on a standard hotel bill in Cardiganshire: Wear and tear of mirror – 20 pence.
How to Spell Aberystwyth
Morgan, a youngster, was describing in an essay his holiday in Aberystwyth astonished and delighted his teacher by spelling the town’s name correctly every time he used it.
The next, day Miss Jones, his teacher called him to the front of the class and said, ‘Show the class how well you can spell. Write “Aberystwyth” on the blackboard.’
‘Please, Miss Jones, I can’t anymore,’ Morgan pleaded, ‘I’ve eaten all my rock.’
Living in Rural Wales
Two men, Cadwaladr and Dewi shared an old two-roomed farmhouse somewhere west of Llanfarian. Cadwaladr grumbled to a visitor, ‘Dewi makes life unbearable at times. He keeps sheep and goats in the bedroom and it smells terrible.’
‘Why don’t you open the window?’ came the reply. ‘What, and let all my pigeons escape?’
The Interesting History of ‘to welsh’ (note the small ‘w’)
Permit me to digress. Where do you think Joe Montana comes from? Most likely his forebears came from the American state of that name. Pursuing this theme, the locals in Bridgend use this linguistic technique to differentiate between Dai London, who is an Englishman from that city, and Dai who was raised in the village of Coity.
Back to welshing; now we can visualize how this verb originates from Englishmen who cannot pay their way; they flee from their native shires of Hereford or Shropshire and end up in Wales to hide from the bailiffs. They have welshed on their debts in England.
Welsh humour and idiom
Hollywood Remakes of Welsh Films
Ever since Anthony Hopkins and Catherine Zeta-Jones became established in Hollywood, the Welsh film industry has received additional funding to step up production. News sent in by Mike James.
Hollywood is going to remake many well-known films, but this time with a Welsh flavor. The following are planned for release next year:
- An American Werewolf in Powys
- The Magnificent Severn
- The Wizard of Oswestry
- Trefforest Gump
- Dai Hard
- Cool Hand Look-you
- Dial M For Merthyr
- Haverfordwest Was Won
- Independence Dai
- Seven Brides from Seven Sisters
- Welsh Connection
- Welsh Connection II
- The Bridge on the River Wye
- Lawrence of Llandybie
- The Welsh Patient
- Breakfast at Taffynys
- Look You Back in Bangor
- Evans Can Wait
- A Fishguard Called Rhondda
- Where Eagles Aberdare
Everybody tells jokes, but we still need comedians. Jimmy Wales
Cinema-goers – Urban Myth
A family of 6 has been found frozen to death outside the Cardiff Odeon in Queens Street. It seems that they had been queuing for two days hoping to see “Closed for the winter”
Extra Cymru Film Titles from Kerry Jones
- Reservoir Sheepdogs
- The Taming of the Shrewsbury
- One Flew Over The Lambing Shed
- Lock Stock and Two Smoking Rarebits
- The Longest Dai
- A Bridgend Too Far
- Don’t Look-you Now
- A Taste of Lava bread
Please contact the Welsh Assembly for actual dates of release and for literal translations where needed.
Dialects Welsh and Ebonics
Concern about Dialects is growing. Basically, people want to preserve them. Here are three arbitrary concerns. In the United Kingdom Cornish has died out as a spoken language. There are proposals to teach the Norfolk dialect in Schools. The Scots bemoan the loss of many of their idiosyncrasies.
Even standard English has huge potential for puns, jokes, and plays upon words. However when you add dialects the fun multiplies. The danger is that people will be offended, so to show we have no malice, I will start by poking fun at my fellow countrymen – the Welsh.
Welsh – Cymru
If you listen to the Welsh language, then you realize it’s a sing-song and lyrical language, unafraid to add extra words, and this explains some of the idiosyncrasies when Welshmen and Welsh women speak English.
Do
The Welsh have a strange use of the verb ‘do’. It is gratuitously inserted into sentences. For example; He does go to the chapel.
The best translation of ‘do’ in the above sentence is ‘went’
meaning the past tense, however, the charm of this simple verb ‘do’, is that it could equally well mean the future tense. A further point any Welshman speaking this sentence would drop the first haich. So they would say: ‘e do go to the chapel on Sunday. This could mean that he went last Sunday, or will be going next Sunday.
By here or by there
It is inexplicable why Welshmen make such great use of the proposition ‘by’. I once heard a woman say to a child.’ Come from by there to by here – or I’ll take you home lost’.
Another Example of Welsh Speak
The above sign was posted outside the new Merthyr Town Hall to be opened by the Prince of Wales.
More Examples of Welsh Humour
Real Welsh Comedians and Comic Actors
In addition to the actors Anthony Hopkins and Katherine Zeta-Jones, Wales has a fine collection of comedians.
- Tommy Cooper was born in Caerphilly and you can see his statue in the town centre.
- Griff Rhys Jones. (Of Smith and Jones fame).
- Rob Brydon (Marion and Geoff).
- Max Boyce 1970s folk singer/comedian.
The Road to Perdition
The Reverend Huw Jones, a Minister from Wales, was traveling home one night and was greatly annoyed when a young man, much the worse for drink, came and sat next to him on the bus.
‘Young man,’ the Minister, declared in a rather pompous tone, ‘do you not realise you are on the road to perdition?’
‘Oh, hell and botheration’, retorted the drunkard, ‘I could have sworn this bus went to Llanelli.’
Methodist Minister at the Post Office
I just met the Reverend Lewis at the Pontypool post office, he was buying stamps for his Christmas cards. I overheard him saying to Gladys the postmistress, “I would like 50 of your Christmas stamps, please.”
“Certainly,” Gladys replied, “What denomination would you like?”
“Dew, dew” The Reverend exclaimed, “What has the world come to? OK, please give me 6 Wesleyan, 15 Presbyterian, 28 Lutheran, and 1 Galvanised for that Calvinist Methodist in Newquay.”
Gareth is Shipwrecked
Gareth James, a Welshman, was shipwrecked and managed to survive, he was marooned on a desert island. A passing ship picked him up some seven years later and the crew were amazed to find his little island covered in fine buildings that Gareth had constructed all by himself.
With pride, Gareth took the Captain around the island and pointed out to him his house, workshop, electricity generator, and two chapels.
‘But what do you need the second chapel for?’ demanded the perplexed Captain.
‘Come on, boyo,’ smiled Gareth impishly, ‘that’s the chapel I don’t go to.’
English Tourists in Cardigan, Wales
George, an English visitor to the small Welsh town of Aberaeron, Cardiganshire, was approached by one of the deacons of the local chapel who asked him whether he would like to attend their chapel on the following Sunday.
‘Wouldn’t that be a little pointless?’ replied George politely, ‘After all, your services are held in Welsh and I don’t understand the language.’
‘Ah yes, boyo,’ answered the deacon, ‘but the collection is in English.’
Films That Did Not Make the ‘A’ List
- The Eagle has Llandudno
- 9½ Leeks
- Cwmando
- The King and Mair
- Sheepless in Seattle
- The Lost Boyos
- Huw Dares Gwyneth
- Austin Powys
- A Beautiful Mind-you
- The Magic Rhonddabout
Wives – More Welsh Humour
Three men, Lee, Georgio, and Dai married wives from different countries. The first man, Lee, married a woman from China. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, Lee came home to see a clean house and all the dishes washed and put away neatly.
The second man, Georgio, married a woman from Italy. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day Georgio saw it was slightly better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man, Dai, married a Welsh girl. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
Dai said the first day he didn’t see anything. The second day he still didn’t see anything. But by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that Dai could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
Footnote: This item was kindly sent by John Collin, please send us your examples of distinctive Welsh humor.
