• Did you know that Santa’s not allowed to go down chimneys anymore?
• It was declared unsafe by the Elf & Safety Committee.

Please note: This page features Christmas humor for grown-ups, and not risqué adult Christmas jokes.

Short Christmas Jokes Which Appeal To Grown-ups

Next, let’s focus on 7 short Christmas jokes for adults only:

1. Bar Joke

Mike walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

The barmaid looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.

‘Tiny’, answers Mike.
‘Why’s that?’ enquires the barmaid.
‘Because he’s my newt’ concludes Mike.

(Will had to explain this riddle to me.  My newt – minute)

2. Snowman ChristmasJokes

What do you call a snowman in the summer? A puddle.

What do you call a snowman in the tropics?
Lost.

3. Christmas Presents

Of the presents received at Christmas, one in 10 will be broken by the New Year, only 40% will make it to March and just a quarter will be intact by next Xmas.

4. Christmas Sales

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.  Handmade gifts for that hard-to-find person.

(Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a
Christmas present!)

5. Christmas Pudding Notice

Silver Christmas charms bring you good fortune. Silver Christmas charms bring you good fortune.

Potential choking hazard: do not use it with food.

6. Christmas Pizza Joke

Good King Wenceslas phoned Domino’s for a pizza.
The salesgirl asked him:- ‘Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?’

7. Classic Christmas Joke

What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine?
This will sleigh you.

The next part of our Christmas jokes is gender-specific.

What A Boy Wants For Christmas

David remembers accompanying his father out shopping in the toy department of Macy’s one Christmas Eve.

Dad said, ‘What a marvelous train set. I’ll buy it.’

The girl behind the counter looked pleased and murmured, ‘Great, I’m sure your son will really love it.’

Dad replied with a glint in his eye, ‘Maybe you’re right.  In that case, I’ll take two.’

What A Girl Wants For Christmas

The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when Emily, a young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap.  Now, we all know that Santa doesn’t usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, ‘What do you want for
Christmas?’

‘Something for my mother, please,’ replied Emily sweetly.

‘Something for your mother? Well, that’s very loving and thoughtful of
you,’ smiled Santa. ‘What would you like me to bring her?’

Without turning a hair Emily answered quickly, ‘A son-in-law.’

Santa’s Funny Outfit

How do you know Santa Claus has to be a man?
No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year!

As you can see, sometimes pictures are enough to Christmas jokes remarkable and memorable.

10 Reasons Why a Woman WOULD LIKE to Be Santa Claus

Surprisingly, some Christmas jokes even explain why women enjoy being Santa Claus:

1. There’d be no more early morning decisions about what to wear to the office.
2. No one would bother to ask Santa Claus for a ride to work.
3. Buy one big brown belt and you’ll be accessorized for life.
4. You’d always work in sensible footwear.
5. You’d never be expected to make the coffee.
6. There’d be no need to play office politics; a hearty ho-ho-ho would remind everyone who is the boss.
7. Juggling work and family would be easy.  All your children would adore you; even your teenagers would want to sit in your lap.
8. You’d never take the wrong coat on your way home.
9. You could grow a tummy the size of Texas and consider it a job requirement of a funny Santa Claus.
10. No one would ask to see your job description.

Reindeer’s Story at Christmas

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while in the summer both male and female reindeer grow antlers each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.  Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

Names of the other Reindeer

In addition to Rudolph, Santa has nine more reindeer who haul the sleigh the other reindeer are called: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, and Donner.

More Christmas Jokes For Adults

This is one of Guy’s favorite Christmas jokes to tell at grown-up parties.  You can tell it as it is, or else you could improvise and improve the yarn depending on the nationalities present at your Christmas gathering.

‘Waiter – There’s a Fly in My Champagne’

A multi-national company held a reception to celebrate Christmas. The waiter gave each
guest a glass of champagne, but on inspection, each guest noticed that their glass contained a fly.

• The Swede asked for new champagne in the same glass.
• The Englishman demanded to have new champagne in a new glass.
• The Finn picked out the fly out and drank the champagne.
• The Russian drank the champagne, fly and all.
• The Chinese ate the fly but left the champagne.
• The Israeli caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese.
• The Italian drank two-thirds of the champagne and then demanded to have a new glass.
• The Norwegian took the fly and went off to fish.
• The Irishman ground the fly and mixed it in the champagne, which he then donated to the Englishman
• The American sued the restaurant and claimed $50 million in compensation.
• The Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and shouted, ‘Now spit out all that you swallowed.’

Mistletoe Joke

Not surprisingly, Christmas jokes often feature mistletoe.

Jennifer was a pretty 18-year-old girl.  In the week before Christmas, she strolled up to the curtain counter and was trying to decide which of the many types of tinsel she would buy.  Finally, she made her choice and asked the spotty youth who was manning the fabric section.  ‘How much is this gold tinsel garland’.

The spotty youth pointed to the Christmas mistletoe above the counter and said, ‘This week we have a special offer, just one kiss per meter’.

‘Wow, that’s great’, said Jennifer, ‘I’ll take 12 meters’.

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the boy measured out the tinsel, wrapped up the garland, and gave it to Jennifer.

She then called an old man browsing the Christmas trees and said, ‘My Grandpa will settle the bill.’

Christmas Turkey

Christmas jokes are unimaginable without featuring turkeys:

It was Christmas Eve at the meat counter and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.

In desperation, she called over a shop assistant and said, ‘Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?’

‘No, madam, ‘he replied, ‘they’re all dead.’

How Was Your Christmas Meal?

We had grandma for Christmas dinner.
Really?

We had turkey.

Hope you got the idea of this one of our favorite Christmas jokes.

Adult Christmas Quotes

These quotes also represent adult Christmas jokes:

1. ‘Merry Christmas, Nearly Everybody!’ Ogden Nash
2. ‘Happy, happy Christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of our childhood days, recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth, and transport the traveler back to his own fireside and quiet home!’ Charles Dickens
3. ‘Love came down at Christmas; Love all lovely, love divine; Love was born at Christmas, Stars and angels gave the sign.’ Christina Rossetti
4. I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, Just like the ones I used to know, Where the tree tops glisten And children listen To hear sleigh bells in the snow.  Irving Berlin
5. ‘I heard the bells on Christmas Day. Their old familiar carols play. And wild and sweet the words repeat. Of peace on earth goodwill to men.’ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow 

Funny Religious Christmas Jokes from Christmas Crackers

The next part of our Christmas jokes features Christmas crackers:

• Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? Samson because he brought the house down.
• Advent sermon: ‘What is hell?’ Come early and listen to our carol practice.
• Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible? When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
• Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.  (Schoolboy howler)

Bon Bon Christmas Jokes – Cracker Riddles

Christmas jokes about Christmas crackers are called ‘Bon-Bons’ in countries such as Australia and South Africa.  Will and Guy are unsure if these cracker Christmas jokes are also called bon-bons in Ireland.  Most of these one-liners make us groan rather than laugh out loud.

Funny Christmas Jokes and Puns

Now, let’s take a look at Q&A Christmas jokes:

Q: What’s red and white and black all over?
A: Santa Claus after he slid down the chimney.

Q. Why was Cinderella no good at football?
A. Because her coach was a pumpkin.

Q. Why do reindeer scratch themselves?
A. Because they’re the only ones who know where they itch.

Q. Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
A. Because he had low ‘elf’ esteem.

Q. How do Snowmen travel around?
A. By riding an icicle.

Q. Where do Snowwomen like to dance?
A. At Snowballs.

Q. Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory?
A. Because he couldn’t concentrate.

Q: What would you call the ghost of a campanologist?
A: A dead ringer.

Q: What is Tiger Woods’ wife getting for Christmas?
Q: Half of everything.  James Orden

Q. What happened when Guy ate the Christmas decorations?
A. He went down with tinsel-itis.

Footnote: In Australia, and elsewhere, these cracker riddles are called bon-bon Christmas jokes.

Alternative, New, and Funny Bon-Bon Christmas Jokes

The following Christmas jokes are new, but no less amusing:

• I went to the Canary Islands on holiday this year and didn’t see one canary. Going to the Virgin Islands next year, can’t wait.   Ed Byrne
• Why did the turkey cross the road? Are you kidding?  It’s Christmas – he should run a mile.  Stephen K Amos
• Why did the atheist cross the road? So he could see both sides. Tom Wrigglesworth
• A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre …… So the barman gives her one.  Meera Syal
• How many ears has Captain Kirk got? Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.  Ben Miller
• Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer. Catherine Tate
• Never read a popup book about giraffes.  Sean Lock
• Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar… Or, as you like to call it, delicatessen. Sean Hughes
• Man: I’ll have the steak and kiddley pie, please. Waiter: I think you mean steak and kidney?
  Man: That’s what I said, diddle I? Alexander Armstrong
• Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.  Steve Pemberton
• How do you make Lady Gaga cry? Poker face.  Shazia Mirza
• I’ve started dating this Jewish podiatrist. I’m in love with her foot spa.  Phil Nichol
• What do you call a man who’s been diagnosed with attention deficit disorder? These are good crackers, aren’t they?  Who bought these?  Chris Addison
• How do you know if Santa is a werewolf? He has Santa Claws!  Dave Hill
• What do you give a railway station master for Christmas? Platform shoes.  Will

Source of these Christmas jokes: the Guardian Newspaper

Christmas Cracker Variations

As for the crackers themselves, they are also a part of New Year celebrations in Russia; where they are called “хлопушка”.  It’s no surprise that in these former Soviet Union countries the crackers are more like pyrotechnical devices, than the humble British Christmas cracker. Anyway, before we take a look at variations of Christmas jokes about crackers, let’s understand the origin of crackers.

Origins of Crackers

Crackers, as in Christmas crackers were invented in London by Thomas J. Smith. He ingeniously created the crackers as a development of his bon-bon sweets, which he sold in a twist of paper.

When Smith noticed his sales of bonbons fall he racked his brains for new ideas. His first tactic was to insert mottos into the wrappers of sweets like fortune cookies, but this did not produce the boost in sales that he hoped for.

Then he was inspired to add the “bang” element when he heard the crackle of a log he had just put on the fire. The size of the paper wrapper had to be increased to incorporate the banger mechanism, and the sweet itself was eventually dropped, to be replaced by a small gift.

The new product was initially marketed as the ‘Cosaque’ [Cossack], but the onomatopoeic “cracker” soon became the commonly used name, as rival varieties were introduced to the market.

The other elements of the modern cracker, the gifts, paper hats, and varied designs, were all introduced by Tom Smith’s son, Walter Smith, to differentiate his product from the many copycat cracker manufacturers that had suddenly sprung up.

7 Angel Sayings

Popular Christmas jokes often feature angels as main characters.

1. I’m no angel, but I’ve spread my wings a bit. Mae West
2. A man does not have to be an angel in order to be a saint.  Albert Schweitzer
3. Angels fly because they take themselves lightly. G. K. Chesterton
4. It’s easy to be an angel when you are in heaven. Anonymous
5. We are each of us angels with only one wing, to fly we need only embrace each other. Anonymous
6. Philosophy will clip an angel’s wings. John Keats
7. All God’s angels come to us disguised. James Russell Lowell

Santa Claus Conundrum

Some Christmas jokes are happy and sad at the same time. This one is a great example of these mixed feelings:

The 3 stages of man:

1. He believes in Santa Claus.
2. He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.
3. He IS Santa Claus!

Out of the Mouths… Christmas Story

As a part of our Christmas jokes, we’d also love to discuss a quick story:

Daniel aged 4, returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story.

He had learned all about the wise men from the east who brought gifts to the baby Jesus.

Daniel was so excited he just had to tell his parents, ‘I learned in Sunday School today all about the very first Christmas. There wasn’t a Santa Claus way back then, so these three blokes on camels had to deliver all the toys. And Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn’t there yet, so they had to have this big light in the sky to find their way around’.

Another Batch of Bon-Bons From Christmas Crackers

We haven’t done with discussing Christmas jokes on crackers yet:

Why doesn’t Santa suffer from claustrophobia when climbs down the chimney?
Because has had his flue jab.

What did Cinderella say when the chemist lost her photographs?
Someday my prints will come.  (Prince)

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine?
This will sleigh you.

What do lions sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells!

What does it mean when the flag is at half-mast at the post office?
They’re hiring.

What did Adam say to his girlfriend on December 24th?
‘It’s Christmas!  Eve.’

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing. It just let out a little wine.

Bert aged 25.  ‘My wife’s an angel’.
Don aged 57.  ‘You’re lucky, mine is still alive’.

A Tale From Aussie

As you may know bon-bon Christmas jokes are popular in Australia, so this is why we have added this yarn.

The Amazing and Funny Australian Love Test

Do you ever wonder who loves you?  Your wife?  Your dog?  You think they love you, but how do you know if they really do? How can you be sure? There is a way to find out and have peace of mind and it only takes one hour.

Simply open the boot of your car, put your dog and your wife in there, close the boot, grab a couple of beers, and watch the footy on the telly for an hour or so.  Then go back to the car, and open the boot.

Now, who is happy to see you?

Let’s finish Christmas jokes on crackers and move on to classic Christmas jokes everyone enjoys.

Funny Christmas Jokes – Classic Conundrums Each And Every One

What Will and Guy find is that we cringe at 12 out of these 15 Christmas jokes – but smile at the other three bon-bons.

• A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
• What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).
• She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
• With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
• Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
• Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
• The man who fell into an upholstery factory is now fully recovered.
• You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
• He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
• Every calendar’s days are numbered.
• A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
• Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Did you find these Christmas jokes funny? Well, the best Christmas jokes are yet to come.

Christmas Jokes for Teachers

Here are Christmas jokes especially selected for their appeal to teachers.

The Golden Rule – Know Your Pupils

Let’s start with one of the best Christmas jokes about teachers and pupils.

A head teacher is making his rounds of the school when he hears a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He rushes in and spots one boy, taller than the others, who seems to be making the most noise.

He seizes the lad, drags him to the hall, and tells him to wait there until he is excused. Returning to the classroom, the head teacher restores order and lectures the class for half an hour about the importance of good behavior.

‘Now,’ he says, ‘are there any questions?’

One girl stands up timidly. ‘Please sir,’ she asks, ‘may we have our teacher back?’

Child Says a Prayer for the Christmas Meal

Sometimes children’s sincere prayers become a source of Christmas jokes.

Lee, A seven-year-old boy, was asked to say thanks for the Christmas dinner.  The family members bowed their heads in expectation.  Lee began his prayer, thanking God for his Mommy, Daddy, brothers, sister, Grandma, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food.

He gave thanks for the turkey, the stuffing, the Christmas pudding, and even the cranberry sauce. Then Lee paused, and everyone waited … and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, “If I thank God for the Brussels sprouts, won’t he know that I’m lying?”

What A Boy Wants For Christmas

We’ve already provided a variation of this one above. It’s indeed one of the best Christmas jokes.

Darren remembers accompanying his father out shopping in the toy department of Hamleys one Christmas Eve.

Dad said, ‘What a marvelous train set. I’ll buy it.’

The girl behind the counter looked pleased and murmured, ‘Great, I’m sure your son will really love it.’

Dad replied with a glint in his eye, ‘Maybe you’re right. In that case, I’ll take two.’

More Christmas Jokes

Below, you can take a look at some of the best Christmas jokes on pictures.

Christmas For Teacher Bob

This is one of those Christmas jokes that always entertain teachers.

Santa Claus Problem

Not surprisingly, Santa Claus often becomes a main character of Christmas jokes.

Santa Claus received a parking ticket from an official in Brooklyn.

Word has reached Will and Guy that a New York parking official has penalized Santa Claus for a parking offense while delivering his presents to needy children.  Santa Claus [aka Chip Cafiero, a retired schoolteacher] received the $115 ticket in Brooklyn. He shouted to the official, ‘Ho! Ho! Ho!’ but he was completely ignored.

Santa claims that his horse-drawn carriage and an SUV carrying the toys were not causing an obstruction.  We are not able to raise a comment from the police but a local politician has said the parking ticket is ‘ridiculous.’

End of Term Answer

In this story, we’ll take a look at Christmas jokes from medieval times.

In medieval times most people were illiterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ids of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: ‘Tee hee, Brutus’

Funniest Christmas Jokes

Here is Will and Guy’s collection of hilarious Christmas jokes and witty riddles.

French Parents Seek Ban on Father Christmas Advert

French parents, due to their nature, are very popular characters in Christmas jokes.

French parents have sought to ban a television commercial in which a father tells his adult son that Father Christmas does not exist, claiming it has traumatized their children Will and Guy have discovered.

The 20-second clip was aired last week during a commercial break on TF1, that was broadcasting the family film, “Ratatouille”.

‘Son, I’ve got some bad news for you,’ says the father in the advert for Crédit Mutuel, a high street bank. ‘Father Christmas doesn’t exist,’ he says, making a parallel with financial advisers whose prime motivation for selling products, he claims, is their commission.

The commercial sparked outrage among parents who are calling on the advertising watchdog to ban the clip.  

Snowman Nose Job

Next, let’s discuss Christmas jokes on snowmen.

Can You Tell If This Snowman is Lying?

Surgeon: Can I pick your nose?

One look is enough to conclude that this one is one of the most amusing Christmas jokes.

Father Christmas Calls

Alex was five; all his Christmas presents were always signed, ‘from Father Christmas.’

A little while after Alex had opened all his presents on Christmas morning, we became aware that he was looking quite down in the mouth for no obvious reason.

‘What’s the matter, Al?’ I asked.

‘Ummmm’, replied Alex slowly, ‘I hoped that you and Mummy would give me something for Christmas’.

Again, it’s one of the favorite Christmas jokes for parents.

More Funny Christmas Jokes and Riddles

Let’s continue with some shorter and more direct Christmas jokes.

• What do you get if Santa comes down your chimney when the fire is ablaze?
  Crisp Kringle.
• Why does rain drop, but snow fall?
  (Nobody can answer this conundrum)
• What do you call people who are frightened of Santa?
  Will’s Answer: Claustrophobic.  (Guy’s answer: Non-existent)
• Sterling silver charms to bring good fortune.
  Notice on the back: ‘Potential choking hazard: do not use with food’.
• What do you get if you team Santa with a detective?
  Santa Clues!
• What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
  Frostbite.
• What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
  The Christmas alphabet has No L (Noel).

Christmas Crackers

Will and Guy Suspect British Law is Crackers.  The 1875 Explosives Act, currently in force in the UK, apparently considers Christmas crackers to be covered by this archaic law.  This means
that an ‘explosive’ cracker cannot be sold to minors.

This law was shown up to be so stupid when 22-year-old student, Heather Walsh, attempted to buy a box of 10, for Christmas Day in her local Marks and Spencer’s in York, England. Asked if she was over 16 years old Miss Walsh, who has a University degree was told the ‘crackers were classed as explosives’, Will and Guy have learned. She was told by staff that they were ‘protecting me by not selling me them and they suggested that if I was left alone with the crackers I couldn’t be trusted and might blow myself up.’

You couldn’t make it up, and we think that this law is definitely CRACKERS.

A Funny Christmas Carol

Of course, Christmas carols are also integral parts of Christmas jokes.

Samantha decided to go carol singing on Christmas Eve.  She knocked on the door of a house and began to sing.

A man, holding a clarinet, opened the door to the house.  In a few seconds, tears were streaming down his face.

Samantha continued singing for at least a further 20 minutes.  She sang every carol she knew. At last, she stopped. ‘I understand,’ she said softly. ‘You are remembering your happy childhood Christmas days. You are extremely sentimental.’

Choking back the tears the man answered between sobs, ‘No……….I’m a musician.’

Christmas Quotes

Interestingly, some famous quotes also represent Christmas jokes.

Charles Dickens

‘I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.’

Roy L. Smith

‘He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a tree.’

Longfellow

‘I heard the bells on Christmas Day, Their old, familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet the words repeat Of peace on earth, goodwill to men!

Christmas Trivia Gleaned from Local UK Newspapers

The following Christmas jokes are collected from local newspapers:

• The song “White Christmas” holds the credit as the most-selling Christmas single of all time
• Santa Claus has nine reindeer counting Rudolph that pull his sleigh
• Saturnalia was the Roman holiday that was celebrated in December
• It wasn’t until about 200 years after Christ’s death that Christians started celebrating his birth
• In northern Europe, there was a holiday known as Yule. People celebrated this holiday by making great fires. They then would dance around the fires, yelling for the winter to end
• Austria was the first country to issue a Christmas postage stamp.
• Silver and gold are the popular Christmas colors after red and green
• Eggnog, the popular Christmas drink, was an American discovery.
• The Christmas carol, ‘I Saw Momma Kissing Santa Claus’ was made famous by Jimmy Boyd when he was just 12 years old.
• Christmas lights were invented by the American Ralph E. Morris.
• W. C. T. Dobson invented the Christmas card.
• Canada is the largest exporter of Christmas trees.
• King’s Canyon National Park, California, USA, has the world’s largest Christmas tree.
• Coca-Cola made the concept of Santa Claus popular in America.
• There are twelve days between Christmas and the Epiphany.

Funny Christmas Jokes on Angels

We’ve briefly touched angels as a part of our Christmas jokes. Below, we’ll provide further Christmas jokes on angels.

Clean But Amusing Christmas Jokes on Angels

Let’s start with some real quotes that we consider Christmas jokes:

• Mindy aged 8.  ‘I only know the name of one angel, he’s called Herald.’  Mommy sings to me the Christmas Carol: Hark! The Herald angel sings.
• Peter aged 7.  ‘Angels don’t eat much, but they drink a lot of milk from Holy Cows.’
• Veronica aged 8. ‘I don’t understand about angels; why when a girl fancies a boy, they get an angel to shoot arrows at him.
• Bert aged 25.  ‘My wife’s an angel’. Don aged 57. ‘You’re lucky, mine is still alive’.

Another Good Angel Joke

Just before Christmas God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on.  He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.  So he called one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.  When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.

Well, he thought for a moment and said, maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another point of view.  So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned she went to God and told him yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.

God said this was not good. So He decided to email the 5% that were good and He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that email said? Ah, so you didn’t get one either?

Hope you had as much laughter as with other Christmas jokes.

Baseball Angels

Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?

In the big innings, Eve stole first, and Adam stole second.  Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son walked home.  The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

What Does The Christmas Angel Look Like?

Now, let’s see Christmas jokes that try to answer the question above.

• Angels come in all shapes and sizes; all ages and skin types.
• For example, the little old lady who returned your purse last week.
• They come disguised as enemies, teachers, students, and even fools.
• Like the taxi driver who told you that your eyes light up the world when you smile.
• They don’t take life too seriously, they travel light.
• Remember the small child who showed you the wonder in simple things.
• An angel leaves no forwarding address, they ask nothing in return.
• Like the poor man who offered to share his lunch with you.
• Like the rich man who showed you that it really is all possible, if only you believe.
• Remember the stranger who just happened to come along, when you had lost your way.
• Think back to the friend who touched your heart, when you didn’t think you had one.
• Some cherubs have freckles, and some have dimples, think of some with wrinkles, and some without.
• They are hard to find when your eyes are closed, but when you choose to see, angels are everywhere you look.
• So, open your eyes and count all your Angels; for you are truly blessed.

The reason that angels can fly is because they take themselves lightly. G.K. Chesterton.

You’ll meet more angels on a winding path than on a straight one. Daisey Verlaef.

Angels on the Christmas Tree

With our Christmas jokes, we’d also love to tell stories of Christmas tree angels.

The fairy at the top of the Christmas tree was originally a little figure of the baby Jesus.  In late seventeenth-century Germany, this became a shining angel. In Victorian Britain, little girls would take the angel down after Christmas and dress him in dolls’ clothes. Eventually, the angel turned
into a thoroughly female fairy, complete with a wand. The transformation was boosted by the pantomimes that became popular in the Victorian era – and, naturally, included a good fairy in the cast.

Cherubs hung on trees, represent the angels who heralded the birth of Christ. This particular example (right) was found in Canterbury Cathedral, Kent, England.

The star, which forms one of the most important ornaments of the Christmas tree indicates the guiding star that led the shepherds and the magi to the newborn Jesus Christ in the stable in Bethlehem.

Stars have knocked angels off the top of the nation’s Christmas trees. Will and Guy have heard that demand has fallen so much that some street retailers have dropped angel tree toppers from shops this year. A decade ago angels were still outselling star tree toppers but now stars outsell angels more than 10-fold.

Make Your Own Christmas Angel

Next part of our Christmas jokes will explain how to make your own Christmas angels.

Just as every child should have a pet, so every child should make a Christmas angel.

Guy’s favorite way of making his fun angel was to use a ping-pong ball for the head, but you can also use an egg.  I don’t know why I did not think of starting with an old light bulb.  As for the body, you are spoilt for choice with cardboard, polystyrene, Styrofoam, or old rolls.

For the wings, you could use ribbon, lace, or other suitable fabric. Then you can have fun painting your Xmas angel.  Use rough painting for the body, but use careful brushstrokes when
painting the face.

Another idea I picked up from my nephew was to fix a candle in the angel’s head. However, such funny angels would be better suited to the safety of a table than the potential disaster of catching the tree on fire.

Children’s Funny Ideas About Angels

These Christmas jokes were sent to Will and Guy by Kelvin Bowler a Primary Schoolteacher and old teaching friend.

• When it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. Sara,6
• Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. Mitchell, 7
• Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don’t make the animals get better, they help the kid get over it. Vicki, 8
• I hear funny angels all the time in my dreams. And I’m sticking with that no matter how many people tell me I’m crazy. Molly, 8
• My guardian angel helps me with math, but he’s not very good at science. Henry, 8
• Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who’s a very good carpenter. Jared, 8
• All angels are girls because they’ve got to wear dresses and boys don’t go for it. Antonia, 9
• Everybody’s got it all wrong. Angels don’t wear halos anymore. I forget why but scientists are working on it. Olive, 9
• Angels talk all the way while they’re flying you up to heaven. The basic message is where you went wrong before you got dead. Daniel, 9
• It’s not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven then there’s still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. Matthew, 9
• My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. Katelyn, 9
• When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there’s a tornado.

Angels Remind Us…..

Angels might be here to remind us of our spiritual dimension. At least, that’s what the following Christmas jokes prove:

• Angels also might be here to remind us:
• To seek the best in ourselves at all times no matter who is watching or not watching. Integrity is a virtue they wish to remind us to practice at all times
• They act as role models to help and give to others. They constantly are reminders to help and give without expectation of anything in return
• Angels remind us to ‘lighten up’ in our lives and have a little fun. They know that families who laugh together stay together. Laughter is healing and those Christmas angels love to see the lighter side of life
• So no matter whether you believe or not believe in Angels, they certainly add to the magic, fun, and joy associated with the celebrations and festivities of Christmas

Will and Guy’s Favorite Five Angel Quotes

These 4 angel quotes are among Will and Guy’s favorite Christmas jokes.

• Do not neglect hospitality, for through it some have unknowingly entertained angels.  Hebrews
• We are like children, who need masters to enlighten us and direct us; and God has provided for this, by appointing his angels to be our teachers and guides.  Saint Thomas Aquinas
• We shall find peace. We shall hear angels, we shall see the sky sparkling with diamonds.  Chekov
• These things I warmly wish for you: Someone to love, some work to do, A bit o’ sun, a bit o’ cheer, And a guardian angel always near. Irish Blessing
• True friends are like angels. They are precious and rare, and false friends are like leaves, found everywhere.

Twelve Thought Provoking Angel Sayings

It is not known precisely where angels dwell; whether in the air, the void, or the planets. It has not been God’s pleasure that we should be informed of their abode. Voltaire

1. I’m no angel, but I’ve spread my wings a bit. Mae West
2. A man does not have to be an angel in order to be a saint. Albert Schweitzer
3. Angels fly because they take themselves lightly. G. K. Chesterton
4. Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some have unwittingly entertained angels. The Bible
5. In Heaven, an angel is nobody in particular. George Bernard Shaw
6. It is not because angels are holier than men or devils that makes them angels, but because they do not expect holiness from one another, but from God only. William Blake
7. It’s easy to be an angel when you are in heaven. Anonymous
8. We are each of us angels with only one wing, to fly we need only embrace each other. Anonymous
9. The golden moments in the stream of life rush past us and we see nothing but sand; the angels come to visit us, and we only know them when they are gone. George Elliot
10. Philosophy will clip an angel’s wings. John Keats
11. All God’s angels come to us disguised. James Russell Lowell
12. Music is well said to be the speech of angels. Thomas Carlyle

I feel a Tug

Earth’s Angel Poem

God’s Angels are depicted,
All wearing pretty wings…
Along with a golden harp,
Sweet music that they sing.

Don’t overlook Earth’s Angels,
We see them everywhere…
In the daily deeds they do,
Because they truly care.

Funny Christmas Dog Jokes

Here is Will and Guy’s selection of funny Christmas jokes about dogs.  We have tried to capture what it might be like to be a canine over the festive season.

Freezing Dogs

Tell These Rules to Your Dog at Christmas Time

Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed out than usual. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you.  They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how dogs look with fake antlers. Crazy.

The Christmas Tree:

They may bring a large tree into the house set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations.  Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so here are some Christmas jokes about what canines need to know:

• Don’t pee on the tree.
• Don’t drink water in the container that holds the tree.
• Mind your tail when you are near the tree.
• If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don’t rip them open.
• Don’t chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree.

Discretion

Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on the part of we dogs:

• Not all strangers appreciate kisses.
• Do not eat off the buffet table.
• Beg for goodies by all means but do it…….. subtly.
• Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa.
• Don’t drink out of glasses that are left within your reach.

Manners:

Likewise, your humans may take you to visit at Christmas.  Here your manners will also be important:

• Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house.
• Tolerate children.
• Turn on your charm big time.
• A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night.  Do not bite him.

How Dogs Are Frustrated by Christmas

• A Dog’s New Year’s Resolution:
• I will not chase that stick unless I see it leave his hand.

A Dog’s Christmas Promises

• Christmas tree light bulbs are not food.
• I know that the cat and the snowmen are not real, therefore I will not pull them out of the Christmas tree.
• I will not attack next door’s outside Christmas tree, and drag the string of lights through the hole in the fence.

More Frustration: Have You Got a Bottle Opener?

A Rescue Dog’s Christmas Poem

Based on the epithet that: “A dog is not just for Christmas”.

‘Tis the night before Christmas and all through the town,
every shelter is full – we are lost but not found,
Our numbers are hung on our kennels so bare,
we hope every minute that someone will care,
They’ll come to adopt us and give us the call,
“Come here, Max and Sparkie – come fetch your new ball!!”

But now we sit here and think of the days…
we were treated so fondly – we had cute, baby ways,
Once we were little, then we grew and we grew –
now we’re no longer young and we’re no longer new.
So out the back door, we were thrown like the trash,
they reacted so quickly – why were they so rash?

We “jump on the children”, “don’t come when they call”,
We “bark when they leave us”, and “climb over the wall”.
We should have been neutered, we should have been spayed,
and now we suffer the consequences of the errors they made.
If only they’d trained us, if only we knew… we’d have done
what they asked us and worshiped them, too.

We were left in the backyard, or worse – let to roam – now we’re tired
and lonely and out of a home. They dropped us off here and they kissed us
goodbye… “Maybe someone else will give you a try.”
So now here we are, all confused and alone…
in a shelter with others who long for a home.

The kind workers come through with a meal and a pat,
with so many to care for, they can’t stay to chat,
They move to the next kennel, giving each of us cheer…
we know that they wonder how long we’ll be here.
We lay down to sleep and sweet dreams fill our heads…
of a home filled with love and our own cozy beds.

Then we wake to see sad eyes, brimming with tears –
our friends filled with emptiness, worry, and fear.
If you can’t adopt us and there’s no room at the Inn –
could you help with the bills and fill our food bin?
We count on your kindness each day of the year – can you give more than
hope to everyone here?

Please make a donation to pay for the heat…
and help get us something special to eat.
The shelter that cares for us wants us to live,
and more of us will if more people will give.

Author unknown

According to a survey, 6 out of 10 British dogs get Christmas gifts from their doting owners.

(The above dog looks like that half!)

A Better Plan: Letter to Santa

Irish Terrier – Fretting About Christmas

Indeterminate* Terrier – Not Fretting

* Sandy says this breed of this funny Christmas dog is a Yorkie.

Christmas Dog Nativity Scene

Christmas dog picture kindly sent by Joy Scudder.

Hear the dogs sing ‘Jingle Bells’

A Puppy’s Christmas

It’s the day before Christmas
And all through the house
The puppies are squeaking
An old rubber mouse.

The wreath which had merrily
Hung on the door
Is scattered in pieces
All over the floor.

The stockings that hung
In a neat little row
Now boast a hole in Each one of the toes.

The tree was subjected
To bright-eyed whims,
And now, although
splendid, It’s missing some limbs.

I catch them and hold them.
“Be good”, I insist.
They lick me, then run off To see what they’ve missed.

And now as I watch them
The thought comes to me,
That theirs is the spirit
That Christmas should be.

Should children and puppies
Yet show us the way,
And teach us the joy
What should come with this day?

Could they bring the message
That’s written above,
And tell us that, most of all
Christmas is love.

[Anonymous]

Funny Religious Christmas Jokes

For Christians, the birth of Jesus Christ has a deep spiritual significance, but that does not mean to say that worshipers cannot enjoy a good clean joke at Christmas.

Un-Holy Christmas Tale From the Inn At Bethlehem

Did you hear about the St Michael’s Primary School nativity play? Two children are dressed as Mary and Joseph, and they are on their way to the inn at Bethlehem.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the stage, a lad in a shepherd’s outfit is on a mobile phone.  He is calling the inn to make a reservation.

Another Christmas Nativity Joke

Place:  The Middle School nativity play.
Scene: The Inn at Bethlehem on Christmas Eve.

Joseph: Do you have any room at the inn?
Inn Keeper: (Overplaying his role)  Yes, plenty, come on in.

Joseph: [Jaw drops, speechless]

Footnote: In the nativity play, the innkeeper is supposed to say ‘There is no room in the inn’, and this is how the baby Jesus came to be born in a stable.

Father John and His Young Parishioner

It was the Sunday after Christmas at St Peter and Saint Paul’s Church in Borden, Kent, England.  Father John was looking at the nativity scene before packing away the figures when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the scene.

Immediately, Father John turned towards the vicarage to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Harry with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.

Father John walked up to Harry and said, ‘Well, Harry, where did you get the little infant?’

Harry replied honestly, ‘I took him from the church, Father John.’

‘And why did you take him?’

With a sheepish smile, Harry said, ‘Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it.’

Footnote: This funny religious joke is an ideal yarn to spin at any Christmas party.

Funny Religious Christmas Jokes on Christmas Crackers

• Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? Samson because he brought the house down.
• Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!
• The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
• Tonight’s sermon: ‘What is hell?’ Come early and listen to our carol practice.
• Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible? When
  Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.

Remember the Christmas cleaning of the Parish Hall this Saturday

We need lots of volunteers to join the work crew.  There is a long list of items to be cleaned. The widows will need extra attention.

A Tree for Christmas

Admiring the Christmas trees displayed in his neighbor’s windows, Nathan asks his father, ‘Daddy, can we have a Hanukkah Tree?’

‘What? No, of course not.’ says his father.

‘Why not?’ asks Nathan again.

Bewildered, his father replies, ‘Well, Nathan, because the last time we had dealings with a lighted bush we spent 40 years in the wilderness.’

More Religious Christmas Jokes

Remarkable Service

Young Eddie was spending Christmas with his grandparents.  On Christmas morning the family went to church.  While they were waiting to go in Eddie checked all the announcements, and pictures along the walls.  When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby verger, ‘Who are all those men in the pictures?’

The verger replied, ‘Why, those are our boys who died in the service’.

Dumbfounded, Jonathan asked, ‘Was that the carol service or the Christmas Day service?’

Out Of The Mouths… Special Prayer

Just after Christmas Father Michael, was walking along the pavement in front of his church
when he heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.  His 5-year-old son, Rory, and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they secured a small box and some cotton wool, then dug a hole and made it ready for the disposal of the deceased.

Rory, the minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said, ‘Glory be unto the Faaather,
and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’

Charity Begins at Christmas

After the Advent church service, eight-year-old Lee said to the preacher: ‘When I grow up, I’m going to give you some money.’

‘Well, thank you, ‘the preacher replied, ‘but why?’

‘Because my father says that you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had.’

Christmas Evangelist

A man says to an evangelist lady who is preaching in the street just before Christmas:
“I know what YOU are! You’re a ‘happy clapper'”.

“Oh no I’m not!” she said. “I’m a Walkie Talkie!”

Spot the Fool?

Father George was opening his Christmas cards one December morning. Out of one, of the cards came a single sheet of paper on it was written only one word: ‘Fool’. The following Sunday, in church, Father George announced to the assembled congregation, ‘I have known many people who have written notes to me and forgotten to sign their names.

But this week I received a note from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter.’

A Miracle?

Father O’Malley was driving down to Boston on Christmas Eve when got stopped for speeding in Medford. The highway patrol officer smelled alcohol on the priest’s breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He said, ‘Father, have you been drinking?’

‘Only water’, replied Father O’Malley.

The policeman asked, ‘Then how come I can smell wine?’

The priest looked at the bottle and said, ‘Good Lord! He’s done it again.’

• A rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar.
• The bartender looks up and says, ‘What is this, a joke?’

Vicar and His Son

Andrew was watching his father, a Vicar, write a sermon for the Christmas service.

‘How do you know what to say?’ Andrew asked. ‘Why, God tells me’, the father replied. ‘Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?’

Board Meeting

‘There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the Christmas service,’ announced Reverend Morris.

After the close of the service, the group gathered at the back of the church for the announced meeting.  However, this Christmas there was a stranger in their midst. He was a visitor who had never attended their church before.

‘My friend,’ asked Reverend Morris, ‘did you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?’

‘Oh, yes,’ came the rejoinder from the visitor, ‘and after that sermon, I’m about as bored as you can get.’

Religious Education

• The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Genesis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked ‘Am I my brother’s
  son?’
• When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the ‘Magna Carta’.
• One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan
• Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines
• Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony
• Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
• In my maths class, I told the kids that we were going to investigate Even and Odd.  One boy blurted out, ‘I know that Bible story!’  When I stopped laughing I said, ‘I think you mean Adam and Eve.’

If College Students Wrote the Bible

The Bible was written centuries ago by the Apostles. But what if it was written by college students? Most likely it would be a lot different. Here’s what it might look like if College Students Wrote the Bible:

• The ‘Blood of Christ’ would be switched from red wine to beer in a keg.
• The Last Supper would have cold leftovers for the next morning.
• The Ten Commandments would be only five, double-spaced, and written in large font.
• A New edition would be written every two years to limit reselling.
• The Forbidden Fruit would have been eaten not because it was forbidden but because it wasn’t dorm food.
• Paul’s Letter to the Romans would be Paul’s E-Mail addressed to [email protected].
• The reason Cain killed Abel would be because they were roommates.
• The place where the end of the world occurs would be Finals, not Armageddon.
• Instead of mules, the preferred mode of transportation would be mountain bikes.
• The reason why Moses and his followers walked in the desert for 40 years would be because they didn’t want to ask directions and look like Freshmen.
• The Tower of Babel would be blamed for the Foreign Language requirement.
• Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

The Meaning of ’12 Days of Christmas’

There is one particular Christmas Carol that has always baffled Will and Guy. What in the world do leaping lords, French hens, swimming swans, and especially the partridge who won’t come out of the pear tree have to do with Christmas?

We would like to thank a site reader, who emailed us, to let us know the real meaning behind this carol.

From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics. It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality that the children could remember.

1. The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ.
2. Two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments.
3. Three French hens stood for faith, hope, and love.
4. The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.
5. The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament.
6. The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation.
7. Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit: prophecy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy.
8. The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes.
9. Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control.
10. The ten lords a-leaping were the Ten Commandments.
11. The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples.
12. The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles’ Creed.

So there was your history for today.

This knowledge was shared with us and we found it interesting and enlightening now I know how that strange song became a Christmas Carol, so pass it on if you wish.

One More Funny Religious Christmas Joke

Father O’Malley and the Clever Christmas Beggars

It’s just before Christmas and two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Ireland. One is holding a cross and the other a Star of David there is a steady stream of shoppers.  Father O’Malley, the priest observes that both are holding hats to collect contributions.  People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David, and drop money into the hat of the man with the cross.  Soon, the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.

Father O’Malley, having watched for a while, approaches the beggars. He says to the man with the Star of David, ‘Don’t you realize that this is a Catholic country?  You’ll never get any contributions holding a Star of David.’

The man turns to the one with the cross and says, ‘Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?’

Funny Santa Banta Christmas Jokes in English

Santa and Banta are two Sardarji’s who are good friends. Most of the time each of them tries to outsmart the other and this creates humor.  Most of their conversations are funny and are called Santa Banta Christmas jokes.

Santa and the Clock

Santa is in Delhi. He is walking on a street that has a Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower. Santa says agrees.

‘Give me a thousand rupees and I’ll go get a ladder.’ The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Santa figures he has been made a fool by that man.

On the next day, Santa is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock. ‘Give me a thousand rupees and I’ll go get a ladder.’

Santa gives him another thousand and says, ‘Oye, I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I’ll go get a ladder.’

Santa and The Lottery Ticket

Banta finds himself in considerable trouble. His business has gone bust and he has serious financial concerns. He’s so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray: ‘Oh God, please help me, I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto.’

Lotto night arrives and somebody else wins it.

Banta goes back to the temple, ‘God, please let me win the lotto, I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.’

Lotto night comes and Banta still has no luck!! Back to the temple he goes.

‘God, why have you forsaken me? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car, and my wife and children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant
to you. Why won’t you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?’

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Banta is confronted by the voice of the Lord, ‘OYE BANTA, YOU HAVE TO BUY THE TICKET FIRST.’

Santa Visits a Bar

Santa goes into a bar in New York.

The man on his right orders a drink, ‘Johnnie Walker, single.’

The man on his left says, ‘Jack Daniels, single.’

Santa says. ‘Santa Singh, married.’

Santa and the Wedding

Santa and Jeeto were preparing wedding cards for their son at the printers.

Jeeto was not very good at English so she asked the printer to help her. After the printer had presented her with a draft, she quickly pointed out that the “RSVP ” was missing.

The printer was surprised by Jeeto’s knowledge and asked her if she knew what it meant.

Jeeto started to think and after much thought, he replied, ‘Vait! I remember. I remember – RSVP.  It means “Remember, Send Vedding Present.”‘

Santa Buys Curtains

Santa enters a shop that sells curtains. He announces to Gurdaya, the salesman, ‘I would like to buy a pair of green curtains.’

The salesman assures him that they have a large selection of green curtains. Gurdaya shows him several patterns, but Santa seems to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally, he selects a smashing green floral print. The salesman asked what size curtains he required.

Santa replies, ‘Fifteen inches.’

‘Fifteen inches? ‘ explodes Gurdaya. ‘That sounds a tiny amount, what room are they for?’

Santa tells him that they aren’t for a room, they are for his computer monitor.

Gurdaya, an extremely surprised salesman replies, ‘But, sir, computers do not have curtains!”‘

Santa says, ‘Hellllooooooooo……..I’ve got Windows.’

More Funny Santa Banta Gags in English

Santa Buys A Hearing Aid

Santa, hard of hearing, realizes that he needs to buy a hearing aid, but he feels unwilling to spend too much money.

‘How much do they cost?’ he asks Manbir, the shopkeeper.

‘That depends,’ says. Manbir, ‘They run from £20 to £2,000.’

‘Let’s see the £20 model,’ asks Santa.

Manbir puts the device around Santa’s neck instructing, ‘You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket.’

‘How does it work?’ Santa inquires.

‘For only £20 it doesn’t work,” Manbir replies, ‘But when people see it on you, they’ll talk louder!’

Santa Has A Funny Dream

Santa kept having the same strange dream every night, so he made an appointment to see a doctor.

Doctor Ajaib: What was your dream about? Santa: I was being chased by a vampire!

Doctor Ajaib: [smiling to himself] So… what is the scenery like?
Santa: I was running in a hallway.

Doctor Ajaib: Then what happened?
Santa: Well that’s the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can’t open it. I kept pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn’t budge!

Doctor Ajaib: Does the door have anything written on it?
Santa: Yes it does.

Doctor: And what do these letters say?
Santa: It says, “Pull.”

Santa Goes To School

Santa returns from his first day at school and immediately questions his father, ‘Dad, today we had a spelling class. All the other kids could only say half the alphabet, but I knew the whole
thing. Is that because I am a Sardar?’ ‘No son, that’s because you are intelligent.’

Santa seemed content with the answer and asked his father another question, ‘Dad, today we had Maths class. All the other kids could only count from 1-10, I could count from 1 to 20. Is this because I am a Sardar ?’ ‘No son, that’s because you are intelligent,’ replies his father.

Happy with the answer, Santa poses another question to his father, ‘Dad, today we had a medical examination, all the other boys were shorter than me, I was at least twice their height. Is that because I am a Sardar ?’ The father replies, ‘No son, that’s because you are 33 years old.’

Funny Snowman Christmas Jokes

Rather like snow itself, Will and Guy only like clean snowman Christmas jokes.

But first a snowwoman joke.

• Why are snowwomen like snowflakes?
• Each is beautiful.  They are all different, yet they can be as cold as ice.
• However, they’ll all melt away when they land on your face.

Amusing Snowman Jokes

Now, let’s focus on amusing Christmas jokes that feature snowmen.

• What do you call a snowman in the summer?
  A puddle.
• What do you call a snowman in the tropics?
  Lost.
• What happened when the shy snowgirl ditched her snowboy?
  She gave him the cold shoulder.
• What do cool snowmen wear on their heads?
  Ice caps.
• What do snowmen eat for lunch?
  Ice-bergers.
• Where do snowmen go to dance?
  Snowballs.
• How do snowmen travel to the snow field?
  By icicle.

What Can These Snowmen Smell?

Can You Tell if a Snowman is Lying?

See if his nose grows!

More Snowman Funnies

1. What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib? A snowmobile!
2. What do you call an old snowman? Water!
3. Where do Snowwomen like to dance? At Snowballs.

The World’s Smallest Snowman

David Cox created the world’s smallest snowman at the National Physical Laboratory in West London.  Even at his fattest this tiny snowman is less than the width of a human hair.  David created the structure from two tin beads, which he usually employs to calibrate his electron microscope lenses.  He used platinum to weld the tiny blobs to form the snowman.
He then focused an ion beam to carve the eyes and smile.  Lastly, he used another blob of platinum for the nose.

Snowman Ditty

Frosty the Snowman was a jolly happy soul,

With a corncob pipe, and a button nose, and two eyes made out of coal.

Another Tranche of Snowmen Jokes

We’re keeping on with snowmen related Christmas jokes:

• Which cereal do healthy snowmen have for breakfast?
  Frosties!
• What do hungry snowmen put on their ice burgers?
  Chilly sauce!
• What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
  The ones with thick icing!
• What did the snowman’s hat say to the scarf?
  You hang around while I go on ahead.
• What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?  A snowball.

Snowman Takes to the Woods

Raymond Briggs’ Famous Snowman Short Film

In Raymond Briggs’ animation, a little boy called James wakes up to find a blanket of snow.  It’s magical to James and he rushes out of his house and into the garden.  It’s not long before he builds a snowman.   That night James cannot sleep so he decides to get up and check on his snowman.  As he opens the back door he is amazed because the snowman has come to life!

James and the snowman begin a friendship which results in a magical adventure to enthrall adults and children.

Never miss a chance to see ‘The Snowman’ on TV, and consider booking a performance on stage, such as the Peacock Theatre in London.

Above is Frosty the Snowman and James ‘Walking in the Air’, with Aled Jones doing the singing.

A Few More Funny Snowmen Jokes

In this section, we’re discussing the funniest Christmas jokes featuring snowmen.

1. What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
   A snowmobile.
2. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
   Snowflakes.
3. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
   Frostbite.
4. Why did the snowdrop?
   Because it heard the cro-cus.
5. How do you explain ice to a child?
   Skid stuff!

More Funny Christmas Jokes

Here is Will and Guy’s collection of Christmas Jokes, one-liners, and amusing pictures

Clean Xmas One Liners

Here are some of the best Christmas jokes that consist of one liners:

• What kind of tree do fingers grow on? A palm tree.
• With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
• Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop? It blew away.
• What must you know to be an auctioneer? Lots.
• What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert? Lost.
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
• Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
• How do snails keep their shells shiny? They use snail varnish.
• What is the vampire’s favorite song? Fangs for the memory.
• What do you get if Santa comes down your chimney when the fire is alight? Crisp Kringle
• What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? Nothing. It just let out a little wine.

Roberta’s Try-on

Roberta was going to the Xmas office party but needed a new party frock. So she went into M&S and asked the assistant, ‘May I try on that dress in the window, please?’

‘Certainly not, madam,’ responded the assistant, ‘You’ll have to use the changing room like everyone else.’

Father Xmas Calls

Alex was five; all his Christmas presents were always signed, ‘from Father Xmas.’

A little while after Alex had opened all his presents on Xmas morning, we became aware that he was looking quite down in the mouth for no obvious reason.

‘What’s the matter, Al?’ I asked.

‘Ummmm’, replied Alex slowly, ‘I really hoped that you and Mummy would give me something for
Xmas’.

Crafty Cockney – Xmas Caper

Marge lost her handbag in the hustle and bustle of Xmas shopping in Regent Street, London.

A small boy found it and he returned to her. Looking in her purse, Marge reasoned, ‘Hmmm…. that’s strange.  When I lost my bag there was a £20 note in it. Now there are four £5 notes.’

The boy quickly replied with a charming smile and in a cockney accent, ‘That’s right, madam. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have change for a reward.’

Artificial Xmas Tree Recall

November 2007, Liverpool, England: The Merseyside Food Inspection Agency (MFIA) has issued a warning about artificial Xmas trees made in Korea.  The problem concerns the Ringo beatle which infests tree bark and may escape and attack people’s skin and lay eggs in their hair.

An MFIA spokesperson said, ‘The trees should have been treated with Rollingus stone which makes the Ringo beatle listless and curl up. However, this batch of artificial trees is untreated, consequently, this beetle can cause hysteria in teenagers and flashbacks in older people.  Strangely, the illness affects females more seriously than males’.

The affected model is the ‘Sergeant Pepper’ and the batch number is FAB4.  In December MFIA issued a recall notice for these artificial Xmas trees.  Anyone who bought a Sergeant Pepper tree in November should return it to the shop from where they purchased it and ask for a refund.  To help with Beatle identification, the MFIA has released the following funny Xmas tree picture:

Above is an identification guide to help with the recall of artificial Xmas trees

Funny Xmas Pictures

Santa Loses Elf

I told you cigars were bad for you

Will and Guy’s Top Ten Cracker Jokes For You To Groan At

What we find is that everyone groans eight and laughs at two of these ten.  The strange thing is everyone has a different pair that they
chuckle at. For us, these 10 Christmas jokes are:

1. What does a frog do if his car breaks down?
   He gets it toad away.
2. What do you call a crazy golfer?
   A crack put.
3. What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
   A nervous wreck.
4. What do vampires sing on New Year’s Eve?
   Auld Fang Syne.
5. What is black and white and noisy?
   A zebra with a drum kit.
6. What’s the fastest thing in water?
   A motor pike.
7. What lies in a pram and wobbles?
   A jelly baby.
8. What do you call a blind dinosaur?
   A doyouthinkhesawus.
9. What do you get if you cross a hen with a bedside clock?
   An alarm cluck.
10. Where are the Andes?
    On the end of the armies.

3 More Cracker Riddles

1. How do you know if Santa is a werewolf?
   He has Santa Claws!  Dave Hill
2. Never read a popup book about giraffes. 
   Sean Lock
3. What do you give a railway station master for Christmas?
   Platform shoes.  Will

for these funny Christmas Jokes.

Bon-bon Usage

Christmas Crackers are called ‘Bon-Bons’ in countries such as Australia and South Africa.  Will and Guy are unsure if Christmas cracker riddles are also called bon-bons in Ireland.  These one-liners usually make us groan rather than laugh out loud.

More Christmas Crackers

It is claimed that Tom Smith, a baker of wedding cakes from London, invented the Christmas
cracker probably in the 1840s. On a visit to Paris, he saw some sugar almonds [bon-bons] wrapped in twisted paper. On his return to England, Tom designed a cracker shape; also inspired by the sound of logs crackling in a fire, and founded cracker manufacturers in 1847, which still exists today – possibly the largest manufacturer in the world.

Father Christmas Calls

Alex was five; all his Christmas presents were always signed, ‘from Father Christmas.’

A little while after Alex had opened all his presents on Christmas morning, we became aware that he was looking quite down in the mouth for no obvious reason.

‘What’s the matter, Al?’ I asked.

‘Ummmm’, replied Alex slowly, ‘I really hoped that you and Mummy would give me something for Christmas’.

Footnote: Punishment for boys who no longer believe in Father Christmas.  They get clothes for Christmas.

Christmas Humour – Disaster At the Restaurant

Passing the Mayfair Chinese Restaurant on the corner of Castle Road (the premises where Peter Sellers was born) today 3rd January, on my way back from seeing Sheridan, I saw that there was
a handwritten notice on the glass in the door. It read and looked like this:

Don’t know how long the notice had been there, but I did not see any smoke, fire engines or road closures! It must have ruined their Christmas and New Year trade!

CLOSED

KITCHEN ON FIRE

UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE

Religious Christmas Jokes

Will and Guy have chosen these funny religious Christmas jokes with care. We feel that they don’t offend those with a Christian belief, yet they will amuse children at Christmas time.

It’s said in religious circles that it’s a shame that the devil has all the best tunes.  Fortunately, when it comes to funny Christmas jokes, the devil does not have things all his own way.

• There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. – Erma Bombeck

Bible Study

Rosalie, my little granddaughter came home from Sunday School, and I asked her what they had been studying.

Rosalie answered, ‘When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.’

‘Very interesting’, I said, ‘what else did you learn?’

She replied, ‘Nothing.’

So I asked her, ‘Didn’t you study Jesus?’

Rosalie replied, ‘No, he wasn’t even there.’

Church Notices

• For those mothers who have children – and don’t know it, we have a crèche downstairs.
• Remember in prayer for Christmas the many who are sick of our church and community.
• Tonight’s Advent sermon: ‘What is hell?’ Come early and listen to our carol practice.

• Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters?
• They both drop needles!

More Christmas Jokes

• Romeo: What would it take to make you kiss me under the Christmas mistletoe?
• Juliette: An anesthetic.

Best Funny Christmas Jokes and Riddles

Christmas jokes below represent riddles that will undoubtedly cheer you up on this special holiday:

• What is the most popular wine at Christmas?
• ‘I don’t like Brussels sprouts!’
• On which side do chickens have the most feathers? On the outside.
• What is a vampire’s favorite lullaby? Fangs for the memory.
• Why doesn’t Santa suffer from claustrophobia when he climbs down the chimney? Because has had his flue jab.
• Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present!

Drunken Elk Frightens School Pupils

Pupils at a school in Sweden are being terrorized by a drunken elk (Like reindeer, only smaller).  Police say the animal has probably been eating fermented apples in a garden, reports Sky News.

Jan Caiman, a police officer in Molndal, said, ‘That could be the problem. We could be dealing with a boozy elk’. Elk can weigh as much as 1,000 lb and personnel at the school described the erratic male as ‘completely mad’.  The receptionist at the school, near Molndal, in the south of the country, told the Gothenburg Post, ‘The children are really scared’.  Police have contacted hunters and said that if the animal does not sober up and calm down, it could be shot.

Santa Claus Problem

Santa Claus received a parking ticket from an official in Brooklyn.

Word has reached Will and Guy that a New York parking official has penalized Santa Claus for a parking offense while delivering his presents to needy children.  Santa Claus [aka Chip Cafiero, a retired schoolteacher] received the $115 ticket in Brooklyn. He shouted to the official, ‘Ho! Ho! Ho!’ but he was completely ignored.

Santa claims that his horse-drawn carriage and an SUV carrying the toys were not causing an obstruction.  We are not able to raise a comment from the police but a local politician has said the parking ticket is ‘ridiculous.’

A Thoughtful Christmas Gift

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Christmas.

‘Yes,’ came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, ‘I’ve bought her a belt and a bag.’

‘That was very kind of you,’ Jim added, ‘I hope she appreciated the thought.’

Tony smiled as he replied, ‘So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.’

Santa Visits a Bar

Santa Banta goes into a bar in New York.

The man on his right orders a drink, ‘Johnnie Walker, single.’

The man on his left says, ‘Jack Daniels, single.’

Santa says. ‘Santa Singh, married.’

Best Funny Christmas Trivia

• Electric lights were first used on Christmas trees in 1895. Three people die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
• A popular manufactured Christmas fireplace log warns: ‘Caution – Risk of Fire’
• Of the presents received at Christmas, one in 10 will be broken by the New Year, only 40% will make it to March and just a quarter will be intact by next Xmas.
• The Russian Santa Claus carries a pink piglet under his arm.
• According to a survey, 7 out of 10 British dogs get Christmas gifts from their doting owners.
• ‘Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.’ Larry Wilde

An Amusing Christmas Try-on

Mary-Jo was going to the Christmas office party but needed a new dress. So she went out shopping and in the clothing store she asked the assistant, ‘May I try on that dress in the window, please?’

‘Certainly not, madam,’ responded the salesgirl, ‘You’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.’

Let Me Explain the Nose Job Procedure

Funny Presents

Will and Guy are building a collection of ‘Right Christmas Presents’ and ‘Wrong Presents’.  Here are examples.

Crazy 8 Ball – Right Present

This looks like like a normal Pool ball but it has one difference, namely a bias which makes it wobble and go in all directions, except the one
intended.  Just watch the amazement on your opponent’s face, as after you have discretely substituted the 8 Ball, he tries his pot!

Beer Alarm – Wrong Present

You can protect your pint with this Beer Burglar Alarm System. Attach the ‘sucker’ to the side of your beer glass or bottle, set the
proximity alert and walk away.  Whenever someone comes within 30cm (12 inches) of your beer the mafia-style voice alert sounds: ‘Keepa Da Hands off ma BEER!’

Funny Christmas Present

Pete bought his wife, Thelma, a beautiful diamond ring as her Christmas present.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, John, his friend, commented, ‘I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.’

‘Oh, Thelma did, Pete replied, ‘But where on earth was I going to find a fake Jeep?’

‘Twas The Day After Christmas

‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house Children sat slack-jawed, bored on the couch.

Wrappings and toys littered the floor, An incredible mess that I did abhor.

With Mom in her robe and I in my jeans, We waded in to get the place clean.

When suddenly the doorbell: started to clatter, I sprang to the Security View to check out the matter.

The new-fallen snow, now blackened with soot, Was trampled and icy and treacherous to foot.

But suddenly in view, did I gasp and pant: An unhappy bill collector and eight tiny accountants.

The door flew open and in they came, Stern-looking men with bills in my name.

On Discover, on Visa, on American Express, On Mastercard too, I sadly confess, Right to my limits, then beyond my net worth, Over the top I had charged, in a frenzy of mirth.

The black-suited men, so somber, so strict, I wondered why they had first picked me.

They stared at me with a look I couldn’t miss, That said “Buddy, when are you for paying for this?”

I shrugged my shoulders, but then I grew bolder, Went to the cabinet and pulled out a folder.

“As you can see,” I said with a smile, “It’s bankruptcy that I’ll have to file!” And with a swoop of my arm, my middle digit extended
I threw the bills in the fire: the matter had ended.

The scent of burnt ash came to my nose, As up the chimney my credit-worthiness rose.

Without another word, they turned and walked out, Got into their limos, but one gave a shout: “You may think that’s the answer to all of your fears, But it’s nothing you’ll charge for at least seven years! by David Frank

Twas The Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse; the stockings were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

Footnote: Please send us your best funny Christmas jokes and stories.

Boxing Day Jokes

Believe it or not, the following Christmas jokes are about Boxing Day.

• A new Ryanair pilot called Michael was flying into London Heathrow on Boxing Day.  He cannot get the undercarriage down, so he calls the control tower in panic and says, ‘St Patrick’s Day, Easter Sunday, Boxing Day!’An air controller comes back on the airwaves and says, ‘Michael, I think the call sign you’re looking for is: Mayday, Mayday, Mayday!’.
• How do you make an idiot laugh on Boxing Day? Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve.
• Spirit of Boxing Day: It was just after Christmas and the judge was in a festive mood.  He asked the prisoner in the dock, ‘What are you charged with?’ The prisoner replied, ‘Doing my sales shopping too early.’ ‘That’s no crime’, said the magistrate. ‘Just how early were you doing this shopping?’ ‘Before the shop opened’, answered the prisoner.
• Question. Why was Cinderella no good at football? Answer. Because her coach was a pumpkin.
• Boxing Day Latest:  Semi-Annual after Xmas Sale.

Here are more Christmas jokes that you can adapt as Boxing Day riddles.

Boxing Day Joke –  A Seat In the Stand?

Lance and Jimmy were fortunate in that they each had a season ticket to watch Manchester United. However, they had a friend Eddie who would give his right arm for a season ticket.  They could not help noticing that there was always a spare seat (L39) next to theirs.

One half-time Lance went to the ticket office and asked if they could buy the season ticket for L39.  The club official said that unfortunately the seat had been sold.  Nevertheless, week after week the L39 was still empty.

Then on Boxing Day, much to Lance and Jimmy’s amazement the seat was taken for the first time that season.  Jimmy could not resist asking the newcomer, ‘Where have you been all season’.

‘Don’t ask he said, the wife bought the season ticket back last summer and kept it for a surprise Christmas present.

An Amusing Boxing Day Try-on

Mary-Jo was going to the New Year party but needed a special party dress. So she went shopping on Boxing Day.  In the clothing store she asked the assistant, ‘May I try on that dress in the window, please?’

‘Certainly not, madam,’ responded the salesgirl, ‘You’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.’

Why is St Stephen’s Day Called Boxing Day?

Boxing Day Origin

Boxing Day’s history goes back at least to Medieval times in Britain. Whereas Christmas was a day for celebrating Christ’s nativity, Boxing Day, or St Stephen’s Day, was the time for giving and receiving gifts. For the ordinary country working man, a Boxing Day present from the lord of the manor was particularly welcome.  Incidentally, the 26th of December is also known as St Stephen’s Day.

The origin of Boxing Day has nothing to do with the art of pugilism, and everything to do with the ‘Christmas Box’.  The idea started with a clay box used in artisan workshops.  Apprentices, their masters, and their customers would put gratuities into the box, which acted like a ‘piggy bank’.  Then on the day after celebrating Christmas, the box would be ceremonially smashed and the money shared among the workers. Thus the origin of Boxing Day was all to do with a Christmas present or bonus.  The phrase ‘Christmas box’ lives on as a gift householders give to postmen, paperboys, and dustbins [garbage collectors] that visit their homes.

Nowadays people open their presents on Christmas Day, thus Boxing Day traditions involve visiting members of the wider family circle on 26th December, one by-product is having two Christmas meals in two days. Will and Guy are unsure if turkey is more tasty hot on Christmas Day, or cold with mashed potato and pickle on Boxing Day.

In the UK and Ireland, Boxing Day is associated with fox hunting. Horse riders dressed in red and white riding gear, assisted by a pack of foxhounds, chase foxes through the countryside in the hope of running them to earth and killing them.

Townies think this barbaric and in 2004 British MPs voted to ban hunting foxes with dogs.  This proved a particularly tough law to enforce, given that the majority of country people actively or passively supported fox hunting.  Rightly, catching fox-hunters was never going to be a
police priority and the fox hunters shrugged off their “Hooray Henry” images when it came to fighting the case in court.

Boxing Day on a Sunday

St Stephen’s Day is always celebrated on the 26th of December, however, Boxing Day, as in the public holiday, is celebrated on Monday 27th of December whenever the 26th falls on a Sunday.  The public holiday situation is even more complicated when Christmas Day falls on a Saturday, in these years Monday 27th and Tuesday 28th are public holidays to make up for the festivities falling at the weekend.   As time goes on, this seems less of a problem as people have a Christmas week or even a Christmas fortnight of holidays.

More Christmas Jokes

Christmas Warnings

23 people have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

39 people have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and an Honest Lawyer

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred-dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, and the other three are mythological creatures.

Xmas Humour – Cracker Riddle

• What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine?
• This will sleigh you.

Q. What’s Christmas called in England?
A. Yule Britannia! (English Christmas Humour!)

School Nativity – Urban Myth

The boy who was playing the innkeeper was fed up with his insignificant role, so when Joseph knocked and asked if there was any room in the inn.  Instead of saying ‘No’ as he was supposed to, the young prima donna said, ‘Come in Joseph and Mary, there is plenty of room in my inn.’

How They Forecast a Cold Winter

One day in early September the chief of a Native American tribe was asked by his tribal elders if the winter of 2010/11 was going to be cold or mild.  The chief asked his medicine man, but he too had lost touch with the reading signs from the natural world around the Great Lakes.

In truth, neither of them had any idea about how to predict the coming winter.  However, the chief decided to take a modern approach, and the chief rang the National Weather Service in Gaylord Michigan.

‘Yes, it is going to be a cold winter,’ the meteorological officer told the chief.  Consequently, he went back to his tribe and told the men to collect plenty of firewood.

A fortnight later the chief called the Weather Service and asked for an update. ‘Are you still forecasting a cold winter?’ he asked.

‘Yes, very cold’, the weather officer told him.

As a result of this brief conversation, the chief went back to the tribe and told his people to collect every bit of wood they could find.

A month later the chief called the National Weather Service once more and asked about the coming winter. ‘Yes,’ he was told, ‘it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.’

‘How can you be so sure?’ the chief asked.

The weatherman replied: ‘Because the Native Americans of the Great Lakes are collecting wood like crazy.’

Funny Christmas Jokes and One-liners

• The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.  I rang her up and asked, ‘Did you get my drift?’

1. Angels
Bert, aged 25.  ‘My wife’s an angel’.
Don, aged 57.  ‘You’re lucky, mine is still alive’.

2. Christmas Kiss
Romeo: What would it take to make you kiss me under the mistletoe?
Juliette: An anesthetic.

3. Christmas Drink
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre ……
So the barman gives her one.

4. Christmas Pudding Charms
Silver Christmas charms bring you good fortune.

Packaging Notice: Potential choking hazard: do not use with food.

5. How Was Your Christmas Meal?
We had grandma for Christmas dinner.
Really?

We had turkey.

6. Reindeer Joke
What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine?
This will sleigh you.

7. Sales
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
Handmade gifts for that hard-to-find person.

8. Christmas Joke Pizza
Good King Wenceslas phoned
Domino’s for a pizza.
The salesgirl asked him:- ‘Do you want your usual?  Deep pan, crisp and even?’

9. Mike walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.

The barmaid looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.

‘Tiny’, answers Mike.
‘Why’s that?’ enquires the barmaid.
‘Because he’s my newt’ concludes Mike.

(Will had to explain this riddle to me.  My newt – minute)

10. Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present!

What A Boy Wants For Christmas

Darren remembers accompanying his father out shopping in the toy department of Hamleys one Christmas Eve.

Dad said, ‘What a marvelous train set. I’ll buy it.’

The girl behind the counter looked pleased and murmured, ‘Great, I’m sure your son will really love it.’

Dad replied with a glint in his eye, ‘Maybe you’re right. In that case, I’ll take two.’

What A Girl Wants For Christmas

The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when Emily, a young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap.  Now, we all know that Santa doesn’t usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, ‘What do you want for Christmas?’

‘Something for my mother, please,’ replied Emily sweetly.

‘Something for your mother? Well, that’s very loving and thoughtful of you,’ smiled Santa. ‘What would you like me to bring her?’

Without turning a hair Emily answered quickly, ‘A son-in-law.’

Christmas Jokes and Riddles

How many ears has Captain Kirk got?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.  Ben Miller

What do lions sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells!

When is a boat like a pile of snow?
When it’s adrift.

How do snowmen get around?
On their icicles.

What does Santa call reindeer that don’t work?
Dinner.

What do you call the fear of getting stuck in a chimney?

Santaclaustrophobia

More Drôle Christmas Jokes and Clean One-liners

• Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?
• Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight.  These, of course, are only round figures.
• What is the purpose of reindeer?  It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
• There were two ships. One was painted red.  One was painted blue.  They collided.  At the last report, the survivors were marooned.
• Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of the giant’s fingers.
• Christmas: The time of year when everyone gets Santamental.
• What is a webmaster’s favorite hymn?  Oh, dot com all ye faithful!

7 Christmas One Liners for Starters

Q1: Mum, can I please have a cat for Christmas:
Ans: No.  You’ll have turkey the same as the rest of us.

Q2: What’s the most popular Christmas wine?
Ans: ‘I don’t like Brussels sprouts!’

Q3: How do chickens dance at the Christmas party?
Ans: Chick to chick!

Q4: Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?
Ans: He’s a fun guy to be with.

Q5: What did the Spanish fireman call his twin sons?
Ans: Hose A, and Hose B.

Q6: Where do sheep get their hair cut?
Ans: At the baa baa shop.

Q7: What happened when the snowman annoyed the snowwoman?
Ans: She gave him the cold shoulder.

12 More Clean Christmas Funnies

• Why are ghosts so bad at lying? You can see right through them.
• What kind of tree do fingers grow on? A palm tree.
• What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?  Lost.
• What do you call a woman who stands between two goalposts? Annette.
• On which side do chickens have the most feathers? On the outside.
• What do you call a train loaded with toffee? A chew chew train.
• What’s furry and minty? A polo bear.
• What’s big, grey and wear glass slippers? Cinderelephant.
• How do snails keep their shells shiny? They use snail varnish.
• What must you know to be an auctioneer?  Lots.
• Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop? It blew away.
• What is the vampire’s favorite song? Fangs for the memory.
• What do you get if Santa comes down your chimney when the fire is ablaze? Crisp Kringle.

Christmas Wisecrack

Picture this, it was just before Christmas, and the magistrate was in a happy mood.  He asked the prisoner who was in the dock, ‘What are you charged with?’

The prisoner replied, ‘Doing my Christmas shopping too early’.

‘That’s no crime’, said the magistrate. ‘Just how early were you doing this shopping?’

‘Before the shop opened’, answered the prisoner.

Crafty Cockney – Christmas Caper

Moira lost her handbag in the hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping in Oxford Street, London.

A small boy found it and he returned to her. Looking in her purse, Moira reasoned, ‘Hmmm…. that’s strange.  When I lost my bag there was a £20 note in it.  Now there are four £5 notes.’

The boy quickly replied with a charming smile and in a cockney accent, ‘That’s right, madam. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.’

Christmas Store Problem

Last Thursday morning 50 customers waited outside the Wal-Mart supermarket in West-Bend, Wisconsin, USA. They wanted to be the first to buy Sony PlayStation 3 game consoles as Christmas presents. Unfortunately, the shop only had 10 consoles for sale. Simple maths suggests that 50 does not go into 10.

The assistant manager had a brain wave, a cunning plan, no less. He would organize a sort of musical chairs without the music. That is: he decided to put the 50 people in the shop car park; he then placed 10 chairs just outside Wal-Mart’s entrance, and on a shout of ‘go’ the first ten to sit down would get the consoles on the Friday.

50 people stampeded towards the chairs, no hold barred. One man struck his head on a lamp post and had to go to hospital, another bruised his head and knee badly.

However, the first 10 on the chairs got their PlayStation 3s.

Christmas One-liner!

Three More Christmas One-liners

1. Why is Christmas just like another day at the office? You end up doing all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
2. Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.
3. Christmas is just plain weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree in your living room eating candy and snacks out of your socks?

Please Don’t Show This Picture of Santa to the Kids

Santa’s Outfit

• How do you know Santa has to be a man?
• No woman would wear the same outfit year after year.

More Christmas Funnies

• How does Jack Frost get to work?  By icicle!
• If you want to hear “Merry Christmas,” why not visit a church instead of a shop?
• Teacher: Where are the Andes? Pupil: At the end of my armies.
• Bernard Manning said that the three phrases that best sum up the Christmas season are:
  Peace on Earth. Goodwill to Men. And Batteries are not included.
• Peter aged 7.  ‘Angels don’t eat much, but they drink a lot of milk from Holy Cows.’

Kissing Under the Mistletoe at Christmas

Guy is so hideously ugly, that at Christmas, we hang him up and kiss the mistletoe instead.

Christmas Jokes on Mistletoe

• Where does mistletoe migrate to become rich and famous? Holly-Wood!
• You are so hideously ugly, that at Christmas, we hang you up and kiss mistletoe instead.
• Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs under the mistletoe.

Airport Mistletoe

Will was returning home from a business trip.  It had been an exhausting trip and he was not in a good mood.  The airport’s Christmas music was getting him down, and their decorations were tacky.

As he queued at the check-in desk he day-dreamed about the plastic mistletoe hung over the luggage scale.  Being in a bad mood, he said to the woman at the counter, “You know, even if I weren’t married, I wouldn’t kiss you.”  That’s not what it’s there for,” said the attendant. “It’s
so you can kiss your luggage goodbye.

Will and Guy’s Trivia About Kissing

• One tiny mistletoe kiss burns up 3 calories.  Therefore, the longer the kiss: the better the exercise!
• In Eskimo, Polynesian, and Malaysian culture men and women rub noses instead of kissing.  However, they don’t have mistletoe even at Christmas.
• An average person spends thirteen days of his or her life kissing.
• 4,400 couples congregated in the streets in Chile for a ten-second kiss, this set the world record for the largest number of people kissing simultaneously.
• Will and Guy’s advice to boys: always ask the prettiest girl for a kiss under the Christmas mistletoe – she may just say yes.

Kissing Under the Christmas Mistletoe

Mistletoe pops up in all sorts of places at Christmas.  Over doors is the most popular place, while some people carry it around with them or wear it on their headwear.   There are also
myths associated with Christmas mistletoe, most notably that you should wait until the twelfth night and then burn it.  If this isn’t done then all the kisses will be wasted and no true romance will result.

The French have a slightly different take on festive mistletoe, they wait for ‘Au gui l’An neuf’ until the 1st of January.

Kissing Under the Mistletoe at the Airport

Nigel’s business trip had gone quite well, but he was ready to return home to the warmth of his family. Bristol airport, on the other hand, had turned a tacky red and green; the loudspeakers blared annoying renditions of once cherished Christmas carols and ancient pop songs.

Nigel enjoyed Christmas and took it very seriously, and being slightly tired and irritable, he just wanted to get home. He approached the check-in desk humming a carol quietly to himself in an attempt to keep his spirits up.

He began to check in his suitcase when he saw a hanging mistletoe.  Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and more pointed parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very surreal type of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the girl at the desk, ‘Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.’

‘Sir,’ replied the attendant politely, ‘look more closely at where the mistletoe is.’

‘Ok,’ muttered Nigel, ‘I see that it’s above the luggage scale which is the place you’d have to step forward for a kiss.’

‘That’s not why it’s there.’

‘Ok, I give up. Why is it there?’ snapped Nigel irritably.