Here is a selection of NFL humor that you can modify by changing the names of the players to suit your fancied team.
Perfect Woman Competition
The owner of a bar in Indianapolis is holding a competition to find the ‘perfect woman’, the prize is a ticket for the Super Bowl.
Amongst the tasks the aspirants will be expected to undertake are:
- Back a trailer load of hay.
- Change a truck tire.
- Clear a pool table.
- Darn a sock.
- Wrangle and brand a steer.
N.B. Lest we get complaints from the LFL (Lingerie Football League), this is just a Super Bowl joke!
Classic Super Bowl One-liner
Q: What do call a 49 fan holding a bottle of champagne after Super Bowl XLVII?
A: Waiter.
Next Super Bowl Contenders?
Snow White was returning from town to the cottage in the forest where she lived with the 7 dwarfs. In the distance she could see smoke, then as she got nearer she realized that their cottage had burnt down.
Frantically, Snow White searched the forest for the dwarfs, then she heard a lone voice saying, ‘Lions for the NFC North, the Detroit Lie Downs will win Superbowl XLVIII’.
On hearing this chant, Snow White gave a little sigh of relief as she knew that at least Dopey was safe.
Running Back or Lineman?
Marvin Ventner, the football coach was asked his secret of evaluating his new recruits.
‘Well,’ he answered, ‘It’s easy. I take ’em out in the woods and make ’em run. The ones that run around the trees, I make into running backs. The ones that run straight into the trees, I turn into linemen.’
The Football Star
Tebow, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A woman is standing three floors up on a ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.
‘Hey, lady, ‘yells Tebow, ‘Throw me the cat.’
‘No, ‘she cries, ‘It’s too far.’
‘I play football, I can catch him.’
The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Tebow, kisses her cat goodbye and then
tosses the moggy down onto the street. Tebow keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and Tebow runs into the street and catches the cat. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one-handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire, breaks into cheers.
Tebow does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then Tebow spikes’ the cat into the pavement.
Super Bowl Jokes
You have probably spotted by now that most of these NFL yarns can be improved by modifying the people or place to suit those teams still in this year’s NFL playoffs.
Playing Possum
Why are the 49ers like a possum? Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Ross Knows His Tables
One morning in elementary school, the students were going to a geography class. The teacher wanted to show the students where cities and states are.
The teacher asks the class, ‘Does anyone know where Pittsburgh is?’
Francis raises up his hand and says, ‘Yeah, Pennsylvania.’ The teacher replies, ‘Very good, Francis, now can anyone tell me where Detroit is?’
Rachel raises her hand and says, ‘That’s in Michigan.’ The teacher again says, ‘Very good, Rachel.’
Trying to confuse the children, she now asks, ‘Where’s Denver City?’ Ross raises his hand and says, ‘Oh, oh, pick me, I know?’
The teacher says, ‘OK, Ross where is Minnesota?’ ‘Last place.’
Will and Guy Present Their Favourite Funny NFL Jokes
The Bears
The Chicago Bears took the field for their first playoff practice.
Not long after the practice started a Bear offensive player noticed a white, powdery substance on the field. The practice was immediately stopped and experts were called in to examine the substance. With recent scares about anthrax, officials worried that terrorists had somehow gained access to the field.
A group of nervous Chicago players stood and watched as the substance was examined.
Finally, the tests were completed and the experts revealed that the powder was just the chalk dust from the goal line. It was an understandable mistake considering the Bears’ offense seldom got near that area of the field.
New York Jets
What’s the difference between the New York Jets and a dollar bill? You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.
Quarterback
Why can’t Mark Sanchez use the phone anymore? Because he can’t find the receiver.
Strange NFL Lunches
“At a press conference a Viking player, a Bills player, and a Packers player were eating their lunch together.
The Viking player said, “If I have meatballs for lunch again I’ll jump from the top of this stadium!”
The Bills player said the same about his pizza, and the Packer said the same about the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in his lunchbox.
The next day the Viking player got meatballs and jumped to his death.
Then the Bills player got pizza and jumped to his death.
Then the Colts player got a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and jumped as well.
At the funeral, the Viking and Bill’s wives were crying and said, “If only we had known this I wouldn’t have packed them that lunch!”
The Colts’ wife said, “That’s strange, my husband always packs his own lunch!”
Baltimore Ravens Fan
Miss Marie Collins, a first-grade teacher, explains to her class that she is a Pittsburg Steelers fan. She asks her pupils to raise their hands if they are Steelers fans too. Not really knowing what a Steelers fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.
There is, however, one exception. Paula has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
‘Because I’m not a Steelers fan,’ she answers.
‘Then,” asks Miss Collins, ‘what are you?’
‘I’m a Baltimore Ravens fan,’ boasts Paula proudly.
The teacher asks Paula why she is a Ravens fan.
‘Well, my Dad and Mum are Ravens fans, so I’m a Ravens fan too, Paula responds.
‘That’s no reason,’ Miss Collins retorts. ‘What if your mum was a moron, and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?’
Paula smiles and says, ‘Then I’d be a Steelers fan.’
Our Top Ten Funny and Amusing Quotations From and About the NFL
- I had pro offers from the Detroit Lions and Green Bay Packers, who were pretty hard up for linemen in those days. If I had gone into professional football the name Jerry Ford might have been a household word today. – President Gerald Ford
- I just wrap my arms around the whole backfield and peel ’em one by one until I get to the ball carrier. Him, I keep. – DT Big Daddy Lipscomb on his tackling technique
- He is the only man I ever saw who ran his own interference. – Steve Owen on Bronko Nagurski
- I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first. – Saints RB, George Rogers
- I’m a light eater. As soon as it’s light, I start to eat. – Art Donovan
- The reason women don’t play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public. – Phyllis Diller
- Most football players are temperamental. That’s 90 percent temper and 10 percent mental. – Doug Plank, former Chicago Bears
- Rapport? You mean like, ‘You run as fast as you can, and I’ll throw it as far as I can?’ – QB Jeff Kemp on his rapport with WR Jerry Rice
- We’re as clean as any team. We wash our hands before we hit anybody. – Nate Newton
- I always enjoy animal acts. – President Calvin Coolidge when asked if he wanted to meet the Chicago Bears
Spare Seat in The Stand?
Jim Lewis was thrilled to get a ticket for the Super Bowl. The big day came and he took his seat in the stand. After the pre-game show, he noticed the seat in front of him was still vacant. Even after the kick-off nobody was sitting there, so he asked the guy next to the empty seat why nobody was sitting there. The guy replied it would have been my wife’s seat but she just died.”
“Well,” said Jim man, “why didn’t you just bring a friend or relative?”
The guy replied, “Oh, they’re all at the funeral.”
How many Cardinals does it take to win a Super Bowl?
We don’t know, and we may never find out.
- Classic Superbowl jokes could be made funnier by substituting other teams such as the Vikings or the Lions.
Humorous American Football Played by Animals
During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the small animals. The big animals were crushing small animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. In the first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. In the second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5-yard loss.
The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, “Who stopped the elephant?”
“I did,” said the centipede.
“Who stopped the rhino?”
“Uh, that was me too,” said the centipede.
“And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5-yard loss?”
“Well, that was me as well,” said the centipede.
“So where were you during the first half?” demanded the coach.
“Well,” said the centipede, “I was having my ankles taped.”
Turkey Tight End?
New England Patriots had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded to be given a chance to play at tight end.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, ‘You’re superb. Sign up for the season, and I’ll see to it that you get a huge bonus.’
‘Forget the bonus,’ replied the turkey, ‘What I want to know is, does your season go past Thanksgiving Day?’
Intelligent NFL Fans
What do you call a Vikings fan with half a brain? Gifted!
Stupid Football Players
A football coach walked into the changing room before a game. He looked over to his new signing and said, ‘I’m not supposed to let you play since you failed arithmetic, but we need you to be in the team. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right then you will be allowed to play.’
The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, ‘Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?’
The player thought for a moment and then answered, ‘4?’
‘Did you say 4?’ the coach exclaimed, excited that he had got it correct.
Suddenly all the other players on the team began shouting…, ‘Come on coach, give him another chance!’
